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| The Swine Awards | Started by: FlyingPig on Feb 09, '08 14:32 |
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A handsome man with porcine features steps forward. He is wearing a smart black tuxedo and a serious look on his face. Straightening his bow tie, he addresses the crowd of drooling mongoloids who have come to bask in his glow Ahem...Perhaps it is too soon to present these awards. After all, I hate to steal the spotlight from the recent MRAG Awards. There have been many criticisms and complaints of those awards, which is why I have decided to conduct my own awards presentation. Before I go any further, let's just clear up that situation. Those awards were based on public opinion. Public opinion is not right or wrong, it just...is. With that in mind, for the First Annual Swine Awards, I have decided to introduce some safeguards to make the process more objective. First of all, there will be a selection committee. That selection committee will be...me. Any objections? The Pig looks to the right and to the left None? Good. Here is how I will be selecting nominations: For each category, I would like a nomination, as well as a short paragraph justifying and explaining your selection. If your nomination for best Boss looks like this: i wud lik 2 vote 4 alferie cuz he iz kewl THEN IN THE FUCKING TRASH YOUR NOMINATION WILL GO! Christ, I hate you people. Sometimes I don't even know why I let you within touching distance of me. Here is what a proper nomination should look like: I would like to nominate Alfieri for best crewleader. He exemplified the position by having a quality street presence, by revitalizing the Las Vegas bar district as evidenced by success businesses A, B, and C, and he had well known positions on certain issues which he made known and never backed away from. That is not an exact template, but you should get the idea. You should provide real support for your nominations. I don't want people nominating their friends just to give them publicity. I hate your friends, and I hate you, too. If you nominate a friend without giving me a good rationalization, THEN IN THE FUCKING TRASH YOUR NOMINATION WILL GO! Now then, with all of that out of the way, let's get on to the categories. BEST CREWLEADER: Your nomination should include who you felt was the best person in bold to lead their family while simultaneously protecting the interests of La Cosa Nostra nationwide. The person you nominate should have breathed life into the streets, exuded confidence and strength, and tolerance when appropriate and necessary. BEST RHM/W The person to win this award should have played such a significant role in the operation of their family, that they were almost interchangable with their Boss. It should be someone that other leaders felt just as comfortable dealing with as they felt about the Boss of that family. BEST HITMAN It is very obvious to me that most of you fucktards have no idea what a hitman is supposed to do, based on your selection of a rogue as the "Best Hitman" for the MRAG Awards. A hitman is the most loyal member of the family. He or she, from birth, knows that they will die by being on the front lines during a war, protecting everyone in their family from the Boss right down to the lowest Gangster. Also, a hitman works for a Boss, a hitman is not THE Boss. If you nominate a crewleader for this position...right, trash. Your selection should best represent those qualities I laid out, as well as have a kick ass gun, and know when to use it and when to holster it. BEST ROGUE Rogues don't deserve awards. Fuck off. BEST ORATOR This category actually seemed quite objective during the MRAG Awards. Nevertheless, there would be a void in these awards if the category was not included. The qualities of the nominee should be fairly obvious. The nominee should be active and articulate, original and thought-provoking. Spammers need not apply. Ok, I know what you are thinking... But Mr. Pig, this doesn't look much different from that other Awards presentation, except for the fact that you are making us have to use our brains, which I'm not very good at... Fear not. As I am already stepping dangerously close to being unoriginal, I would be shamed if I didn't add something new to my personal Awards Presentation. With that, I'd like to present a new group of categories: BIGGEST FUCKTARD This nominee should not be a bad person, so much. It's just someone who would make you snicker at their supreme cluelessness. The Fucktard is someone who never had a mentor or bothered to read any mafia guidelines, but that never stopped them from being adamant in their opinions of what is right and wrong around here. Do not confuse the Fucktard with the Asshat. ASSHAT OF THE YEAR Who is the biggest dickhead? What has he done? In both words and actions, who has been the most annoying motherfucker to escape euthanasia in the last year? WORST CREWLEADER Do not worry, your nominations will be completely confidential. However, you must still justify your nomination the same way as you would nominate the best crewleader. What has this hopeless sack of shit done, or more likely, NOT done? This award will be difficult to award, because the person most deserving of it has probably already been forgotten by all of you. Before turning to leave, the Pig makes a final comment to ensure that everyone understands how to offer their nominations Simple enough, send them to me. Don't forget to justify each nomination, or in the fucking trash it goes. I will narrow the nominees down to around five per category, if necessary, and consult with other mafia experts in making my decision as to who will win each award. My hope is that the process will be more objective than the MRAG. I don't perceive these awards to be better than the others, only different, sort of like The People's Choice Awards versus The Academy Awards. |
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| can i vote u for ASSHAT OF THE YEAR? | |
| Reply by: JohnnyHaxe at Feb 09, '08 14:39 | |
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| If you can justify it, yes. If you can't justify it, then in the fucking trash it goes. | |
| Reply by: FlyingPig at Feb 09, '08 14:42 | |
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| Will sell my opinion for money. Speak to me. | |
| Reply by: MassiveAttack at Feb 09, '08 14:43 | |
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flyingpig i like u ur a stand up kinda guy i hope ur awards work out 4 u |
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| Reply by: JohnnyHaxe at Feb 09, '08 14:44 | |
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I like this, the only thing i want to know, is why are you the presenter? What kind of a celebrity are you? |
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| Reply by: McFearless at Feb 09, '08 14:56 | |
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| Are the swine awards real or is this satire? | |
| Reply by: Derange at Feb 10, '08 01:46 | |
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The Swine Awards are very real. I have already received several nominations, and I am happy that they have all been accompanied by a rational explanation. I am hoping that the nature of the nomination process will discourage the stupid and lazy from participating. McFearless, what do you mean, what kind of celebrity am I? I'm not a porn star, if that's what you are wondering, although I should be. |
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| Reply by: FlyingPig at Feb 10, '08 02:01 | |
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| Usually the have a celeberity to host these things, because i don't know who you are.. | |
| Reply by: McFearless at Feb 10, '08 15:08 | |
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| Then you boy, have been under a rock the last few years. | |
| Reply by: url at Feb 10, '08 15:45 | |
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Vasily find bear under rock. Vasily kill bear with fist. |
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| Reply by: Vasily at Feb 10, '08 21:35 | |
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| Perhaps someday, McFearless, I will introduce myself to you in my own inimitable way. | |
| Reply by: FlyingPig at Feb 10, '08 22:03 | |
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| I Would Like 2 Vote 4 Oliver_MacTavish. Cuz She Is A BadAss!!!!! | |
| Reply by: Down_Town_Rider at Feb 10, '08 22:05 | |
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I'd like to announce I'm running for biggest fucktard...and ass hat... And worst crewleader. |
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| Reply by: Dillinger at Feb 11, '08 03:34 | |
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| Shit, Dillinger is clearly my first real competition. | |
| Reply by: PrinceofCheese at Feb 11, '08 05:54 | |
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| I'm running for Best CL. That is all. | |
| Reply by: TonyDeathNote at Feb 11, '08 05:56 | |
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And you have zero nominations, unfortunately. Anyhoo, I am out here today to let you know that I will continue accepting nominations until the weekend. If you want your favorite CL/RHM/Hitman/Orator/Asshat/Fucktard to win, you had better nominate them. I will harshly abuse anyone who cries about so-and-so not winning, when that person didn't even put forward a nomination. The process will be fair with no favoritism shown. Who wins is up to your ability to make a convincing argument as to why that person should win, based on the criteria I have laid out, and whatever other pertinent criteria is brought to my attention. |
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| Reply by: FlyingPig at Feb 12, '08 20:21 | |
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| A middle-aged gentleman with Iron-greay hair and a matching moustache steps up from the crowd, "At this time I have decided to announce my nomination for worst Crew-leader. I nominate myself. How can you nominate yourself? You ask? Easy, I just did it. But you're not nor have you ever been a crew-leader you point out. True. This completely qualifies me for the award, as no one in their right mind would follow me anyway. And those who might follow me only do so out of morbid curiousity. I think that pretty much establishes my qualifications. What do you say Piggy, am I a shoe in or what? | |
| Reply by: mad-jack at Feb 12, '08 23:12 | |
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You have some pretty stiff competition mad-jack, but send in your nomination for yourself if you think you are worthy. I'm here to let everyone know that decisions will be made tomorrow. You have less than 24 hours to get in your final nominations. FlyingPig tips his hat and wanders away |
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| Reply by: FlyingPig at Feb 16, '08 23:53 | |
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Best Hitman? Correct me if I am wrong, but I always thought a pre-requisite for being a good hitman was that ONLY the BOSS knew you WERE a hitman? Still, gotta admire the cajones on that pig (which are to miss, when he buzzes overhead at low altidude), asking people to reveal to him who all their hitters are... The sad fact is, if some idiot doesn't respond by nominating his entire family's hitsquad, pigs might fly! |
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| Reply by: _The_Hammer_ at Feb 18, '08 17:13 | |
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