The Fucking Mafia News; Vol 1

Published by Montague, Edited by Montague, inspired by a few other, sadly deceased, giants among us

This is The Fucking Mafia News (FMN), a new publication to plug the gap caused by the death of Melvin and of the various publishers of The Fucking News.

This introductory offer is going to cover some daring ground.

Right, let's get started.

Unexplained Deaths

This is a new section in The FMN, in which Unexplained Deaths will be examined.  It's called Unexplained Deaths.

Mobsta

First up, we have Mobsta.  Mobsta was a WiseGuy in JamesCoonan's mob and he was found dead recently.  Word around the campfire is that Mobsta pissed off his boss, Mr Coonan.  Mr Coonan is an Irishman in an Italian's world, but he's carving out something of a name for himself and has established a reputation for being moderately, quietly effective in his own way.

We approached Mr Coonan for a comment about his wayward associate's demise, but he wouldn't get drawn into any discussion, simply saying "no comment."

So, what pissed off Mr Coonan?  It's hard to say, but with scarcely nothing to go on, we're going to play the race card and conclude that Coonan, who is well aware of how he was formerly portrayed,  wanted to show the Italians that he was ruthless.

Or, of course, Coonan might have gotten pissed on St Paddy's day and shot his own family members for a joke.  Trust me, this has happened.  In any case, we here at The FMN pay for quotes used, so, Mr Coonan, get in touch and we will wire you our fee.

Olivia_Ligambi

Olivia was a young, not-established gangster in Joe_Ligambi's employ.  Who the fuck is Joe_Ligambi?  We don't really know either.  We were wanting to interview him for this piece but none of our reporters could find him.

Once again, this leaves us with an issue.  We can speculate, I mean she's obviously a relative of some description.  Wife?  Sister?  Daughter?  We simply don't know.  One of our reporters got hold of a tip that Oliva and Joe are related to the odious Road/Rumrunner husband/wife team, who are most famous for attracting the ire of the POLHF.  Could it be that Joe realised that he was part of Road/Rum and killed his own wife rather than deal with reality?  We can't know for sure, but we urge him to contact us.

Kleopatra

WOW!  One minute you're a Don, the next some fucking no mark caps your ass in front of everyone.  I guess the real mystery here is this.

How the fuck did a FUCKING DON manage to get killed in such an inglorious fashion?  Can anyone help us out here?

HISTORY

This is a new section, dealing with HISTORY.  We will look at HISTORIC events and invite our readers to offer their memories and their theories.

Starting off this series is a discussion about a war, an HISTORIC war that took place in Las Vegas some years ago.

The Las Vegas Civil War

The protagonists in this war were a Boss, known as Richard_Kuklinski, who at that time was the youngest and lowest ranking de-facto Godfather of his city.  His foe?  A Made Man that he had recently auth'd to set up his own HQ, inside Las Vegas.  That Made Man was called RJFuller.

This was a low intensity war.  Kuklinski shot at and missed RJFuller.  Then, Kuklinski shot (or, more accurately, arranged for others to shoot) the two gangsters that Fuller had working for him.  Fuller, meanwhile, knew that his days were numbered, and wrote tearful messages to prominent CLs of the time begging forgiveness.

Kuklinski was unmoved and waited to kill him.  Or, more accurately, again, paid others to kill him.

Kuklinski went to bed, some time later, Fuller was killed.  This was one of the most eagerly watched wars in HISTORY.  The final death toll was 3, stretched out over a period of four hours.

My friends, they don't have wars like that any more.

Concussion 

Well, that's it for Vol 1.  I've enjoyed writing it and I hope you've enjoyed reading it.  I'm working on Vol 2 just now, and it will feature more unexplained deaths and HISTORY, as well as a few other features.

Please do send me some cash if you liked it.  It helps me pay for the quotes that I use and I will probably copy Melvin by sending random amount of money to people.

Transistor walks past the news stand picking up a copy of the latest, albeit provocatively named, "The Fucking Mafia News".

Misreading it as "The Mafia Fucking News", he had expected headlines related to coitus. Perhaps slightly pornographic in nature. As he flips through the pages, he starts quite disappointed- but the disappointment moves towards entertainment when he gets to the Unexplained Deaths page.

Nodding his head, he pays for his copy before heading toward the train station and heading downtown for a meeting.

There was a young kid on the side walk, hollering, getting everyone's attention while handing out news papers. 

"It's the fucking mafia news! Read all about it!" he screamed out to the crowd while holding his hand outwards, collecting coins. 

Insomnia had just exited his limo, waving to the driver before speed walking off down the street. He was late as usual to his business meeting but knew they would wait for his arrival if they knew what was good for them. He was only a few blocks away from his destination before noticing the young man slanging the fucking news like it was a drug. Being intrigued what he had missed in the world he pulls out a nickle from his pocket, handing it to the kid before grabbing his paper. Continuing walking to his business meeting he ganders over the paper, skimming through the headlines looking for all the juicy stuff. To his surprise he didn't see anything exciting other than the unfortunate death of Kleopatra which was still a touchy topic for him. Turning the pages he continues scrolling down, not once noticing his own name in the paper he scuffs out loud before crumpling up the paper and tossing it into the garbage. 

Creation, who is a newspaper journalist herself, walked around local newspaper vendors across plenty of towns. She came over to a pile near a shack and would pay the man at the window a few cents. "I hope you know I'm more of your critic." She remarked him, she gets spoiled over a shitty newspaper. She'd open the paper up, reading chunks of each section, nothing really shocked her, well maybe except Kleopatra's impossible death. She turned the page to see about Cheerios, who was more of a... A dick to her, still a friend. "The fact you left it out..." She sighed, ripping out the page. She'd end up dropping the newspaper onto the floor, keeping the Cheerios death 'information'. "You really, really are working a shit job." She'd sound pissed but in her own case. Her friend got killed and some moron doesn't even know how. She'd walk off.

A beautiful day brings TM out for a nice stroll into the streets, it one of those days where he was just really happy for everything thats been going on, business was way up and the girls at the cat house wern't complaining about something. Truly a rare moment in the hectic life we live. TM a staunch fan of journalism finds himself stopping at a persistent paperboy and his little stand. Figuring why not give it fare shake taking the time to take a pause of course take a copy  without paying i mean whats the paper boy going to do he thought. His serious demeanor is replaced by intense laughter,  as he leans in to the lil paper tycoon .

"Kid...I dont know who you work for, but they have a lot to learn about informative entertainment. Having a few history books myself am suprised you started with such a dull history story. In any case,...Ever heard of Octobers Very Own?  O.V.O? now there is a paper with style..."

TM chuckles deciding to take the paper with him, being one who dosn't wish to litter perfectly good paper. His mother teaching him to make use of everything because in the blink of an eye you could have nothing. Knowing he would be putting the paper to better use later upon his return home as liner for his exotic bird cage..

Silently walking up to the person sellling the papers, Rat pulls out the change for a paper and tosses it to the vendor.  With a mumbled, "Keep the change."  He tucks the paper under his arm and quickly walks away to read it far away from anyone.  And then to use it later as a distraction for a little pickpocketing action.

She would of love to talk to anyone coming along the path, but she has no reason to talk about how shit the newspaper is, people should at least learn the truth about it, shouldn't have to be told!

Creation and/or creations, not sure if you are two people, doppelgangers, or brother/sister lovers.

We all look forward to your next publication, since you are "journalists" and have somehow earned the right to be "critics."

Montague certainly could have done better, but at least he made an effort, eh? At least he stuck a leg out and published, rather than walking around pissing in everyones cheerios.

Insomnia and Creation are a bit like those fucking idiots who miss out on signing a band who later make it HUGE in record sales.

But anyway, that's not too big a problem.  I have my readership; my base.  And from there, I will continue working to make The FMN a success.

Brancer was walking through the streets when he saw a news stand that had attracted quite a customers. He paid for a copy of the rag and began to thumb through it. Kleopatras untimely death was very unfortunate. He was about to make it to the history section when the editor make his way to the stand to voice some complaints. 

After hearing him complain about critics like it was his first recital Brancer tossed the paper away. "Calling your readers fucking idiots doesn't seem like a great business model." Brancer said as he pulled out a cigarette and lit it. He walked down the road whistling a tune as he turned the corner .

Klejnot picked up a copy, before heading to the local coffee shop and entering. She wanted something to read as she woke her mind for the day. While reading she seemed to become disgusted buy most of what it said, folding the paper back up she placed it on the far side of the table. "Deaths go unexplained, because people do some stupid things to lead them there. But seeing as the paper made fun of deceased Don kleopatras death, that will be part of the reason I do not read this again." She sat finishing her coffee before heading out to do her days work.

picking up the paper from the local paperboy, Giovanni was suprised at how thin it was, he then set off to find a cappucino to drink while he was reading it.

People were crowding around and a kid was constantly waving around while a kid waving people around while shouting "The Fucking Mafia News! Come one, come all, read all about it!" Obito sluggishly walked over and made his way through the crowd to take a copy, a guy blatantly stated "Hey!" when he got shoved in the crowd, a simple smirk was the only reaction as he went to take the paper.

Obito passed through the crowd again and went around the corner, he kept the paper tucked under his arm to go read it back at his apartment. Even though he lied to himself, he looked down at the newspaper and began to read it on the way over, reading about the unexplained deaths as a sigh left him then reading down to squint about Kleopatra's death, the text given wasn't a way he would personally put it but it didn't bother most, only some.

"Jesus."