The AvardTa National course was looking glorious after a couple of day's sparse play and reigning champion, Johnny_Dickfingers had been lauding his domination over the rest of the clubhouse. This bravado and general shithousery had led to several calls for tee times to Avard's staff, mainly with the goal of trying to dethrone the pecker-handed prince, but also, doubtlessly, for a jolly good time.

First to try his hand at knocking Dickfingers from his perch so was Bricktown bigwig, Archy. A newcomer to the course and early signs were that he might also be a newcomer to the sport, with a 5 at the first followed by a 6 at the par 5, second, leaving both Takedown and Trollbait rather smug. Johnny_Dickfingers, who had watched the first two holes with interest, retreated back to "his kingdom" (the clubhouse bar), where he told anyone who would listen to "wake [him] up when this assclown is done".

The departure of the course record holder seemed to spur Archy on as he became the first man to hit three eagles in a row, slaying Shall I take a Pro? Dodging the Purge List and demolishing the stupidly named 5th hole in a fine period of play. This majestic run saw him eye-fucking a -4 through 5 holes and Johnny's earlier confidence was looking misplaced.

Incognito broke Archy's eagle streak, where a three putt after a decent tee shot saw him card a bogey. A good performance at Anita and he would be well set heading into the toughest two holes on the course to steal some of the money AvardT should have been donating to his impoverished boss. Unfortunately, a rush of blood to the head and a double bogey later and Archy was only 1 under. Even Mikhail, always an avid viewer of events on the course, gave a disgusted snort at Archy's piss poor effort; despite carding a worst-ever +5 in his debut round, the Russian's performance did include a birdie on that hole, which seemingly enabled him to mock anyone else.

It continued to peter away for Archy and after a reasonable birdie on the 8th, a very tired looking double bogey at Champion meant a disappointing +1 finish and none of Avard's greenery on this day. He tucked his tail between his legs and went off to commiserate with other losers, like TeddySanders. 

With Archy dismissed out of hand like a anonymous credit takedown log, SamDarnold was next to the tee box. He looked like he meant business, before promptly joining TeddySanders in the "I lost a ball on Takedown" club. A terrible double bogey opener was cut to ribbons by a cavalier approach to Trollbait which saw him on the green in two. An eagle followed as did a couple of choice words for Johnny_Dickfingers, who was doing his best to heckle Sam, making less than friendly remarks about Mrs Darnold.

This proved to be an idiotic tactic as a now inspired Darnold put together an amazing run of par, eagle, eagle, par, which left him on a very promising 4 under through six holes. Johnny had taken up the Mikhail viewing post, glowering as Sam took his Mickey Mouse head cover off and spanked the ball 220 yards into Anita, seemingly without a care in the world. The first bead of sweat could be seen snaking down Dickfinger's brow, before being hastily scrubbed away with one hideously phallic fingerhead. 

What could have been the culmination of something special ended in disappointing failure. [Insert MafiaReturns reference of your choice] [Or a night with TurkeyAndSwissOnRye hair-trigger gag]. Sam missed a par putt on the 7th for a disappointing 5 and complimented that excellently with further disappointment on the par 5, 8th, before finishing in true TeddySanders style with another bogey on the last. His -4 had turned into a -1 and a consolation cheque of $50,000 from AvardTremendous, much to Eve's chagrin. Sam was left wondering what might have been and Eve knowing that the fuck off magnifying glass she wanted for her games of late night cluedo would have to wait for another day.

Having seen off Taradiddle_, TeddySanders (who hasn't), William_the_Bloody, Archy and most recently SamDarnold, Johnny_Dickfingers had become the longest reigning champion in Mafia Golf history. Despite this, he became increasingly despondent that the big sponsorship deals refused to come his way, clearly forgetting that a man with 5 cocks on the end of each hand was nobody's first choice selling pitch. 

Icepick was the next mobster to take a swing around the course and he enjoyed it so much he played again twice, clearly making the most of the free pass Avard had given out. 

His first round was a rather respectable par. Some highlights: Second person to eagle Champion (after the Nubian queen, Coco), first man with to get a double bogey at Incognito and the best score over the hardest two holes on the course (-1 at Pole Position and -2 at Champion). Still, it earned him sweet fuck all, so the less said the better.

His second round started well with a birdie on the opening hole, but was quickly scrubbed out by a course worst double bogey on the easiest hole. Mikhail spat in Icepick's direction, echoing the sentiment of all in the viewing gallery. A fine run through 3, 4 and 5 though meant that he had 3 birdies and an eagle approaching Incognito and he was very much in contention at -3 on his scorecard.

Icepick foolishly decided that now was the time to do his best TeddySanders impression and casually went to rats. A bogey at 6, 7 and 8 meant that he was level playing the last. Fortunately, he was a fucking champion of Champion and he carded back to back eagles on the hole, meaning Avard had to part with another $100,000 and he was beginning to understand why Eve had renamed her crew to "Fuck Golf".

With Icepick paid, Johnny_Dickfingers unbeaten streak stretched to 7 and observers were left wondering if Avard would be stuck with him forever.

It was a warm, sunny afternoon without a hint of breeze, which everyone knows is the perfect weather for golf. Fortunately, the same could also be said for a chilly, rainy morning with the wind shooting across the course, because all weather is perfect for Mafia Golf and today was no exception. 

Johnny_Dickfingers arrogance was seemingly limitless and he had taken to erecting a deckchair beside the first hole to heckle challengers. The first to earn his ire was the returning Taradiddle_ out to improve upon an acceptable -2 and first ever hole-in-one on his debut round. Ignoring Johnny's calls of "why do you only have 5 units?" and the highly original "your mum's a slag", Tara went off like a house on fire, with consecutive eagles.

A dropped shot at Should I take a Pro was routinely erased by a confident putt at Purge List to make it 3 eagles in 4 holes. Johnny's thumb penis began to go ominously flaccid and a par at the 5th followed by a birdie at the 5th had even his usually randy index dong quickly shriveling. -6 with three holes left to play.

If the pressure was getting to Tara, he wasn't showing it, scoring a 4th majestic eagle of the round at Anita taking him to a towering 8 under par and 3 shots clear of Johnny's course record. A crowd was gathering to watch something special unfold and not even Mikhail's filthy stares were enough to keep them away. 

The par 5, Pole Position, would seem like the perfect foil for the would-be champ to realise his potential but a nervy looking bogey dropped him back to -7 with the final hole to play. Anything better than a catastrophic double bogey would see him set a new course record, but as his tee shot careered towards the stream, it seemed like that might become a possibility. Fortunately, he was still in play, forced to drop a shot chipping back to the fairway but otherwise in control. He managed to get to the green for 4. His leg was shaking like a shitting dog as he lined up the par putt, which he sent sailing 9ft past the hole. The crowd fell into a hushed silence, except for Johnny_Dickfingers who cheered like the truly bitter bastard he is.

Tara took a deep breath before making his final putt. He thought about his family, then quickly thought about something else as they all hate him. He thought about his career, then quickly thought about something else as he couldn't even get 10 units. He thought about...nothing...he let his mind go blank (surprisingly easy task for him) and struck the ball.

And rapped it straight into the cup. +1 on the hole and -6 on the course. A new record. Johnny_Dickfingers' reign of terror was over. Taradiddle_'s reign of terror could now begin.

With news of Tara's victory spreading across the country, challengers immediately came forward thinking it was fluke. Chief among them were his own family members, Marlowe and Aomame who couldn't believe Tara capable of such feats. It was a fair view given the evidence and one that was likely shared by many around the globe. 

They were joined for their round by TeddySanders, reinvigorated in his quest to break par, not quite realising that other people doing well didn't mean he would do any better himself. Regardless, he turned up and brought his own clubs, so he was allowed to join in.

It was fortunate for Marlowe that he did, because the two of them were both fucking useless. It was a more tedious watch than a Charlie_Pavanno thread, with even less viewers. Teddy was 2 over after three but Marlowe was making him look like Johnny_Dickfingers reborn, bagging a bogey at the first, losing a ball at the second to score a TeddySanders-esque triple, finishing it off with a double at the third. He was a course record +6 after 3. Aomame had done his best to cancel out an opening eagle with two bogeys and was boringly level par. 

Marlowe, evidently hurt and ashamed by comparisons to TeddySanders found himself an eagle at the 4th before reverting to type at TLOWITC with a now customary double bogey. Teddy went bogey, birdie to stay nonchalantly average and Aomame slipped to one over with a missed putt.

The three ball radically improved at Incogntio getting eagles all round. Well, other than TeddySanders who went double bogey, obviously. It was becoming a long afternoon for spectators, having had to endure a midnight flurry of shit stories the evening before, and they were fast losing interest in the shitshow unfolding before them. Aomame gave them something to cheer, when he hit Marlowe with a ball. He also got a birdie at Anita which drew a smattering of applause.

With two holes left to play, Marlowe was seemingly on course to replace Mikhail as the worst player to ever grace the AvardTa National at +5. Teddy was about average for his level, also +5 and Aomame was a very respectable -2 which begs the question as to why the narration has made him out to be shite. Who knows?

He lived up to his billing by joining TeddySanders with a bogey, whilst Marlowe managed to stop the rot with a par and an entirely unjustified fist pump. Teddy was on his 5th time around the course and was actually getting worse. At +6 with just the last, the hardest hole on the course to go, he was dangerously close to outdoing Mikhail and his other terrible effort and setting a new record low.

Somehow, some way, the threat of being the biggest loser to ever take to the fairways inspired him and he scrambled home an eagle. A terrible score of +4, but not a Mikhail, and when you're as rubbish as Teddy, that was all that matters. Marlowe avoided joining the wooden spoon club with a birdie of his own on the last to end on an equally disappointing +4. Aomame meanwhile had decided not to take Avard's money and politely fucked up the last to end bogey, bogey and level par for the day. Some might say, why even bother playing?

Taradiddle_ had seen off his first round of challengers as king of the course and promised to celebrate in true diddle style. We assume that was by dicing his earnings and not tipping the FBN.

Ainsley_Harriot took some time out of the kitchen to have a crack at the course, still in his chef's whites. 

He cooked up a bogey at the first, roasted Trollbait with an eagle, simmered the 3rd, 4th and 5th with pars, before forgetting to turn the oven off and burning the fuck out of Incognito with a double bogey. His famous plastered on smile faded with another dropped shot at Anita, leaving him a disappointing +2 after 7 holes. 

At this point we suggested he stop and have a spot of lunch, maybe recharge the batteries. He told us to fuck off and keep our advice to ourselves. He sure showed us with a bogey at Pole Position.

The final hole had been much kinder of late, belying it's billing as the toughest on the course and the average was now 4.27 strokes at the hole, making it 3rd behind Takedown and Pole Position. Ainsley similarly cashed in, getting a birdie on the last and ending his day on a high note. He quaffed his toque blanche and told everyone just how much he enjoyed his afternoon. Eve, who had politely agreed to caddie for him today, enthusiastically agreed.

A final score of +2 meant no money from Avard and a mid-table position on the leaderboard. It now looked like this:

TeddySanders dominating the participation award and nothing else.

With how popular Mafia Golf had become (with TeddySanders), Avard was going to host the first tournament in coming days/weeks and would be delighted if everyone joined. In the interim, everyone is still welcome to try their hand at beating Taradiddle_'s majestic -6 and definitely battering Mikhail's terrible +5.

After several hours hard drinking at the bar, Johnny's disbelief and bar beating self-harm had abated enough for the better man inside to emerge. The triple strength white russians he'd been throwing back like milkshake, had done their job. Johnny's speech was mostly vowels now and the magnanimous good will that had swept over him was only really detectable in gestures. He flopped off the bar stool and peeled across the clubhouse bar toward the amassed well wishers surrounding Taradiddle_ . Johnny greeted him with a boss-eyed dribbling smile.

"Taradiddle_ ... or Taradiddle_  or however you pronounce it.... You Irish? You must be Irish. Ah now be off wid ye. I am, well, can be, the bigger man here. I'll admit defeat and hand the crown to a man, maybe a great man. Maybe not. Maybe just a lucky fucker... Who knows? Still, the result remains the same. You won, man. You won. And I, for one, would like to say congratulations! A magnificent achievement. For a mere mortal such as yourself, to beat a virtual deity such as I... Well, enjoy the sunshine of this day my friend."

He stretched out a hand to shake Taradiddle_ 's but missed and expended all his remaining energy on an elaborate spin to avoid falling flat on his useless drunk face. Like a mortally wounded animal, he summoned what was left of his departing marbles to lock the new champion in a steely combative gaze.

"You! Well done. You can remain champion. Let's see how long you hold the crown. Believe me when I say, it grows heavier by the day...Me? I'm off to focus my energies on the fight game. A few blows from the old champ before it's time to sleep..."

He turned and lent in the direction of the door, hoping momentum would kick in and his legs would remember what to do. Which they just about did.

"Bon voyage, motherfuckers!"

And with that, poof, he was gone.

Teddy arrived back at the course, determined not to be beaten, sixth time lucky he placed the his ball on the tee of the first hole, with an almighty crack he drove to ball down the fairway, taken out an iron and just clipping the ball gracefully it sunk into the hole for an eagle, throwing his arms up in the air, an eagle start was more than he could of hoped for, pencilling a -2 on his score card he picked his ball up from out the cup and trotted off to the hole 2. 

Hole 2 a daunting par 5 Teddy had struggled on this hole the previous 5 times, a perfect tee shot to start again, Teddy was on fire the first two holes, a slightly hooked wood shot were put Teddy into the bunker, not the ideal place he wanted to be, a short sandwedge out onto the green would allow him to putt for a birdie leaving him at -3 after the first two holes, this was defiantly  his best start ever but he would not get carried away still 7 holes were between him and glory. 

Hole 3 saw Teddy smash another eagle leaving his score at a -5 but that was short lived with a disaster at the 4th and the return to a double bogey putting him back down to -3, the nerves were getting to him, on the short walk to the 5th hole Teddy would compose himself take a drink of water and a deep breath. A ball of nerves on the 5th somehow he manages to get a birdie bringing this score back to -4 with only 4 holes remaining only a total melt down surely would stop Teddy atleast managing par this turn round. 

Saving par on the sixth, Teddy signed with relief hooking his drive into the rough and cutting it back to the fair way and just about putting it, maybe the luck with start to be on his side. Another birdie on the 7th and an overall score of -5 going into the final two holes had Teddy feeling great. Approaching the penultimate hole, place the ball down on the tee another par 5 and Teddy hated these. A shanked tee shot into the trees was not a great start two iron shots finally he was back on the fairway and where he wanted to be another iron shot saw Teddy land on the green saving this for Par would be something Teddy thought to himself and with that he ended up 3 yards short with the putt, walking up and tapping it in finally for a dreaded bogey. 

The final hole, Teddy sat on -4, a smashing tee shot saw the ball land perfect in the center of the fair way landing the ball around 150 yards short of the hole, Teddy took out his iron with the mind set of landing the ball in a perfect position on the green, he clipped it up it stuck the green rolling out towards the flag and in his amazement instead of stopped as intended it carried on and dropped straight into the cup, Teddy leapt into the air throw the iron up and celebrate finishing with an eagle and a overall score of -6.

Teddy approached the leader board where AvardT was adjusting it =1 it read with Taradiddle_ he shook AvardT hand. 

"I will be back, to become number one and not just jointed number one" He laughed as he headed upstairs of the clubhouse for a well earned drink.

Avard was balls deep in daiquiri and cocaine, looking up at the leaderboard in the clubhouse through bleary eyes that made all the names kind of mush together. One name near to the top and at the bottom stood out, TeddySanders.

"I'll miss you, Ted," Avard said to the empty room. "Your love of the game and hatred of loving to women kept this place going."

He stood up and took a closer look at the names on the board, reminiscing fondly about their rounds.

Taradiddle_'s hole in one. Teddy's triple bogey. Teddy's second and third and fourth triple bogies; such good memories. It was back to the dirt for many of his former players and Avard wondered what would be best for the course. He sniffed and dabbed away a small tear that was skating down his cheek.

"Avard." 

He glanced over, hearing the nasal drawl of his Don, Don Eve of Eve's Eve Crew coming from near the doorway. "Boss." He said, looking puzzled, "what are you doing here? Your daily round isn't due to start for another 45 minutes?" 

"I've come to give you this." She said, reaching into her personalised monochrome golf bag and fishing out a fat wad of cash which smelled like cigarettes. "Here," she said holding it out to Avard.

"What's this for, boss?" He asked. Eve liked everyone in the family to call her boss. 

"To get your tournament up and running and to stop you moping around here like a little bitch. I want to sponsor it." 

"You do?" Avard asked surprised. He wasn't surprised because of her supposed lack of interest in golf, because he knew that was just a front. It was an open secret in the family that every morning Eve would put on her favourite set of tartan trousers, the matching cardigan Aomame had knitted for her, grab her clubs and head down to the AvardTa National. No, his surprise was because she was usually so tightfisted.

"Of course I do, you doofus. Anything to get you to stop whinging." She said before slinging her clubs back over her shoulder, "and keep letting people practice in the mean time. I'll need a playing partner at some point." 

Avard smiled and thumbed through the wad of notes. The club was still open for business and the tournament had just found itself a patron.