Darkness looms in the occupied cell, lights out only the faint sound of breathing and the crackling of a cigarette can be heard. The light from the burning ember casting light on a cold face, eyes staring forward blackness as in reflection of the surroundings. Followed by a long sigh and an exhale. Soreness from his scuffle with the guards upon his arrival. After each breathe an exhale before another drag of his cigarette. As in any moments of isolation the mind begins to wander.

You ever been put in a situation where you just had yourself, this life what is it? A money making social club but what happens when your plucked from that social club. Do you give up? Do you begin to waste away because all you have to remember is bits and pieces of the good old days? Many do, I’ve seen many waste the fuck away after a personal tragedy be it whatever...

Everyone has a story, every story has he potential for some tragedy, and let’s face it people have different thresholds for the type of abuse they can take. And when your alone well it’s you that has to either drown or climb above it. But it truly is the moment everything is shaken from you and, you are bare that you can really see what your capable of, and you could only fucking sit there and start to piece together why things are the way they are.

For myself l the key moment I couldn’t help but find myself going back too, the day I heard the words that would change 10 years of my life. Everything before that point was a blur and meaningless, and let’s face it everything after that point until I was a free man again was just a means to an end. But those words still haunting me, repeating over and over.

“Richard Aprile, you have been accused and convicted of being apart of a certain Italian American conspiracy, I hereby pass a sentence of ten years with eligibility of parole on good behavior.... do you have anything to say?”

It’s amusing how every man is more likely to dish out more then what he can take. Very few are par, equal. It was certain that these menigan wearing suits didn’t understand what it was like to be in my situation, although when you see the flash and the cash you can’t help but wonder if they take a moment to pretend. In any case I had ten years to think ten years to re evaluate my life up to that point. At first as anyone I could only imagine getting my hands on a juror or that fucking judge, but alas I had to wait. Wait and ponder and dream of the future I wanted to work towards when I got out. These thoughts are just the beginning of the whole story... as for speaking to that cock sucking judge I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

Deep breathes just take deep breathes and count to ten and just hope to Christ you can drown out the cries from the deranged animals and fucks you share this stupid home with... I was already lucky enough not to be bothered with a stupid felt but every waking moment of this was a moment I wanted to escape, like a caged animal with nowhere to go the only form of refuge from this plight was in your own mind. So that’s where I was, for the longest of times. Feels like a lifetime when your sitting there wondering what sick demented fuck would break your little moment of peace and try to mess with you... 

The yelling and screaming around him forcing a vein to begin to throb on his temple... Clearly the blank everything out strategy wasn’t working. His eyes open as he takes hand of a mirror and tosses it across his cell watching it shatter much like he wished to shatter certain peoples teeth right about now. In all actually it was the consequence of a thirst for quiet being unquenched.  This was a time of reflection,  a time of repenting tho A time to take stock in the things that happened in the past. It’s what the menigan call rehabilitation but for me it was just time I needed to find and assure the mistakes of the past were never made again.

“Why don’t you guys shut the fuck up im trying to think over here “ 

Richie mutters out enough for those around him to hear him, if this was his first day perhaps there would have been some trouble but that standard was set his first hours in the can. The growing silence of the crowd around him causing a small smirk to form on the side of his face . As he starts to pick up the broken prices of the mirror he can only reflect and wonder as he stares at his own broken reflection. It hitting him once again a chapter from the past. This time not a moment of monumental change but still impactful. 

“You.... bitch, we were suppose to be together, we were suppose to be each others but you couldn’t wait. I remember reading your words to me over and over again, I can remember the sting inside the pit of my stummoch. 10 years and you couldn’t wait 10 years and the love fell apart. 10 years to think about what happens when I see your face again....”

He knew deep down that when he got out he wanted only one thing from her, her fear. And by god every day he thought of new ways of extracting what he wanted from he vile ones who forgot about him. The kind of fear his first victim in the can was feeling the moment it happened.... The moment the life was taken.

Take a life? What is it to take a life really? It happens all the time, happens in a New York minute as they say. I’ve never been one to shy away from violence, but at the same time I can say I’ve never gotten a sick thrill from it as some others do. It was a means to an end. If it were to get me my money and it was the only way it would happen it was happening end of question end of damn story. I’d like to say that this life we live attracts the most sound sort of individual but I would be lying then wouldn’t I?. 

Richie pauses for a moment taking a breathe before searching the spot beside him on his bunk for a pack of cigarettes. Lighting one he continues to reflect upon taking the first long drag.

Truth be told I myself was never the most sound until I was put behind bars. Cut off from the life and those  I knew so well, those I loved and those I hurt for. And ultimately I knew it was the accumulation of incorrect actions that brought me to this point. Hell its been making people call the big house home since humans first started to fuck around with each other. 

But even as I try to keep a level head and speak, I can still feel the old fires still burning within my soul. I grew up in this thing, and it was apart of me much as it is apart of anyone else. To be stuck and wasting away tho, it enraged me, even more so then any of the incidents that happened on the outside. Why? Because when your only option is to wade they the shit and hope that you don’t drown in the under-toe. For growing up in a business where there were always options, having none was driving me crazier and crazier. 

Richie pauses for a moment before he shakes his head. Again the isolation starting to play with his emotions a bit. For which he was thankful nobody could see him in these moments of humanity. His mind goes to her first, before it moves to them and he smiles slightly. Before he faces of those whom he loathes start to manifest right before him. In the manor of joy he could imagine they had the moment he was put away. It took all of his being not to start a riot.

I knew better I knew a lot better then to cause trouble while I was locked up. More trouble only meant more time inside and let’s face it, I wasn’t too too young when I was locked up. Another five years could mean the difference between coming out with any hope of making it on the outside. So I would sit, and reflect and keep the faces of friends and foes etched in my own mind. Some I turned to see again, others I so badly wished to see reach their ends. The things you ponder when your by yourself, I can say only a fraction of it ever is positive.

Richie has another drag of his smoke, reaching under his bunk for a bottle of sweet tasting contraband. Hearing the howls from the jealous alcohaulics who have the sound of a bottle top opening etched in their thirsty brains. Richie bringing the bottle to his lips before taking a large gracious swig. Stopping himself from devouring the liquor not knowing when his next package would be arriving. He returns to his thoughts.

Everything is better with a drink in my opinion, but at the same time how many stupid things could I attest too based on being under the influence. Not that I have a problem, I mean shit I obviously did before I wound up here... and now it is happily managed, still one to enjoy every now and then hurt nobody... But there were plenary hurt on the outside, plenty outraged and truthfully they were within their rights to be.

Richie just chuckles for a moment. Taking he opportunity to steal another swig of his drink, accompanying it with a long drag from his cigarette. A small smile forming on his face as he realizes that those same faces would all forget or suffer their own horrible fate by the time he was released. He found this revelation therapeutic to say the least...