The Coconut Chronicle
Vol. 1

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Woah, brother! It's, like, the very first edition of the Coconut Chronicle! Your editor, Coconut Randy, here. This edition was a labour of love, man, and though it may not be 'printed' as much as 'etched into loose banana leaf', the dignity is in the details. We intend to cover stories far and wide, brother, no stone left unturned, no Randy left unstoned. That's the Coconut guarantee. 

'DOOB'IOUS RELATIONS?
By: Coconut Randy

Early Saturday morning, Billy "The Doob" Thomas - best friend of Coconut Randy, editor-in-chief of gossip rag The Coconut Chronicle - was reported to have been spotted with notorious ex-girlfriend Morticia, with whom he shared a most acrimonious break-up following allegations of cheating. The Doob had broken things off with Morticia - a totally bogus individual - after she was found to have been spending a little too much time with Jericho, a member of her bi-weekly wiccan meet-up. Ursula, Morticia's best friend and leader of the East Palo Alto wiccan & wiccan associate coven, had initially vouched for Morticia's faithfulness to The Doob but her word was rendered most moot by Soggy Tom, who totally saw Morticia leave with Jericho numerous times during his two-week trial with the group (Editor's note: Soggy Tom has since disassociated himself with the East Palo Alto wiccan & wiccan-associate coven). 

The ex-couple were seen at Centennial Hills Park, where The Doob was reported to have been kicking a hacky sack while Morticia sat and watched. Could a totally unradical mending of relations be underway? More details to come, brother.  

RANDY GOES COCONUTS?
By: Coconut Randy

Rumours abound in Las Vegas last week following the disappearance of Coconut Randy, editor-in-chief of notorious tabloid The Coconut Chronicle. The two-time Dust Bowl survivor was said have locked himself away in a one-bedroom in Reno while experiencing one of the most righteous freakouts of his life, with no one but the loyal Doob at his side. Our source close to the story tells us the situation may even have bordered on the magnitude of the famous Moonstone Beach Incident, which loyal Randy-heads will know as the time The Doob's half-sisters, Cordelia and Myrtle, sold Randy some of the spookiest mescaline in the entire Redondo Beach area; a rare batch cooked up by local legends and fraternal twin brothers Jethro and Julius themselves, due to them all having been bangin' each other at the time. After The Doob's step-mom Bunny had waived her customary first bidding rights, one of an exclusive club of substances capable of handing Randy & The Doob a total and utter tatering dropped serendipitously into their possession. 

Though the cause of this latest episode remains unclear, our source went on to divulge that Coconut Randy had not only experienced a full recovery, but had also stumbled upon a conspiracy so sinister and far-reaching, the likes of you or I would be in danger simply for having knowledge of it. 

A SINISTER AND FAR-REACHING CONSPIRACY
By: Coconut Randy

Should you be worried about the safety of yourself and your family? Coconut Randy, investigative reporter for muckraking schlock The Coconut Chronicle, is said to be working on blowing the lid off a scandal that could rock this little dream we call society to its core, man. In a letter addressed to this newspaper, Randy asserts that a conspiracy which begins in New York City, involving an unnamed crime boss seen omnipresently throughout the streets, reaches into the highest stations of Big Business and governmental office. Doubling down on his claim, Randy contended it would make small potatoes of the time his second cousin Drexel had, as student council president of East Palo Alto High,  pushed through legislation removing term limits, allowing him to remain head of the council through his fifth, sixth, and seventh years of high school. 

When pressed for further details or comment, Coconut Randy declined to speak to the media until concrete evidence could be provided, fearing for the lives of his loved ones, such as The Doob and his on-and-off girlfriend, Stinky Susannah. 

More details to follow.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

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Dear Coconut Randy,

The Doob here! Heh heh heh heh. Alright, Doob out!

Signed, 
 The Doob

Dear Doob,

Far out, brother! Heh heh heh heh. 

Signed, 
 Coconut Randy

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Dear Randy,

Have you heard from your cousin Silas recently? We fear the worst.

Love, 

Your Aunt Beulah

Dear Aunt Beulah,

Silas is shacking up here now with one of Cordelia's friends. You remember Cordelia, right? She is The Doob's half-sister. Silas' wife is named Ingrid and she is a witch in the East Palo Alto wiccan & wiccan-associate coven. They have a son and his name is Pinnochio. Hope you are well.

Yours,

Coconut Randy

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