Dick steps out of his barbershop wearing an elf suit and holding a bottle of whiskey

"Ho Ho Ho my minions!"

"Hey that's Santa Clause you fucking moron, your dressed as an elf," someone yelled from the crowd.

"Your absolutely right Sir. My deepest apologies. I didn't mean to make your mother scream that loud last night causing you to lose out on some sleep eventually resulting to your rude fucking comment. It's the holidays asshole."

Dick takes a swig of his Whiskey

"Now where was I before needle dick over there felt it was necessary to grace us with his pathetic excuse of a presence?"

Dick leans over and pulls out a joint that was neatly tucked in his pointy elf shoe. The crowd looked at him oddly

"Stealthy ladies and gents... Very stealthy."

Dick then lights his joint and begins to speak

"Yes it is that time of year again. Kids nestled tightly in bed late this evening with visions of sugar plums and the time Clipper made love to a Llama on the corner of Sixth and Broadway dance through their heads. Hoping that maybe tonight is the night they finally get what they have always wanted."

"Now as long as we don't have an incident like last years Christmas when Whatsername got caught offering the fake Santa at town square much more then cookies, then things should go rather smooth. I come to you all today to share something I found laying the in streets."

Crowd gets curious as to what it could be. Dick was very unpredictable like that, at any moment Dick could spring up by surprise with the unimaginable

"Last night after I left AnitaMandalay's house to bid her farewell, god rest her soul, I came across a notebook sitting next to a manhole. Normally I would just pass by random articles laying in the street, but for some reason this one caught my eye. So I picked it up and read it on the way home. The information I found is exciting.. Please let me share."

Dick holds up the notebook for display and reads aloud the content

Santa's Naughty List

* SammyGarcini - Seen slipping a date rape drug into Killer_Jane's mixed drink at the local hot spot. However, he didn't see Killer_Jane switch drinks then leading to a night of BDSM and ranch dressing.

* Killer_Jane - See above

* TheDean - After a few drinks one night, Dean was spotted placing flaming bags of dung on the door steps of HQ's throughout the 7 cities.

* Felix_The_Cat - One night, just after eating a bag of shrooms, Felix was spotted downtown fidgeting and moaning. When approached by Cherokee and asked what the issue at hand was, Felix simply crawled into fetal position, began rocking back and forth repeating, "I am what I eat, I am what I eat, Please for the love of god tell them all, I am what I eat."

* -Premier - Caught cross dressing in Chicago's newest clothing outlet. When confronted by the local leadership as a concern of possible negative influence upon the community, -Premier simply explained himself. "Look guys I don't have to tell you my sexuality, I mean really, would someone who enjoyed womens clothing really talk about penis as often as me?"

* OJ - Do I have to really say more?

* PennyWise - Caught giving candy away in exchange for favors at the local carnival.

* Erick - Caught receiving candy in return for favors at the local carnival.

* Callum - Dropped Acid, went to the New York zoo and was found three days later in the Ostrich exhibit with shaved legs and wearing a tutu with his head buried in the dirt.

* Flux_Pavilion - Being Dick's favorite hand. Being Dick is right handed, you can imagine the things he must do for Dick.

* Noodle - Placing himself in places he don't belong. Like every great Noodle is made to do.

* Priscilla - Caught bribing DavyJones for an exclusive for the press. What she bribed him with exactly we still don't know, all we know is, "That's how you swap a deck," was heard from his chambers shortly after. Then later a note was found with the penmanship of a lady stating, "Thank you for all your help. Can't wait to have you for our 1 on 1 later this week. You really know how to make a women walk that plank."

* Teobaldo - Sleeping with SyrupWaffle. Granted, normally that wouldn't make the naughty list, but you haven't seen the mess Syrup makes.

* Barnie - Caught in the process of making BAM-BAM. Those acts are currently banned in 12 countries.

* Roman - With his infatuation over the Greek mythology, Roman was spotted donning a Shield and spear at a local fish market. When asked if he'd ever consider wearing underwear underneath his battle skirt Roman, in his attempt to be sarcastic, simply replied, "Does a Rooster lay eggs?"

* cola_man - Robbing the local coke distribution warehouse and not sharing with others. Rude son of a bitch.

* RichardWad - For being a fucking DICK!

"Ho, Ho, Ho Indeed my friends! Which brings me to a joke!"

Dick smiles and hits his joint

"After we have all heard about how much TonyCorelli loves his women, what would him and Santa Clause have in common?"

Silence grows amongst the crowd

"Santa stops after three hoes."

Laughter is heard in the street

"In all seriousness, this is a time for one another to actually celebrate something as a whole. It's a time that even the hardest of mobsters can actually have a butterfly or two floating around those bottomless pits they consider stomachs."

"So with all the secrets revealed, I would like Wish you all a happy holiday and a Merry Christmas on behalf of the Cocky Type!"

Sammy steps up and clear his throat, an attorney can be seen standing behind him holding a briefcase in one hand, and a clipboard in the other, slowly, the attorney begins to walk forward and begins to speak to the crowd

"I would like to make it known that my client, SammyGarcini, denies any accusations of having possession of Rohypnol, or as it is better known, the date rape drug, he also denies any accusations of administering the drug to any unwilling persons."

All the while the attorney is speaking Sammy can be seen nodding along with what he is saying. When the attorney has finished Sammy steps forward

"And that sorts that out! Santa best be taking me off that naughty list and putting me on his nice list!"

A cloud of smoke fills the area, a hint of marijuana can be smelt, and once the smoke clear, SammyGarcini and the attorney are nowhere to be seen

Priscilla is out walking her ugly dog around town (Seriously, the dog is fucking hideous) while she sees Richard talking. She decides to stop and listen, this dick always has something entertaining to say. She sees that Richard has discovered Santa's Naughty List. Oooo GREAT! Maybe this year Santa took me off the Naughty list because of that "thing" I did for him on Thanksgiving, she says out loud.

Eager and excited, Priscilla looks at the list, laughing at all the stupid people who made the list and she comes to her name. WHAT?!?!?! Wait...honestly, I am not surprised. That asshole has had it out for me every since I was 2 years old and "accidentally on purpose" shot his reindeer. Sheesh! You'd think after I did some things for the man that Mrs. Claus refuses to do, he'd forgive me. But whatever...he's fat anyway. Priscilla continues to read why THIS YEAR she made it on the list. Aww damn! Now everyone knows how I get my information for my obnoxious paper. It better not have been Davy who told Santa because I have some pretty juicy stuff on him!

FUCK YOU SANTA! I have been on the Naughty List every since I was 2 years old. Now excuse me while I go do some Cocaine and try to think of a clever way to let Mrs. Claus know about my affair with her husband! I HAVE PICTURES!!!! I will get the last laugh!

And yes...I am one of the ho's that Santa is talking about when he says "Ho, Ho, Ho". Priscilla shrugs and continues to walk her ugly dog.

You know Santa loves your Priscila

Stranger looks over at RichardWad.

Did I at least make the nice list? 

I think that note book belonged to the late and great fat derek. he had dementia towards the end and thought he was many things. santa and on occasion, the easterbunny was a few of them.

Tony opens his presents.. smiling at some, throwing some others into his fireplace

You know, it seems like my family is filled with hooligans! OJ is guilty, priscilla is a drug addict and then we got RichardWad who I cant even explain his actions anymore as he is on his own

Tony smiles and throws some more stuff into his fireplace

At the end of the day.. a bunch of great people I know and im blessed.

Oh my!

Santa... Have I been a good boy this year?

DavyJones strolls through the streets as he watches Don Dicky putting on his bad Santa performance. Trying to pick up hot bomb shells, coke addicts and yes getting his joys of young kids in his lap.

Ho! Ho! and Hoe! I see you DIcky...

Davy hands the santa a fat cigar and a bottle of rum from his finest collection...no doubt paid for by Cortez's gold.

Now you have done it, you have spilled the beans on my last meeting with the coke head. Cough! Cough! Did I mention she was a pro at walking the plank???

Corks open another bottle of Rum and raises a toast to the bad santa!

A Merry Christmas to you Don Dick, and all the rest of the community in presence...especially my plank walkers.

Davy kicks back with the bad santa and continues the debauchery started by Don Dick