Issue Six.

OMG! Is it true?!?!! Priscilla Press is back?!!? Yes it fucking is! People have missed their weekly dose of her bitchy moods, smart ass comments, stupid polls, and pissing off some city. Well, I am back. Most people thought I was gone for good. No, I just took a well needed vacation (They made me go to rehab for my coke addiction)....Bitches. Let the paper begin!!!

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Recycled Speeches.

Although I have a feeling that this has been asked before, Cowboy_Floyd came into the streets with a question. Does money = power or does power = money? Well here is my outlook on it. Take a look in the library and look at some of the old speeches. It has been asked before. It has been answered before. Let's have a touch of originality people. I know I am not the only one sick ofhearing the same speeches and same arguements. Geez. WARNING: If I see a topic along the streets that I have heard before, I will expose you!!! I will say something about it. Don't want to be exposed, don't do it. That is all.

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This is NOT a joke!

There is a person by the name of Townslave who is desperate to kiss some major ass! No, not really, she's just trying to make her leader smile. Falcao. Now let me explain to you why Falcao has not cracked a smile in months.

It all started a month ago. Falcao had an affair with a young prostitue. Her name was Joe. Pronounded [She-lly]. Weird, I know. They hit it off as soon as they saw eachother. When he say her on the corner, and the way her eyes glistened in the street light made him fall madly in love with him...I mean her. So Falcao picked her up asked how much for a BJ. He was shocked at the young sluts answer. $1,000. This was the most he had ever had to pay for one. He payed up and liked it. Liked it ALOT! Liked it enough to let her spend the night. He took Joe back to his house and they had a romantic night. Falcao found himself falling in love. When he woke up, he saw that the young woman appeared to be a....man! He then stabbed Joe, threw him in the ocean and hasn't been the same since.

Please help this man get over his love and tell him a joke. Read all about it Here.

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Interview.

I got a chance to sit down with LaQuenta, a Crew Leader of Chicago. Check it out:

P: Hows it going?

L: Je suis Fantastique

P: Ok, this is America. Speak English. What do you perfer to use, Marijuana or Opium?

L: Opium of course, at it's best on the island of Koh Tao in Thailand, lucid dreams checking out the sea is sick.

P: What's your deepest darkest secret?

L: I have a fetish for the smell of Fent.

P: Yum. I heard you have a sex tape coming out soon, care to comment?

L: If you like old people and beastiality, this is certainly for you. Otherwise stay well clear, don't want people to think i'm weird or something

P: It's a little too late for that. Ohh GOD! That shirt is hideous, where did you get that from?

L: This shirt is what your mother sent me as a gift for the other night. If you look in the bottom right hand corner, you can see your own face on it. Beautiful eh?

P: I can see a cum stain. Hmm... Any last words you want the public to know?

L: I have a thing for beyonce, i always think that the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.

P: Who the fuck is Beyonce? This interview is over, you're speaking foolishness. Now. Bye Bye. You're dismissed.

Well....that was. Yea. Thanks LaQuenta.

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Priscilla Fund.

Yes, the Priscilla fund is back and has recieved a large amount of money. For those of you who may not know what the Priscilla Fund is, I will be more than happy to tell you. This fund goes to my Cocaine Addiction. Now, I know I just got out of rehab for it, but Cocaine is just too fucking good! Here is an update on how much I have recieved:

$1,250,001

Oh, you guys are just awesome. Keep sending me your money! I need cocaine. Cocaine needs me!!!

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Out Of The Loop.

Now guys, I have a confession. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THE STREETS! I walk around, trying to find something funny that I could make fun of. But I am seriously, out of the loop. Being away for so long makes me feel like an alien. All these unfamiliar faces, so many people who I have yet to make fun of. I'm sorry, for all of those people I have not made fun of yet, don't worry, there is enough Priscilla to go around for everyone. Soon I will know all of your names and know how to push your buttons to get you pissed! Don't worry! I will make you proud.

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New Word.

In rehab I came up with a new word. The word is: Hopletit. (HOPE - LEE - TIT). It is what I called all the people I hated, and what I said to them. In rehab, I could not curse. So instead of saying "You are such a bitch!", I would say "You are such a Hopletit", which basically means the same thing. It can mean any curse word you want. The looks on those peoples faces were PRICELESS. They did not know what to do. I said it with a smile on my face. Here are some of the other ways I said it:

1. Hopletit PLEASEE!
2. What a Hopletit!
3. Suck my Hopletit!
4. Hopletit YOU!
5. I will Hopletit you up!
6. Keep talking hopletit!
7. Hopletit say WHAT?!??!
8. You my Hopletit!

So there we have it! HOPLETIT! Feel free to use it.

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Loser Of The Week.

We all know losers. I am going to dedicate a section of my paper every week to losers that YOU, (The Readers) submit to me. Now, we can do this anonymously or publicly. If you want to nominate someone who you feel has shown qualities of a loser, please do so. Do not care about their feelings. BECAUSE I dont. Embarrass them! It's funny! Just leave their name as a comment with a brief summary of why they should be the prestige LOSER OF THE WEEK, or mail me Here. No one is off limits, so even if you think I'm the loser of the week, feel free to nominate me. I dont give a HOPLETIT! :)

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See ya!

Well, Well, Well. After weeks of being M.I.A, Priscilla Press is FINALLY back. Read it, Love it, Rate it, Lick it, Stick it...I don't care. Be sure to donate to the Priscilla Fund, use my new word Hopletit, and think of a loser that you would like to be featured in my next issue. Oh, before I go...If you have a business that you would like to be featured in my next issue, Mail me.  It's free of charge. I support the Business District, almost as much as I support prostitution. Well...untill next time.

Later Hopletits!

Albert laughs all the time when he read the Priscilla Press

I love this thing, keep up the good work Ms. Priscilla !

About time, I missed this little treat.

Enjoyable read. Thank you very much for the effort you put into this. It makes Dick want to stand up firm and salute!

Lights a joint and reads again

All I can say is welcome back! I look forward to more of you and your coke habit in the streets. Nicely done.

Ole Floyd grabs an issue, folds it up like tissue, wipes his balls with it and throws it in the trash bin.

Now that's original!!!!

Cowboy_Floyd walks off smiling saying to himself its good to know my name subject of interest

Interesting Floyd......

And they call me a dick....

At least I know how to not put down people's hard work I suppose.

No pun intended.

Not bad but let's be honest, it's no Tribune.

Priscilla

Tony reads the paper.. laughing a bit at some parts..placing it down and taking a drink

Out of the thousands of mobsters walking our streets, who do nothing but click click click, you come to us, rarely active but still dedicated enough to do this work.. which is more than most, especially some of those haters out there who couldnt even write one sentence properly but still can put it down just as quick..

I would hate to see what a full time coke addicted mobster would come out with.. get that coke habit checked out, and ill see you around the HQ.

A work in progress, but still work.

Meech picks up a paper, thought it was the Tribune, realizes it's another one of those "Newspapers". Actually one of the 5 or 6 that came out a couple months back, which was probably ranked 5th on that list of newspapers. Meech places the paper back on the stack and leaves a dime for her time, saying

TonyCorelli is right, she wrote alot of un-interesting "sentences properly", and for that she gets a dime for her time.  I enjoy seeing sentences wrote properly even if the content is not very intriguing.

Congratz on your good grammer, gangster!

Tommygun-Johnny picks the latest issue of Priscilla Press from the nearby newspaper stand. He quickly scans it through and finds it just as funny as its predecessors.

"OH SHE IS BACK! AND STILL HOPLETIT AWESOME!... nah I prefer to call things with their real names. This paper is FUCKING BRILLIANT."

Tommygun-Johnny writes a check for a considerable donation to Priscilla's coke fund.

"You'll be sure not to sniff it all at once though, luv. That will make you more paranoid than Stalin. And don't use it on crack either. That stuff ruins your looks. Trust me ;)"

Then the ugly critter folds the newspaper carefully in the middle, places it under his arm, picks up his machine pistol and continues robbing post offices. Now with a smile in his face.     

The-Situation stands amongst the crowd smoking a cigarette, flicking it away he speaks.

Ain't there a real paper out there with...idk news?. Many of you like this mock news stuff..me I guess I like traditional journalism. But whatever keeps your coke addiction fed right?. Lovely effort.