Issue Seven.

I know what you are thinking. WHY THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH BACK!?! I THOUGHT WE GOT RID OF HER?!!?! Ahh, I can just hear the huff and puffs, smacking of teeth and the eyes rolling. Muaha. Yes, I am back. The people need the news. Or magazine, or whatever your opinion of this paper is. I took a looooong break thinking I will come back to something new. But no, you all are still as stupid as you were when I left you. Let this paper begin!

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BIG ASS WAR!

As most of you know, there was a big war that recently affected most of the country. Detroit vs New Orleans! DUN! DUN! DUN! So what exactly happened? Here is some information that I was given on it, so if it is incorrect, don't blame me. Well actually, you can blame me. I dont give a fuck. I was told:

There was 1 takedown commited by Ragnarok of Detroit. He heard word on the streets that Captain Stubbing was going to take down Detroit. So Ragnarok asked TheDean to help him out by sending him some hitters to help him take out New Orleans. OoOoOoO Juicy! The war wiped out damn near all of New Orleans, except the Guiscard Enterprise led by Ancalagon. Now, the word around town is that Ancalagon promised to give sexual favors to everyone in Detroit if they spared him and his family's life...But no one can prove it.

Now, not long after the takedown of New Orleans by Detroit, Chicago FLIPPED A TIT! Why did they flip a tit Priscilla? Oh, thanks for asking. They flipped a tit because Detroit took down a Chicago auth that was sent over to New Orleans without having a sit down with them first. Long story short, Chicago went to war with Detroit and wiped them out. 

I know I just through alot of information at you all, and if you need to smoke some weed and then re-read it to understand it, feel free. (FYI: This paper is so much better to read if you are under the influence of something). Ha, just saying.

Well, thats all for the Big Ass War.

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Priscilla Fund.

Now if you were an old fan (or hater) of the Priscilla Press, you know about the Priscilla Fund. This is money donated to me for my Cocane addiction. Cocaine = Good Paper. Now I have spent all my previous donations on Cocaine when I was on my leave. So now I am back at 0. So if you are a fan of this hot mess of a paper, and want to contribute some way, some how....feel free to send me your money. Cocaine makes me smile. You like to see me smile, don't you?

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Who Wants Some Exposure?

Hey you....yes you. If you have a business that has just not been doing so hot, and you want to know what you could possibly do to bring some more customers in, I have the perfect solution for you. ADVERTISEMENT! If you have a business you would like me to advertise in my next issue, just drop me a note Here, and I will be more than happy to put it in my next issue. Now here are some F.A.Q about me advertising your business in my paper:

1. Does it cost any money? -- No, it does not.
2. Is there a catch? -- What the fuck do you mean is there a catch? *Sighs* No there is not a catch.
3. Will I even get more customers? -- Hey, I will hold my end of the bargain up, Promoting it. If you have a shitty business, no matter how much I promote it, no one will come.
4. Will you promote a shitty business? -- Why not? You're just embarassing yourself. I get a good laugh out of it. So Ofcourse I will!

So, send the businesses my way! :)

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Interview!

Oh, I love interviewing people. It's just so much fun. This week I got to sit down with St. Louis Don and Crew Leader, Killer_Jane! What? 2 hot chicks together in 1 room? Oh, you know this is going to be interesting. Check it out:

P: Thank you for sitting down for this interview with me, How are you?

K: I'm doing quite well, just wandering around the old STL, checking up on things.

P: Now that I got that out of the way I wanted to ask you about some rumors that were floating around, is that ok?

K: Sure, I love hearing rumors about myself.

P: Great, Is it true that you were once a prostitiute?

K: Hahaha oh no hun, you see, I never got paid to do any of that. That was just for fun. *Winks*

P: Oh, I like this girl. A fellow whore. It's nice to see I am not alone. Now, Is it true that you have an EXTREMELY hairy ass?

K: Well I'm not sure where this one came from...maybe someone who is pissed I won't call them back. But no, it is not true. As a few people could attest.

P: I'll make sure to check that out for myself later on. *Puts on Bucket List: See if Jane has a hairy ass* Ok, Are you dating anyone right now?

K: Hehe yes, quite a few people actually. *Laughs*

P: That's right. Keeping it pimpin'. I love it. What's your favorite part about being a Crew Leader?

K: Seeing my name in bold and getting to work with the best people ever! All of the other crew leaders have been very respectful of my position. I am very happy that 4 long years of work have finally paid off, and I mean that literally too, I love making all this money! Haha.

P: Ok girl, calm down. You're cheeks are about to explode all this damn laughing your doing. Now, on to my favorite topic. DRUGS! What's your favorite drug to take?

K: Hmmmm...well if we are considering alcohol a drug, I'm sure many people have run into me staggering around before. I just love me a good Long Island Iced Tea!

P: Boo! I thought you were going to say somehting juicier. Hang out with me one day, I will have you doing a whole lot more than drinking alcohol. The readers want to know....will you give me a lapdance?

K: Of course, of course! I can't promise it would stop there though, just so you know what you're in for. *Winks*

P: Oh, Jane. I didn't know you felt so strongly about me. Ha, I love my job. Our tape will be coming to stores soon...make sure you keep a watch out for that one. Ha! Now, while I go fill my pool with jello do you have any last words or comments for the readers?

K: Just that I love being here, being a crew leader, and finally getting to do an interview! It's all very exciting and worth all the crazy work! *Smiles*

Haha. That was a very fun interview. That girl is just about as crazy as me. Thanks for the interview girlie! I will definately be seeing you again. Haha.

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Time To Fess Up!

So, I was walking the streets the other day when I heard a man by the name of Pablo rambling on about his Prostitutes on this corner. If anyone knows me, they know that I am obsessed with prostitutes. So I did what any girl would do, I stopped and listened. Apparently, someone has been beating up his prostitutes and he is upset about it. Now, no biggie....until I recognized one of the girls who were his prostitute. My mind began to think back a couple of days ago when I was coming back from rehab and I saw some young sluts. "Oh shit" is what I said to myself. I'm the one who beat that bitch, not a small gang of hoodlums that he blamed it on. "What am I gonna do?" Is what I said to myself. This Pablo character seemed really pissed off about his hoes. So I did what anyone would do in that situation....some Cocaine.

Cocaine helps me think clearly on what exactly I was going to do. So Dear Pablo, I confess! It was me who beat your prostitute. She looked at me the wrong way, and I FLIPPED A TIT! (That's my new favorite phrase by the way, "flipped a tit", it's just so funny to me). So...I am here to give you one of my prostitues in exchange. It was just sitting so heavy on my heart, I had to confess. Now if you don't want to take my prostitute, I have a mexican midget in my trunk if that's better for you.

Ohh Priscilla....always getting into some shit.

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Relaxation.

Relaxation is something we all need every now and then. Now, my favorite way to relax is being on the beach, being fed grapes, someone rubbing my bunions, and a nice band playing my favorite song....Dog farts. You all know that song right? It goes a little something like this:

Ooo, my dog, (my dog), Acts like a hog (A hog), I take him for a jog (A jog), He like to pee on a log (A log) and then he, oooooo, he farts.

Such a beautiful song. Now, I imagine that the way you all like to relax isn't as....obnoxious as the way I do. So, out of these choices, which would you rather do for relaxation?

• Go scuba diving with sharks while you are bleeding
• Sleep in a dumpster naked
• Watching Priscilla and Killer_Jane's "Tape" (Lolz)
• Vomit

I think all of those are pretty legit answers that most of you were thinking about doing anyway. CAST YOUR VOTE HERE! And next issue I will reveal what most of you mobsters like to do to "relax". P.S - I recorded that little song, if you would like a copy...mail me for more information.

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The End.

Well, thats a wrap on another stupid, but fairly entertaining edition of Priscilla Press. Big thanks to AriGold for helping me out with the war and all that shit. Make sure you leave feedback, tellme whatcha think. Should I go back to rehab or should I continue this paper? Also, donate to the Priscilla Fund and send me your business if you have one that you would like me to advertise in next weeks issue. Also, vote for your favorite thing to do when you want to "relax". YES, PRISCILLA IS BACK IN ACTION BITCHESSSSS!!!!!

Adios. :)

Leaves a bag of coke on the table

Its a good paper. Serves its purpose to entertain. Even for wizards like me.

sigh, this is just has horrible as my fathers journals had said they would be. Dont quite ya day job missy!

Priscilla, Priscilla, Priscilla. You are indeed one crazy ass broad. I knew it was you hittin' in my girls, I just wanted rid of those punks, who did at least kidnap one of them, hmmm, I wonder what ever happened to her? I really should have gone back to find her...oh well. Anyways, if I had of come after you, one of two things would have happened, both bad. First, I would have probably gotten my ass kicked and/or wacked, bad. Or I would have deprived the world of a tape containing footage of you and Killer_Jane going at it, which would be, I think everyone would agree, a most heinous and unforgivable crime. I need to see that tape by the way, like now!

With that said, I thank you for owning up and for producing such a fine and entertaining paper. I will have my accountant wire you a donation, for your efforts. I look forward to you next issue.

Haha. Fritz, who was your father, if you don't mind me asking?

Haha. Fritz, who was your father, if you don't mind me asking?

Probably the previous owner of the printing press you drove into bankruptcy.

Anyway, always a pleasure to see you back. Keep up the good work.

I very much enjoyed your paper. Its nice to see a good paper being written in the streets after such a long period without the paper business out here in the streets. I hope that you continue to produce papers because I love a good read in the streets and this is definitely one of them.

heh, I'm glad your back.

Ive never owned nor worked for any newspaper. And my family line is my own buisness.

Glad your rag mag is back on the streets, even if we must wait another few months before you grace us with your journalistic stylings again. Dont pay attention to the whinning son of WhistlinBoxCarWillie. He cant control his emotions.

Im not willies anything, please try again.

I miss the tribune...

THe tribune, now that was a paper.

If only they didn't need to make a huge paper, I would of sufficed with a tasteful paper of theirs the same length as this.

Well a much better read than that old Barble crap...

Priscilla, because of you, I had to go to rehab for a month to fix my back from what that asshole Carl did to me. I hope you pay for my sessions.

Massive difference between the tribune and this paper. But lets be honest, they all fail in comparassion to the Gwarble Barble

Sits down on a table, hung hanged low. Looking to see a paper on it with 3 days passed on it. Thinking "Why the hell there a paper 3 days ago on the table?" But, decides to read it. After finish reading. He gets a piece of paper or make that a napkin. And wrote with a pencil. "Not bad at all..."

I was never around for the tribune but I like this paper and would like to be a writer.