The room was filled with a sweet smoke that made Aurora feel just a little happier, a little more relaxed, and a little … sleepy?  Perhaps that wasn’t the weed. Perhaps that was the lack of sleep these past nights since returning home to find her mother in the process of being kidnapped and her Uncle Will still alive.

The speakeasy, built in the basement of a pharmacy, was one of four which traveled to various locations in South Philly.  Aurora hadn’t come here to drink, or to score drugs, she’d come here tonight just to see if she could force herself to stop wallowing.  She wanted to stop thinking about Billy so much and to start to move on… of course, she also wanted to never let his memory go and sleep forever so she’d never had to leave him behind again.

Both options seemed equally impossible and so her choices were limited.  Either stay home and always wonder if today was the day the pain in her heart stopped, or get up and out to see if she could outrun it or forget it for even just a few hours.

The swing music was lively and many young people were dancing on the floor in front of the makeshift stage.  The band was four instruments and three young female singers in slinky sequin dresses. Aurora wore nothing of the sort.  She was dressed in denim slacks, a decidedly male outfit really - meant to repel any would-be suitors. A button-down flannel shirt over a white tank top and no bra.  The latter choice was more practical than seductive. She had very little in that department so bras only enhanced the little she had and she didn’t want to enhance anything tonight. She just wanted to be around life, to dip her toe in and try to remember what it felt like or looked like at least.

Sliding into a corner booth she hid away from the other party goers and watched… accepting only seltzer water when offered something to drink. She’d stay for thirty minutes. Then, she’d leave. Start small. Next time, maybe she’s shoot for an hour. With any luck at all, she wouldn’t kill anyone and she’d go home feeling some sense of being human again.

She could at least hope.

He looked around at the dancers, and the music and he just couldn't understand how so many people could be so happy, and carefree. His whole world came crumbling around him when he lost Integra, and hope and happiness all felt like completely foreign concepts to him anymore. He was getting mildly annoyed at being propositioned by numerous young ladies, and even a few young men. 

"Piss off, take your happiness elsewhere" was his reply to those that approached him. 

He sat alone for a while, wondering what the hell he was doing with himself.  Why he was here, and when he was brought more whiskey, he was reminded.  Free booze and he could get wasted.  At least when he was smashed he could forget, at least for a moment.   He was on his third or 4th shot of whiskey, he was just beginning to feel the effects when he saw her walk in. 

He blinked, "Aurora?"  he whispered to himself wondering what she may have been doing there. 

He watched her take her seat, and sip on whatever drink she had. He scratched the back of his head and wondered if he should go up to her, would she even want company.  He shrugged to himself and decided to just walk up to her.  "If she wants to be alone, she'll tell me to piss off." He laughed at the idea of being told to piss off after he'd been telling people to piss off all night. 

He slowly walked up to Aurora's table, swirling the whiskey in his glass as he did.  He inhaled, taking a deep breath.  He looked at Aurora, and asked her, "Hey, is... uh, this seat taken?  I mean, would you like some company?"

Oh god, Alucard is fucking smashed.

She sighed.

"It's a free country the last time I checked..."  she patted the seat next to her.  "Besides, if you sit here next to me then maybe I won't have to put up with anymore stupid pick up lines.  You can pretend to be my friend and scare off the fucking slimey bastards and save someone's life tonight because I think I'm maybe five minutes from shooting the next bastard who send me a drink I can't fucking imbibe."

Just then the waitress walked up and smiled putting down a drink in front of Aurora.  "Um," she tossed her hair over her shoulder, "This is from the guy at the end of that long table."

A young man, maybe 19, with curly brown hair and striking green eyes waved at Aurora as she looked in his general direction.  

"He says to tell you that your denim looks really good."

Aurora sighs.  "Four minutes."

The waitress walks off, undaunted.  Aurora looks at Alucard.  "Maybe coming out tonight was a bit of a mistake.  I might be rushing things."

'Well at least she didn't tell me to piss off' he thought to himself as he slid in next to Aurora.  

"I can scare people off, but I will also help you kill some of the bastards that are annoying you." Alucard attempted to joke, though if he was being honest, he wasn't 100% joking. 

"Nah, you didn't make any kind of mistake coming out.  I will take care of this."  Alucard assured her.  As he looked down at the curly-haired young man, he lifted the drink that was brought and gave the young man a broad smile then winked.   The green-eyed young man went bright red out of frustration and embarrassment. 

Alucard looked at Aurora, "What brought you out here anyway?  I'm just here for free booze to try and help me forget.  I was getting annoyed at being propositioned by people tonight. I was considering leaving, but I'm glad I didn't."

"I told myself getting out of the house might be a good thing.  Figured I'd see if anything felt ... normal.  Which is probably about the stupidest thing I could ever have thought to happen.  I mean, when have I ever had any luck socializing anyway?  Did I think mourning Billy was somehow going to magically imbue me with some sort of charm and charisma that I had lacked before?"

she scoffed and sipped her soda, eyeing the alcohol longingly.

"I'd give almost anything to get so fucked face that I couldn't remember he's gone.  I envy you that, Alucard.  I think, the day after this baby is born I'm going to hand it to my mother and drink until I pass out." 

She slumped into the seat.

"I'm glad you didn't leave either.  That way we can leave together.  Safety in numbers.  Besides, it's not like I don't know where you're headed.  If you want you can ride back to Hollowood with me.  No need for cab fare when stone cold sober Aurora is here.  Taxi to the stars."  She lifted her glass to him.

"So... should I ask you the usual questions?  How are you holding up?  Are you okay?  Is there anything I can do for you?  Or should we skip the depressing litany of 'survivor' questions and move on to more exciting topics like... how the fuck will you will yourself out of bed tomorrow?  Me, I'm thinking I'll wait to get up until 11 or noon again so I can dodge breakfast.  I literally have not woke up before 11am since getting back home because ... and get this ... I can't bear to sit through a single breakfast without crying like a damn baby."

She shook her head again.

"Of all the stupid things... it's a fucking meal.  Three of them in a day and one I can't bring myself to eat.  I have so much as a morning cup of coffee and I'm waterfalls all over again.  Then I have to put up with my mother and... she has no idea that I'm crying so hard because of my damn hormones being out of wack.  That's what the doctor said today when I went in.  Said my grief might be worse because of the baby... how's that for a kick in the pants?  Not bad enough to mourn my love... I also have to have chemicals in my head that make me more emotional too.  If there is a God, I've decided he's a fucking prick, but hey at least we're on speaking terms now.  That should make Billy happy... assuming I wasn't right back when I told him there was no God."

She laughed.

"I'm sorry... I'm rambling.  You're the drunk one, you need to ramble more."  She waved over the waitress.  "This man is drinking for two.  Please bring him more of whatever the hell is in his glass and don't let it go dry."  

Aurora put down a $50 bill and smiled at Alucard.

"So... talk to me.  What the fuck happened to your face?  You look like you ate gravel.  You get into a bike wreck while I was away?"

He quietly sat and listened to his friend talk.  While she went on he did wonder what it was that did get him out of bed, at all, let alone in the mornings. He wasn't sure if there was any motivation other than it being a simple force of habit.  Alucard turned and gave Aurora a soft smile when heard her laugh, realizing she was his motivation with the promise he made to her.  

"You have every right to ramble Rora, and you can ramble to me all you want. Thank you for the drinks, when the baby is born I'll buy your drinks, and be the one to sit stone sober to drive you home."

He couldn't help but laugh at being told he looked like he ate gravel. 

"I do look like shit don't I?  Really makes me wonder what the fuck those folks were thinking trying to preposition me."

He stared into his glass and thought about his motorcycle accident. He swirled the golden liquid and watched it spin, heavily sighing.  He closed his eyes and at that moment all he could see was the face of his daughter.  He opened his eyes and shook his head. His heart hurt, and in the moment he couldn't even look at Aurora. 

"Yeah" He gasped, his throat choking on his words in the thought of why the accident happened. So he downed his whiskey,  "I did wreck my bike..."

"I'll buy you a new one."  She said flatly.  "I got more money than I know what to do with anyway, so what the fuck.  You can take me for a ride on it when you're feeling better... and sober of course."

She sighed.

"I used to ride with Giovanni Ferrari."  She slumped down in her seat as she realized and admitted, "All my friends were in Detroit, everyone but you."

She shrugged.

"I guess that makes you my new best friend."  She smirked at him.  "Lucky you."

She looked around the room, not looking at him as she said, "And I never said you looked like shit.  Just that you looked like you ate gravel.  There's some difference between the two."

She took a drink.

"I'm thinking I'm gonna get a new tattoo tomorrow.  You got plans?  I mean, I wouldn't mind the company.  Gets damn boring sitting there with no one to talk to all that time."

"I'd love to take you for a ride sometime.  There's little like being on an open road on the back of a motorcycle, pushing the machine to its limits." 

He sighed at the mention of Giovanni Ferrari.  "Joey was the closest thing I had to a brother,  and I lost everyone when Detroit fell.  So, I guess that means you're the last person alive that actually cares at all about me."

He gave a bit of a somber laugh. 

"So sure I'll take that title, I'm now your best friend."  He felt a little bit of his old self come back and gave her a half cocky grin, and repeated back to her, "So, lucky you."

The grin stayed on his face as heard he say that she didn't say he looked like shit, he slid a little closer to her and jokingly teased her, "Soooo, are you saying I look good?"  

He chuckled as he playfully winked at her.  He half expected to get hit, but he figured she should get used to what it's like to be friends with him, and he just continued to have a just the slightest smile on his face.   He realized, that even for a brief moment he was feeling, and feeling something that almost seemed positive.  Was it the alcohol? The Company?  Both?  

"Nah, I don't have any plans tomorrow. I'd be happy to go with you.  I've been thinking of making a change, changing something might help me move on, maybe? Hell I don't even know what it would be." Alucard leaned his head back against the booth as he spoke. "Maybe I'm just a fool for thinking that though. What difference can a change really make?"

Alucard was warm beside her, so close and she was tempted to lean into him and take comfort from him - but he was joking.  He was this way.  Always flirting and she knew how much pain he was in.  It would be wrong of her to even consider such a thing.  See, this was exactly what her father was worried about! 

Her mind was focused, but her flesh was weak and the days were endlessly long without arms to hold her as she fell asleep.  If she wasn't careful she might melt into a man like Alucard without seeing the pitfalls and hazards that lay ahead on such an obviously ill-conceived and ultimately doomed path.  Alucard was a sweet man, with a strange sense of humor - an acquired taste Integra had once called him, and she was a terrible person to have thought it was anything more than just him having a bit of fun.

"I don't think there is harm in changing.  Your whole world just changed.  Seems like it would make sense you'd change with it."   Aurora looked at him for a long moment and reached up to touch his hair.  

"You could cut this."  She said tangling her fingers in his soft wavy raven locks.  "It'll grow back if you hate the shortness of it.  But, it's a pretty big change physically."

Her amber eyes locked on his, "I could cut it for you, if you like.  I'm no barber but I'm handy with blades."

She had leaned in slightly to run her fingers through his long black hair, the simple act made him turn his head to face her. Their eyes locked and it made him wonder if she was wanting him to kiss her. The thought made his heart beat a little stronger, and air feel a little warmer. He threw caution to the wind yet again and leaned further into her, he was close enough to feel her breath against his lips as she told him, "I could cut it for you."

"I'd like that," he told her in a quiet, husky tone.

His lips lingered over hers, for a long moment. He was surprised to find himself enjoying the tension, until it was suddenly broken by the bubbly voice of a blue-eyed, brunette. "Heya handsome, bought you a drink."

The brunette's voice snapped Alucard out of the trance he was in. He jolted back, ASSHOLE. He thought to himself. What the hell were you thinking, you're grieving. SHE is grieving. What man takes advantage of that... apparently this asshole.

"Hey, good-looking, you coming with me?"

Alucard continued to ignore the woman standing at the table though he couldn't look at Aurora, the guilt made it difficult. "I'm sorry." He muttered.

The other woman smirked, "I figured you want to be with the best looking woman here."

Alucard snapped his head to the brown-haired woman, "I am already with the most beautiful woman in here..."

Aurora's head spun.  Her stomach twisted in knots.  He was going to kiss her now and she was torn between wanting to punch him and wanting to pull him to her.  She wanted human contact.  Needed it.  The ache in her ran into her bones and her blood, her soul screamed out to a man who was never coming home and at moments she almost wished to follow him into death.  The pain was excruciating and the man before her, a heartbeat from her lips, knew exactly how she felt.  

When the interruption came, Aurora refrained from pulling one of her pearl-handled guns to respond aggressively ... but only barely.  Then she felt an overwhelming sense of relief that the girl HAD stopped it from happening as immense guilt crashed down on her.  Billy wasn't dead a month and she nearly let another man kiss her.  What the fuck was wrong with her?!?  The father of her child wasn't cold in the earth yet and she was here, in a speakeasy looking to fucking get laid?  Aurora wanted to vomit.

"You know what..."  she said tentatively, sliding out from the booth seat.  "She isn't hard on the eyes and I should probably be going anyway."

Her voice came quickly from her lips, she avoided Alucard's eyes.  "I mean, I really have no business being in a speakeasy.  I was kinda stupid to have come out tonight and I... I just need to sleep.  I'll... I'll come find you tomorrow, Alucard, we can ... um..."  she struggled to put her jacket on, fumbling with it awkwardly.

"Go to that tattoo guy I mentioned.  I'm gonna go.  Please take a cab home."  with that she found herself fleeing.  That was the only word for it.  She was terrified of staying, of breaking down in front of him and of wanting him to comfort her more.  

Linval stood near the car but said nothing as she came out of the club with unshed tears in her eyes.  The man simply unbuttoned his jacket, watched that she wasn't being followed by someone meaning to hurt her, and then got inside.  The drive to Hollowpoint was silent.

Aurora went through the kitchen where William was fixing a late night snack.  The place was silent and so either her parents were in bed already or her mother was working late again and her father with her.  Whichever, she was glad not to have a third degree.  Will's eyes followed her up the stairs but he knew better than to push her right now and she was thankful for her brother's good read of people at that moment.  She didn't want to unleash her pain on him.  It wasn't his fault Billy was dead and that she was such a horrible person.

Aurora fell onto her bed and pulled Billy's shirt out from under her pillow.  It hadn't been washed.  He'd worn it in Sicily and it still smelled of him, though every day the scent faded just a little more.  Aurora pulled her knees to her chest and clutched the shirt to her face and breasts.  Closing her eyes she tried to fall asleep.   

"Say something."  She said to him.

"What should I say?" Billy answered, though the words were Aurora's - spoke aloud to herself.  She imagined him sitting on the edge of the bed, not looking at her and it cut her so deep she couldn't breathe.

For a long while she lay there like that, imagining Billy not saying a word.  Unsure what he'd say to her in this moment.  Unsure what she'd say to him because, if she was honest, this moment would NEVER have happened if he was still alive.  And he wasn't.  She wanted him to be alive, but he just wasn't. 

"How long will be long enough?"  He asked her in her own voice.

"I just don't know."  she said back.  She had no idea how long she needed to grieve before it felt okay, but she knew her father's advice on the plane wasn't bad advice.  Rushing into a relationship wasn't an answer.  She needed time for that and to be perfectly honest she didn't know if she's ever want to have another real relationship ever again.

She opened her eyes and looked out her window.  She could see the light had come on in the guest house.  That meant Alucard was home.  She drew a breath and exhaled.  

"What happened at the bar wasn't a betrayal,"  she admitted to herself, but it was Billy's voice she heard.  "The dead can't be betrayed, Roar."

She swallowed.

"Why should either of you suffer?"  She questioned herself softly as she watched his light wink out of existence.  For a long while she lay there before getting out of her bed and grabbing the comb and scissors off her vanity and, after slipping on her shoes, she went down the hall to Will's room and knocked.

"What?"  His voice came.

"I need something."  She said through the door.

Will was at the door in a flash.  "Anything."  He told his sister.

"The key to the guest house."

"The wha-"  Will shook his head.  "Why not knock?"

"In case he doesn't want to talk to me."

"Why wouldn't he want to talk to you?"  

"Cause I was an asshole... do you have a copy of mom's keys or not?"

Will sighed and nodded for his sister to enter his room.  Going to his desk he pulled out a box and inside must have had nearly a dozen keys!  Aurora blinked.  She knew he was sneaky but this was next level shit!

"Are you sure..."  Will asked.

"I am."  Aurora held out her hand and once her brother had put it into her palm she kissed his forehead.  "Don't tell Mom & Dad if you can manage it..."

"Rora..."

But Aurora was already walking away, not wanting to listen to him again about how sorry he was to have spilled her secrets.  She went downstairs quietly, sure she could hear her father in the den now, likely getting a nightcap.  Aurora went to the kitchen door and slipped out the back onto the stone path that cut through the high ferns and grass headed out towards the brook and the guest house.

Key into the lock she turned it can then whispered as she pushed the door open slowly, "Alucard... it's Aurora.  I was hoping we could talk?"

All he could do is watch as Aurora got ready to leave.  He wanted to try and stop her, but the remorse and shame he felt in his actions only grew exponentially when he saw his friend's reaction to what he did. It kept him from acting entirely, and all he could do was whisper her name after she was already out the door.  

The woman rolled her eyes finally reaching the end of her patience with Alucard. "Hey if you aren't going to come with me, can I at least have my drink back?"

She was reaching for the glass she had set on the table when Alucard grabbed the glass and stood up by her. "So you're saying if I don't go with you, I don't get this drink?"  He laughed.  "What kind of stupid ultimatum is that?  Do I really look like I can't afford my own liquor?" 

"Well, um... I just wanted my drink back if I didn't have your company is all..."  The woman, now unsure of herself, mumbled out.

"Well, I'm not going with you.  So, here's your drink back."  Alucard then proceeded to dump the drink over the woman's head.

The woman was petrified with embarrassment.  "YOU ASSHOLE!" she screamed.

"That's the general consensus about me for the evening.  Tell me, would you like to join the club of people who think I'm an asshole? I promise you, you will have a lot of company."  He made the sarcastic quip without a care in the world that brunette was half running away from his table crying.  

All he could focus his mind on was what he did, and nearly did, to Aurora.  Nothing was more sobering to him than seeing the pain, he caused, in a friend he cared about. Which, at the moment, she was the only friend he actually had.  He sat in the bar for a few moments, letting the guilt eat him alive. You asshole. You're supposed to be helping her through her grief, and taking care of her during the pregnancy... not trying to fucking kiss her... and where were you wanting that kiss to go?  You really are a monster of sorts.

He heavily sighed as he slid out of the booth.  The waitress that had been serving him drinks walked up, "Sir... you still have quite a tab."

"I'm sorry, don't know where my head is. How much do I owe you?"  Alucard said as he pulled out his wallet.

The waitress sort of giggled, "No sir, its in the positive. You still have plenty of drinks you can order."

"Oh..." Alucard thought for a moment, noticing the kid he embarrassed earlier was still there. "Give it to that green-eyed kid, with the curly brown hair. Tell him, I'm sorry I was an asshole."

"Wow, you're a pretty nice guy, mister. Most folks would want their money back."  The waitress smiled at Alucard.

Alucard sighed once again, as he let his amber eyes lock onto the waitresses eyes.  "I'm really not, but thank you for saying such."

He had the cab drop him a few blocks short of Hollowood, and he let himself walk the rest of the way.  He slipped into the guest house, hopefully unnoticed.  Walking through the smaller home by moonlight, it wasn't until he was out of the shower that he turned the lights on in the place.  Alucard barely had his pants slipped on when he heard a quiet voice "Alucard... it's Aurora.  I was hoping we could talk?"

He threw his shirt on, but didn't bother buttoning it.  His wet hair dampened the areas of the shirt it hit, causing the occasional chill to hit him. He walked out, and just looked at Aurora standing there in the guest house she clearly just snuck into.  

"Aurora.  Are you okay?"  His eyes may have shown with empathy, but he didn't hide the guilt in his voice.

Her breath caught.  What had she expected?  

Not this.

This was his home and she just broke in, for all intents and purposes.  She might have found him like this, or worse, hell maybe with a woman!  Should she be shocked he showered?  Should she blame him for not covering himself, or the beads of water rolling over the thin puckered white lines all across his chest?  

Even if he knew I was coming, which he didn't, I told him not to let me see them in front of Billy.  But, Billy's not here.  

Alucard was, in a word, beautiful.  At this moment, she had to admit, Billy did have some reason to be jealous.  Where Billy was large and strong and all the things that quickened her pulse, Alucard was all hard lines and edges.  He was not particularly strong in appearance, were it not for that road map of survival which blanketed his flesh.  She silently wondered how far the scars went.  His back?  His arms?  Below his belt...

Aurora swallowed.

Focus. 

She looked to the floor.  

"I'm sorry for how I acted,"  she said quietly.  "It's just... I've been terribly lonely."

The anguish could be heard in her voice but she pressed on and with each word, the next came easier than the last until she was talking so much she scarcely recognized her own voice.

"I guess it was... appealing to not be alone, especially since I know you must feel as I do.  Angry, so fucking angry," The words were said with a quiet snarl, "At God, at the world, fuck at our own damn people."

She looked up at Alucard, her amber eyes on fire with the words she'd not dared to give life, "They took him from me the same way they took Anthony, and I don't know that I can ever forgive them... not even my own damn mother and I want to.  I need to.  I love her.  I love my father... but..."  she looked at the floor.

"I'm struggling."  She croaked.  "Struggling to be the woman I chose to be and not the woman this could make me and I think for a moment I thought I might find it easier if you had kissed me.  If there was something soft and good left in this world... but then,"

She looked up to Alucard, the fires of her rage replaced with bone-deep guilt.  "Then I remember how few days it's been since I buried him and I wonder the sort of person that makes me.  I wonder what it says about what I shared with him.  And I wonder the sort of person who could even want to be kissed with such fucking fury and sadness all bundled up inside me."

She looked at him again.  She wanted to cross the distance between them, to feel the heat coming off his body and to have arms wrap about her.  She wanted to be looked at in that way Billy used to look at her, that desperate need which let her know that in all the world she alone had the power to give him relief.  But more than that, she wanted to feel sheltered and safe, free to be as raw and small as she felt right now.  A newly healing wound, her whole life was still sensitive to contact.  This had not yet become the hardened scar that would one day be left behind in the shape of Billy Mastrosimone upon her heart.  And Alucard touching it... touching her... was a terrifying prospect.  Almost as terrifying as the thought of spending another night alone in her bed crying into Billy's unwashed shirt.

"You should know... if you ever kiss me, I don't think I'll want to stop - but, it's not for you.  It's for me.  I'd be using you.  Selfish and stupid as it is, we don't really know each other, Alucard.  How could it ever be what it was with them?  How could we ever ..."

Her voice choked off as the tears came,  "I love Billy.  I love him still.  I'll love him until my last breath and you have to know that because whatever this was tonight - it's not that.  We'll be lying to ourselves if we say otherwise.  I don't think I'll ever have that with anyone again.  I don't want it.  I just... want the hurt to stop.  Sometimes... just sometimes... I want to forget how happy I was, so the pain can stop, just for a little."

She looked at the scissors and comb in her hand.  She thought about the scars within her now, the baby slowly growing within her womb.  She could hear Gavin's words about what it meant to be a Byrne and for the first time ever, she felt it.  She really and truly felt like his daughter and standing here facing all of the truths in her world at the moment, she wondered if being a Luciano wouldn't have been easier.  To have been the monster her father had been, capable of killing someone so close to you so easily.  To just... turn it off, her heart, when you had to.  It wasn't in her to do that.  She didn't think her mother had that in her either, though... sometimes, rarely, she wondered.  Perhaps she had turned it off to take part in the slaughter of Detroit? 

She blinked back tears, trying to change the topic, she cleared her throat,  "Anyway... I came to cut your hair.  If you still want it done?"

He stood and just listened to everything Aurora had to say to him.  He wanted to narrow the space between them.  Every word she spoke, every emotion that poured from her lips he understood in perfect clarity.  He looked at her, admiring the duality of what he was seeing before him.  Alucard knew she was a fierce woman, as strong and imposing as anyone else he knew, but she was here now... not weak, for what she was doing and saying took an immense amount of strength, but was meek the word he was looking for.  He wasn't sure, he just knew he was drawn to her. 

As her tears started, tears that his actions had caused, started flowing.  He grabbed a napkin off the table when he passed it.  He never said a word, he just attempted to try her tears as she talked.  She said all the things she felt she needed to say. With a gentle sleight of hand move, he switched her scissors and comb, with the napkin he had. 

He wrapped his arm around her, and lead her to the direction of the couch, motioning for her to sit.   As she did, he pulled up a coffee table and sat down across from her. For the first time, he spoke.  "I listened.  You listen.  Then, you can cut my pretty hair."  He gave her a half a smile.

He took a deep breath. 

Breathe Alucard.  Just talk, remember YOU are the one who needs to apologize here. 

"Aurora. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. If anyone has anything to apologize for it is me. I was, wrong, in doing like I did at the speak-easy.  I was drunk, you're beautiful, and my drunk mind put things together that weren't there.  I've sworn to help you through your grief, and take care of you during your pregnancy, and what the hell do I do?  I fucking lean in to kiss you.  The worst part of it all, I was enjoying the tension my drunk mind imagined was there.  I am, so, incredibly sorry." 

He swallowed hard.  His mind circled with all the things I thought he should say.  He wanted to tell her there was nothing wrong with wanting to feel something soft and good in this world.  That it was normal, especially when the world felt so harsh and cold.  He didn't, his mind just spun.

Breathe Alucard.

"My wanting to kiss you, that was solely for me.  I obviously wasn't thinking of you more than what your lips would feel like against mine, your body against mine.  So yeah, we'd be using each other... I just I don't ever want to feel like I'm taking advantage of you, or worse... you feeling like I've done so.  Yeah, it's true, we barely know each other.  You still love Billy, I still love Tegs.  But there is nothing wrong with wanting the pain, the hurt, and the loneliness  to go away."

How can you look at her, still thinking she's so beautiful, knowing what you've done to her?

"If we are being honest with one another. I don't expect you to love me, ever.  I'm not a man particularly, destined for love.  But whatever this was, is, or could be... I'm not Billy, I can never be Billy.  I won't ever try to replace him.  Just like you can never be Tegs.  Things between us can never be as they were with them. And that is okay.  In time, we will appreciate whatever new thing we've built between us.  Even if we really do simply become best friends.  That is okay.  This, is OUR journey."

He gave her a soft smile as he lifted his hand to gently caress her cheek, before placing the scissors and comb back in her hands.  "Ready to chop these gorgeous locks off?"

He chuckled as he shook his head just enough to make his long hair move.