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Dick dressed up like Santa Clause comes out to the front of the crowd and begins to speak
"As you all may know, at least I hope you know, the holidays are quickly approaching. Which means lots of Family gatherings, kids smiling as their annoying asses push your buttons on how much dessert they can have, and a lot of thankful people. It can't always be all fun and games people. Oh no sir! It can all be going wonderful, and then the next moment everything falls limp like the night AnthonyCorelli attempted to seduce SyrupWaffle. Why put yourself in such a sticky situation to begin with? Anyhow, I have come to you all today to inform you that not all is lost! I am going to tell you exactly how to get out of these Holidays safely and without any harm done. Just listen and learn people, listen and learn."
Pulls out a list
"First let's start with what not to say during Thanksgiving in front of any perverts such as myself. It can get ugly!"
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"Are you going to come again next time?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
"I have recently intercepted a letter sent from Sal_Giaquinto last year to the big man Santa himself. I suggest if you want to make an impression on the jolly fellow, refrain from doing this. "
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, a train set, a pair of gloves, and a baseball uniform. I destroyed my brain being good the whole year! Not only was I the first in family earnings at one point, but I had the best prostitutes working the street bringing in double tribute. I'm not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire family that behaved better than me. With my bosses, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE...YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH!
Sincerely, Sal
"Let's hope Santa hooks Sal up this year, or at least isn't the first house he stops at, or the rest of us may never get any presents!"
Smiling Richard continues on
"And of course, we cannot forget New Years. So what is New Years if you don't make any New Year resolutions?"
Dick pulls out another paper
"Here in my hand I have TonyCorelli's New Years resolutions list. That's right ladies and gentlemen! Let's see what the big guy had to say shall we?"
My Resolutions - by TonyCorelli - Really it's me that wrote this.
Lose weight until Summer is over and then gain all of it back.
Stop smoking .... in hospitals.
Save money .... on hookers.
Eat healthier by adding more lettuce on BLTs.
Find my soul mate .... and five extra partners.
Procrastinate less. Listen to my favorite radio telecast before heading to the Head Quarters.
Clean up the clutter in my bank account by going to Vegas.
Keep in touch with old schoolmates that have gained more weight then me.
Drink less alcohol .... at funerals.
Have more sex ...... With real women this time! You can do it!
Stay away from the petting zoos. The stalking chargers weren't worth it.
Take better care of your health...... Cut it done to a half gram of coke a day
Be more honest...... Telling the truth to Whatsername about the pills I slipped into her drink would be a good start
I will not bore TheDean with the same excuse for gambling. I will think of some more excuses.
I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
"So there you have it! I hope everyone's Holidays go smooth and safely."
Dick waves to the crowd and begins bellowing, "HO, HO, HO.." *cough*
"Man these lungs aren't what they use to be."
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