The Coconut Chronicle

Vol. 3

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Greetings one and all to edition #3 of The Coconut Chronicle! And thank you to our readers for attending our meet-and-greet last week at the East Palo Alto community center. It was a fun and insightful evening, full of laughs and chummery. Given the double-booking with the East Palo Alto wiccan & wiccan-associate coven, the center could only provide us with 4 chairs, so we would like to extend our apologies to the two readers who had to stand. Still, we were very encouraged by the 100% subscriber turn-out. We hope you enjoy another week of our brand of daring investigative reporting, because you know what we say: no stone left unturned, no Randy left unstoned. 

ARCHIVE

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 1

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 2

Special Report: Invasion of the Right-Hand Babies

-

PROGRESSIVE PASADENA
By: Coconut Randy

An unusual move in Pasadena this week as Isorin, a Made Man, was authorized by district leader, Princess, to branch off and take charge of his own outfit. It isn't every day a person so recently entered into the books is awarded such a privilege but The Sophisticates always leaned a bit more progressive and European than the rest of us. God only knows what kind of disgusting cabbage soups and casual nudity goes on over there. 

One citizen, recently returned from vacationing in the district, was dismayed to find that "they only ate thin meats", while another added to our on-site reporter that the tasteful residents were "giving his wife un-American thoughts". The Coconut Chronicle sent intrepid investigate reporter, Coconut Randy, to the district seeking an official comment but he was quickly chased away by a crowd of well-dressed, wine-drunk children. 

THE 230 MILLION DOLLAR MAN
By: Coconut Randy

Philadelphia Consigliere NotoriousBIG, leader of the Liberty Street Elites, was the subject of a 230 million dollar hitlisting earlier this week, sending shockwaves throughout the working class of the nation. The incident stands as another signal of the growing income disparity between the blue-collar mafioso and the 1%, where even anonymous vendetta-holders sit on enough wealth to place cynical, meaningless hits on mob leaders. 

The hit posting, which was accompanied by the message "Let's go big boy. Buy these off", disappeared quickly from the board, indicating that the challenge set by the vengeful, anonymous 1% was no sweat off the backs of the powerful, snooty 1% that rule our nation. This rich-on-rich violence came at great disturbance to many an observer, with one citizen noting, "It's the poors who should be fighting!".

Given the mob boss remains alive and well, the primary outcome of the situation seems to be the creation of this article, tilting the outcome from neutral to a loss for everyone involved. 

DETROIT GOES LIVE
By: Coconut Randy

After ten days of waiting, and with the nation watching, Detroit officially goes live today. With Sin City Godfather Mikhail having opened recruiting prior to the live date, the five Detroit crews have already begun the posturing process as they begin their journey, of which only one leader can finish as Godfather Chairman. 

In last weeks edition, we asked you to send in your thoughts on the matter, to which we received no response. It was a painful blow to Coconut Chronicle editor-in-chief Coconut Randy's quest for content, given that he had wasted most of the editorial week slamming his desk, loudly demanding for pictures of Spider-Man. 

However, it did not take long for the first public power-move to materialize, with 12th Street mobster Sharpe, leader of The Company, openly calling for applicants towards his Left-Hand position. If you read last weeks column on Coconut Randy's ascension to the role, you already know that it stands tall as The Most Important Position in America, and with the gravity of that responsibility, the world will be keeping a close eye on the outcome of Sharpe's search. 

The Coconut Chronicle will continue to provide updates on the city as more develops.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

You were transferred 1.00 credits by an anonymous benefactor. The note "Are you Kuku? Announce in vol 3 is you are." was included.

Dear anonymous,

I am neither kuku, gaga, loopy, screwy, nutso or any kind of mentally-ill. Furthermore, I take great personal offence at the suggestion. Please, using as many credits or as much cash as you see fit, respond in kind with an apology or better yet, a series of apologies. My private address remains: b77bc4a4fbb478ea936b68490a2c4884. 

Regards,
 Coconut Randy