Isabella stared at herself blankly in the mirror.  She'd been standing there for ten minutes, she was supposed to be getting ready for dinner.  Gavin would be here any minute and all she could think about was how much she wanted to plead ill and hide... but he'd insist on being with her.  Of course, he would, that's what lovers who were constantly separated by distance did when they had their time together... a little stomach bug wasn't going to keep them apart.  He'd insist on something sweet like a night in... and then what?

The day's events played over and over on a loop in her mind.  She was beside herself.  She'd done nothing wrong.  She told herself that repeatedly.  She told herself that maybe it was best to say nothing at all... by bringing it up she validated that it was something - but it wasn't!  But how could she say it was nothing?  She yearned for William.  She'd wanted it.  Some part of her wanted that kiss.  Didn't she?

Isabella doubled over for not the first time, holding back her hair, wretching dry horrible heaves into the sink.  Tyler Durden didn't scare her as much as facing Gavin now, with this, did.  With Durden she might lose her life... but with Gavin, she could lose something so much dearer.  The storm that had raged all day had slowed to a drizzle that tapped quietly on the window and when she stopped nearly losing the contents of her stomach... she could hear it again.  A constant reminder, as if the sky itself was crying with her.

She looked back up at her own brown eyes.  What had she done?  Or... what had she let happen?  Elias' words stung in her memory and now she couldn't help but feel every bit of them was righteously deserved.  She was going to lose him.  He'd taken a chance with her he'd never taken with another woman... he'd shown her she was more special than any other woman he'd ever been with just by virtue of taking a chance on letting her actually hold his heart... and what had she done with it.  

She began to sob & wretch again.  She'd never forgive herself if Gavin walked away forever.  Never.  Ever.  

The knock on her hotel room door, interrupted her dry heaves.  "One moment."  She called out.  She washed her mouth out and dried her tears.  Her eyes were red and puffy, she tried to put a cool cloth on them to take down the swelling but she had no time to make it go away completely.  Gavin would know she'd been weeping and with no makeup on at the appointed time... the conclusion that she was horribly upset was unavoidable. 

Where had the Dragon been today?  Where was the Dragon when he touched her hand and called her angel?  Where had the dragon been when he stepped in close and said those things about his love for her?  Where had the dragon been when he closed in for the kiss and claimed her lips?  If she was a true Dragon she would have owned her lust and fucked William, at least then when she faced Gavin she could know she made her choices and stood by them... this, this was pathetic.  Like the night she'd met William, she'd been pathetic today and it disgusted her as much as it broke her heart that it might cost her the most precious thing in her whole world.

Isabella stared accusingly at the woman reflected back at her.  "You did this."  She quietly snarled.  "Pull yourself the fuck together."

Standing up straight she smoothed out her ivory dress, making sure the vertical folds looked neat and freshly pressed despite her facial disarray.  About her neck, she wore a thin silver choker decorated with a crescent moon and a single star hanging within it.  In her ears, she had diamond studs that have once belonged to her mother - the only real jewelry she'd ever owned.  

Isabella looked out the peephole she saw Gavin standing there and put aside her gun before opening the door to him. 

She could see it on his face, he was probably taking in the sight of her... processing the information, trying to determine what the problem was, and if it was still an issue.  She'd seen that look on his face a number of times before, but never before had she been the one who caused it.

She stepped inside allowing him to enter the hotel room.  Her bodyguards only giving her the barest hint of a nod before returning to their hallway vigil.  They knew damn well they wouldn't be rushing to make their reservations tonight.

Gavin quickly saw that something was wrong, but he kept quiet as he strolled inside. She'd been crying, and she stepped aside without making any motion toward him as he walked inside. Interesting. Gavin turn and sat down on the armchair, watching her.

"What happened?"

He knew she'd met with William today.  She felt like he could see through her.  She wanted to run to him, to hold him and be held, but how could she justify comforting herself in his arms when in moments he'd be...

"What happened?"

There it was.  What else would he ask?  Did she really think he'd try to make small talk when she welcomed him like this... no hug or kiss, no playful banter, just tears?  Of course, he'd be right to business asking what happened.  

Isabella walked over and sat on the end of the bed.  There was nothing for this but to face it.  She had to suck up her tears - what right did she have to cry?  That was Gavin's right and she was a fool for having indulged herself in it all day.  Tears were for people who were hurt... not those doing the hurting!

Isabella wet her lips, folded her hands in her lap, and cast her gaze to the floor, "I made a terrible mistake today."  Her voice barely above a whisper, she drew a breath, "I let William kiss me." 

Her heart was thundering inside her chest, but she forced herself to look up at Gavin's reaction- a thousand things yet unspoken, but she felt as though she should let Gavin take the hard part in first, before she buried him in the tangled up knot of thoughts she'd been sorting through all day trying to find the right way to tell him this.  In the end, all of them were, at their heart, excuses or her pleading for him not to end it all.  None of which, mattered so much as telling him the truth and letting HIM have his say... let him ask his questions of her and her face the music whatever that looked like, even if it scared the living fuck out of her.

"I let William kiss me."

Immediately, it was like a door slammed shut on his face; the neutral, implacable expression that he usually reserved for playing poker was there.

An interesting choice of words. "I let William kiss me." William initiated... but she didn't stop him. 

He didn't react, except for the perfect stillness that seemed to pervade every part of him. When he spoke, he sounded like he was asking about the weather.

"Tell me what happened."

Isabella tried to match his calm, speaking with purpose, trying to answer his questions without too much of her own fear coloring her replies. She told herself that she'd stick to the facts rather than rambling on, as she knew she had a tendency to do.  It seemed her best hope for keeping things civil with Gavin. ]She couldn't imagine a single scenario, all day long, that didn't end with Gavin shouting at her or worse just leaving and not telling her where he was going.

"There were pleasantries at first, all the things you're supposed to say to someone who you keep at arm's length, but eventually I apologized for my drunken behavior on the night of your fight as well as for how abruptly and coldly I ended things between us.  I felt I had to tell him that... I was aware of his pain and I was sorry things had gone as they did."

"Then the discussion turned to our business partnership, which had been my point in coming to see him.  In light of his unwillingness to set aside the hope of being with me one day, I had real doubts that he and I could work things out.  But I told myself that we've had a little time adjusting to this new reality, so maybe things would be okay."

"I thought that if we'd found a new normal... if we could be friends or even just business partners, then nothing would have to change.  And, if not, then... well, I brought with me the deed to Purgatory Gym. I had already signed it over to him, just in case we devolved into a fight. I could simply hand it to him and leave.  I don't want to lose Will's friendship, but I did go there prepared to walk away for good."

"During our talk, I knew things weren't going in a hopeful direction.  At one point, when he was telling me that he knew I hadn't meant to hurt either of you and he was promising to try to respect my decision, he touched my hand.  Outwardly it was innocent, so I didn't pull away, but a part of me instantly knew coming was a mistake.  Of course, what if I was wrong?  I wanted to be wrong.  I told myself I was reading into it too much, and that I had no regret about my decision to choose you so... where was the harm?"  She furrowed her brow and pressed on.

"A short bit later, he told me that I was worth hurting for... and called me Angel."  She sighed.  "I should have ended things right there.  It felt... unfair to use that name the way he did.  I couldn't even look at him when he said it, because, I might have lost my temper, but he was going on about how I deserved to be happy and wanting us to have a chance at that... so, again I let it go."

"But... we kept talking and eventually I got sick of listening to him rip himself apart.  I got mad at his ridiculous view of himself, and of me. Things got heated and before I knew it I was shouting at him for how stupid he was being.  I couldn't bear listening to him talk as if he was some sort of villain... as if I was in denial of some obvious truth about him.  All the while he was going on and on insisting that I am this Angel who had saved him." 

She shook her head.  "I never did anything for William. I've nearly gotten him killed on more than one occasion and at best you could say I was hoping to use him.  Even when I thought I loved him, all he got for it was heartache.  I don't know what the hell he was thinking in saying those things, but I was so wrapped up in the argument & making him see sense,"  A defeated look in her eyes grew as she paused before saying sadly, "...that I didn't see it coming until the moment before it happened."

She wanted to look away, but his stoic stare held her like a deer caught in headlights.  "He touched my face." She said in a whispered rush, wincing ever so slightly as she remembered the moment.  "And when he did it, I found myself thinking about so many things, but not everything was logical, most of it was contradictory - like I was having an argument with myself about my heart and mind.  Even as I was realizing more fully than ever before why I don't want to be with William... I just stood there.  I didn't say no.  I didn't slap him or anything I should have done.  I just froze and like a coward, I let him do it."

Isabella tried to remember if she kissed him, she thought her lips had moved... but she didn't embrace him.  She hadn't touched him like he'd touched her.  Perhaps that was worth saying?  No.  No excuses, not now.  Just truth. 

"The minute it was over, I hated myself utterly for my part in it.  I backed away from him immediately.  I told him in no uncertain terms that I love you, that I feared more than words could say what this fucked up thing that I'd let happen might do to everything good in my life right now, and that he couldn't ever do it again.  I told him he had to swear it... or I'd walk out and never see him again."

"He wanted to be the one to tell you.  He felt it was the right thing to do, as he believed himself to be the only participant in the event, but I told him that I'd had to tell you ... because even if I didn't ask for it, I knew what he was doing, and I didn't stop him.  I told him we don't keep secrets from each other and we don't lie to each other, not even by omission.  And no matter how hard... no matter the cost... I wasn't going to let this stupid mistake change us."  She added weakly, "At least... not if I can help it."

Gavin listened coolly, the walls still up over his implacable poker face. He looked at her steadily as she spoke, and he continued looking at her for a moment in silence when she was done. His voice still kept most of his emotion out of it, but around the its edges she could recognize the presence of a slowly building but powerful rage. Gavin was still ice; if anything, his words were even more precise than usual. 

"Are you sure you know what you want? I never forced you to choose me- to choose anything. So be honest. Who do you want? One of us? Both of us? I know what you just said. I'm telling you that if you want out, just say so. Now."

She'd never seen or heard him angry with her before, and it made her blood as frigid as the icy waters of that river she and Gavin had slept beside in Canada.  She had a lot she needed to say, to explain, but he wasn't waiting.  He needed the answer and so she'd give it to him.  "I don't want William, even if you walk away from me right now, forever... there will never be a William and Isabella."

She struggled to hold her emotions in check, "I only want you, for the rest of my life, please believe me I only need you."

Gavin nodded slowly. When he spoke again, it was quieter- but not softer.

"Okay."

He was silent for a long time.

"Never again."

He stood up and briskly walked toward the exit and, for a moment, it looked like he'd be slamming the door behind him. Instead, he froze in the doorway, not looking at her.

"I'll be back."

The door closed sharply, but he didn't slam it closed.

Never again.

I'll be back.

They were words that promised a future... together.  She knew he would be hurt.  She knew that she was the first person he'd put this sort of trust into and she'd let him down.  It wasn't a small thing.  He needed time.  He needed space and he likely was going to take as much as he thought he needed before coming back to her.  She knew his rage scared him, and trying to keep him in the room to talk more would only illicit that rage.  

A part of her thought she might call Tara when he was gone, to tell her to go to him and help... but Tara would be no help for him now.  Whatever Gavin was about to get up to - it wasn't any place Tara wanted or needed to be going.  Besides, she didn't relish the idea of being beat senseless by the woman - she had no doubt Tara might do just that considering how much she knows her brother to be in love.

Isabella watched him go and the door close behind him.  She didn't move.  For a long while she didn't move.  She wasn't hungry.  She didn't need anything... she just sat alone in the quiet, staring at the door.  After an hour, she finally got off the bed and walked to the door.  When she looked outside Linvel and Patches stood up.  

"Did he say anything?"

They shook their heads no.

"We're staying here."  She said firmly.

"How long?"  Patches asked.

"As long as it takes, forever if I have to, fuck Detroit!  Fuck the Tower!  Fuck everything!"  She lowered her voice and got herself under control.  "Bring me dinner.  Bring me every meal until he returns.  I'm not going anywhere until he comes back."  With that she slipped back inside and returned to her spot at the end of the bed.  

He'd come back.

That was the one thing she knew she could count on... he would never lie to her.

He'd come back.

Isabella looked at the clock. 

It's Monday 7pm... I'll wait right here until he's ready.  I'll wait however long it takes.  

Eventually.

Around midnight, there was a knock on the door. Gavin, looking slightly disheveled but with the same implacable expression, rest an arm against the frame for support. When he heard someone answer, he dropped his arm to his side. 

Isabella got off the bed and all but ran to the door.  There would only be one person they'd let knock at this hour.  Just one.  She opened the door and relief fell upon her like a warm robe on a cold night.  Her eyes lit up with hope and love and all the things yet unspoken.  She didn't care where he'd been or what he'd done - just happy to see him back as he promised. 

Gavin walked past her and sat down in the same chair that it felt like he'd just left. It didn't feel like hours. There was still some anger in his eyes, but whereas he'd previously sat like an emperor considering who to execute... now he just seemed tired. He look up at Isabella with a mixture of frustration and curiosity. Finally, he spoke.

"It's fine. It's just a fucking kiss. If someone I'd been with, cared about had done the same, I might have kissed them back too. But I wouldn't fuck them- and I believe you when you said you didn't. And Will couldn't have kept his fucking mouth shut today if he'd done anything more. So it's fine. If you're attracted to Will... whatever. I'm attracted to other people, too. If one of the women I cared about- still care about- had leaned in and kissed me, maybe I would have done the same."

Or maybe I wouldn't. But I maybe I would have. Who the fuck knows?

"So it's fine. But you need to be honest with me, if you don't want... this. Us. Just walk right up to me and tell me. But be up front about it."

He stood and headed toward the door. 

She remained standing near the door, watching him... listening, hearing how he was trying to rise above his instincts and base nature far better than she'd done today.  He was using a sort of understanding that some people (people who were supposed to be wiser and more socially skilled than Gavin) never did.

When at last he made the declaration again, she heard in his voice for the second time today what she felt like was his biggest fear.  She couldn't let him leave without addressing it.  Not twice in one day.  So, as he rose and moved for the door, she stepped into his path heedless of the anger she still saw there.  She held up a hand as if to say 'one moment please.'

"My mother use to say that trust took ages to gain and a moment to lose."  She whispered. 

"So, when I was little, I use to think lies would protect me when I messed up.  I would do shit and then go to great ends to never let her know I had messed up.  But as I grew older, and there were more lies and more secrets to be kept, I realized the real cost of my dishonesty.  We could sit in the same damn room and it felt like we were miles apart.  I hated it.  It was exhausting to have secret joys and secret pains that I couldn't share with the only other person in the whole damn world who loved me without conditions."

"One day I sat her down and I began to unpack all my emotional shit.  I told her about who I really was, and the life I had been living as a low-level gangster.  It was a life I knew she wanted no part in, so much so, she let the love of her life walk away forever.  I suspected there was a very good chance she might reject me from her life too... but this thing that had grown between us had already separated us in so many ways and I was done with all that.  Either she'd reject me for who I chose to be, or we'd heal in time and we'd be close for whatever time we had left."

Isabella swallowed,  "She was dying by the time I came to that realization. So maybe she figured I made my confession because of that, but it wasn't.  Just like my confession to you today, it wasn't done to assuage my own guilt, but to remove the space between us.  Because trust takes so long to build, I didn't want to wait for weeks or months before I began... and I sure as fuck didn't want to start building a wall between us when I've greatly valued the fact that there is NOTHING I haven't been able to share with you."

She looked down.  "For a long time, my mother was all I had in this fucked up world.  That last lesson she helped to teach me... that last gift we shared: the closeness I felt to her before she left me, it was everything to me the same way my nearness to you is everything to me now.  The ability to stand before someone, even with all your flaws, to me that's the very definition of love." 

She looked up to Gavin's eyes, "You've marked me Gavin Byrne.  You've changed everything.  There is nothing more important to me in this whole damn world than what we share - not power, not money, nothing... there is nothing that makes me as happy as you do.  And I know I fucked up today, and it's okay if it wasn't 'just a kiss' to you ... I understand if it's 'something' for a while to come.  Though... ideally, not forever?"  She forced a smile, trying to bring some levity back into the gulf between them.  "Being angry with me... being disappointed and even disgusted with how I fell short of your expectations ... it doesn't mean you don't love me.  Fuck, it probably means the opposite.  It wouldn't hurt this much if you didn't." 

"I understand if you have to go, but I really don't want you to.  Even if you spend the whole night angry and not saying a damn word to me or crying into a bottle of fucking whiskey, I don't mind and that's also the truth."  She glanced towards the hotel bed.  "It's a very big bed or shit... let's steal the blankets and go down to the waterfront together if you need to be under the sky tonight.  I know I'm the one who hurt you - but that doesn't mean I can't be the one to help.  It's a lie we tell ourselves, that we need to be alone when we hurt... in truth, that's the worst fucking time to be alone."

"Besides a sleepless night with me is pretty much the same as a sleepless night somewhere else, isn't it?  The difference is, instead of driving yourself mad over this thing that's between us... we can just... try to bust through it."

She wanted to touch him, but she kept her hand back.  "Stay with me." she urged.  "Let me try to be a comfort to you tonight, and not just pain.  Let me start proving to you with actions, not just words, that you hold my heart in your hands utterly. And if not... then just know that I will move heaven and earth in order to have your complete trust again, because nothing less will do." 

She stepped aside, letting him walk out if he felt he must, adding "I just couldn't let you leave again without letting you know that I am being honest with you... I do love you, Gavin. I will prove it to you no matter the cost.  I will have your trust again, in time, and I'll work however long that takes because you mean that much to me."

Gavin sighed audibly as he looked at Isabella. 

"It's fine. Really. Not a big deal. I just don't want to have to deal with things like this. Not again, at least. And you said that we wouldn't have this conversation again, so that's that."

For the first time, the corner of his mouth twisted into a smirk and there was a spark in his eye. As he walked forward, Isabella found her back against the wall.

"And why would I not be sleeping tonight?"

Gavin sighed audibly as he looked at Isabella.  "It's fine. Really. Not a big deal. I just don't want to have to deal with things like this. Not again, at least. And you said that we wouldn't have this conversation again, so that's that."

Isabella nodded, agreeing to Gavin's very clear message.  He wanted to forget this.  If that was what he wanted, she wasn't going to argue.  As far as she was concerned she wanted to forget this too!  All the better if he wasn't lying about that... of course, if he was, she was sure this fuck up would make an appearance in later discussions... which she hoped wasn't the case.  God send that Gavin wasn't that sort!

For the first time, the corner of his mouth twisted into a smirk and there was a spark in his eye. 

Isabella's head tilted to the side as she watched him changing gears mentally so fast that it was almost unnerving.

As he walked forward, Isabella found her back against the wall.

She sucked a breath sharply as she impacted the solid surface.  Shock, confusion, pleasure, and then desire ... the last one growing with blinding speed, crossed her face.

"And why would I not be sleeping tonight?"

Her pulse quickened.  She didn't hesitate.  She grabbed him by the collar and pulled him to her lips, kissing him violently, possessively.  This went on for some time before she put her forehead to his and pulled her lips away just far enough to purr, "Because, my White Wolf, I'm going to keep you up all night."

She released him from her left hand in order to deadbolt the door.  Then, eyes still locked on his, she lashed his lips with the tip of her tongue, smirking.  Then she dropped out of his line of sight, talons tearing away everything that separated her from him - cloth, leather, and steel. 

The Dragon had, despite the odds against it, returned.  She wasn't letting her treasure slip away, not tonight, not ever.