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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Good afternoon everyone. Coconut Randy here, editor-in-chief of The Coconut Chronicle. Though I usually spearhead our investigative pieces, we thought it may be best to allow our newest intern, my nephew Montague, to take charge of this piece. In line with Montague's belief that previous pieces such as the award-winning Assume The Position as well as the report that shook the nation, Invasion of the Right-Hand Babies, were "fluff", Montague has decided to pursue Serious Journalism™. As such, please bear with him as he dives into a recent controversy involving a Communist, a Wise Guy, and 40 million dollars.

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SPECIAL REPORT: FOLLOW THE MONEY

Here are the facts:

Around noon on October 23rd, CommissarZverev - The Soviet State People's Representative of The Iron Bank - came to The Streets to announce a writing competition. It was open to all, would be judged by a secret panel consisting of several members of society (the plurality of which has been verified), and would award 40 million dollars to the winning entry. 

On the evening of October 24th, Destro - a Wise Guy from Shannon-Whelan's Chicago family - was proclaimed the sole winner of the prize for an entry permitted as a late submission in a private dialogue between Destro and Zverev. Zverev immediately followed the announcement first with a thank you to Shannon-Whelan for contributing to the prize fund, then with a comment on Detroit leader SeanCallan's 2nd place award being rescinded due to allegations of a conspiracy - the first time this idea comes into the public eye. The reward was quickly reinstated to SeanCallan and a disagreement between Zverev and Philadelphia mob boss Viktor followed, nearly resulting in violence before de-escalating. 

On October 27th, a new writing competition was announced by Zverev. It was identical in every way to its predecessor besides the prize money, which had been reduced to 28 million. It proved just as popular as the last. The prize money was awarded on October 29th to joint-winners tiggy and Scooter, who received 14 million each, this time without incident. 

All caught up?

On October 29th, The Coconut Chronicle asked the public to come forward with their thoughts on the competition. Where did the seed of conspiracy come from? Was it a popular belief? Was there any underlying history to this? An agenda? Why treat something so generous and well-intentioned so derisively? Was it all nonsense in the face of something genuinely good-hearted? Here's what the people had to say.

We will begin with a comment from the 40 million prize-winner, Destro:

“I'm confused why I need to defend my entry to anybody.  If somebody would like to give an explanation as to why any of the other submissions deserved to win over mine please explain.  At least that is something I could defend. Aside from that, the only vague grievance that has been spoken of publicly was that my entry was "late", as if the same courtesy wouldn't have been extended to any of the other participants had they simply asked.  But they didn't ask. They wouldn't dare. They don't have the balls to even make a simple request. Only Destro does. Come to think of it, that's probably how I earned my high school nickname, Destroballs.”

It appears, at least initially, that any sort of collaboration between Destro and Zverev would be unlikely, given the baffled tone of Destro’s remark. However, the following comments submitted to our anonymous mailbox believe otherwise (for the sake of clarity, names have been switched to current titles, rather than bloodlines):

Anonymous #1: Fishy. Posted after deadline and a weak story in comparison to other entrants

Anonymous #2: What an absolute crock of shit. First he gets extra time to write that drivel, virtually every story there is better than it. And then to top it all off, the worst story in the competition wins the 40 million. I smell a fish or a rat, or a rat-fish hybrid. I believe that there was an under the table detente to split the 40 million between Commisioner Zagreb or whatever his name is, and his patsy Destro. I'd love to know if Destro's CL saw any of that 40 million.

Anonymous #3: [Zverev] and Destro work hand in hand. Both are on the scam, [Zverev] makes sure his dude wins the "contest" and they split the money while [Zverev] gets to look good, throw events with high rewards pool, score brownie points with [Mikhail] and itch his populist scratch, all in the same time.

Anonymous #4: Lol. What an utter joke. It was a contest that was completely rigged from the start, with prize money "donated" by the winner's crew leader, who submitted a late entry, ran by someone who isn't exactly known for being upfront. [Zverev] is a joke, this contest was a joke, and Destro and Shannon-Whelan should be held accountable for their role in this as well. What a disgrace. Then add in Commish's crimes against the esteemed Viktor, and it's just sad.

The alleged scam is a very simple one: in Zverev’s own words, the prize money is collected through “donations from various CLs” as well as the contribution of the Iron Bank, meaning most of it is generated from outside funding. Zverev has Destro enter the competition on his behalf, awards him first prize, and they split the winnings between them. 

While one commenter wonders if Destro's crewleader, Shannon-Whelan, saw any of the money, another states that she is among those who should be held accountable. Is there a connection to be drawn in the conspiracy that suggests Whelan's involvement? She stands alone of those mentioned in thanks for their contribution to the prize fund. It must be noted, as well, that one of the winners of competition #2 serves as her Right-Hand Man. 

Others, however, didn’t find anything as sinister at play:

Anonymous #5: Destro won it fair and square. Anyone who thinks otherwise basically doesn't understand how literature, and reviewing works.

Anonymous #6: Destro is the most amazing ever. A hero among hero's. A legend. To be fair, I'm surprised he had to submit anything at all to win, he's that fucking good. The outcome was the answer we all needed and Zverev made the only call there was.

Andrew_Connolly : They hosted a contest with their money that motivated people to get out in the streets and write something. They chose the people they thought deserved it. Nothing wrong with that at all.

KellyC : I don't see a problem with it.  The contest brought people together, got everyone's creative juices flowing, showcased talent, created more community, and as a bonus it made someone rich.  It was fun and casual. The host gave away their own money, and they gave a bit of leniency to someone who was a few measly hours late. I think that's awesome.  That's their call to make, and that allowed one more person to participate and feel included in the fun. 

Now instead of graciously thanking the host and congratulating the winner, they are practically being named and shamed.  I think this controversy is ridiculous to be honest. In fact, I think it's damaging to anyone who may consider hosting similar contests in the future.  If all contests were followed up by conspiracies and controversy, who in their right mind would want to host the next one? And if rules needed to be implemented and enforced heavy-handedly, who would want to participate?

Has a mountain been made from a molehill? These commenters are grateful to Zverev for enticing gangsters to take to the streets for an extremely generous cash prize. KellyC makes a particularly good point when she mentions that the reaction to this could serve as a warning to those who wish to take on similar ideas in the future. 

One commenter saw it both ways:

Anonymous #7: My opinion is that it was a bit of fun, that someone had to win it, and that, yeah, maybe it was a bit of a fix, but so what? This is the mafia! [Zverev]  gets slated for anything that he does anyway.

It was one comment, however, that would serve as the precursor to the most curious piece of information to land in our anonymous mailbox last night:

Anonymous #8: It was a fix. Further proven by the fact that the second competition was won by a guy who just wrote nonsense about something [Zverev’s bloodline] did a decade ago, rather than an actual story.

At some point following, in the dead of night, a series of telegrams were deposited into our anonymous mailbox that claim to portray a conversation held between an unnamed source and Zverev. While the subject of the mails, as you will soon learn, seems to indicate that the source is the winner of the second competition, it is also possible that this offer - if it is true and not a fabrication intended to damn Zverev, which is as much a possibility as any other - could have been extended to more than one persons. The exchange went as follows, read chronologically from the bottom up:

Anonymous #9:  These messages explain themselves 

 

To: [REDACTED]

From: CommissarZverev 

Sent: Oct 28, '19 18:10 Subject: 

Here you go - do it now, and I'll wire you the cash 

FUCKING THE WRONG 'PIPE

A group of men are standing at a bar, which is deserted except for them, and for the owner, who is tending bar and who, like those he is serving, is a hard looking man, gnarled and aware, and listening and laughing as they talk. One man in particular takes centre stage as he responds to a question another man has asked... "The dumbest hit I ever heard of? Yeah, sure, I got a story about that. A few years ago, scratch that, in fact, quite a few years ago there was a guy who called himself Gaspipe. Now Gaspipe was actually one of them Kuku's that we are always hearing about, but he was incognito because, as you guys know, anyone calling themself Kuku generally got wacked straight away. So Gaspipe was called Gaspipe, but nobody realised he was Kuku. At least not to start with. Now Gaspipe Kuku had a beef with Jono. It went way back. Jono told Kuku Senior to "sod off" and Kuku Senior went rogue or some shit. Who the fuck knows with guys like that. So, yeah, anyway, Gaspipe Kuku caused Jono some problems. Gaspipe Kuku got Made, got a crew and was a big deal out in St Louis, if I recall correctly. There was a falling out, and Gaspipe Kuku was killed. Or, in fact, I think he fucking offed himself; shot himself in the head, made a big fucking spectacle of himself. His son came back, under a few different aliases, none of which were ever Gaspipe. But evidently, Gaspipe Kuku made a fucking impression on Jono. Fast forward a few years and some guy steps off the boat, can't recall exactly which city he was in, but he was good. A solid earner, he was going places. He impressed the right people, so much so that he got Made - shortly after the ceremony, he was asked to head to IRC Avenue, to visit one of the coffee shops there for the congratulatory toast. On his way, someone spotted him and shouted "hey, Gaspipe!" Gaspipe waved back, and stopped to chat. Now, sitting outside of a bar right opposite was Jono and a few of his friends. They all looked at each other - it's fucking Gaspipe! They all turned to Jono, wondering what he was gonna do. Jono said "I'm gonna fuck that 'pipe" walked up to Gaspipe, shot him in the head - Gaspipe dropped to the ground. Jono and his friends started slapping each other on the back, having a little circle jerk, shouting "we killed Kuku, we killed Kuku." But nearby, in the bar of a theatre, Kuku was holding court at a book reading he was giving. Several of his spies rushed over and told him Jono was celebrating having killed him. Kuku asked who they actually killed. Gaspipe, he was told. Kuku smiled. They'd fucked the wrong 'pipe. Kuku waltzed onto the Streets, proclaiming the mistake a great victory. Jono was ashamed. Gaspipe's son came back and was well compensated for his father's loss. But Kuku remembered the look on Jono's face, that look that told everyone everything: that Jono had made a mistake, got clumsy, and in his quest to fuck Kuku, he'd fucked the wrong 'pipe 

 

To: CommissarZverev 

From: [REDACTED]

Sent: Oct 28, '19 18:06 

Subject: 

Yeah even better 

 

To: [REDACTED]

From: CommissarZverev 

Sent: Oct 28, '19 18:03 

Subject: 

No dude - I'll forward you the story - you post it. It's already written, but the guy wants to be incog. So you get a million just for copying and pasting something onto a thread. You OK to do that? 

 

To: CommissarZverev 

From: [REDACTED]

Sent: Oct 28, '19 17:58 

Subject: 

Damn with the confidence boost you gave me at the end of the message i think im gonna pass lol 

 

To: [REDACTED]

From: CommissarZverev 

Sent: Oct 28, '19 17:54 

Subject: 

Basically, I just need to you post an entry to the writing competition. The person who wrote it wants to remain anonymous. I'll send it to you, you just paste it in the competition thread - I send you a million. I don't think it will win, so your involvement will probably stop there. You up for it? 

 

To: CommissarZverev 

From: [REDACTED]

Sent: Oct 28, '19 17:43 

Subject:

Depending on what it is but sure 

 

To: [REDACTED]

From: CommissarZverev 

Sent: Oct 28, '19 17:42 

Subject: 

Hey man, want to make an easy million dollars?

What conclusions can we draw from this information? 

If we are to believe the premise of the offer, someone - who wishes to remain incognito - wanted their story told through a proxy. Zverev reached out to the source of the mail, offering one million dollars for them to tell it on the incognito storyteller’s behalf. The story, as anonymous source #8 notes above, is about an incident in Zverev’s bloodline. It wins and splits the pot with tiggy, 14 million a piece. 

A couple questions remain: Zverev himself states that it is unikely to win. The Chronicle has verified the existence of a judges panel for the second competition consisting of more members than Zverev himself, putting a fix on competition #2 at the very least in question. 

Moreover, as it is unclear whether our source is the beneficiary of the 14 million dollars or a citizen who spurned the offer, their motivation muddies the waters. Why would the winner indict his own victory in such a fashion? This makes it difficult to draw a conclusion on whether Zverev could have benefited financially from the agreement. In fact, the only cash offer explicitly stated is the 1 million dollar fee; the only mention of the 28 million dollar prize otherwise is to essentially dismiss the possibility. This does not fall in line with the patsy idea of competition #1; it is not a scam if the scammer does not benefit. 

There, of course, is the claim that 1 million is a lot of money to pay someone to do something on the behalf of someone else, though Zverev has proved generous with his money on several occasions. One look at his tip history makes that clear. And who is this incognito person telling a story about Zverev’s own history? Could it be Zverev himself? Why hide that fact? 

Most importantly of all, how much does the knowledge of this peculiar offer - 1 million dollars to share a story about himself, written by an incognito source, that would eventually become the winner in the 2nd competition of which the former remains under heavy scrutiny - affect what we believe about the outcome of competition #1? 

If one were to be especially nitpicky, one turn of phrase could raise a few eyebrows: “I don't think it will win, so your involvement will probably stop there”. An innocent statement or one that implies something more contentious in the possible further stages of the agreement?

When all is said and done, the fact could very well be that two generous and well-meaning competitions have been run and met with disparagement. Many of the negative comments left with us seem to stem from a place of suspicion towards Zverev's family history. Treating Zerev as his own man, he is the face of a wealthy institution that serves one of the most powerful Godfathers in the country. By all measurements, his involvement with Godfather Mikhail stands as a strong affirmation of his standing in our community. 

What we are led to is this: whether there is anything amiss here is inconclusive. We simply do not have those answers. We will instead leave you with the words of the Commissar himself, as told to our reporter Coconut Randy: 

“Randy, I have only this to say. I run competitions because the streets are dear to me. Winners come from old bloodlines, like Rigby's, and new, like Destro's. A persons lineage matters not to me. Their way with words does.

The haters and naysayers will hate and say nay. I will continue to keep the streets alive.”

I believe those were your words exactly, Commissar, as I have never heard of Rigby. If it is incorrect, your comment can stand as an asterisk to the quote. Mahalo! 

Great reporting, CoconutRandy.  I appreciate and respect all the opinions made by fellow contributors.  It's good to look at things from all different perspectives and contexts.  It will be interesting to see what kind of precedent this set of contests will set for future ones.  I see the new $10 million competition will be judged by a panelist.  Should be interesting!

Excellent report, CoconutRandy, I appreciate reading your exposes. Your work brings me the warmth that you would get while sitting in a comfy heated office as you watch the parking inspector for your local hospital endure 5 degree Fahrenheit weather as a poetic form of punishment for those who demand that senior citizens and the handicapped be obligated to pay for parking by the hour. 

I had placed a tremendous amount of effort into transcribing my heart and soul to hand and pen, and I am glad that the judging committee had recognized my work as a winning entry. It makes me both humbled and grateful to have such an honor and privilege be bestowed upon my bloodline, and I hope this trend of benevolent co-habitation within this great country continues with the tiggy and CommissarZverev bloodlines. 

As I have always said, the world is constantly moving, and we can either choose to hold a role in the future or to remain a part of the past. The true winners of the competition are each and every one of us, for the bonds of friendship have grown ever stronger, and the community reaps the rewards of our everlasting unity and resolve.

People also seem to like overlooking the fact that I was not the sole winner of this contest.  My story was one of three that was declared award-worthy, and an assortment of prizes were given out.