* music plays *

Mr. Pickles walks out onto the stage, smarty dressed in a tuxedo arm in arm with Katie Murdock who is wearing a lovely evening gown.  Pickles grabs the microphone.

Ladies and Gentlemen, by now you’ve probably heard of the great moose stampeded that has afflicted us lately.  The property damage and emotional damage have affected us all.

Katie stands next to Mr. Pickles and nods solemnly. She unhooks her arm from her escort and moves to reach for the microphone. A breeze pulls her dress close to her skin and the crowd calms down a bit as Pickles gives her the microphone.

That's right.

She motions towards Pickles, tremendous grief trickles from each word.

The worst of this moose stampeded was felt at the local rhubarb garden. This year's crop was completely destroyed.

Katie pauses for a moment to let the devastation sink in.

This means no rhubarb pies and jams for the children.

Children emerge from the darkness as Katie holds back a sob. The kids vary in age and size and they clutter around Mr. Pickles and Katie. Their shoulders are slumped in disappointment and their eyes show only sadness. One girl clutching a teddy bear sheds a tear.

How can we allow these children to suffer?

Pickles shoves a kid out of the way as he steps back up to the microphone.

We can’t let these children suffer!  That’s why Katie and I are here today to ask for your donations to help these poor children in these times of no rhubarb pies.  Think of the children!

Katie returns closer to Pickles side and takes her turn with the microphone.

We have set up live entertainment to be played as you make your donations. I'd like to present Mr. Richard Wad.

He uses her heel to kick the radio's volume up a few notches and watches as Don Dick walks onto the stage with a burlesque trombone. Katie makes a note that he only wears a long overcoat. He plays a few pirouettes and then pulls his coat open . . . Katie gasps as her hands fly to her face to cover her eyes.

Okay! Richard, that's enough. I'd like to be able to wear white on my wedding day and I'm afraid if you continue . . . well . . .

Katie quickly changes subjects.

Maybe we'll try something else. The donations are flying in and I don't want to lose the joy in the air. Tiggy will present us with a nice and lovely song.

Tiggy walks out on stage and waits for her intro to be over, then sings . . .

I’m a little teapot short and stout,
Here is my handle, here is my spout.
When I get all steamed up, hear me shout,
Tip me over and pour me out!

Thank you.

Tiggy runs off stage.  Pickles and Katie applaud as Tiggy disappears.

Wasn’t that great, Katie?

It sure was Pickles! I was just at the opera the other night and Tiggy just made the leading lady sound like a broken record.

Katie beams a smile at the crowd to further state how much she enjoyed the act.

Let's see how those donations are doing, shall we?

Katie stepped over to the stool where the jar sits with Pickles and places her hand inside. She pulls out a handful of change and sifts through it, counting.

Forty-seven cents!

She exclaimed, but then realized what she just said. Katie looked down at the pitiful pile of loose change, a button, a piece of string and some pocket lint.

Things aren't going as well as we had hoped it seems.

Katie turns to Mr. Pickles.

I think it's time to start our silent auction.

Pickles holds up a stylish black vest.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a 47 Enterprises ©®™ Novelty Bullet Proof Vest!  That’s right, folks, this novelty bullet proof vest will give you a false sense of security yet with a light breathable cotton.  Remember, it’s guaranteed not to stop anything!  Katie, what do you have there?

Katie pulls out a menacing Colt .45 and points it directly at Pickles face. She squeezes the trigger with determination and a "BANG" flag pops out.

What I have here is 47 Enterprises ©®™ Bang Flag Gun. Guaranteed to put a fright into anyone, but won't harm a soul. Here, Pickles, have a cigar!

Pickles takes the cigar and lights it.  After a few drags it explodes in his face.

Aw, Katie!  You got me with the 47 Enterprises ©®™ Exploding Cigar!  It’s a classic gag, and it can be yours if you’re the highest bidder.  So, let’s get this silent auction started.  Remember, it’s for the children!

Katie walks back to the center of the stage and has her way with the microphone.

Remember everyone; we must donate to help the children.

She calls passionately into the crowed that had formed.

Now we'll enjoy a short poem from Mr. Pickles and as you think to yourselves how amazing this man is, show your appreciation and give us your money!

Pickles pulls a few papers out of his pockets and puts on a pair of reading glasses to look official.

Thank you, Katie.  Ahem . . .

Old Godmother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her crewmembers a bone
When she got there,
The cupboard was bare,
So her poor crewmembers got none.
Then she pulled a bank job and gave bones to all her crew.

What?  You want one more?  Okay, since you’ve been good . . .

There was an old Capo who lived in a shoe
He had so many crew members, he didn’t know what to do!
So, he transferred three to another crew
And wacked the rest.

Well, Katie, I hope this has helped raise money for the children without rhubarb because of the great moose stampede.  Good night, everyone.  Remember, donate early and often.

Yes! People, people, please donate for the children! Rescue them from this terrible fate they've found themselves in. Save them from teh nightmares caused from the horror of the moose stampede. For the children's rhubarb pies!

Mr. Pickles offers Katie his arm and when she takes it they exit off stage together.