LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

A grim hello to you all. As you will learn in our headlining story, I (Coconut Randy Esq.) am no longer the editor-in-chief of The Coconut Chronicle. As I have been barred from my usual address to the nation but to relay that information, the remainder of this unusually bitter and cruel letter will be written by the new boss of my beloved newspaper. 

I've read about the days where people like (real) Tiggy, Mother, and Dick Gozinya put actual effort into producing and editing 
proper newspapers, such as the Mafia Gazette.

Other than NikkiOsavkovska, I can't think of anyone recently who has had the same level of success!

- SeanCallan, incoming editor-in-chief, The Coconut Chronicle

ARCHIVE

(EDITOR'S NOTE: We will not promote that trash.)

CHRONICLE FACES AGGRESSIVE TAKEOVER
By: Coconut Randy

Early yesterday morning, Coconut Chronicle proprietor Coconut Randy was roused violently from the hammock he hangs from his doorknob to east-facing window by a series of very bad vibes. He was horrified to learn, upon receiving a phone call from Coconut Chronicle intern Montague moments later, that the East Palo Alto tabloid - described enthusiastically by readers as "very decipherable" - had succumbed to an aggressive corporate takeover, with Jeff from Wyoming and The Doob's wiccan ex-girlfriend Morticia both relinquishing their significant share percentange to a business group from Detroit.

SeanCallan, tribal leader of the winning applicants that lead the Motor City, has been installed as the new editor with immediate effect, following Coconut Randy's resignation from his new position as junior reporter in a fit of of menacing, impressionist idioms he claimed repeatedly were "from Hawaii" while glaring angrily through his well-shielded prescription sunglasses. Though he returned, begging, crying, and pleading for his job, the request was repeatedly denied until it became clear that it was of zero interest to any other human being alive. The paper will move forward under strict new editorial guidelines. 

COCONUT RANDY, A FALL FROM GRACE
By: Anonymous

The world watched rapturously as Coconut Randy, former editor-in-chief of The Coconut Chronicle (ED. NOTE: Soon to be renamed), was ousted as chief proprietor of the tabloid following an anarchic reign that saw Serious Journalistic Practices regularly flouted and in which numerous instances of journalistic misconduct were raised by concerned, mystifyingly-serious citizens, presumably treating the tabloid as some sort of cross to bear. 

Following the boardroom takeover, the now-former newspaperman - born and raised to fishmongers in the slums of East Palo Alto - was deemed an unsuitable candidate to serve an incoming corporate leadership team that view the culture of lackadaiscal and steadfast pettiness fostered by Mr. Randy at the Chronicle as too low-class for the patrician gangsters of the underworld of which it served, particularly in the face of the many other excellent publications the Chronicle finds itself in direct competition to. 

Where will Coconut Randy go from here? The bettors favourite in Vegas is 'Somewhere Filthy' at 2:1. 

THOROUGHLY FACT-CHECKED NEWS
By: Coconut Randy, junior reporter

News through the wire today that an offshoot of the notorious Durden family known as 'The Hallowwieners' (ED. NOTE: Crude, this is a family newspaper) have been the subject of brutal gangland massacres (ED. NOTE: When? By who? Too vague), with mafia families (ED. NOTE: Which? From where? Be more specific) around the nation aligning to dispel of the Delaware gang (ED. NOTE: Legal says we cannot print this).

Instead of trick-or-treaters, the bodies of Hallowwieners, rumoured to have numbered in the thousands (ED. NOTE: Conjecture), could be found scattered across the dusky sidewalks of All Hallows Eve (ED. NOTE: Too much flare, this is the news, Randy, not one of your fiction books). Reasons for the mass slaying are still unknown (ED. NOTE: Have you done any actual Serious Reporting??).

More details to follow. (ED. NOTE: Very nice, very boring, the first good sentence you've written today).

LETTERS TO THE (FORMER) EDITOR

To: CoconutRandy
From: SeanCallan
Sent: Oct 30, '19 22:57
Subject:

You'd make a better "journalist" if you spoke to all of the people involved in a story BEFORE you printed the story!

Dear SeanCallan,

I am very sorry, sir. Thank you for the advice. Please do not fire me. I am already extremely depressed and malnourished. I cannot bear to move back to the cave where California Bill was tragically killed. It will be the end of Coconut Randy. 

Your employee,

 C. Randy