Bella sat up abruptly, her heart racing.  The book she'd been reading fell out of her hands and tumbled loudly to the floor.  She'd dozed off on the couch reading and her already fading nightmare had startled her awake. 

Blinking she looked at the time and then noticed Gavin standing in the kitchen now looking out toward her.  There was a drink in his hand and a bottle open in front of him. 

"Sorry I guess I'm more tired than I realized... maybe I'm coming down with something, I feel like I've been dragging all week."  She admitted, putting her feet to the floor and walking towards him, pulling her robe shut as she moved to keep the draft off her.

"Any chance I could have a glass of gin and join you?  I mean... since we're both up, why drink alone?"  she stood at the counter and let him pour her a drink silently. 

A moment later she took a sip before asking him, "How you doing?  We good to talk about things now... or would you like to finish these in peace and go back to the bed together?

Gavin handed her the drink and headed back toward the couch. 

"We can talk."

Bella followed him and once he sat down with his back half to the back and half to the arm, she settled in beside him, resting against him.  The loft was a great apartment, but as the days grew colder she was increasingly glad for the fireplace they'd be using any time now to take the chill off the room.

"So... let me tell you something."  She looked into her glass.  "For two very good reasons, I never thought I'd end up Mrs. Gavin Byrne.  They might surprise you.  The first was because of something you told me back when we first met, that a wedding ring was only a little better than a dog collar.  I don't know why that stuck with me, but it always did and it had me convinced, long before I knew about toothbrush girl, that you'd never want me more than just as a weekend fling." 

She chuckled.  "Now... I admit I was sort of insulted by it when you first said it.  I have always wanted to be married and to build my own family, but as time passed... I kinda saw your point and started re-examining my own motives and desires."

She sipped her gin, letting the sweetness of the liquor burn away some of the lingering tension from her nightmare,  "The second," She admitted, "Was all me."

"I honestly was scared that marriage would change you in a bad way and I was totally selfish.  I liked you the way I found you and didn't want or need you to change for me.  So, all of that to say, what you said today about..."

"And, yes, I know it was said in the heat of the moment and under some misunderstandings.  But, I want you to know that if you ever think that I'm trying to manipulate or control you, I'm not only giving you my blessing to - but asking you to call me on it.  I don't want that to happen, Gavin.  I don't want to be that person in your eyes, not ever, not even incidentally or for what I might feel like a good reason at the time.  I DO love you just as you are and I promise, every change you have made since we first met has done nothing but make me love you more."

She arched her neck to look up at him and give him the faintest hint of a smile.  "And want to be better too..."  She turned back to look out into the room, resting the back of her head against his chest.  "I use to think the best part of being with you was that you wanted the parts of me that I felt like I had to keep hidden... and it is, to some degree, but you call me on my shit a lot better than anyone else."

"I know you're still bothered by what happened, but that we were able to talk through things today was kinda a big deal.  It's not something either of us has a lot of experience in seeing couples do.  I grew up with one parent so never saw anything like what we had to do today, and you... well that goes without saying." 

She took another sip of her gin, very small before adding, "I'm kinda proud of us for getting through that without ending up sleeping alone tonight.  It could have gone really bad, ya know?"  

Gavin's silence continued, maybe he was just listening to her prattle on, but more likely he was still lost in his own thoughts.  So, she had two choices, ask him things... or wait him out.  He did have a habit of talking, eventually, and getting shit out of his system.  The question here was this, was she the person he needed or wanted to talk to?  If he was thinking about the priest, he might not want to talk to her.  Of course, she still wanted to know about the priest from his past - but maybe he'd bring that up himself.  Maybe he needed to really.

Bella forced herself to silence.  She would wait for him, if she could bear it.  Whatever he was dealing with she knew that guessing at it might make matters worse if he wasn't ready to talk about it.  Or worse she could be wrong and then she'd make an even bigger mess of things and she definitely didn't want that.  No, she'd wait... and if he chose not to speak and made for bed or out the door... well, she'd cross that bridge when they came to it.

Gavin listened and reflected as Bella spoke. He'd been thinking a lot since their earlier... disagreement. He rolled his eye slightly at "toothbrush girl", but stayed silent until she was done. 

"I called it shit because I thought we'd be partners, and I thought you'd disregarded that. Choosing to ignore me to kill someone who affected me without consulting me would be bullshit... and I thought that was what happened. I'm glad I was wrong."

He was quiet for a while.

"How do you think I've changed?"

Bella thinks a moment, "Maybe it's more correct to say I no longer dismiss Tara's insights?" 

"You see, she and I have always had views of you that were not really in concert.  For a while, I think we both questioned how well she really knew you all these years.  I think she thought she understood who you were and that, as I told her who I saw you to be, she began to think maybe she was wrong all along.  Now,"  She shrugs, "I like to think your sister did know the real you, but that I came into your life at a time you were ready to make some changes - not because of me, I wouldn't say that really, but I was very fortunate to have met you when this was occurring."

She looked at her glass, "So, no, I can't say that I've seen a change happen per say, but what you tell me... and what she tells me... those things paint a picture of a different you.  I hear what she and you have said about who you were before me and I envision this guy who was living a confirmed bachelor's life, one with little sense of dedication to anything but his own pleasure and his sister's safety and well being.  Unwavering loyalty to Jack Mezzo, of course, but tempered with a fair amount of living a bohemian lifestyle between jobs. The described Gavin wasn't very open with people, unwilling or unable to have discussions like we are having right now.  He was quick to fuck, fight, and kill whenever it suited him.  It sounds sometimes as if he left a trail of tears behind him for any of the aforementioned three frequently."

She looked to him now with a warmth to her smile, "The man I married isn't scared of being honest with me and if he is, he does it anyway.  You've shared with me a lot - and I suspect we still have many bridges to yet cross... but it's less about secrets and more about just having something come up or be relevant.  No one knows EVERYTHING about the person they're with during the first few years, there just isn't enough hours in the day when both the husband and wife work as we do.  You still love fighting, fucking"  She gave him a flirty wink, "and even killing when needs are there for it... but you've got an incredible capacity for honor, integrity, hard work, and the protection of not just your own freedoms, but all those around you.  You're not book learned, but you have such a respect for those who are that you're trying to better yourself... and a hearth and street wisdom that could shame most scholars."

She looked out into the room again and leaned her head back on him once more, "Maybe I'm wrong and the changes aren't so drastic as Tara might have me think... but like I said, if you have changed to become the man I love, I certainly can not complain one bit."

She glances up at him from the corner of her eye, still resting on him, "Do you worry about changing?  Do you see things in your life as Tara seems to see them?"

Gavin took a long drink and seemed to carefully measure his response. 

"I'm not worried about changing. The Tara stuff, I'm not so sure of. But I know she's happier with me now than she was before."

For a moment she's quiet, but Bella was never good at waiting or holding in what felt like it needed to be addressed.  A bull in a china shop, at times, had more subtly despite her own perceptions to the contrary.

"I would like to know more about this Priest who was so important to you... the one you mentioned you made a promise to in the past?"  She put a hand down on his thigh and rubbed it to reassure him.

"Of course, if you prefer I ramble on some more until you do feel like talking?"  She smirked.  "I don't mind so much, so long as it makes you happy to listen to me?  I just can't help feeling like you got a lot going on inside your head tonight and I don't want to drive you madness listening to me endlessly spouting off."

Gavin yawned and stretched out his arm around Bella's shoulder. 

"Well, this particular story... like most of the stories of my childhood... starts with my father being a monstrous asshole..."

He relaxed as he continued to talk. Once, he hadn't enjoyed talking about his past... like many things, it was getting easier for him.