The Coconut Chronicle
Vol. 4

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Aloha, brothers and sisters, and welcome to the latest edition of The Coconut Chronicle. I would like to use the opening letter today to give a shout-out to the anonymous subscriber who sent a 2 million dollar tip in to Volume 3. Did you ever know that you're my hero? And everything I would like to be? I can fly higher than an eagle, for you are the wind beneath my wings. 

A second shout-out and congratulations to my former brother-in-law Geronimo on his pagan wedding last month. I'm sorry I could not make the ceremony but from what I hear, the blowing of the horn of Vulcan was as beautiful as the runes were good-fortuned. Best wishes to you and Medusa going forward. 

Enjoy volume 4, as we continue to investigate mafia life with no stone left unturned, and no Randy left unstoned.

ARCHIVE

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 1

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 2

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 3

Special Report: Invasion of the Right-Hand Babies

Special Report: Assume The Position

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THE ASTHMATIC AUTHOR
By: Coconut Randy

Given the notorious supervision standards The Coconut Chronicle lords over the paperboys who distribute the tabloid, editor-in-chief Coconut Randy spends a significant amount of time traversing the various corners of The Streets keeping close track of the sales to toilet paper ratio at which his employees handle each edition. And where once it seemed like he was running into Billy_Mastrosimone up to some sort of crazy hijink or wild adventure on every corner, a new hero has risen; one who makes the NY mob boss look like Tony Tightlips. 

Estarossa, a Boss from Philadelphia, has emerged as the latest prolific presence on the underworld Streets but with a unique caveat; what sets him apart is a rare disease, Stomatic Permanent Asthma Mouthitis, an illness reocurring in a select few mobsters past and present. Yes, the S.P.A.M. sufferer can be identified through his stunted speaking, given his need to pause for long, wheezy breaths between each minor slice of the story being told. 

We at The Coconut Chronicle would like to offer our thoughts and prayers to Estarossa, and very much look forward to hearing about his quest for an inhaler whenever it debuts on a street corner soon.

THE KING OF DETROIT
By: Coconut Randy

After a series of closed-door meetings, white smoke poured from a burning tire heap last weekend, signaling that Detroit had chosen a leader. The big kahuna in the city has been named as SeanCallan, of the No.5 Distillery Company in Bricktown, who experts say was quick to monopolize the state's liquor supply, leaving the other leaders with no choice but to bend to his demands lest the withdrawals begin to
materialize.

The solidarity in the city comes at a great disappointment to onlookers thirsting for a Thunderdome-type scenario in which roving gangs of scantily clad warriors patrolled territories divided by foggy rows of spiked heads, but there is still hope yet that one wrong word or misinterpreted look may cause the situation to devolve to gladiatorial standards. 

We'll keep you updated.

THE IRON BANK GIVES BACK
By: Coconut Randy

The smell of money wafted through the Streets this week as The Iron Bank, the financial juggernaut of Las Vegas' Soviet State, announced a series of events focused on bringing our nations gangsters out to tell their stories. The competitions 40 million dollar first prize had mafia men and women far and wide collecting their jaws off the floor and it was Chicago Wise Guy Destro who took home the jackpot for a tale of crime and number-counting so riveting, he may as well have been counting the dollars about to enter his bank account! 

The announcement was not without controversy, as allegations of conspiracy and a tut-tutting between Philadelphia mob boss Viktor and Iron Bank representative CommissarZverev highlighted the winners ceremony, but a second event soon followed, with participants vying for a juicy 28 million dollar jackpot. Though the winner is yet to be announced, our very own lead investigative reporter, Coconut Randy, is in the 
running for a story renowned literary critics around the country are calling "well-formatted" and "curious".

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Coconut Randy,

I do not respect your bullshit PP status.

Yours,
Donnacha_Myrick

Dear Donnacha_Myrick,

Consider it $15,000 dollars spent in the quest for content!

Yours, 
Coconut Randy

 
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Kind of thinking that the Destro article should have been the leading story.  Controversy sells papers and my story was so controversial that mobsters were talking about it from the streets up to the highest of our ranks.  Definitely a newsworthy victory. 

Gentlemen, I have decided to put out a call for comment on the Destro controversy. If there is sufficient interest, The Coconut Chronicle will proceed with a special report dedicated to the situation. 

Easily the single greatest tabloid dross I have read since the closing of the News of the World. Sterling stuff. Keep up the excellent work.

William lights a Morley^TM and using the paper to help shield him from the watery Autumn sun, makes for the relative safety of somewhere dark and dreary.