Gavin was tired. That, more than anything was the feeling that was throughout his entire body with every beat of his heart. As he sat on the train watching the countryside fly by, he thought of how often he'd sat in a plane, a train, or ship riding for hours to get to some mission. When he was a young man, half the reason he stayed alive was the fun of constantly being in motion, meeting new people. When he'd semi-retired to take care of the kids, every job had been a relished break from monotony. Now he could feel every one of his fifty-three years. The number of scars he'd earned as an adult, he supposed, had finally outnumbered the ones he'd received from his father as a child.

He shifted in his seat, grimacing as his back flared up again. Closing his eyes in resignation, he shifted again so that he was lying flat on the double seat with his legs hanging over the side. His back, at least, settled down a bit. Not enough for him to get comfortable, but enough for the pain to stop. 

With a deep sigh, Gavin laced his hands on his torso and fell asleep.

He was gently eased out of his sleep. He blinked and regained his perceptions slowly, like sliding into a warm, comfortable bath. His senses yawned, stretched, and began communicating- before arriving at the same, indisputable conclusion. The fingernails running gently through his hair, the perfume, the breathing, even the feel of her lap... he knew before he even snapped his eyes open that he'd be looking up into the doe-like brown eyes of his eyes. His sky blue eyes drank in every feature of her face. God, he missed her. He was about to raise his head from where it rested on his lap when his brain caught up with him and forced him to take a deep breath.

"You're dead," said Gavin, his voice breaking both from his awakening and the shock of seeing Bella, who nodded in agreement with his statement. "Then," continued Gavin, "... I died?"

Bella shook her head, staring at him, and she looked down at him with a pained expression. 

"No, Gavin. Not yet."

"Okay," he sighed. "Then it's a dream."

"You're disappointed," said Bella in a gentle voice, still lazily running her fingers through Gavin's hair. 

"I... don't know. I want to stay alive. Help Aurora. Will. Shit, every time I leave the house it seems like I get another kid. We're up to five kids and two grandchildren now." He paused. "I don't want to leave them."

"But?"

"But I'm tired, Bella. I'm just so tired sometimes. And it's not a physical tiredness. Or even emotional. It's..."

"Spiritual?"

"... not my ideal choice of words. But despite the irony, yea. I don't know." He took a deep, thoughtful breath. "Sometimes I wish I died with you. But then I think of everything I've done since that day. Everything I helped Rora with, getting to know Brigitte and little Gav, and... I wouldn't have wanted to miss that, either. I just feel..."

His wife's eyes entreated him to continue.

"... I feel like a lot of days are harder than they should be. That I have to wage a war just to care, sometimes. And there are days when I just want to stay home and get drunk, because-" He cracked an eye open. "I had to give up drinking."

"I know," she smirked.

"It's not funny."

"It's a little funny."

They shared an easy smile- one that seemed to wound Gavin when he recognized how much he'd missed it. He pulled himself up to a sitting position next to her and pulled his wife into his lap. Moving tentatively, he kissed her, and his hands had already started to slide down her hips when he heard a familiar clearing of the throat from the seat across from him. He didn't need to open his eyes to see who it was, and he was already in the process of habitually ignoring his sister when he realized who it was. Quickly, Gavin's head lurched towards Tara as Bella kissed his neck, mumbling something along the lines of 'couldn't you just have waited a few minutes?' 

Tara smirked.

"We're all proud of you, you know. For fighting that fight. Forcing yourself to stay alive, to take care of your family. We never expected anything less from you. I've seen you do that since the day you were born."

Bella slid off Gavin's lap and took Tara's hand in both his own, his breath caught in his throat.

"I'm not dead. Am I dying?" questioned Gavin. Tara just shook her head.

"Is this some sort of Christmas Carol scenario? Am I being haunted?"

"In that case, you'd need three ghosts," said Will Bowden, suddenly sitting next to Tara. "Gavin! I am here to get you to reform!"

Gavin just stared at Will- he didn't look like the twisted creature Durden had sent back, but the Will who'd worked on the Pier with him.

"I'm kidding," adding Will, glancing at Bella. "You already had an angel to help you do that."

"So what's the point of all this?" asked Gavin. Bella's hand slid into his and their fingers laced, just like they had so often in life.

Will Bowden shrugged, "I dunno. You tell me. It's your dream. But I do think you need to take some time for yourself, Gavin. You're wearing yourself out."

Tara nodded, adding, "Did you really need to jet off and rescue Volkov, Gavin? He's one of the most capable assassins in the world. He doesn't need his daddy to pick him up and bring him home."

Gavin felt Bella squeeze his hand, but he ignored it for a moment as he spoke.

"Tara, I-"

"You're forcing yourself into a situation you don't need to be in, and it's dangerous." Tara's eyes studied him keenly. "You'd never take your own life, Gavin... but this move of yours reeks of a man desperate to trade his life for something." Gavin's eyes flared with anger, but that emotion bled out slowly as Tara kept speaking. "And there's no one left in your life to set you straight. Rora is... she's an amazing young woman, but she can't help but have a blind spot when it comes to you, Gavin. Same with Billy. And everyone else who's important to you. You've outlived all the people who can call you out."

Gavin sighed, saying "Maybe there's a small truth to what you're saying... but I really do want to help him, you know. I missed his whole life. If he needs anything now..."

Three sets of eyes looked at him with kindness as he let the sentiment trail away. Exhaling, Gavin slumped back against the seat. He felt Bella's hand on his cheek and his lips on his forehead. Opening his eyes again, he glanced around the small compartment. 

"I miss all of you."

"We know, Gavin. We know."

Gavin raised a tired hand to his face and sighed again.

"So how does this end? You're not going to all start bleeding and snap into some horrifying scene of me with dead bodies?"

Tara raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"...I've had a lot of experience with nightmares," explained Gavin. 

"No. None of that," said Will, gently. 

"Then what?"

Bella shrugged, "I don't know. It's your dream. What do you want?" Gavin was quiet for a long time.

"You. All of you. But you, especially. No offense." 

He glanced over where Tara and Will were sitting closely next to each other.

"None taken," said Will and Tara together, wearing matching grins. 

"I don't know. It's just a dream."

Suddenly, Will and Tara were gone as Bella lowered herself onto Gavin and kissed him, pulling her lips away from his to whisper, "Then let it be a good dream."

_______

Gavin awoke with the taste of his wife on his lips and the feel of her fingers in his hair. As he blearily rejoined the land of the living, he muttered a long, slow "oh... shit" and stood to stretch his back. He'd find Volkov, bring him back to the states... and then he'd take some time off.