Five Days Later

Five days had passed since the first night Alucard was admitted to the hospital. Each night she had curled in next to him on the bed to sleep, quite grateful that she was getting to savor these moments as sleeping with him in the bed was much more comfortable than sleeping on the couch or in the chair would have been. Not to mention there were a few nights when they stopped coming in during the middle of the night to take his blood pressure that the two were up to no good. There was one thing that could lower one's stress and blood pressure that she was all too happy to help him with. Only one time did they almost get caught by the nurse, but they didn't which she was grateful for as Tegs wasn't sure she'd have survived the embarrassment. 

Now though, the Doctor had just left after explaining that things were looking good, Alucard's brain swelling was all but gone and his blood pressure was in its normal range and he was looking much healthier. To the point, they were thinking of Discharging him the next day if everything fully cleared up. As promised, Integra knew it was time to help fill in the blanks of his memory. The very thought was enough to make her feel sit to her stomach as she was once again sitting in the chair. The past few days had been peaceful and wonderful and she was hating that it was about to break... or at least that's what her gut was telling her. She stayed happy and smiling for him though as she sat in the chair, the small black journal in her lap as she held his hand gently, her thumb rubbing gentle circles on his hand as she watched him quietly before speaking.

"As I promised... once he gave the all clear for you, I'd help you fill in the blanks of your mind. Are you sure you're ready?" She watched him quietly, she didn't have the worried look in her eyes as she had the first day. Though she knew how this might be taken... but simply stuck with her gut feeling. "It's a lot... I'll say that much... and I don't know how you'll take some of it.." She dropped her gaze as she simply waited for his reply before speaking.

She took a deep breath as she moved her hands to clasp her own together, with one of his hands between them. "You left for England before I found out I was Pregnant... during the time you were away... Philadelphia attacked Detroit... and I faked the deaths of my Don, Billy Mastrosimone and myself... with body doubles." She paused for a moment, not daring to look up at him as she shifted in the chair slightly. Taking another deep breath she continued. "For about two months... the world thought we were dead because we were hidden away... I swear to you Alucard... It killed me to be away from you and I cannot imagine the pain you went through... even after reading the letters you wrote... I can only get a glimpse of what you felt... Not even apologizing would make this better... but I'm so sorry... I fucked up big... and I regretted my choice many times... of going to grab Billy instead of going to England..." There was a quiver in her voice as she still refused to look up at him unless he tried to make her.

"While we were gone, you were taken in by Aurora Byrne's mother... Bella Byrne, The dragon of Philadelphia... she protected you up until her death... when her own city turned on her. From there... I don't know what happened. I assume you stuck close to Aurora as your letters mentioned making an Oath to her to be there to help her with her pregnancy and her loss of Billy that she was dealing with." She felt a shiver go through her spine as she quieted for a few minutes, not really knowing how he was taking all of this. If he had shown distress at any point in her speaking she would have stopped. Pulling her hands away she grabbed the small journal before placing it on the bed. "This has the letters you wrote to me when you thought I was dead... it explains some things... like why your hair is cut... or why the house is gone. We found out about the war that removed Bella two weeks after it happened... and we rushed back as fast as we could... for it happened that our enemies died before we could have gotten the power back in order to come back and destroy our enemies... but please know we wanted you both safe... it was stupid.. I was stupid... I'm so sorry..." Her voice drifted off into a whisper as she moved her hands to her own lap, feeling the guilt start to crush her under its weight again... a weight she thought she would never get rid of... for as long as she lived.

"If you hate me... I... I understand... and I'll leave if you want me to... as much as I want to stay... I know after this I probably have no right... I wish I could fix this... and make it up to you... I truly do.... but I would understand."

He stared at Integra for a long quiet moment after she got done speaking.  He was keeping his heart rate down, by taking long steady breaths.  His mind was attempting to process the things she was telling him. He didn't understand why he would have made an oath to Aurora Byrne, they didn't even know each other outside of one conversation they had at his hotel in Detroit, or why Bella would have taken him in.  If Philly attacked Detroit, why would she have taken in a right-hand man from her rival city?   He placed his hands to his face, exhaling through his palms. 

He quietly picked up the black journal.  The writing was no doubt his, but the words written in it seemed foreign like a stranger had made him write them down. As he read through the journal, flashes of feelings and images came into his brain.  Aurora cutting his hair, he and Aurora as more than just friends with one another.  It all confused him even more. 

What the fuck are these images I'm seeing?  Why the fuck was I with Billy's girl?  How the hell am I supposed to approach her, according to this book I was a jack ass... just say, "Oh hey Rora, I know I was an absolute asshole to you so forgive me cause I need a favor."   Yeah, that will work Alucard. 

He ran his fingers through his hair, the thing that bothered him the most was her keeping the body doubles a secret from him.  There was no reason for it...

Integra isn't that stupid for something this big to just not cross her mind to tell me about.  We could have made plans, laid out contingencies for if the body doubles needed to be put into place.  She knew about my body double, she always knew when he was in play.  I never wanted her to think for a moment that I was dead.  Did she really not trust me with the information, after everything we've been through?  After everything, I've done for her. 

"Why?"  Was the first thing he spoke after a long while. His voice cracked with the pain that was ripping through his heart and echoed in his eyes. 

"Why didn't you fucking tell me?!" His voice rose as painful anger was quickly replacing the sadness in his heart.  "Body doubles, these aren't something you just throw together in a fucking week Tegs!  It takes, time, A LOT of time and even more fucking luck to find someone who not only can pass for you in the looks department, but is also willing to risk their fucking life when they're on the job.  I know because, I FUCKING DID IT FOR MYSELF!"

As he exhaled he let out a deep guttural growl.  He was trying to keep his anger in check, but he was finding it near impossible.  The pain was overcoming his brain.

"You should have fucking told me!  I could have, I don't know HELPED YOU with the process.  You and Billy could have fucking come to England, the King would have kept you safe!  I and Aurora could have gone about at least KNOWING you weren't dead.  I FUCKING BURIED YOU TEGS.  You and our daughter.  CAN YOU EVEN BEGIN TO IMAGINE WHAT THAT WAS LIKE FOR ME?  To deal with alone at that, since according to this fucking book I didn't want to upset Aurora by telling her the fucking truth! And speaking of Aurora, Jesus the images of what when on with me and her, that shit would have never happened!   FUCKING HELL TEGS.  I thought you were smarter than this, I thought you trusted me.  Obviously, I was wrong."

And as the feelings of realizing she didn't trust him with that information hit him, the pain in his head started coming back. He swallowed hard, trying to fight the tears that were forming in his eyes.  The truth of him thinking she was dead, the words in his journal, the still large gaps in information of the last several months, and him not actually able to remember it at all, only images and feelings... it was all too much. 

"My head's starting to hurt again.  If you don't mind, I... I need time to sort through this.  Alone."

He sighed as he looked her in the eyes.

"Thank you though, for being honest with me about what you do know... and for handing over the book.  I just, need to be alone."

Integra was silent for a long time, she said nothing as Alucard yelled at her. She could feel his anger beating against her like a pack of wolves tearing apart their prey. She knew she deserved this because everything he said was right. She was smarter than this… she knew she would entrust her life to him without a second thought in a blink of an eye… even now when he was angry at her. Hearing the pain in his voice struck through her heart like a smoldering hot knife. This was what she had feared… what she was worried about and why she had wanted to wait until he was feeling better. 

Her gaze stayed downward as she simply kept her eyes on her hands that she folded in her lap, clamped tightly to the point her nails were digging into her skin, the only reminder that she wasn’t living a nightmare. It killed her to have even done this to him and she felt the regret and weight of her consequences slam down onto her shoulders. Oh, how she seemed to be failing at being a Hellsing… maybe she was the true monster of Hellsing… and not Alucard. For Alucard had proven time and time again he would have never broken her trust like this.

When things grew quiet again, she shifted in her seat slightly, feeling pain with each beat of her heart as the realization came to fruition that she had most likely just lost the only person she truly loved. The cold electricity striking out through her body as she heard him say that he needed time to sort through this, alone.

She stood up, finally bringing her gaze up to his, the regret in her eyes and the look of a person who knew they had truly fucked up something good in her eyes despite her best efforts to hide it. Seeing the pain in his eyes only sent another sharp pain through her own heart as she quickly dropped her gaze, her hand raising slightly as if having wanted to reach out to him before she stopped herself and let it fall back to her side. 
“I’m… Sorry… I truly am… Alucard…” She didn’t dare call him Alu despite as much as she wanted to… he had asked for space and she would give him just that. She left the keys to the car on the bed so he would have something to get himself home.

Just as she made it to the door, she paused again as she opened the door. “I’ll be at my brother’s apartment if you want to speak to me…” Her voice was quiet as she slipped out the door, feeling like she was a broken damn holding some things back. She was silent as she walked through the hallways towards the exit, passing Alice on her way as the nurse paused to say something to her, only to notice the look on her face as she simply said nothing at all.

Alice walked into Alucard’s room after knocking, having the last round of medicine for him, poking her head in she noticed the look on his face as well and furrowed her eyebrows slightly. She didn’t ask what had happened, set the tray down before looking at him. “If you need to about anything… I’m here to listen. Just let me know.” She spoke in a soft, kind voice as she simply waited for him to take the medicine before turning to leave the room. She would only stop and turn back to him if he said anything to her.

Since Integra had given Alucard the keys to the car, she walked the entire way to her brother’s apartment, not really worried about how far it was. Pulling out one of her Cigars, she lit it up and started to smoke it as she walked. Her free hand rested on her stomach for a moment as she walked down one of the more deserted streets on her way to the apartment, glancing down as she spoke softly. "You don't hate me... do you kid... for hurting your dad... I regret every moment of it... I don't think he'll forgive me for this one... but for your sake... I hope I don't lose him completely." She sighed heavily as she rubbed her stomach for a moment before letting her hand drop, raising her head to take a deep intake of the smoke from the cigar before slowly exhaling out the smoke.