This investigative report brought to you by The Coconut Chronicle: strange and getting stranger. 

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Special Report #1: Invasion of the Right-Hand Babies

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 1

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The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 3

Editor's Note:

The life of a mafioso can be a fleeting thing. Crime is a dangerous business, whether it's a rival gang, the cops, or even a misfiring of your own weapon. It is a small percentage of gangsters who ever make it into the upper echelons of this underworld society, and an even smaller group still who are granted the chance to operate organizations of their own. What separates those individuals from the rest of us? What factors contribute to their longevity? The Coconut Chronicle's lead investigative reporter, Coconut Randy, has devoted his energy into a deep-dive of hundreds of crewleader case studies, some dating back to the very beginning of this thing of ours, to find the common thread. What he discovered may shock you. 

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SPECIAL REPORT: ASSUME THE POSITION

By: Coconut Randy

I step through the hanging bead doorway of Slippery Doug's Tree of Life Yoga Clinic with a burden weighing down my mind. There is an epidemic of violence on our streets. Young mafiosos, barely beyond their first steps into a life of crime, are being gunned down left and right. But worse still, crewleaders - the figureheads of our world - live every day with an eye over their shoulder. It is never safe to be in a position of power. Yet, some lasted longer than others. Why, I asked myself, as I began my investigation. What's their secret?

I smell Slippery Doug before I see him. He is like a wet dog in almost every way imaginable. I am ushered into his office in the back, passing a yoga class as I do, their limbs contorted in all sorts of directions. A flicker of recognition passes through me as I scan the crowd. I know some of these faces. Famous faces. But I can't place them. I quickly forget about it as I enter the office and sink into the visitor's beanbag chair. One knows which chair is the visitors immediately when the other steams with the dampness of its owner. 

"Slippery Doug," I begin, now pausing to recollect months of research. I had been down rabbit hole after rabbit hole, followed every clue, pursued every angle, and it has all led me here, to this moist Avalon. There would be no beating around the bush. No delay of the inevitable. I had to ask him now, immediately, to his face. I had to catch him off guard.

"Slippery Doug," I repeated, "What is The Downward Don?"

The yoga practitioner was unphased. He looked back at me for a moment, before a small smile crept across his face. 

"Why, Coconut Randy...leave it to you to discover the secret elixir."

He continued, "You see, Randy, yoga is not just my work, it is my inheritance. Since the very first days of your business - this 'mafia' - your crewleaders have come to my family seeking the Downward Don, a miracle of startling simplicity; a mere yoga pose, like any other. But one that grants wealth, power and long life beyond your wildest imagination. It is really quite easy, Randy. Let me show you. Let it be a secret no more."

I was startled, but transfixed, my attention glued to this bohemian Confucius.

"You see, in every walk of life there is an alpha and a beta. Whether it is one Godfather Chairman above the other Godfather Chairmen. Those Godfather Chairmen to their district Godfathers. The district Godfathers to their captains. The captains to their right and left-hands. And them to the crew. And so and so forth. The dynamics of power are a pyramid, Randy, and the big kahuna sits on top. 

For our example, I will be the Godfather, and you will be my captain. 

I will begin on my hands and knees. My wrists will align directly under my shoulders and my knees under my hips. I will spread my weight evenly across my hands. Now, I will lift my knees off the floor and reach my pelvis up towards the ceiling, straightening my legs, until my body is in the shape of an 'A'. 

Now I am in position as the Downward Don. You, as my lesser seeking the tonic of wellbeing, will sit with your feet tucked under your posterior. You will lean forward, adjusting your weight onto your knees. Continue to lean forward until we have made contact. Now the position is complete. Breathe in, and the miracle of well-being will flow through you."

A wave of shock, excitement and nausea poured over me. Was this good health? It didn't smell like it. But damn if I didn't feel alive. I was equipped with information that would change the landscape of La Cosa Nostra forever. Slippery Doug quickly sketched something on a loose piece of paper and passed it to me.

"This is what it will look like, if done correctly. Be careful with this information, Randy. The lives of many are in your hands."

I passed back through the hanging bead doorway of Slippery Doug's Tree of Life yoga clinic and out into the street, not knowing what the future held, but more optimistic than ever before.