Walking up the trail, he could see the yellow lights of a bonfire dancing between the trees and shrubs in the distance, along with the sound of a few guitars attempting to play in unison.  The sky was clear and full of stars and he wore a simple t-shirt and blue jeans.  The path, normally a narrow game trail, had been trampled by the large number of people that had traversed to the secluded location.

  While many flocked to the protected environments of a bar or dancehall, that had never been his preference.  Growing up in a small town, his calling had always been the outdoors. Now, as he walked up to the party in which he had been graciously invited, he felt like such a stranger, even to those he called family. 

  Scanning the location, he grabbed a beer from a box filled with ice and then made his way over to a log adjacent to the fire.  The secluded location had been cleared by a logging company the prior year and soon became a private party location for a group that seemed to share so many of the same experiences and beliefs, yet he still felt alone.  Why can’t you just relax and be happy in the moment?  Why do you always have to push until something breaks? Were the two questions he had been asking himself over and over for the past week.

  Directly opposite of him, sat a couple that had no reservations regarding public displays of affection.  Shaking his head and looking in another direction, he felt the heat of the fire on his face and the front of his legs, yet felt a chill in the air that he hadn’t noticed previously.  Soon, he was transfixed as he stared into the flickering flames of orange and yellow.

  His mind drifted to that which he had lost.  More than anything, he had lost a friend that night and that would forever haunt him.  Why can’t you just relax and be happy in the moment?  Why do you always have to push until something breaks?  Same questions, but still no answers came.  He had always been a lone wolf, keeping to himself and shying away from the crowds.  And even now, as he sat in the middle of a party, he was alone.  He had tried to pretend that he had social skills and tear down the walls that seemed to have existed from his youth.  And ultimately, either fear of actually letting someone into his world or the irrationality of some other excuse, he had pushed her and other “friends” unsympathetically away, only to disappear once again.

  Staring into the fire, he pondered his future.  He was not concerned about the mock insinuations that people made regarding his character or courage.  They didn’t know him or what he had endured.  He wasn’t concerned about the trivial accusations that he lacked loyalty or couldn’t be trusted.  Those that truly knew him knew better.  Why can’t you just relax and be happy in the moment?  Why do you always have to push until something breaks?  Still no answers.

Staring into the fire, guitar music was played a short distance away, yet his mind drifted to far away places, cold winter nights, and new music that they had shared.  These memories brought a smile to his face and with a deep exhale, the resolution that life would go on.