The Coconut Chronicle
Vol. 2

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

The Coconut Chronicle would like to extend a very warm mahalo to the 18 people who stopped to consider buying a copy of our debut edition last week. Even though you passed on the offer, volume 2 wouldn't be here today without those sweet, encouraging moments of indecision. Buckle up for round 2 because you know what we say: no stone left unturned, no Randy left unstoned. That's the Coconut guarantee.

ARCHIVE:

The Coconut Chronicle, Vol. 1
Special Report: Invasion of the Right-Hand Babies

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THE MOST ELIGIBLE LEFT-HAND IN AMERICA
By: Coconut Randy

The streets were on fire this weekend with rumours that Coconut Randy, chief proprietor of scandal rag The Coconut Chronicle, had been spotted around town in a very expensive new suit. Word had it that Randy, not usually seen in anything beach-intolerant, had earned himself the position of Left-Hand Man with The Renegades, a new outfit set up on The Strip in the wake of the untimely death of Da-Kine.

If true, it signifies the stunning rise to power of a man who close friends describe generously as 'alive', and whose songs Big Rick at Radio 101.1 The Tide refuses to even listen to, even though if he did he might realize they are totally the vibe he is looking for. In fact, if Big Rick were to give them a chance, he would realize production values have improved remarkably since 'Coconut Love Cruise' the first single from Coconut Randy & backing group, The Coconut Bandy. It remains to be seen if Coconut Randy's newfound success will have any effect on Big Rick's stewardship of Radio 101.1 The Tide's morning playlist. 

OPEN WIDE, DETROIT 
By: Coconut Randy

Detroit City, get ready to rumble! Following an announcement by Seattle figurehead Dominick and the blessing of Vegas kingpin Mikhail, the Motor City has emerged as the stomping ground of five new families, listed as follows:

• Bricktown: Mikari.
• Corktown: Jadon & NikkiOsavkovska.
• 12th Street: SeanCallan & Sharpe.

No buy-in fee. No bodyguard limit. No outside assistance. Just five party people and their party people friends doing the conga line of death. A period of 10 days has been set before the elbow-nudging can begin and we at The Coconut Chronicle want to hear your thoughts: What alliances will form? What romances will blossom? Who will be the first voted off the island? And who will stand tall as Godfather Chairman supreme when all is said and done? 

Address any and all opinions, anonymous or otherwise, to Coconut Randy, Editor-in-Chief, The Coconut Chronicle, or to anonymous key: b77bc4a4fbb478ea936b68490a2c4884. What you say may be printed in Volume 3. 

THIS EDITION'S MAFIOSO

By: Coconut Randy

In this new column - from the brilliant mind of Coconut Randy, writer of 'Invasion of the Right-Hand Babies', the report that shook a nation - we will be shining the spotlight on individuals in the business; whether bold or beautiful, young or old, rich or poor, one mafiosi each edition will make the cut as...This Edition's Mafioso!

And without further ado, This Edition's Mafioso is...

Hammers4! Son of the incredible Hammers3! And with all due respect to Hammers past, present and future, quite possibly the best Hammer of the bunch. Our man is loud, proud and picketpocket friendly! And not just for everyone, but family members too! Get in those pockets, fam! 

When not crediting all those who contributed to the rise of Hammers, Hammers2, Hammers3 and himself, Hammers4 can be found at North Shore Import/Export operating out of The Loop, Chi-Town, where he serves as a wise guy to Consigliere crime boss phillistein-. Congratulations Hammers4! We cannot wait for what Hammers5 has in store.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
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Dear Coconut Randy,

Left hand man? Way to sell-out. We thought you were a man of the people but it turns out you're just another square in a suit! Death to the 1%, man!

Regards,
 Anonymous Reader

Dear Anonymous Reader,

What? I can't hear you from up here!

Yours, 
Coconut Randy

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Dear Randy,

Your Aunt Beulah again, from volume one. Please tell Silas to come home.

Love,
 Aunt Beulah

Dear Aunt Beulah,

I'm sorry. Silas, Ingrid the witch, and their son Pinnochio are very happy here. I also fear Ingrid's departure may throw the council of the East Palo Alto wiccan & wiccan-associate coven - of which she plays a minor but important mediating role - into a state of disarray. As a prominent small business owner in the community, Coconut Randy believes that is something the East Palo Alto region cannot abide by at this time.

All the best, 
Coconut Randy

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"How are we looking, brother Doob?"

Coconut Randy waited while his loyal friend, The Doob, sorted through their latest batch of mail. The shutters were down over the windows of Coconut Chronicle HQ - the apartment Randy and The Doob shared - and Doob squinted his bloodshot eyes to read the letter headings. There didn't seem like much to be spoken for. Times were tough for the budding newspapermen but they had seen tough times out before.

One time, in particular, The Doob's half-sisters Myrtle and Cordelia had kicked Randy and The Doob out of their apartment, where the duo had been staying while in between places and jobs, and which they already shared with their boyfriends, Snot and California Bill. It had thrust Randy and The Doob into a life on the streets, which soon became a life in the woods, and soon after a life in a cave. But good things happen to good people and by the second week they were renting the non-wet side out to California Bill for start-up cash, due to Cordelia having caught him wearing Myrtle's clothes when no one else was home. It wasn't long before they were back on their feet. 

The Doob and Randy moved back into town and patched things up with Myrtle and Cordelia at California Bill's funeral about a month later, so all's well that ends well. Thinking back on those times, Coconut Randy was sure they would find a way to make this paper a success.