Datsik finishes a game of "Soggy Biscuit" with his bodyguards and strolls towards the crowded streets. He tightens his belt and steps on a small group of racoons to be seen by the masses.

Ladies and Gentlemen, i have approached you today about a very serious issue, something close to my heart and hopefully it is important for you too.

Thats right, the matter of our loyal and trusted companions, our heroes, our watchers of the night, our friends,our Bodgyguards.  Now, most of us have one or two, some of us have an army of them. These men and women are constantly prepared to lay down their life for us and have sadly found themselves in the middle of the thing of ours and they themselves have become targets to our guns. Yet they are not the ones robbing post offices, dealing drugs or planning wars, they simply do their job and protect their employer.

However we know all this, i am not preaching the news but facts. Although we treat these fine men and women as empty suits, people without a face, a personality or a life of their own. I have been getting close to my loyal bodyguards and found they do have all of these features, you just have to look past the suit and dark glasses and there is love and compassion beneath. Hell i even had an affair with one of mine, didnt really work, but atleast i gave it a go.

Datsik gives an awkward look to one of his bodyguards, thinks back to his pescription of anti-biotics and shudders.

So mabye its best you dont go that far with your Bodyguards but get to know them, go to family meals at their house. Your paying them enough for them to be able to prepare a nice meal. Treat them to days off by the seaside, ditch the suits and glasses for spandex and sun tan oil. We spend so much time in this world of ours that our moral boundaries get blurred and we get ditatched from reality and forget how fun and joyful it was. My point is that there is time for work and there is time for pleasure and our bodyguards do not shy away from either. Please atleast learn their names, i understand that would be difficult if you have 50 or 100 so just pick out your favourites.

So walk away from here, side by side with your protectors and just have fun, come back here and tell us all about what shananigans you have been up to!

Also if you know of any unemployed bodyguards we can help them too.  Datsik winks at the crowd

Goodbye and goodluck

Datsik steps of the racoons, which seem to be sleeping, and skips merrily down the street arm in arm with his guards.

Dick steps up with his well lit blunt and his half filled flask of whiskey

"I had dinner with my bodyguard RichardHead the other evening. You learn a lot if you sit down and take the time to share stories or even gossip about the ladies."

Dick smiles

"He told me about this story involving Kamakazie, bed straps, an iguana and a fruit bat. Had me entertained for some time. I suggest everyone take the time to show your body guards some love, not like some TonyCorelli "I wanna snuggle luvs", I mean like some crazy monkey type love. That sort of love can only be found in two places, Barnie's pants, and the Wilderness of Tibet"

Dick downs his glass and stumbles down an alley kicking a few cans here and there

Pablo was on his way back to the office after a spot of business, when he saw a huddled group of suited men masturbating in the street. As he got closer one the men broke away from the huddle, walked over to some raccoons and stood on them.


Pablo just kept on walking....

After Datsik seeing the bewildered man he thinks its time to go back to selling the drugs and not using them. His teambuilding games will have to wait for another time.

On a very un-related note, has anyone got any biscuits?

Going about his business, paying only a modicum of attention to his surroundings for he was deep in thought, Spuff emerged from his reverie at the mention of biscuits. He'd only just eaten, and his inner coat pocket held some only slightly damaged Milanos which he'd left no room for. Eyes bigger than his stomach, he'd planned on eating them later, but if he was honest with himself he knew that he was just as likely to bin them. Feeling uncharacteristically generous, he offered them to Datsik.

As it happens, I do indeed have some biscuits. Here, they're all yours.

Handing them over, his mind processed the speech that he had caught only snatches of whilst walking past.

Aah, bodyguards eh? True, some people like to get to know their employees, especially those who can potentially take a bullet for you. That's just the thing though, their job is a dangerous one. There's no telling when a relationship you've spent months building will be cruelly snatched away by the fates. It's easier if there's no emotional involvement. At the end of the day, they're in it for the money, just like we are. They show up to work, shadow you and keep the riff-raff at bay, and go home at the end of the day with their pay cheque. Fundamentally, their pay is all they really want, and they know they need to earn it. I'm not running a kindergarten here, I simply see them as meat to do as they're told.

Some might brand such an approach as callous, but I would disagree. I consider myself a fair employer, and pay my guys their dues whenever necessary. If I start pampering them though, there's the risk they'll grow soft, which is the exact opposite of what I need from them. The harder the better. Sure I know some of their names, but that's only so I can call them to task if they fuck up. It's important to be able to differentiate between those who put in a solid shift and those who slack off, by proxy not only failing to earn their keep but more importantly put myself at risk. This categorically cannot be allowed.

Shaking off crumbs and biscuit remnants from his palms, he nods his head and continues on his way. The night was young, and there was a hobbling post with Theo's name on it.

Kamakazie watches as Dick staggers away and laughs

I spent some time with my bodyguard Kizzy, she told me about this story that involved RichardWad, a strapon, latex suits, and a gerbil up the ass that ended in an embarrassing trip to the hospital.

Anyway, there is a such thing as spending too much time with your bodyguards though, my favorite bodyguard JackDaniels told me a strange story that involved JackSparrow. I'd rather not get into that, it may be too graphic for some people.

Kamakazie heads down the alley to "clear things up" with Dick