The Coconut Chronicle

Vol. 6

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Hello, gangsters of the underworld. This edition comes to you bearing excellent news, as you will find out in our headline story below. As the new editor-in-chief of The Coconut Chronicle - a newspaper with a proud and venerated history - it is my promise to you, as I take up the mantle of my predecessors, that I will restore these pages to their former glory. Having started from the bottom, as a Junior Reporter, and worked my way to the very top, I am imbued with the kind of hard-nosed knowledge that will see us push further towards the quest for a better Chronicle, the platonic Chronicle, every week. As we have always said: no stone left unturned, no Randy left unstoned.

ARCHIVE:

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 1

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 2

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 3

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 4

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 5

Special Report: Invasion of the Right-Hand Babies

Special Report: Assume The Position

Special Report: Follow The Money

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TAKEOVER BID STALLS
By: Coconut Randy

Serious question marks have materialized in the last days over the legitimacy of the recent takeover bid by Detroit booze-smuggler SeanCallan for control of The Coconut Chronicle, following suspicions brought forward by the Chronicle legal department. CoconutRandy Esq, Senior VP Legal and Compliance, requested clarification from the Motor City magnate over the terms of the bid, to which Callan responded with an extremely sarcastic, "What do you think?".

An internal memo to all employees shortly followed, explaining that Callan's aggressive takeover had in fact simply been an extremely passive-aggressive one, perhaps the result of some sort of deep-seated personal dissatisfaction which, according to the tabloid's consulting psychiatrist Dr. CoconutRandy, may be born of an unrequited sexual desire for the Randy in question. He certainly would not be the first. 

Though Callan assumed immediate editorial authority, a spell which resulted in the notorious 'Volume 5', he has since been placed on suspension by the board, paving the way for mythical folk hero CoconutRandy to leave his role of Junior Reporter and ascend back to the former title of Editor-in-Chief. Way to go, Randy. 

SeanCallan was not needed for comment. 

OF GLASS HOUSES AND IVORY TOWERS
By: Coconut Randy

Major miscommunication out of the capital-C charity MikhailsWaaambulance last night as the whine response unit was caught engaging in the very behaviour it swore to manage. Like a fisherman chomping at hooks, the CEO of the charity himself - believed to be the son of the late William_Pratt - accused several prominent citizens of various items of interest, unpleasant and otherwise. Among the litany of allegations are claims that Godfather Mikhail of Las Vegas has become the new owner of an ivory tower filled with "ass monkeys", while Coconut Chronicle editor CoconutRandy himself stands charged with gibbonry (Editor's note: unverified, bad phone line). 

Several prominent donors have called for his resignation, citing that if he did not understand what a waaambulance was for, it was for the good of the organization that the charity's cryertruck take him home off the streets immediately. A growing number, however, have applauded his willingness to put CoconutRandy's species under question, noting the fact that no tests have been done sooner as not simply stupefying but dangerous to the community at large. Should the verdict turn ape for Randy, it could deal a considerable blow to the profile of a man voted "one of many eligible bachelors" by his peers. 

A MACHINE AMONG US
By: Coconut Randy

The criminal underworld was rocked last week when Las Vegas' Don Xanxus was removed from his Summerlin home in the custody of government operatives. While details were initially scarce, a government spokesperson representing an anti-artifical intelligence taskforce came forward to inform the Chronicle that the Vegas leader fell under the suspicion of authorities following a series of unusual, repetitive behaviours; 
typical warning signs of a short-circuiting robot. 

Indeed, after a brief spell of hysteria, the very fact that androids can live among us, even rising to the upper echelons of our society - as Xanxus did - has stoked fears amongst the citizens of the nation, who now believe that any one of us could hide the very same cold metallic frame and wiry circuit board behind our own superficial appearances. It remains unclear why robots have stealthily ingragiated themselves into the world of mafiosos, but it stands to reason  the motives are incredibly nefarious. As such, while no person has been formally charged with responsibility for the dastardly endeavour, Detroit supervillain Destro has been identified as a prime suspect.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

To: CoconutRandy
From: Princess
Sent: Nov 04, '19 15:28
Subject:

Your gang failed the crime.

Oh god, please don't report about this. >.<

Dear Princess,

Though no article will be written, it must be stated that performing a crime as elaborate and difficult as the torching of a rival's business is
made much more elaborate and difficult when the leader of your gang is openly weeping in worry about the disappearance of JustinBieber. The
Coconut Chronicle would like to assure you, as well as his many other Beliebers, that Justin is OK and will be released from his government
holding cell as soon as the questioning regarding the android known as Xanxus is complete. Our government sources inform us that Justin 
is well and that the canteen's mashed potatoes have made for a worthy hair gel substitute. I hope this knowledge puts you at ease.

Yours, 
Coconut Randy

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