Today I am going to speak out. Today I am going to stop hiding behind fake smiles and laughs.

In this game there is a very big problem with bullying and abusing people. For years I have had to deal with numerous of it. I know some of you are going to stop here, groan and say "It's just Melis being Melis again." So if you stop here you should probably be aware that you might be part of the problem in this game.

We have a smallish community compared to many other games. For some it's tight, for some of us it has been unraveling for many issues that come from both ourselves and others. And yes I can say that I have played a part in some of my hardships that have been coming through this game of late. I had mistakenly thought that I had friends here but when they abandon you then some of your problems can be enhanced. Ten times worse when you find out that they have lied to you.

My point being is that majority of you do not know me. There is a very small handful (and I can count them on one hand) that know anything about me. So let me introduce myself to you a little bit. My name is Melissa. I suffer from Fibromyalgia, arthritis, Borderline Personality Disorder, two forms of depression and asthma. I don't share these with you so that you will feel bad for me or pity me. I hate pity and most of all I couldn't care for people feeling bad for you. I bring these up so you recognize that there is another human being behind the screen. Maybe I am not like you, maybe we have some similiarities, who really knows because most of you have never taken the time to really know me.

You've taken the time to spread rumours about me. You have taken the time to tell me how horrible of a person I am. You have more than often enough taken the time to ridicule and abuse me based on no truths at all. All of these I have taken for years. From strangers and from people I have considered friends over the years. When someone took the time to bring up mental health, I watched you all ridicule him and toss the topic aside.

Here is the thing, this is the day and age when suicide over internet shit is real. If any of you know there have been plenty of people that have committed suicide over things that are much less than I have had to put up with here. You can laugh at me for considering it but that is just ignorance because you would not understand the point in which I have reached my limit both with RL and with IG shit.

When I first started this game back in 2009 it was an escape from some things I was going through at the time. I had met some good people back then and had remained friends with them until recently. Years can bring about many changes in people's lives and sometimes you just stop meshing well with them.

Now I know many of you think that I am playing victim but you would have missed the part where I have acknowledged I played some part. I played the part where I stopped allowing people here to walk all over me. Where I began to stick up for myself. You are right I do not fit into the box that MR wants me to be. I dont smile and nod at people like I should and I am very opinionated. Behind all my speaking out has been people telling me they were unhappy with the game. I tried to make it better. I tried to talk about things that would make it better.

It always came down to "Oh its just Melis."

Well "Oh its just Melis" is not an excuse you can hide behind. People have the right to try to better the community rather than watch it as it becomes nothing more than bullying. You want to know why I stopped playing properly. This is it.

So much I want to support Squishy but I find I cant bring myself to spend money when we are at this stage in the community.

I truly hope it gets better in time.

Melis

I hope that while you were in my crew, you enjoyed yourself. I did not know you before you were in my crew, and I thought you were a nice person. I had no preconceived ideals about you, because I don't judge people by what others tell me, I make my own decisions.

I hope that you will reach out to me anytime you need a friend. I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch right now. ♥ 

Brave and sad that it is required move, Melissa. 

We operate within an often precarious remit in MR. Mobster, gangster life and generally not being nice to each other is the running theme. There's something to be said for the other side of that coin, family, respect and loyalty, however those words are probably not really appropriate being as you feel you're dealing with a real issue. It would be wrong to gloss over it with the lighter aspects of our game.

We've talked occasionally and I hope there is a respect between us. I for one understand that your reactions might often not be expressed how you would in a ... "normal" state of mind. Ideally how you act or react shouldn't drive how you are treated, but that's always been difficult to control with the internet. 

I'm not going to waffle on as I don't want to steal away from the message you are trying to deliver. What I will say is that knowing someone is in a noticeably "different" situation to "normal" people does help. Not necessarily related to your situation, but I have friends with Aspergers syndrome which, without knowing, means they can come across as rude and obnoxious. The knowing that they are driven by impulses helps in how to deal with interactions. What I'm trying to say is that the awareness helps.

As you say, you don't want a pity party and it is unrealistic to wrap everyone to cotton wool and hold hands. I hope however that your words will serve as a reminder that there are real people behind these characters and that this is a game. This is not 4chan or reddit or a dark seedy corner of the internet that creates violent videos for children to find. We are a community with a common interest.

I'm sorry you feel there is a situation to address, but it might be the awareness of it that helps resolve it.

This place has become an e-peen arena, so many of the players have turned to trying to somehow prove their internet tough guy shit and its pathetic, some people ask me why I don't play much anymore, why my last runs were years ago and its simply for this reason.

I made loads of stupid mistakes in my career here, got played by some people and died for it, but I come to respect those guys now because they had a reason for it knowing I was a loose cannon and likely to kill them or those they cared about. End of the day we remained friends and still talked on a personal level and I still do talk to many of those people.

Now days its about trying to be the biggest dick you can possibly be while your little friend circle that won't give a shit about you once you lose power rubs you off and laughs with you when you insult peoples real lives or make up shit about people that IRL you would get your ass beat for saying.

I have definitely had my issues over the years with Melis as many know but she has many points made here and many of them do derive from the "Oh It's Just Melis" excuse as one of my past RH's said to me one day. You don't know what anybody is going through in their lives and you don't know how what you say may effect them, I am no saint of this believe me as I have had to question myself in the things I have said and some things I have done in the past are disgusting.

Perhaps people should also start realizing these things and try to change it and become a better person, I thought they were lying when they said age makes you wiser but now at 28 I understand now, maybe you all should try to as well.

There's a distinction between "knowing someone" in the sense of knowing the person and knowing the player/user. For instance, I've been told that people can identify my characters by the way I write, even though I doubt even a fraction of those who know me as a player even know my first name, what I do for a living, or even how old I am (much less my medical history?). For someone who's been here ten years, you are identifiable by your words and actions to many players- which, whether you like it or not, is a form of "knowing you." That isn't understanding, but it is knowledge.

I'm not going to pretend to make exceptions for, justify, or advocate for bullying. However, that knowledge without understanding is often a source of perceived bullying, persecution, or attacks on both sides. During heated conversation, someone who doesn't understand who they're talking to may say something hurtful without realizing it. During a genuinely innocuous exchange, someone who doesn't understand who they're talking to may take offense when none is given. This is not a real problem. This is not bullying. This is just people needing to understand how people and the internet works. I suspect at least some of what you've described here falls under this category.

On the flipside, there is a hyper-socialized element to this game that is effectively people playing against other people. The use of things like WhatsApp has made social interactions between players more akin to close-knit friend groups and cliques than, say, members of a team. I have willingly excused myself from participating in this game that way because it's common for those groups to be incredibly manipulative and toxic. This is something that I think is destructive and can pose real problems to the game and its community. I suspect a greater portion of the harmful behavior originated here.

Those two observations aside, this game's community very rarely engages a stranger the way you've described for no reason. In fact, I've never seen it. No one walks blind and unknowing into any kind of blistering bullying here. Which means that the treatment described in this thread is far more isolated than it first appears. This is not a bullying community, and the majority of those who have joined the game in the last 6 months will probably vouch for that. If it were that way, new users would not stick around.

The truth is, some of the things we "know" (again, knowledge, not understanding) about you, Melis, are that you are stubborn and argumentative. Those things come through in your posts even if people haven't kept up with your latest character name. You do and say things that rub people the wrong way, and if you take offense or "play the victim" (as you've admitted), it exacerbates the negative perception people form of you.

This game used to have a culture of asshole-ness. Nothing vindictive or harmful, just banter. When I first started playing, FP gave me a scathing review of a Streets thread I wanted to post. Some could take that to mean they shouldn't write, I took it to mean I should write better. I, personally, prefer that culture over being overly friendly because it's more fun to me (and its what I'm used to), but that culture doesn't easily accept someone who's sensitive or takes offense easily. In fact, that culture exists on the basis that it doesn't have to accept everyone.

The game has undeniably moved away from that culture, but there are still remnants of it that protest moving further in that direction. I believe that, at least in part, your persona and how you're viewed is tied to that change, and people mistakenly associated hating the game becoming PC with hating you. I have never felt that way, but I will admit what I "know" about you informs my personal disinterest in most of what you have to say. Please don't interpret that as an attack, it's just what I think.

I have to agree with you, nerp. This game has and always will be based off both truth and lies, lies are what it thrives on a lot of the time when it comes to certain parts of the game. You make a name for yourself based on how you are, sometimes it's good sometimes it's bad. Depending on what kind of run you have, depending on the people you roll with. All of it has an effect on how you are seen for the next run. If you have played for a very long time, chances are people will know you. When MANY people of all different kinds, friend groups, time they joined the game, are saying the same thing about you... Well, unfortunately SOME of that is on you. 

Bullying is something that will be on the internet forever. You will find it pretty much anywhere. It definitely doesn't make it right, or okay but it's something that happens. You choose whether to deal with it, you choose whether to be around it, you choose how to handle it. You could have the thickest skin or the thinnest, none of it is okay. 

"If any of you know there have been plenty of people that have committed suicide over things that are much less than I have had to put up with here." As for dealing with "less" than people who have committed suicide, is it really your say as to what is worse when they felt like that had to do that? I highly don't agree with that statement. Nobody should be saying their pain is worse as it depends on the individual.

As someone who has both heard and seen you talking about people's lineage, spreading rumours about them when you haven't said a single word to them, I can't fully react to this post in a feeling sorry for you way. I have seen you do the things you're upset about. You have made people think they can't have an opinion, you have literally attacked people for discussing a topic when they weren't even talking to you, you do this probably more than anyone I have seen in this game.

Thank you for at least bringing up the topic as awareness to this subject is always good but please be the change you want to see.

I get what you mean and i'm not going to name drop anyone, last time iv'e played this game was 2 years ago and on my first day back i almost left for good because of how rude someone was to me just for MY REASON PLAYING THIS GAME which is to have fun and support my crew.

funny how my in-game character was threatened with death for that reason.

I have been around a few years. During this time, I was bullied twice. Once by a known name which I will not disclose, and another who played the role of a coward in my email with threats. 

I know you. I know you are not playing the role of a victim. Zoom did that enough for everyone. The fact remains it is not so much we are in another era, so much as many are stuck and are obsessed of being in control. 

Antisocialism is my thing.