With sign-ups finally completed, Avard retired to the AvardTa National Course to ensure it was ready for the opening of the highly anticipated Invitational. He was pleased with progress, the newly erected "Sponsored by Posner Investment Trust" banner stood proudly near to the tee box at the first hole, Takedown, and the hospitality marquee was spacious enough to host all the great and the good he could muster.

He looked to his left at the satisfyingly large scoreboard displaying the names of all 28 participants and couldn't resist a smile. The magnificent E.L.G. Trophy sat regally upon the podium beside it's eponymous benefactor, Eve herself. It had taken a lot of convincing to bring her out into public, but her love of golf had finally conquered her fear of the outdoors. Avard offered her a wave grateful for the support of Don Eve of Eve's Eve crew as she stalked over towards him.

"This better make us money, Avard," she hissed nervously rubbing her hands together, probably imagining they were filled with coins. "You know what'll happen if it doesn't."

Avard swallowed hard. "Of course, boss. I mean we might not make a lot of money but," he noticed her eyebrow raise menacingly. "Probably something. Maybe. Well I might be a couple of million in the red at the end of it...," he finished lamely.

Eve charged to within an inch of his face, with a rapidly growing fury displacing the usual merriment in her eyes. All earlier tension at being outside had vanished. "Listen to me, dickhead," she spat. "If we don't clear at least $5,000,000 from this, you'll be wishing, begging, to go John_Wick. Do you understand?"

"Yes, boss." Avard said, hoping she would stop jabbing him in the chest with her sausage fingers if he just agreed. Thankfully she did, mouthing $5,000,000 at him one more time before turning on her heel. Avard sighed. It was going to be a long couple of days. 

"On the tee from Corktown, Detroit...McSteamy!" The announcer called as the first participant made his way to the tee. There was a generous round of applause from the spectators, clearly enjoying the free drinks Avard had provided, much to Eve's chagrin. McSteamy basked in the adoration of the crowd before finally addressing the ball and a slight waggle of the hips later, struck the opening shot of the Avard Invitational.

A strong start to proceedings by McSteamy, who carded an impressive -1 to open up the day. He delighted fans with solid early putts, taking birdies from Takedown (1), Trollbait (2), Shall I take a Pro? (3) and Incognito (6). Unfortunately he managed to sandwich a rather unsightly +2 at the 5th which stopped him from doing even better.

Being in the clubhouse for -1 was something his playing partner William_Pratt could only dream of. He lived up to his billing as a walking corpse tremendously well, dovetailing perfectly with McSteamy's birdie, birdie, birdie opening gambit with a return of bogey, bogey, bogey. Unfortunately for Bill, sporting only a Union Jack flag across his nethers the damage didn't stop there; a solitary birdie at Anita was the only highlight of his round. He trundled away as limp as his flaccid performance, with only a +5 Mikhail to his name. He wasn't making the cut.

McSteamy's clubhouse lead didn't last long, as he was quickly outdone by another Corktown resident, Dubliner, who carded a mighty -4. It could have been even better for him had it not been for a late collapse at Pole Position (8) and Champion (9), where 2 bogeys denied him a course-record equaling -6. 

There was more good news for LoBo who produced a superb eagle, eagle finish to take a measly +1 to a beautiful -3, tucking him in nicely behind Dubliner. Lou_Quine joined him in the under par club, but Buffalo-Bill and Brutus were looking cut adrift at +2 and +1 respectively.

"How much have we lost so far?" Eve snapped at Avard, as TheVirginian came within inches of securing a hole-in-one at the 8th hole. The cries from the crowd were melted away by the heat of Eve's rage at the prospect of lost revenue.

"Well he missed the shot so no more than before....$1,000,000 for the best and worst and $500,000 for any hole-in-ones," Avard answered without looking her in the eye. He felt Eve relax a little.

"So that's it, just $2,000,000?"

"Er...yeah. And the prize money of $10,000,000..."

"YOU FUCKING WHAT?!" Eve screamed, knocking Avard's drink out of his hand. "$10,000,000?!"

Avard sighed. It might have been better when she just hated them through the window.

The current and former champion were playing partners with Johnny_Dickfingers and Taradiddle_ out to tackle Dubliner at the top of the leaderboard. It was a strong start with both collecting easy birdies at the first, whilst Johnny managed to add to his tally with another and pull 1 clear of Taradiddle. He was only the second man, after McSteamy, did hit birdies on the first two holes and he was, typically, smug as fuck about it.

"How's that course record looking now, eh?" Johnny shouted at Tarariddle_'s back. He pulled at the lapels of his green jacket flashing his best smile and ten-dick salute to the watching crowd as he plucked his ball out of the hole.

"Long day yet, Dickfingers." Tara said over his shoulder, refusing to get involved in a battle of wills. 

Johnny's grin got even broader. He could feel his redemption at hand.

A bogey at the Shall I take a Pro (3) for Johnny_Dickfingers, together with Taradiddle_'s birdie meant that they had flipped around through 3 holes with Tara -2 and Johnny at -1. A wayward tee shot and a missed putt on Purge List (4) saw Tara slip back to Even with a fat double Marlowe (+2). Johnny meanwhile hit a glorious iron straight into the cup for an eagle 2. 

"3 under par, Avard! Ha!" Johnny laughed, each of his fingers at full tilt. "I told you I would come back and whip these fucking chumps. Eh? Didn't I? Didn't I?!" 

"Yes, Johnny. You were very confident." Avard said through gritted teeth. Anyone but this fucking guy, he thought to himself. He picked up his pace to catch up with a dejected looking Taradiddle_.

"What's up, champ?" asked Avard, desperately hoping Tara's race wasn't already run.

"It's getting to me, Avard."

"What is?" Avard said, looking around but not seeing much beyond the rolling fairways of the AvardTa National course.

"The pressure! Eve's told me I have to win and give her the whole $10,00,000," he hissed, his voice dropping to a whisper in case she heard him. She was watching, Avard could feel her beady little eyes on the back of his neck, probably calculating the worth of chopping him and selling his organs even then.

"Shit!" Avard paused in thought. "Listen, I think we have raised enough in sponsorship money to placate her for now, you need to just worry about beating this lummox." He gestured to the swaggering Dickfingers.

"Really? We've got enough to satisfy her?" Tara asked sounding skeptical. Avard wasn't surprised, Eve's lust for money would have made King Midas blush.

"Really!" Avard gave him a pat on the back. "You've got this!" 

An immediate bogey followed. Fortunately, Dickfingers found the trap and lost a couple of shots himself. A par at the next for Tara meant that he found himself left him 1 over with 4 to play and Dickfingers' birdie meant he was -2. Taradiddle needed a miracle if he was going to threaten the leaderboard and some serious work to even make the cut. 

Maybe it was Avard's pep talk, maybe it was not having to live in fear of Eve, whatever the reason, Taradiddle_ began to live up to his reputation as course record holder. Back to back eagles at 7 and 8 took him from +1 to -3 and a rare birdie at Champion (9) culminated in a table topping round of -4.

Johnny meanwhile seemed like he had started to hit the ball with his cock. A disastrous final three holes produced three dropped shots and a promising -1 round had turned into a cut-inducing +1.

There were some other notable performances on the first day of play. NickTorres produced a wonderful birdie, eagle, eagle finish to drop into 4th place on the leaderboard at -2. Pyornkrachzark defied early predictions that bad names meant bad golfers, heading to the clubhouse in 6th spot, whilst Aomame demonstrated Pyornkrachzark was the exception to the rule, heading in with a Detroit worst +4. Eve's vengeance would be terrible. Marlowe managed to avoid too many of his namesakes and was clinging on to a top 10 spot, whilst ZebrishRedd was threatening everyone in sight when only able to must a par.

The real battle in the latter part of the afternoon came between Boydy, Wayne and LillisMolly to see who could be the most terrible golfer of all time. Between the three of them, they managed to achieve the following AvardTa records:

• Worst ever score: +7 (Wayne, Boydy)
• Lowest ever total rolls: 2966 (Wayne)
• Round without any shots under par: Tied (LillisMolly, Wayne)
• Most consecutive number of dropped shots: 7 (Boydy)
• Highest number of double bogeys in a round: 3 (Boydy)

It was Wayne's round of +7 and a score of 2966 that was now leading the charge for the $1,000,000 booby prize. I suppose that justifies being rubbish. It the event that nobody performs worse than +7, Boydy will earn one of Levey_Posner's kindly donated mapping credits as a consolation prize.

With a handful of rounds still remaining on the course, the cut looks like it is going to fall at -1, with anyone Even (0) or worse being eliminated. I'll be back later with another AvardTremendous update. 

Avard looked out proudly at the assembled players, friends and family who had joined him in the hospitality tent at the close of play. The first day have been a roaring success and, with a tip of his glass in the direction of Levey_Posner at the sponsors table, he made his way towards the stage. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, after 28 glorious rounds of golf, I am delighted to report that the curtain has fallen over the first day of play at the Avard Invitational."

Avard paused to let an expectant hush settle across the marquee. He allowed it to stretch out a little bit longer than was necessary before continuing. 

"We have experienced some beautiful moments; TheVirginian a fraction away from a hole-in-one, Taradiddle_ going eagle, eagle birdie to top the leaderboard and Boydy taking a well earned break from not finishing Fight Night to get eliminated from this tournament at the first hurdle." This drew a smattering of laughter from the guests and a loud amount of heckling from Wayne's table.

"Memories that will stick with us all forever, I'm sure. Anyway," Avard said clapping his hands together. "The moment you've all been waiting for...the standings!" 

Avard gestured and the guests began a painfully twee drum roll. Savoring his moment in the spotlight for as long as possible, Avard slowly stalked towards the leaderboard which had been covered with a pristine white sheet. He whipped it away with a flourish.

Leaderboard - Day 1

T1	Taradiddle_	-4	5699
T1	Dubliner	-4	5395
3	LoBo	-3	5370
T4	Jimmythelionheart	-2	5845
T4	Hunter_Everett	-2	5170
T4	NickTorres	-2	4809
T7	Lou_Quine	-1	5229
T7	Pyornkrachzark	-1	5039
T7	McSteamy	-1	4859
T7	Marlowe	-1	4763
T7	phillistein-	-1	4519
T12	----------CUT------------ TheCat	0	5149
T12	Connect	0	4940
T12	ZebrishRedd	0	4654
T12	Charlie__Pavanno	0	4357
T16	Johnny_Dickfingers	1	4648
T16	TheVirginian	1	4630
T16	Brutus	1	4465
T19	CJ-West	2	4452
T19	Anne_Oakely	2	4345
T19	Buffalo-Bill	2	3939
22	Reggie-Noble	3	4385
T23	Aomame	4	3744
T23	Alexus	4	3633
T25	LillisMolly	5	3501
T25	William_Pratt	5	3221
T27	Boydy	7	3182
T27	Wayne	7	2966

"As you can see, we have a tie at the top of the leaderboard with Taradiddle_ and Dubliner both shooting -4. Closely behind them we have LoBo in 3rd on his own. His playing partner for day two will be Jimmythelionheart, followed by Hunter_Everett and NickTorres. Lou_Quine and Pyornkrachzark will be third to tee off after McSteamy and Marlowe."

"As more than 10 players finished within the cut, we have an odd number for the day two pairings and phillistein- is currently playing alone. I have decided that we can't let the man go all Dante, and instead he needs a friend out there with him. Therefore I will allow any of those who have failed to make the cut to present their case as to why they should be allowed to continue their round tomorrow. If successful, they will remain in the tournament and have a chance to win!" Avard allows the murmurs to pass around the assembly before adding, "and in the event that nobody comes forward to make a worthwhile case for themselves or someone else. I'll pick one!"

He quietly steps down from the stage and, ever the lick-spittle, heads straights to the sponsors table to buy them some more drinks. Watching on, Eve's knuckles are white around her own glass of tap water. 

He fired his caddie yesterday after the qualification-round and also sold all his clubs and mad a promise to never again play GOLF in his life.

Damn game, it aint even a sport and he hated it so much but he salutes al lthat made the cut and hope that the winner is good and will be honored like a champ.

After the short speech, Reggie makes his way over and buys the sponsor as well as AvardT a drink as well. 

"hello, I wanted to go ahead a step forward, and the reason why I would like to continue on with the tournament, even tho I finished 3 above, I was actually not using my clubs due to time restraints, I was forced to use a friends, which was not a fit to my own frame therfore making it a bit difficult, but being a youngster in this thing, i would like another try."

he says as he takes another drag of his blunt. 

Johnny had spent the larger part of the afternoon in the bar, trying desperately to reconcile his own myth with the events of the afternoon's round. Tara had thrown him. For sure Avard's motivational speech must have breached all kinds of ethical boundaries but Johnny was used to a bastard in the pipe here and there. He couldn't focus on that. Fact is, he'd got a little edgy at the sheer numbers of entrants to the invitational and had possibly sunk three or four too many before tee-time. The weary look on the bartender's face said it all. He'd sat here too long and needed to be the bigger dick, face the music and bow out with some semblance of grace. He slid off his stool and learning nothing from his internal monologue, took the tumbler of white russian with him.

As he headed to the steps outside, he saw Avard making his announcement. This must be it. Divinely ordained. Old gold Johnny-the-magic-cock-champion-of-men-Dickfingers, could indeed ride again. He tried to suppress his excitement and sauntered toward the host. Looking more drunken desperado than international playboy, he placed a massive pissed hand on Avard's shoulder.

"My friend. If history teaches us anything it's that we should respect champions. And. I was the first! And for the longest time, the very best of all men. Bigger than most too, but that's besides the point. Fact is, today I wasn't at my best. I was slightly too loose and Tara managed to pull out his absolute best to narrowly beat me. Even in that terrible round, there were undeniable moments of genius and, if I'm given the chance, I'll come back tomorrow alert, sharp, ready. You'll see the real Dickfingers magic. I'll light this place up!

Feeling he'd made his case he downed the remainder of his glass and cast it aside on the grass. Avard sighed and a clubhouse waited collected it discretely while Johnny's theatrics came to their conclusion.

"And anyway, lets face it, what is golf without me? I. Am. Golf! It'd not like the crowds showed up to watch anyone else..."

And with that incredibly uncompelling punchline, he turned and headed with sad inevitability, back in the direction of the bar. 

William wanders over to state his case, of which he was certain... which could almost be a line in a song if someone were on hand to read his mind, and write it down for posterity. Regardless of this side bar, he takes out a packet of Morley's^TM and discovers its empty. Business was bad, nobody bothered coming near his stores, the kittens were eating him out of house and home, and the potential for prize money was the only reason he'd entered the damn contest in the first place. It hadn't been ideal, and had involved a lot of hiding under tree's and trying to take shots from under blankets, which kind of cramps your style, but it was all down to AvardT's decision to totally ignore his severe allergy to sunlight and insist on playing during the day, and not in the late evening or on a floodlit course as he'd requested. Still, William had decided to ignore the fact that AvardT looked like a topographic map of Soiuth Utah, with a face only a Mugger could love... yes, you read that right, its not a typo, AvardT is so hideous not even his own mother loved him, he was so ugly that when he was born the midwife slapped his... never mind, I'm getting sidetracked here, but lets face it, the Narrator is never the centre of focus, always the gimp he narrates. Sighing in exasperation at the empty packet, William balls it up and trows it on the pavement.

"I think you should give Dickfingers there another chance, I mean look at the fella, hideously deformed hands, and even with all that dick he still can't get a bloody woman. I was gonna come out here and plead my own case for why you should let me back in, but do you know what, I don't roll that way, I'm too bleedin' good for that, and I won't debase myself like one of those morrose paedo sparkly Vampires from the West Coast. So yeah, give 'ole dickhands another go, and maybe if he wins he'll be able to do something about that bloody deformity or at least be rich enough that he can aford to buy some female company... or male company, I'm not judging, this is the 30's after all.

Avard sipped the drink Reggie had bought him and listened as first Dickfingers and then William_Pratt waxed lyrical about the merit of the former champ. He frankly wondered if they were talking about someone else, but when Pratt finally shut his yap, and the applause rang out loud and proud, Avard stood from his seat and raised his hands for silence.

"I'm moved by the impassioned pleas you have made for continued participation within the tournament." He said looking around the room. The whole tent looked drunk as fuck and now that Johnny_Dickfingers had set a precedent for throwing things, it could easily spiral out of control. "Allow me a brief consultation with our sponsors."

Avard quickly bent the ear of Levey_Posner who clearly read the room in a similar manner. Avard caught Eve rising from her seat, alone in the corner, away from everyone else and their "germs", and hastily stood to avoid having her try to get the to buy in again. 

"Our sponsors have decided that ALL THREE OF YOU can play another round!" Avard encompassing Johnny, Reggie-Noble and William_Pratt with a sweep of his hands. "And William, because it is now twilight, you can commence your round with Reggie - wouldn't want you to pull any more bitch fits when you're done hacking around!"

Everyone laughed, well aware that William_Pratt was useless. He draped himself in a flag, but he could never hide his inadequacy.

McSteamy had just finished his 2nd round of shots. He started horrendously, but he got the swing down pat after the first few holes. Then he strokes his way to the finish line as he looks over to AvardT. 

Man! That was rough. I dont even want to see the score card. 

He wipes the sweat of his forehead and looks back in AvardT's direction

How'd I do? 

AvardT hands him the card. Surprised McStemy looks up. 

So where is the live scoreboard? This is getting way to close for me. 

He looks over at Brutus and gives him the nod. He eventually starts strolling over to his general direction. By the time McSteamy slow paces his way to where Brutus was sitting. Brutus had a cold beer and a cigar ready for McSteamy to relax his nerves as the live leaderboard ticked on. 

Avard had hoped to get the pairs off in order, but that had proved impossible. Despite whining like a little bitch over playing conditions for his first round William_Pratt hadn't bothered to take Avard up on the offer of a twilight session. Instead, he had smashed back another Bloody Mary and fell face first into the grass. It was unclear if he was still breathing and nobody seemed to care.

Similarly Johnny_Dickfingers was chomping at the bit to demonstrate he was in fact king of the universe and not a complete shithouse like most people suspected. He refused to wait his turn and was soon teeing off before the announcer could even notify the tee box of his arrival. Avard sighed and watched the scoreboard.

 

LIVE SCOREBOARD

 

It was going to be an interesting couple of days seeing how this one turned out. Avard wondered if Taradiddle_ could really be Champion and course record holder at the same time; he wondered if Marlowe would be able to avoid doing...well, a Marlowe and he wondered if anyone would be able to wrestle the ELG Trophy out of the hands of one of Don Eve's Eve Crew's grimy clutches.

"Hey, Avard!" One of the bar staff called, barely audible over the sound of retching. "William's awake!"

Nick studied the leaderboard a terrible last 3 holes had caused him to sit 5th in the standing just about making the cut and being able to play out the final day. A scored difference of 4 was a big ask for Nick who's personal best on the course was on a 2 under par, he would need to pull out all the stops and rest well so he is fresh for the third and final round to come about.

It was a perfect day for golf (like any other day) and Reggie-Noble and playing partner Johnny_Dickfingers were determined to make the most of it. Reggie's opening par settled the nerves, whilst Dickfingers pulled his par putt 3 feet left of the cup, much to the surprise of the crowd and himself. After a 5 minute rant about being cheated, he eventually picked up his ball and stormed off to Trollbait (2), leaving Reggie looking nonplussed at the outburst in his wake.

Reggie went one better at the next, taking him to -1 for his round, but Johnny could only get another bogey, belying his earlier claims of being a champion. He was +2 and smashed his putter into the green in frustration, leaving a large divot in the turf.

"Why did you let that fucking retard back in?" @Eve said, hair flailing wildly as she flapped her arms at Avard. In that moment, she resembled a rather annoyed, particularly disheveled looking pigeon. 

"He made his case and William_Pratt pleaded for him to.."

"WILLIAM_PRATT?!" screamed Eve, moving from disheveled pigeon to bitter harridan without missing a beat. "That little dummy who doesn't wear any clothes? You listened to him?" 

Avard sensed he was on thin ice and knew he had to be careful. "That's right, boss. The guy who thinks he's a vampire."

Eve frowned. "Vezux? What's he got to do with anything?"

"No, Will-"

"Do you mean Savannah?"

"No, William_Pratt." Avard said. "I guess there are quite of lot of vampire pretenders around....sorry," he added, lamely.

Eve stood with her hands on her hips, taking a few deep calming breaths. Avard felt himself wincing in anticipation.

"I've been patient with you, Avard," she said and Avard had to bite down hard on his cheek to avoid a derisive snort escaping. "But you promised me this would make us...."serious money," she paused and fixed him with a hard stare. "Do you know how much money we've made so far?"

"Well I haven't exactly counted up all the pennies yet..."

"I bet you fucking haven't. And don't you tell me about the Posner money again," she said, cutting Avard dead. "That just about squares off your lack of earnings while you've been arsing around with this....this...shit." 

"It'll all work out in the end, boss. I promise." 

"For your sake it better," she said, menacingly. After an awkward 30 second stare-down, Eve turned and headed back towards the course. "And get that fucking idiot to pay for the damage to the first green himself," she threw over her shoulder.

Johnny_Dickfingers anger at the exorbitant bill he was presented with for Marlowe'ing up the green seemed to inspire him. An eagle on Shall I take a Pro? (3) and two birdies at TLOWITC (5) and Incognito (6) took him to -1. Reggie meanwhile was majestic, slaying hole after hole and was threatening Taradiddle_'s course record; -5 after 6 holes.

Dubliner and Taradiddle_ watched on from the gallery and Dickfingers fist pumped the crowd after his eagle at the last. He was -2 for the round and -1 overall. Reggie was forced to take a disappointing bogey, but his card of -4 meant he too was -1 overall. Both men looked satisfied with themsleves, although that was nothing new for Johnny, who threw a wad of bill in Avard's face on his way to the clubhouse.

Avard performed a very undignified chase of the notes all across the 18th green, as they blew in the wind. Eve watched on with a faint smile on her lips. The sight of money always cheered her up. 

Two more men took advantage of the perfect conditions of the morning, LoBo and McSteamy. The former launched into an immediate charge for the top of the leaderboard, with a run of three birdies and an eagle, leaving him -5 through 5 holes. McSteamy's putter was on fire, saving him from two poor holes at Takedown (1) and Trollbait (2) before draining a 30ft eagle effort at Purge List (4) much to the delight of the pro Detroit crowd. Two more birdies followed for him at 5 and 6 before a wayward teeshot came back to bite him at Anita. He was -1 with two to play.

LoBo fell back to -4 with a dropped shot at Incognito (6) before two steady pars at Anita (7) and Pole Position (8) saw him maintain that heading into the last. McSteamy meanwhile was coupling his long game to his on-point short game and he finished birdie, birdie to produce a wonderful -3. This was to be matched by LoBo with a three putt at Champion (9), which left him disappointed, although when he saw the leaderboard and applied a fresh round of eye makeup, he would likely cheer up. He was -6 overall and out in front; McSteamy was right in the hunt at -4.

A turn in the weather for the afternoon heralded the arrival of Marlowe with all the pathetic fallacy one could ask for. To say he was shite from start to finish would be an insult to innocent turds everywhere. His terrible performance was epitomised by a 6 shot double bogey at the last, leaving him +4 for the day. His playing partner, Dubliner, looked on scornfully as his own double bogey at the last, likely a result of crap-osmosis from Marlowe, left him even for his round. Still, even with the handicap of accompanying Marlowe, he remainder -4 overall and just 2 shots off the lead.

It was proving to be tough going for the remainder of the field, with over par rounds for phillistein- (+2), Pyornkrachzark (+2), Jimmythelionheart (+2), Lou_Quine (+2) and Hunter_Everett (+1) leaving the heroics of Dubliner's lip out hole-in-one at Incognito (6) a distant memory.

Only the final pairing of Taradiddle_ and NickTorres were holding things together and both had their ups and downs. Tara was +3 after 5 holes and only a stunning, course-record-holder run of birdie, birdie, eagle saw him finish -1 for the round and 2nd overall at -5. The pre-tournament favourite was living up to his billing. Conversely, a disastrous bogey, double bogey finish at Pole Position (8) and Champion (9) saw NickTorres slip from -3 to even for his round, leaving him to wonder what could have been.

With the final afternoon of round 2 slipping away, only William_Pratt was left to play. He would need a spectacular round to make the cut, which was looking set at -1. Could he do it? Could he go -6 and produce one of the rounds of a lifetime, delighting fans and winning admirers across the globe?

No. He may as well have hit the ball with his dick. He was +2 and +7 overall. The leaderboard after the second round looked like this:

Pratt, Marlowe (boo), phillistein-, Pyornkrachzark, Lou_Quine and Jimmythelionheart were all forced to depart. Somehow, two wild card entrants of Dickfingers and Reggie-Noble had slipped into the final round and sat with Hunter_Everett on 1 under and they all remained in with a chance to win the coveted E.L.G. Trophy.

They would need a slip up from those above them though, with NickTorres (-2) chasing the front runners, Dubliner and McSteamy (-4), and the final playing group of Taradiddle_ (-5) and LoBo (-6). 

$10,000,000 was on the table and, much to Eve's dismay, it was time to give it away.

Being slightly intimidaded by LoBo's last round, Taradiddle_ did his utmost best to buy the outcome. Unfortunately, AvardT was as bribeable as a century old Sequouia tree.

Screw it.. I will win it in a fair way, then.. Taradiddle_ prophetically spoke

LoBo hits the ball with ease' and wins...

"LoBo hits the ball with ease' and wins..." Avard heard LoBo muttering to himself as he approached the first tee. It was a strange mantra for someone to repeat to themselves but it was evidently working for him after his back to back 3 under rounds, unlike the eye make up, which made him look like a fanny.

"Good luck, Lo!" He called. "Are you sure you want to go first, you can play last you know?"

"LoBo hits the ball with ease'," LoBo answered, fixing Avard with a hard stare as he addressed his ball. "AND WINS!"

LoBo hit a double bogey at the first and immediately lost his top spot on the leaderboard; his decision to put a marker down was looking as moronic as a Vezux street story. Early nerves were clearly playing a part and although he managed to recover across Shall I take a Pro (3) and Purge List (4), another double at the 5th left him needing something special out of the last 4 holes. 

"LOBO HITS THE BALL WITH EASE'," screamed LoBo, backhanding his caddy as he snatched up his putter. His wild eyes flicked across the spectators, daring any of them to challenge him. His anger was turning into a darkness filled with vengeance the likes of which only a Wise Guy from Seattle could hope to match. "AND WINS!" he roared making contact with his ball.

Avard winced as it sailed 6ft past the hole. A birdie there would have left him +1 for the round and still in contention, but a par at the last meant he had dropped back to -4 overall and was very likely out.

"I win?" LoBo said, holding his club aloft like it was the ELG Trophy as he walked towards Avard.

Avard gave a quick look at Levey_Posner who just shrugged in response. Avard swallowed hard, "er, sure mate, why not?"

"YEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS LOBO CHAMPIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN WIN WITH EASE'''''''''''"

Avard watched him walk away, still roaring with celebration and scratched his head.

Hunter_Everett went the same way as LoBo with a 2 over round, but sadly without any of the histrionics. Eve snickered triumphantly as another round passed without a hole-in-one costing her additional money. Her delight was doubled when McSteamy couldn't repeat any of his 2nd round heroics and after an up and down performance, was left with a disappointing +1 on his card. 

The second to last group, for reasons unknown and not as advertised, was Dubliner and NickTorres. Both men had produced pars in their second rounds and knew they would need to go better today in order to make a run at the crown. A solid opening -2 across the first three holes put Dubliner out in front on -6 overall and NickTorres into 3rd at -4.

Dubliner, ever the gentleman, politely returned the shots he had stolen to the course at Purge List (4) with a generous double bogey and a bogey at TLOWITC (5). NickTorres meanwhile was determined to stay in contention and pilfered so well it would make Robin Hood blush. A remarkable anti-Wayne run of birdie, eagle, birdie at 5, 6 and 7 left him -6 for the day and -8 overall. 

An eagle at Pole Position was just what the doctor ordered for Dubliner, which together with NickTorres, meant he was only 1 behind heading into Champion. Always a tricky hole, the weight of destiny and the pressure of Eve's attention for all time as the person who stole $10m from her were doubtless playing on Nick's mind. He fired out of bounds off the tee and only by refusing to look in her direction for the remainder of the hole did be manage to slink away with a double bogey. He was finished at -6, a feat matched by Dubliner with a disappointing bogey.

Still, they weren't quite in Eve's miserly clutches yet. Taradiddle_ was 1 behind and Johnny_Dickfingers was capable of, well, anything. Who knew what was going to happen?

One thing that was definitely going to happen, was Reggie-Noble was going to play his bloody round as nobody forgot about him, honestly.

Inspired by being overlooked, Reggie took to the course with a fire in his belly quickly opening up to 3 under par with a birdie on Takedown (1) and an eagle on Shall I take a Pro? (3). Another birdie at Purge List (4) and he was -4 for his round and -5 overall, just a single stroke off the pace. A crowd gathered to follow the forgotten man, but three consecutive pars at 5, 6 and 7 and the momentum looked as if it was stalling. 

With a glance up to his homies in the sky, Reggie gathered himself for a final charge at Pole Position (8). A stunning drive and second shot saw him with a 18ft effort for eagle and the lead. He swaggered up to the ball and almost nonchalantly rapped it towards the cup, where it conveniently dropped to the delight of the spectators. He was -6 for his round, tying the course record and -7 overall, 1 shot clear of Dubliner and NickTorres. 

A par or better at the last and he was leading on his own; a bogey and he was in a three way tie. What did our Reg do with the ELG Trophy winking at him? He only got a bloody double bogey. -4 for the day and -5 overall, aka Loserville population: Reggie-Noble.

Johnny and Tara would be next out...assuming nobody else had been missed.