| May 19 - 12:40:06 |
|
| Post Reply | Post new topic | Page: 1 |
| Ask Animal | Started by: Animal on Feb 08, '08 13:55 |
|
In the big, lonely, and often uncertain world of the Mafia, we all need a little advice sometimes. But, who do you trust? To whom can you divulge your deepest worries or fears and find honest, helpful suggestions? The answer is, your friendly neighborhood Animal. That's right, Animal is your friend. He is whole-heartedly dedicated to helping you with your problems, and to giving you honest, straight-from-the-heart answers. So relax, tell Animal your troubles. -And our first reader writes: Dear Animal, OMG, I suk @ ranking. Y won't my boss giv me a promo? Wot do I need 2 do 2 get sum respect here?Frm: UrDaddy Dear UrDaddy, You are correct, you suck. How about you buy a vowel and a dictionary and speak like a normal fuckin person... Here's is my suggestion, go to your dresser and pull out you revolver then put it to your head and pull the trigger.. problem solved!! maybe your son or daughter will speak better english. - Our next reader writes: Dear Animal, I have fallen in love with a beautiful woman who lives in my city. I can't keep my mind off of her, but she won't go on a date with me. I just know we were made for each other- I knew it from the moment I saw her across the coffee shop as I was watching her from behind my newspaper. I think she's playing hard-to-get, because I asked her to go out with me that very day, but she said no. I know she wanted to, though, because I saw her tell one of the other waitresses about me and giggle. I'm doing everything I can to show her that we're meant to be. For instance, I come to the coffee shop every day and watch her work. She usually ignores me, but I know that's just because she's busy. I follow her home almost every night to make sure she gets home alright, though I haven't lately because last time I did that, the police were waiting for me- haven't quite figured out why yet. Anyway, I even went through her trash one night and figured out what kind of nylons she wears, then went and bought her a whole case. Oh man, she's a saucy one- when I gave them to her at the coffee shop, she called me a freak and walked away. It was perfect- she's all over me. Now, don't get me wrong, her playing hard-to-get is a definite turn on, but its really starting to get on my nerves. I really want to show her a good time- bring her to my Ma's house and show her my basement apartment; all the pictures of her I have on my walls, the hair that I took out of her hairbrush, the pair of panties I took from her laundry- you know, the sweet little things like that. Any advice? Sincerely, Watchin' Her Dear Watchin' Her, That's called stalking, but i am sure your just trying to hard.. I'm positive after hearing what you go through that no woman on the planet could resist you... here's my advise, talk to Zebedee, We all know he put the Sensual in Nonconsensual... I am sure he can teach you a roofie trick or two... just remember it didn't happen if she doesn't remember it.. And finally: Dear Animal, So I'm in Philly the other week doin' some business for my boss. You know, a quick sweep-and-clear, if you catch my drift. Anyway, I get the job done and decide to have a little fun before I catch my flight back to Chicago, so I find a strip joint and throw down some cash. Suddenly, I got this broad hangin' all over me- a dancer. I'm feelin' pretty good, right? So, I decide to spend the night in Philly and show her a good time. We go back to a hotel room, have a few drinks, a few laughs, and roll around in the sack for a while. Next morning, she's waking me up with a huge breakfast and telling me she loves me- didn't even want me to pay her for the night. So now this broad thinks I'm gonna take her home to my Ma and let her tie me down...so I clocked her in the head with the butt of my pistol and shoved her into my suitcase. Where do you think is my best option for dumping the body? Thanks, TonyUDon'tKnowMe Dear TonyUDon'tKnowMe This is by far the best question I have gotten today. There are several options you can do here, my favorite and being a good classic is leave her locked in the trunk and push the car (weighted with cement ) into the river... Then there is the classic cement shoes, but that always requires a lot of lifting and i am lazy bastard so i leave that one alone. Another good choice is the tarp and lime and just bury there asses... all in all be creative, maybe think of something new that will enter the FBI's most heinous crimes list... you can do it kid, i believe in ya. Well, Thats the show today. Make sure to send in those tough, meaningful questions and i'll do my best to guide you. |
|
| Report Post | Tip |
|
I have a question. Do you think too many people rely on past bloodlines to rank quickly and easily and without much hassle? Yourself included. |
|
| Reply by: MassiveAttack at Feb 08, '08 16:58 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
| I would say so. But still very funny. This is the kinda stuff I like to see as I'm walking down the road. | |
| Reply by: SourDiesel at Feb 08, '08 18:02 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
|
Disclaimer: This is completely satirical and a form of dry humor. If you would like to have your questions answered on my next installment then please send forth you mails. You can opt to have your name removed. Please keep them to a mafia theme and i will gladly answer them. The frequency of shows will depend on the frequency of questions. Thank you for your interest. Regards, Animal |
|
| Reply by: Animal at Feb 08, '08 19:46 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
| Post Reply | View All Threads | Page: 1 |
How much do you want to tip for this post?
Minimum $20,000
Minimum $20,000
