Ladies and gentlemen, I will be brief. Following the likely death of my nephew Montague deep in the heart of the Ozark mountains or in a bubbling cauldron in Little Rock, Arkansas, The Coconut Chronicle has succeeded in its public bid to hire a new intern, VIPCreditsGrin (or New Monty, if you will). Please congratulate him on his appointment when you are able. 

The news has come quick and heavy over the past week and it now seems as a good a time as ever to re-open a tool used in our world-shaking special report, Follow The Money - a piece that questioned the shady dealings of a Soviet State operative, that showcased the leaked records of a soon-dead Right-Hand, and that catalyzed the disbandment of a gang thrown into suspicion, but most of all, one that saw the anonymous voices of the criminal world air their grievances.

Now, in a time of great angst and anger, the anonymous mailbox is open once more. Got a hot tip? A big scoop? A vicious rumour? A bone to pick? 

Say your piece HERE. 

There is nothing too controversial, too dangerous, too extraordinary to print. 

Important: all issues and complaints are to be forwarded to my intern, VIPCreditsGrin

Thank you. We hope to hear from you soon. 

Sally 'VIPCreditsGrin' Grinbini flanked CoconutRandy whilst he made his announcement. He was living the dream alright, salad dressing to the main course of an announcement. Arm candy to the Editor-in-chief. New Monty. He had come a long way in 24 hours and he was already discovering that the sky was very much the limit. Well, the limit of what he could see through the glass ceiling of internship at least.

As CoconutRandy finished speaking, Grinbini saw an opportunity to grab a little of the reflected glory for himself. He quickly stepped forward.

"And I can't be clear enough on this point folks. Do not send me your tips. I'm nowhere near grounded enough in this business to understand them and I wouldn't have a clue what to do with them. I am here STRICTLY to address issues and complaints. All tips should be submitted via the mailbox or to the Editor-in-chief himself, thank you."

Citizens, fantastic work so far. Your immutable cynicism is only second to your passion for drama. Keep the tips flying in. Give me your tired, your poor, your mean-spirited masses yearning to breathe free the wretched conspiracies that save us from the eternal bore. 

CoconutRandy as a Man of Honor, I'm trusting that you will be using discretion and not giving voice to some of the more, hmmmm... how can I say this... more "moronic" anonymous opinions like your last article on this subject.  Just asking that you be fair when reporting on this, that's all.  Providing people with an anonymous forum just gives people an excuse to say idiotic things.  To ensure fairness I'd like to have a say in which mails get published and which can be discarded as people just being asses.  

Hello Destro. Thank you for your comment. However, and I cannot stress this enough, in the future please direct all issues to my intern, VIPCreditsGrin. As I am already here, I will answer anyhow. 

One, this is the 20th century. Please do not refer to a group of people as "moronic". "Coconut Chronicle readers" is less hostile and conveys all of the same details. 

Two, The Coconut Chronicle has made me rich telling "Coconut Chronicle things" to "Coconut Chronicle readers". In fact, I would like to encourage of all my anonymous sources to get even more "Coconut Chronicle" with their submissions. 

Three, an oversight committee is not a "Coconut Chronicle" idea. Here is my offer: as your recent business review shows, you have an untapped talent for Serious Journalism. I am offering you the chance to pluck a few of these anonymous opinions every issue and add a short comment to each as the new writer of our Word On The Street column. If you turn this opportunity down, I will be forced to publish any and all "Coconut Chronicle reader" submissions, which could be dangerous and irresponsible, meaning the possible twilight of humanity would be entirely your fault. 

Please let me know. 

Thank you.

Destro. The name grated on Intern Sally 'VIPCreditsGrin' Grinbini like nails on a chalkboard, shoved up his anus. The man was dominating his thoughts like JaVale_McGee in the paint. Just how many pies did he have podgy fingers in? Every thread he pulled seemed to set off a Destro bell, every twitch of the curtain was held in Destro's clammy paws; Grinbini was floundering. And now, here he was, appearing on demand with demands all of his own.

Destro, I think it is patently obviously that CoconutRandy is not responsible for all issues and complaints. That is my remit. It is actually a significant portion of my job description and I didn't take an entry level position at this organisation just to be passed over at the first available opportunity. You might have $1,000,000 cyborg dollars for your rescinded vote, Destro, a matter which, I assure you, I am keenly looking into. But that does not give you the right to play fast and loose with the clearly established practices and procedures of The Coconut Chronicle. Legal have been notified. Cease and desist. 

Coconut Randy, Senior VP Legal and Compliance at The Coconut Chronicle, had seen his stock rise considerably since discovering the loophole in SeanCallan's passive-aggressive takeover of the paper, returning the business to the hands of Coconut Randy, former editor turned junior reporter turned editor. Today, it seemed, Destro was at it again. He had been hard at work managing the liability details of the Chronicle's recent allegations against the Detroit-based outlaw when that foolhardy editor Coconut Randy offered the man a job. Corporate was not going to like this one bit. Especially not their visionary but deadly serious CEO, Coconut Randy. However, an emergency executive meeting would be the perfect opportunity to find out where he buys his business shorts. 

"VIPCreditsGrin, please remain on-site to manage all issues and any further remonstrations from Destro. I know he is the focus of multiple active Coconut Chronicle investigations but you must understand, as the man who watched the Shannon-Whelan gang crumble around him, he is a broken and resentful figure but deserves some sympathy. At the very least until we have solid evidence proving his intention to activate the Xanxus-bot - prior to its fortunate short-circuiting - and unleash its remorseless, mass-murdering mechanism unto mankind, devoid of recognition for friend or foe, the machine's emotionless contempt for humanity designating us as mere animals to be slaughtered. At that time, it is best we distance ourselves for many reasons, legal and otherwise.

I must return to the office at once."