You pick up the book that was handed to you and begin to read . . .

Introduction

Welcome, gentle reader, to the greatest book you’ll ever read!  “The Complete and Honest Biography of Mr. Pickles.  Every fact in here has been carefully checked by the research department of The Tabloid News.  So, sit back, relax, and enjoy.

Chapter I – The Beginning

Mr. Pickles was born at a very young age to a mixed marriage of a man and a woman.  Like most babies his age, he was unable to walk or speak, but soon grew out of that.  Blocks were played with, mobiles were stared at, and there was probably some teething involved.  Motor skills were developed, and most importantly, there was potty training.  You hear that, ladies?  Pickles is completely housebroken.

Chapter II – A Child Emerges

In the year 1900, Pickles traveled to China to learn the elusive art of chopsticks.  While there, he was accosted by an English merchant, and after mumbling some disparaging remarks about the crown, several Chinese people heard him and started the Boxer Rebellion.  Pickles had to run away.  In 1902, Pickles was helping out two brothers clean up their bicycle shop when he made a paper airplane out some notebook paper.  The next thing you know, the Wright Brothers invented the airplane.  Jokes about the food served on them came minutes later.  In 1906, Pickles was working in the meat slaughtering district of Chicago.  He was complaining about the horrid working conditions to his new friend Upton Sinclair over a beer one night, and the next thing you know, “The Jungle” was published.

Chapter III – The Makings of a Scoundrel

Being a good looking chap from the Pickles lineage, Pickles met a sweet girl he wanted to impress.  She said she liked art, so in 1911 he hopped a steamer to France, and stole the Mona Lisa to give to her as a gift.  What he didn’t realize was that she liked Art Finklewicz, the millionaire next door.  Dejected and depressed, Pickles made his way over to England after about a year, where he won passage on the new ocean liner, Titanic, in a poker game.  On board he met a beautiful redhead, and the two had a brief affair until the ship supposedly struck and iceberg, and sank.  The truth is Pickles helped Captain Edward Smith cut a hole in the hull and fill it with ice.  The White Star cruise line made a fortune off the insurance.  But, back to the cold dark Atlantic . . .  as Pickles new flame was floating on a piece of wood, Pickles held on for dear life.  She started talking about marriage and family if they survived.  Pickles knew better, so he pretended to succumb to the freezing cold and sink.  He tried to swim to New York, but the currents took him south to Panama.  Upon arriving on the beach, Pickles was handed a shovel, and told to start digging.  Shortly thereafter, the Panama Canal was opened.

Chapter IV – The War Years

Pickles served his country admirably in WWI, although, Pickles kept asking the Generals why they called it number “one” when it was the War to End All Wars.  General Pershing made him scoop horse poo after that, a job Pickles would save for his enemies.

Chapter V – The Present

After being discharged from the Army, Pickles ran away to join a life of crime in the mafia, hoping to gain fame and fortune.  He still steals artwork to impress women, but fakes his own death to run away from commitment.

You finish the book with a whole new sense of awe and admiration for Mr. Pickles

SINGERROURKE sets down the book and prepares to write a letter to the author.

Dear Mr.Pickels,

                I would just like to say that i had enjoyed your book very much. My favorite chapter was chapter four. I love the fact that the man served his country and kept questioning authority. I loved it. I also thought it to be funny when i read that he would fake his own death to run away from commitment. I look forward to reading more books from you. Are you planning on writing books on other peoples lives or what else are you looking out to publish? 

               SINGERROURKE...

SINGERROURKE still tired from working all day sealed the letter and sent it off. He then went back in his room and fell back asleep.

Mr. Pickles I have to say that this is a wonderful story about your life and how it was. I applaud you Mr. Pickles, simply appluad you.

While robbing the post office KatieMurdock stumbles over a letter being mailed to a Mr. Pickles from a SINGERROURKE. Katie couldn't help herself and hijacked said letter, ripping it open and reading it. She finds it all very satisfying, but before sealing it back up Katie grabs a pen.

P.S.

My favorite part was when you stole the artwork. I have a new apartment in Chicago that needs to be decorated. Is there any chance you are still in the art business?

Love KatieMurdock

Katie folds the letter and shoves it back into the envelope, resealing it with some tape.

Dick over hears the story. After enjoying it he approached Mr. Pickles.

"Sir, I would like to shake your hand. It is nice to hear some refreshing material. I hope it don't quit!"

Dick smiles and returns to his man cave

SINGERROURKES singing senses went wild. Someone had played with his letter. Immediately he ran to the post office ravigingly going through trying to find his letter he found it. He opened it up and began to read.

Dear Ragnarok,

      Would you like a free autograph? I can give you a free one. It will only cost a dollar. Let me know if you are interested.

                           SINGERROURKE

Wrong letter. He had to keep searching. He found it. He only wrote two letters actually. So Katie Murdock had toyed with his letter. SINGERROURKE decided to play along with it.

P.S.S.    SINGERROURKE likes art too. So if you want to give him so art he would be fine with that. SINGERROURKE is so cool to i think everyone should give hima million dollars all the time. Like every day he should be getting millions just for being so cool.   --KATIE

SINGERROURKE sealed the letter and dropped it back in the pile of letters. Looking up all the postal workers were staring at the man. He felt like an idiot. SINGERROURKE then hopped off the desk and proceeded to walk out of the postal office and ran to deleware city to have coffee with some durdens.

Mr SINGERROURKE,

I feel you should be ashamed of yourself. Firstly you mis-pronounces this authors name and then you compound your error by mentioning the Durdens in the same breath. That will never do.

Such unthinking remarks have prompted many authors to stop writing and we lose a lot of creative ability.

I apologise Mr pickles for my friends unthinking remarks and can only put them down to pressure of work as he is not normally like this.

Keep up the good work.