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| Win the News Wars with SpiderPig Industries! | Started by: SpiderPig on Feb 11, '08 01:48 |
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Ladies, gentlemen, and disillusioned, drunken former RonMexicologists. Tonight, The Inquirer began publishing, in a response to what several of their reporters deemed to be a subpar performance from the Mafia Tribune. As an occasional contributor to said Tribune, as well as the son of a onetime regular contributor to said Tribune, I must take offense with this statement--I feel, as long as SpiderPig is gracing the paper with his charismatic ramblings and general sexiness, the paper is as good as ever. But, before I am a writer, I am a businessman--at least, that's what this paper from a fancy East Coast school that Grandpappy's many millions paid for me to go to says. And I recognize a money-making opportunity when I see one. And so, it is with that in mind, that I am offering up a line of SpiderPig's Amateur Newspaper Start-Up Kits for sale to the general public! For the low, low starting price of $129.95, you get all of the following to start your own amateur paper: -A smelly, tobacco-stained basement in Los Angeles. It used to be the "Hooker Research Lab & General Torture Room" in my Grandpa's headquarters, but I don't see that sumbitch ever getting to use again, so we might as well make it useful for something. -A small colony of hobos using said basement as a bedroom/filthy hovel. You bought the place--they're your problem, not mine. Have fun.* -A working printing press. Actually, it's a hooker tortu--uhh, "research rack," but nobody can seem to move it out of the basement, the hobos haven't peed on it too much, and I'm sure with enough ingenuity, it could be a working printing press. Let your imagination run wild. -Several crates of unsold Whiny Wally dolls. Due to their tendency to, uh, kill the owner, these things never did sell well, and they've been sitting down there getting angrier for months now. But I'm sure you can put them to good use. Hell, if you want, I'll even try to reprogram them to advertise your paper!** -Your own personal agenda. Give your paper it's own identnity! Pick from lots of different overused, pre-recorded underlying messages for your rag, including: Everything Sucks!, The Old Days Were Better!, We Need More Leaders!, We Have Too Many Leaders!, War is Bad!, War is Good!, I Love Complaining about Everything!, and of course, SpiderPig is Just Too Damn Sexy! -Occasional guest columns from SpiderPig himself!*** There's too much at stake here. Don't let the News Wars pass you by--purchase yourself the biggest fuckin' guns out there, and stake your claim today! *Hobo removal is offered at additional prices, and not cheap additional prices at that. If not, try flamethrowers. Just keep them away from the "research racks"--that wood burns up real fast. **Again, Whiny Wally reprogramming costs extra. And it isn't really guaranteed to work. But I'll try to try. I swear. ***Guest columns are done on a pay-per-column basis. Riley has paid me handsomely for my work. Expect to do the same. Cash up front. If my column sucks, so be it. No refunds will be offered. All complaints will be redirected to our customer service department (read: locked in the basement with the filthy hobos and hungry, homicidal toys. Good luck). |
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WTF is the Inquirer? L2Read, dumbass. |
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| Reply by: Tarana at Feb 11, '08 01:51 | |
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Realizing his mistake, SpiderPig slaps himself on the forehead Ouch. Really bad habit to get into when you have hooves. To the point, Signore Tarana, I apologize greatly. The late hour and empty scottle of botch have combined, as they are wont to do, to grind my proper-name recognition to a fuzzy blur. Yep, that's the price of success... Pulling another bottle from within his cloak, SpiderPig stumbles down the street, in search of customers |
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| Reply by: SpiderPig at Feb 11, '08 02:06 | |
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| I wonder if you could output better articles for the newspaper if you put this much thought into it? | |
| Reply by: XXX at Feb 11, '08 02:10 | |
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