3.

2.

It was only a moment, but it felt like it lagged on for an eternity. The condensation from his forehead dripped down towards his eyes and blinded him for a moment -- having eyebrows right now would have really been a positive, but the day was a long and confusing one, and by the end of it there were no eyebrows to be had. Why? Well to know why, you'd have to go back to the very beginning of the day...

BzzzzztZZZZT.

and just like that, an impromptu morning shit and shave turned into no eyebrows for at least the next three weeks. Eyebrows has been said a lot already, hasn't it? Kind of strange. You never expect that word to be your most used. Eyebrows. Heh. Oh no, I almost forgot!

1.

Just like that it was over for Bachelor, as the... timer went off and the cake was ready to be pulled out of the oven? Seriously? Is this the script we're using? Fuck this. I'm out. You can find a new narrator.

Pulling the cake from the oven, he wiped his head clean with a towel and carried it over towards the window so that it could cool. Yet that was when his life would be changed forever, because you see, in such a high stakes world such as the mafia, anything can give you away, and the wafting aroma from Bachelor's signature german chocolate cake would surely become the end of him.

"Are you sure he's here?"

"Of course he is, can't you smell that fucking decadence? It has to be him. No one makes such a divine cake as Bachelor.", the two mafia men say to one another as they make their way around the side of his home. Yet he was waiting for them. It was a trap all along, and using his quick wit and rather large muscles he was able to disarm and destroy both men in a matter of seconds. Looking down at them as they lay there lifeless, he held the rolling pin he used in some creative ways on the goons and quipped...

"I guess this wasn't your finest flour."

After such a terrible joke, Bachelor had to find a third writer, but none of the other styles looked good enough so we're back to italics. It's better if you don't question it.

Dragging both of the now deceased men into his house, Bachelor called one of his closest friends on to the scene. He would need help to identify who they were and why exactly they wanted him dead. He had many enemies, to be sure, but these two looked well equipped. The kind you'd employ if you needed a job brought to completion with no worries.

"Gasp!"

That's when he saw it, it was the calling card he used back when he lived the life of a male model slash stripper slash plumber. How did they have it?! There could only have been one person who would have known.

THE FRIEND HE JUST CALLED!!! WHAT A CRAZY TWIST!!!!!

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Come in. I'm totally not busy in the middle of the god damn day." said John as he pushed his typewriter to the side

"Sorry to interrupt your writing but we got an urgent message." said Lann the local lackey.

"Who called?" asked John.

"No one. It wasn't a call. A courier came by with a note addressed to you. Whoever it was, paid for a speedy delivery." said Lann.

John stood from his pleather chair and grabbed the envelope from Lann. He gave him a nod and motioned towards the door as a polite way of telling him to get the fuck out. John opened it and found a hastily written message on a napkin.

Come to house. Big trouble bud.

Is that blood or ketchup on the napkin thought John. There was no time to taste. Bachelor was in trouble.

48 Minutes later.

"Why do you live so far?" said John as Bachelor opened the door.

There was no time at all to explain, and so Bachelor grabbed Johnathan by the jacket and pulled him into the house. There lay two half unconscious men who didn't seem to be dead at all, but rather extremely beaten with what looked to be a rolling pin and a now broken spatula that had apparently broken off somewhere in man number two.

"Men. Me. Dead. Handsome me. Friend. Not friend!"

It was the only words he could muster before jetting over towards the window and pointing at a german chocolate cake in all of its glory. The draft of coconut and chocolate still swirling around in the air, only slightly ruined by the smell of shit coming from man number one who seemed to have just expired.

"Cake!"

Only moments after explaining everything in intense detail, a shot was heard right outside of the building. There he was, the man, the myth, the runner up four years in a row to the men's beauty pageant that Bachelor always seemed to win. He now stood right outside of Bachelor's door, and he appeared to be out for revenge.

"Bachelor! Come out! I've come to finish the job myself. Let us handle this like the old days...", he stopped speaking for a moment to sprinkle some baby powder on his abs, "A duel to the death."

The end of that statement made no sense to Bachelor, as they've obviously never dueled to the death before, but it was menacing so he'd give him that much. Bachelor knew now more than ever what he had to do, it was something he was hoping it wouldn't come down to, but there was no hiding from it now.

"John, go handle this please."

"How do you constantly get in these situations? Where do you meet these people? Why are you the way you are?" asked a frustrated John

".........." said Bachelor.

"I'm gonna go outside and handle this. While I do that, kill these two poor bastards. They don't deserve to live with the shame." stated John.

John sighed and approached the door wondering how he always gets involved with this bullshit. He opened the door to find Bachelor's friend/possible lover flexing all over the lawn.

"Let me guess. He's too scared to face me." said the man as he showed off his delts.

"I bet he's watching from the window. Time to put on a show." said the man as he turned around to show off his non-existent back muscles.

As he turned away, John pulled out a pistol and shot him three times before the man fell dead. He put the safety back on before putting the pistol back in its holster.

"Why me God? Why am I here? Just to suffer? said John as he looked to the heavens.