Issue Eight.

No need to worry. Priscilla Press is still here. I know last time I lied, saying that I was "officially" back, and then I left for 2 months. But...shit happens. Literally. I am back fo'real this time. *Waits for applause -- No one appluses* Oh really? I see how it is. So, I hope everyone got laid for Christmas. Some of you really need to loosen up. Literally and figuratively. Is it just me, or are a lot of you mobsters really stuck up?! It's like, seriously....chill out. Anywho, I will tell you all about my shitty christmas later on in the issue. (Yes, I got laid. And yes, it was still shitty). Let the paper begin!

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You're Starting To Look The Same.

I was walking around the streets the other day, when I noticed something rather disturbing......(Insert Dramatic Music Here)

I saw.....

People looking the exact same! *GASP* You know the face that I'm talking about. That real boring one....the one that looks like This or This. Everytime I see someone with that face I want to stab myself in the eye! Can we have some sort of effort people? We have so many suit makers, hair salons, and barber shops out there who will be happy to make you look less dull. Does it describe your personality? Do you think it looks cute?! Well let me let you in on a little secret, it doesn't. It's hideous! No disrespect to the Gods who made you look that way, but c'mon! So I am asking....no begging you bitches to get a new fucking face! Mmkkay, that is all.

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Act Like A Lady!

Ha. So the other day when I was checking my mail, I saw a letter from a person who will remain unknown. This person said: "Priscilla, your behavior is very un-lady like. You should stop using so muich profanity and get your act together. Your support of Cocaine is also disgusting. Act like a lady and not a whore."

Hmp....well you told me Mr. "Person who will remain unknown". Here is what I have to say to you. *Clears throat* FUCK YOUR OPINION! I know I curse a lot, do a lot of cocaine, and on the weekends secretly a prostitute (Well, I guess not so secret anymore), but that is what makes Priscilla...Priscilla. That's what keeps the readers coming back for more. The fact that I have the balls to say some of the shit that they wish they could say. I also disagree with the fact that you think my behavior is un-lady like. I think it's lady like. Just a different type of lady. I am not the type of girl to sit on the sideline, nod my head to whatever anyone says and keeps all my thoughts to myself. I may not be traditional, I would consider myself.....a bad bitch.

What's a "bad bitch" Priscilla? -- Let's take a look in the Priscilla Dictionary.

Bad Bitch [Noun] - A female who knows what she wants and knows exactly how to get it. A boss. A woman who is unapologetic for her actions. Very loud and outgoing. Very interesting, uncensored and you never know what she is going to say or do next.

Now, that's....A BAD BITCH! So, if you don't like the way I act....oh fucking well. I'm a Bad Bitch. This is me, and I have made a pretty damn good living off of it. Mmkaythxnbye! :)

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Priscilla Fund.

Speaking of how I make a pretty damn good living off of being myself, some of my amazing readers/supporters love me so much that they donate to the Priscilla Fund. (Which pays for my Cocaine addiction) Here is how much I have been donated since last issue:

$320,000

Awww, how sweet of you guys. Keep on donating and I will keep on entertaining!

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"Relaxation"?

So last issue I put up a little Poll asking the readers what they like to do when they want to "Relax". I must say, I am a bit disturbed. The choices were:

1. Go scuba diving with sharks while bleeding
2. Sleep in a dumpster naked
3. Watch Priscilla and Killer_Jane's "Tape" (Lolz)
4. Vomit

And 100% of you said you wanted to see me and Janes "tape"! Disgusting. You all should be ashamed of yourselves. But, I have to give the readers what they want. Well, I can only show you a picture of it, because Jane made me promise not to release the whole tape. So here is a picture: Here is what you all have been waiting for. Click here to see a picture from our "Tape". Yum! :)

Ha, you guys are weird.

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PSA

Lately the street have been rather empty. The only things you see is this stupid newspaper, RichardWad blabbing about his dick, and people telling stories. So, if this issue of Priscilla Press is not filled with Current Events about whats going on around Mafia Land....don't bitch at me because nothing exciting or juicy has happened! Mmkayythnxbye.

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My Crappy Christmas.

:(

So...for the 20th consecutive year, I made Santa's Naughty List. This year, I thought it would be different, I just knew this year I was going to be different. I was determined to make it on the nice list! So on Thanksgiving I took a little trip to the North Pole to visit Santa. His wife was out on business. He was actually very excited to see me! He was very suave and a gentleman. I was like, ok great! Maybe he like me now.

5 minutes later.

Santa made me....well....do him.It was horrible! After we "did it", I felt bad because I thought of Mrs. Claus. I mean, this is not the first time I have slept with a married man, but it was the first time I knew who the wife was. So anywho, I was like ok Santa, since we just did "it",  that means that I am going to be on the Nice List this year right? Santa just smiled. Now, I don't know if he was smiling at what I said or what I just put on him, but he smiled. I took that as a yes. So I was SOOOO EXCITED!

Fast Forward to Christmas Morning.

I come downstairs wearing my onesies, excited that I was going to get a good present this year. And I saw.....A LUMP OF COAL! WHAT THE FUCK!? I was pissed. That old bastard made me do the Jack Rabbit Reverse Twist in chocolate for him, and all I got was a fucking lump of coal?!? I had to get my revenge. I just had to! So little did Santa know, I took some pictures of us doing the grown up and planned on showing them to Mrs. Claus. So, I made my ugly dog carry me on his back to the North Pole to meet Mrs. Claus. When I got there, I had to wait in this room for about 30 minutes before I could see her. I'm thinking to myself, who does this bitch think she is? Making me wait to so long.

Just as my attitude was getting worse for having to wait so long, A midget, I mean elf came to get me so I could meet with Mrs. Claus.

I walk in her office, so happy that I was finally going to get this bastard for not putting me on the Nice List. I threw the pictures on Mrs. Claus desk and said "BAM BITCH! Look at what your husband did with me a while back!" She picked up the pictures, looked at them and laughed. She then said: "You're just another one of his ho's, get out of my office". I was shocked. She wasn't mad or anything! She sat there behind her desk, smiling with her hideous teeth and horrible hair due. I said "What do you mean, I'm just another one of his ho's?". She said "Every year, Santa picks 3 naughty girls to have sex with to get him in the mood for Christmas. And you, young lady....are the 3rd ho. I'm too old to do any of those things that I use to be able to do, So I give him permission to do so." I was completly in shock! These people are crazy!

So I picked up those pictures and walked out of her office, embarrassed.

As I am leaving the North Pole all the elfs are screaming out "HO, HO, HO" at me. It was so embarrassing! So, yepp, that was my Christmas...being one of Santa's Ho's. :(

Oh Priscilla, always getting into some shit....

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Interview.

What comes to your mind when you think of Priscilla and Richard Wad? Well, both are crazy and outspoken. Let's see what happens when a whore interviews a dick. Check it out:

P: Hey Richard, How's it going?

R: Oh it's going, busy being the holidays and all. Besides that I'm doing grate thank you.

P: When your parents named you, did they purposely name you Richard Wad, so that your nick name could be Dick Wad?

R: I have always wondered that myself. Although, whatever the case was, I wouldn't be who I am today if it was any differently.

P: Ok, so what is your obsession with dick? Are you a homosexual?

R: *Dick Laughs* No not by any means. I guess you could just say that growing up hearing it on a daily basis kinda caused it to be a natural habit.

P: I don't care what you say, I still think you're gay. So, I think it's safe to say that you and I are the loudest, craziest, most innapropiate and obnoxious people in the mafia today, do you agree?

R: Well I wouldn't say inappropriate and obnoxious, but we definitely make our voices heard!

P: Well, I would say that we are. A while back you had some backlash for talking so fucking much in the streets, how did that make you feel to be called out like that? Did you cry like a little bitch?

R: Of course I wept, Dick leaked fluids all evening. But then I woke up and realized, why? So it made me want to be even more publicly active and so the Dick was let loose.

P: I'm pretty sure something else of yours is loose. (Ouch) Anywho, Do you ever think that you could settle down and get married?

R: Haven't really thought about that one, kinda makes it hard when so many women like Dick you know?

P: *Rolls Eyes* If you were not in the mob, what would your dream job be?

R: Waste Management

P: Well, obviously. You already smell like shit....you mine as well be in a profession where it is accepted. *Sprays some perfume on Richard, but then realizes he is doing something innapropiate* OMG! Get your hands out of your pants. You filthy bastard. This interview is not that fucking long, get it together. You can wait to do that later.

R: Sorry, Dick was curious. Don't act like your not curious about the Dick.

P: Honestly, I think you are the only one that is interested in the "dick". Well thank you so much for stopping by and having a chat with me. But before you go, I got you a little present. *Grabs a bag with a dildo in it and gives it to Richard* I know that you love them so much, I bought you a second one.

R: *Dick Smiles* Well thank you!

P: You are very welcome. Any last comments for the readers?

R: Well, I could go on, being you know how Dick likes to spit useless ramblings from ---

P: *Priscilla interrupts* Ok, shut up. We don't really care. Goodbye.

Ha, Thanks Richard for the Interview. Hope that present came in handy for ya!

(PS: If you have someone that you want to see Priscilla interview, mail her or leave a comment with that persons name, and who knows, it may just happen.)

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That's A Wrap!

Another classy edition of Priscilla Press is done! *Crowd Applauses* You know what to do. Give me feedback, donate, blah blah blah! Oh, and next issue I have a BIG SURPRISE in store for you idiots. Stay tuned for that. So untill next time...

Seee yaaa!!!!! :)

grabs the paper then reads it every single words in it

15 minutes later

Fucking Santa!! I know there's something wrong with a fat dude wandering around in a red suit!

calm himself down

Nice read as usual, I love this Pricilla Press

folds the paper and carry it to his HQ to show his family

You never fail to impress. You speak your mind and don't give a crap what people say. That is what makes your paper great.

Theres not much to say other then once again I enjoyed your paper! Dam good!

After reading this latest issue I am deeply shocked by the revelations of what goes on in what was widely though of as a fairy-tale land of the North Pole...

Now though I fear for the poor fairy and her 'tail' with that monster Santa Claus and his insatiable appetite for non marital entertainment with anything in his reach, and even beyond his reach given the author's own thousand mile trip in order to be festively whored by him. I daren't think of what sordid revelations might come out in future years regarding the vile suffering of his midgets, elves.

Also did anyone else find there was a slight crossover with regard your 'Relaxation' feature notably points 3 and 4.

Turns the video player off and dabs a napkin to his mouth whilst looking queasy


Great issue though Priscilla, some more funds for your cocaine addiction are on the way.

*reads paper whilst on paper, has a good laugh*

"wow, she really is crasy this one"

*finishes unloading of bowels, no toilet roll*

*looks at news paper and smiles*

"eat shit Priscilla"

*reads paper whilst on toilet****

Finishes reading the paper

Bravo. On the side of it being loaded with ads and gossip. I'd like to see some more news. Something that will peak my interest. I don't want to see the same shit I can read in the obits. 

Your learning though. 

Drops five dollars in a hat and walks away handing Jammin the news article.

Masquerade claps.

Psshh.. fuck news. You're hilarious.

Tony sits at his desk, his drink, gun and some cocaine sit on a mirror just out of hands reach..Tony reads the paper that Priscilla threw on his desk.. flipping the pages he laughs a bit while taking a shot of alcohol

Your going to lead me to become an alcoholic! well, hell momma said never to be a quitter right?

Tony places the newspaper down and grabs the mirror doing a small line of coke thinking about how jelous Priscilla would be to see him snorting this fine uncut cocaine he just receieved from a shipment

Thomas finishes reading the paper laughing

Bravo Piscilla.  Continune the excellent work

Sweeney starts reading his favorite paper. Laughs and chuckles a bit. Takes a drink of diet coke.

Ah, very good Priscilla. Getting better every day if that's even possiable.

Pulls out some coke. Looks around to see if Priscilla is near.

All clear.

Sets a line and Priscilla come out of no where. Punches me in the face and runs of with my coke.

Damn it! GOOD PAPER BY THE WAY!

Seeing that Priscilla has another issue for sale, Pablo is compelled to buy a copy, if only for the no nonsense vulgarity's that usually lie within. But mainly he enjoys reading the interviews with the great mobsters of our world, and to see what she says, or does to them!.