Dearest Reader,

     It is Day One of my personal conquest to lay with Spiderman's girl, Mary Redhead Something Rather. So far, it has proven difficult.

     Also, my new invention has become quite ineffective in the marketing department. I'm not overly concerned however, because it's incredibly useful. It's like makeup, but for your ass cheeks. I haven't given it a name. So far, the only tone in development is the light and poop green, which will go on sale in the coming days at your local chocolate factory.

     The prostitution and booze rackets have grown terrible this time of year and I've resorted to making paper airplanes the size of yachts in order to compensate.

     There has been some resistance to my efforts, so I have hired a team of midgets to dress exactly like me and rob post offices for the rubber bands they have stored behind the desks. I will use the rubber bands to create baseball sized projectiles that explode on impact. What will I target with my rubber band ball catapult? Glad you asked.

     My side mission that I have created and chosen accept on behalf of myself, is to locate and destroy the nefarious gingerbread people who mascaraed as happy candy-giving philanthropists. The best way to track them to their gingerbread secret hideouts is by meticulously following the trails of bubble gum-droppings they leave behind when scurry about while under cover of nightfall. They're evil and I will destroy them.

     This monumental campaign will begin after my second attempt to take Mary Redhead Whatever Her Names Is to the Chicken Circus where I will serve her burnt marsh-mellows and purple absinthe while watching the trapeze chickens do flips over a vat of potato vodka(These chickens are trained professionals; please do not try this at home).

     Your Humble Friend,

               The Pumpkin Patty OGeezus