THE MAFIA NEWSPAPER

Editor-In-Chief: Melvin

Head Writer: Melvin

EDITORS NOTE

What an incredible week here at the Mafia Newspaper offices. Amazing feedback on the 2nd edition, with one mafioso pointing out that it's more than just a newspaper and even going as far as to describe my journalism as suitable for a king.

Equally amazing was the amount of tips received. A whopping $1,754,114 in tips. I'm beyond humbled by this outpouring of generosity and intend to squabble every last dolloar of it of it in this edition, starting now as I send 100k to Leeds.  Now you're probably wondering who Leeds is, and if you are wondering that you're not alone.  Nobody knows who he is, no one hardly cares, perhaps his crewleader cares but probably only out of some feeling of obligation.  But that is what makes this newspaper so great.  Somebody can find themselves with an extra $100,000 in their pocket for being absolutely worthless.  Now, am I saying that Leeds is worthless?  No, of course not.  I wouldn't know either way.  Besides, the last time I implied somebody was worthless in my first paper, a guy named TChalla from Las Vegas, his crewleader Shaggs complained to my boss.  This of course made things difficult for me and made my life a living hell and that is why any mention of Shaggs is permanently banned from this paper and why you will never see his name mentioned in it.  It should be pointed out though that while Shaggs did complain that I inferred that his member was worthless, he never came out to disagree or say that I was wrong, so this is very important to keep in mind at all times. 

Anyways this is the last time you'll ever see Shaggs name in print in my paper, but let's not stray too far from the topic at hand, which is sending 100k to Leeds.  Imagine having a name like Leeds.  Can you even imagine?

Your accountant makes note that $100,000 has been wired to Leeds from your account.

Hope you enjoy the rest of the paper and thank you all so much those who contributed tips. 

A NEW NEWSPAPER: THE MOB TRUFFLE

So I was alerted to a new newspaper circulating throughout the underworld written by Stefano_Cavelli called The Mob Truffle, a truly cringe name for a newspaper but my intent is not to poke fun at the new upstart, nor do I like "punching down", which is exactly what I would be doing if i were to ridicule this paper.  So I won't be making any criticisms of this newspaper.  That being said though I do have to comment on the horrendous timing of this publication.  The debut paper of The Mob Truffle was printed on the heels of my newspaper's most successful edition to date.  Clearly a huge hit on the streets, only a deranged maniac would think to themselves "You know what I'm going to do?  I'm going to put out my own paper now and compete with the Mafia Newspaper by Melvin.  Except my paper will lack all of the elements that made Melvin's paper successful and instead will focus on all the things that Melvin made fun of about past newspapers."  It doesn't make a lick of sense and probably explains why his debut paper sold 8 copies.  Mind you, 3 of those copies were purchased by me, so it's technically been seen by 6 people.  Imagine publishing a newspaper and only having 6 people read it.  Can you imagine?

My advice would to be to wait until this newspaper runs its course before attempting to step on my toes.  I am all for the spirit of friendly competition and believe that competition between brands makes both brands stronger.  Only this isn't competition at all, and I feel that Stefano_Cavelli should consider cancelling all future plans for additional Truffle editions.  I won't go as far to say that it is a bad newspaper, but when put next to mine it just looks very shabby by comparison and isn't a good look for Stefano_Cavelli.

I'll use this analogy.  Imagine you're invited to the Godfather's birthday party,  You know all the other people in attendance are going to bring their very best gifts to win the favor of the Godfather.  So you walk over to place your gift on the table with the other gifts, and you end up striking up a conversation with another mafioso and he shows you the gift that he got the Godfather.  He tells you "Look at this gift I picked up for the Godfather.  It's a pair of diamond cuff-links.  Look at the incredible clarity.  I bought them from one of the most reputable and prestigious jewelers in the country who only deals with the finest diamonds in the whole world."  Then he looks down at your gift and asks "So what did you get the Godfather for his birthday?" and you reply "Oh, it's a box of dogshit."  And the guy who bought the cufflinks says "Oh cool, I'm sure he'll love that" but in his mind he's thinking please don't put your awful gift next to my awesome gift.  That's kind of the situation I find myself in with this Mob Truffle.  I want to be supportive of his efforts but at the same time I don't feel like pretending that it's as good as my newspaper and I don't think any of you should either.  So let's just continue to ignore The Mob Truffle until it hopefully goes away forever.  But if not, let's all be nice to him and wish him well and if it ends up being really cringe then expect me to write really really long articles making fun of it.  So to wrap things up here, let's give 300k to Bebe for no particular reason.

Your accountant makes note that $300,000 has been wired to Bebe from your account.

THE ATTEMPTED ASSASSINATION OF FRANKENSTEINX

Before we get into our feature story about FrankensteinX, let's give some more money away.  How about $100,000 to Freelancer, $4,114 to Roadrunner815, and $50,000 to Fyodor.

Your accountant makes note that $100,000 has been wired to Freelancer from your account.

Your accountant makes note that $4,114 has been wired to Roadrunner815 from your account.

Your accountant makes note that $50,000 has been wired to Fyodor from your account.

So the other day, I like most of you probably did, received a letter passed down by my own upper structure here in Manhattan, the heading of the letter reading "Wack Attempt on an Upper".  The letter went on to explain that a shot had been taken at FrankensteinX, who at the time of this newspaper is a Right Hand Man in Philadelphia.  Did you all get this mail too?  Now it's expected that when you receive a memo like this from above that you go out and start looking for witnesses willing to give a statement.  Then you would take the statement given by the witness and give it to your boss, who would in turn contact the crew requesting the witness statement and fill them in so that they could make sure mob justice is served.

Now personally I think looking for witness statements is for losers and wouldn't be caught dead handing one up to anybody and admitting that I actually looked.  Can you imagine actually looking for a witness statement?  I can't even imagine.  Sometimes people are even expected to have their corrupt agents go looking for these statements as well.  It's insane. 

Be that as it may though, the collection of witness statements is important in this life, and while most cool people couldn't be bothered checking, there's usually somebody lame enough to actually check and the offending parties are dealt with swiftly.  Only in this case, my investigations could not uncover any signs that the hitter had been located, which meant to the would-be killer is still on the loose.  All we knew for sure was that the would-be assassin was very stealthy, so stealthy in fact that FrankensteinX couldn't get a good look at him, prompting him to send out a mass communication to mob leaders across the country, but we'll get to that letter later.  In the meantime let's give 50k to Frankie-Messina.  Our paparazzi division spotted her earlier this week standing on the street doing a horrendous dance called "The Ballard Shuffle".  It was pretty cringe.

Your accountant makes note that $50,000 has been wired to Frankie-Messina from your account.

So I say to myself hmmm, since my investigation on the FrankensteinX assassination attempt is coming up stale, I might as well go to the man who stands at the center of this controversy Mr. FrankensteinX himself and ask him about it.  I asked FrankensteinX if he had any formal statement he would like to make for the paper, or if he wanted to urge people to make make another attempt (or in coll people's cases, a first attempt) at looking for a witness willing to give a statement.  FrankensteinX responded "meh im 90% sure who it was im not stressing".

So long story short no witness statement was recovered and despite being almost certain who took the shot, we'll just not stress about it and let this person raom the streets freely to take another pot shot again.  FrankensteinX isn't stressing about it so for all intents and purposes this can be considered a cold case.

So while this is an acceptable resolution for FrankensteinX, this is not good enough for The Mafia Newspaper by Melvin, the newspaper that breaks all the rules.  Therefore I'll be offering $500,000 for anyone that comes forward with the witness statement for the attempt on FrankensteinX's life.  Your identity will be kept anonymous, but you will be paid for your assistance in bringing the culprit to justice.

But before we wrap this story up can we get back to FrankensteinX's witness statement request letter and how cringe it was?  I mean he's having a tough week and all but I feel obligated to report on this, being that this is a newspaper and all.  So imagine if you will, FrankensteinX inside his mansion (he doesn't have a mansion, I'm just asking everyone to imagine he has one because I'm trying to be nice).  His young boy-squire sits at a desk writing the words to the letter as FrankensteinX dictates the words of his Witness Statement Request letter.  So he tells his young squire, "Young squire, I was shot at today.  I must find the witness statement.  Draft this letter and have it sent to all the crewleaders.  I want the header of the letter to say Wack Attempt".  The squire jots the request down on his paper and goes to seal it in an envelope when FrankensteinX stops him and says "Wait..... I have a correction to make.  Make the header say Wack Attempt on an Upper."  The squire looks up at FrankensteinX as if to say "Are you sure you really want me to send this cringe shit out?" but he knows not to mess with FrankensteinX when he is in a bad mood so he does what he is told.  Point being, FrankensteinX sent his witness statement request with the understanding that no witness statement would come back.  This of course would be frustrating for anybody so I can certainly appreciate that.  And yes I realize that I said above that looking for a witness statement is cringe but that was just me interjecting some humor.  If this paper didn't have humor, you might as well be reading The Mob Truffle.  But the fact of the matter is, sending up witness requests is important and everybody should be doing it.  Alas, often people don't.  So FrankensteinX consciously decided to emphasize that he is an "Upper" as if somebody would read the request and say "Eh, another witness statement request.  Maybe I'll look for it, maybe I'll crumple it up and throw it in the trash...... wait a second, what's this?  This... this was a wack attempt on an upper?"  The person immediately cancels all their plans for the day and dedicates every second to uncovering information.

Just send out a witness statement request.  Tacking onto the request that you are an upper is cringe.  And I report this not to make a fool out of FrankensteinX but to help FrankensteinX and anybody else who wouldn't feel embarrassed sending a mail like this out.  We can all be better.  Myself included.  Unfortunately I do cringe stuff from time to time toobut then I look back at it and say "You know what, I'm, better than this.  I'll do better next time."  Remember, it's never too late to turn things around for yourself and become a cool person, and also make sure you give a second look for that witness statement  You'll walk away with $500,000 if you find it.

CREWLEADER OF THE WEEK

So this is becoming a popular segment in my paper and it makes me happy to be in a position to appreciate various crewleaders with the award every week.  I think it cultivates positivity and good will so I'm glad to do it.  This week's Crewleader of the Week award goes to Syndicate, so please be sure to extend your congratulations to him

THE REMOVAL OF OLYMPIA AND LOS ANGELES

Is this really something that needs to be reported on in a newspaper?  I mean come on how f'ing lame would that be if I came out here and reported on the Los Angeles takedown?  It's already been reported.  What insight could I possibly provide?  Reporting on wars in newspapers is cringe unless you have an interesting spin or something to actually report.  So I'm just going to leave this story for The Mob Truffle to report on, and instead waste $500,000 on a guy with a really really cringe suit named Fearlessdon.

Your accountant makes note that $500,000 has been wired to Fearlessdon from your account.

And of course rest in peace to the fallen and all that stuff.  Rest in peace Olympia too.  Olympia was cool.

ANNOUNCEMENT: THE CRINGE HOTLINE

See something cringe happening in the streets?  Call into the Cringe Hotline and report it.  There's no shortage of cringeworthiness around here, so let's expose it all here.  All submissions will be anonymous, and no cringe behavior is too big or too small.  It can even be something as simple as this

[06:49:11] Spiral: :P

So this concludes yet another paper.  If I get even half the amount of tips I got for my last paper on this one I'll consider myself a blessed man, and all proceeds will be handed out to random nobodies for no apparent reason.  Even the $500,000 I promised for the witness statement for FrankensteinX will be handed out next edition if no one comes forward with the statement.  Everybody be safe out there and remember to always be bettering yourself. 

Lots of love,

Melvin