This investigative report brought to you by The Coconut Chronicle: strange and getting stranger. Read the latest edition HERE.

Intern's Note:

As some of you have evidently noticed, CoconutRandy, former Editor-in-Chief, former award-winning Junior Reporter, now restored Editor-in-Chief and defeater of Motor City magnate, SeanCallan, recently established a secure drop box where the denizens of MafiaReturns could share their thoughts. I am pleased to report that you have done exactly that and after much pleading and begging, I have been given the honour of relaying this information to you all, straight from our tip desk.

Please continue to offer your tips. This will ensure our investigations point towards those who need to have their mails opened, their rubbish looked through and their Destro's monitored. 

Our aptly named Anonymous Mailbox can be found HERE.

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SECTION ONE - ON MIKHAIL

Anonymous #1: 

Mikhail asked for everyone to stop doing the harty and CL's are being asked to tell their members to stop even going as far as accusing them of being the "culprit" in DT that is adding to it, you have to wonder why

Anonymous #2:

Godfather-Chairman Mikhail today reached the age of 170 days, nearly half a year old. In those six months, he has taken over the whole west coast. Recently, he has removed Chicago, Detroit, Philly, and New York. With all of these removals came a street proclamation saying that the removal was due to aggressive behavior by a don, lack of organization, etc. Each of these was a cover up for the real reason, which was self-preservation on Mikhail's part. And with each removal, the message has been a little clearer. The latest removal, NY, was clearly a needless slaughter of dozens of innocent people, all to make sure that one person who was an unconfirmed threat to Mikhail was killed. He says it was for the good of the game. What does he think, that he's a god? Does Mikhail think that the game can't function without him? No. He RPs as a commy for a reason: He is a tyrant, bent on taking over MR. People scoff at the idea that he'll live forever, but everyday it grows more likely. Everyday he gets stronger. Soon it will take a 1000-kill hitter to kill him. There aren't many, if any, of those. Anyone who has come close to the level needed to take down Mikhail has been "removed." Excuses were cooked up, believed by the masses. Already most crews are descended from Mikhail and Viktor. Soon, the ones that aren't will be removed, and replaced with Mikhail's own men. There will be no more wars, because no one will be rivals. They'll all be on the same side, Mikhail's side. When someone rebels, Mikhail will hear about it from his "peeping birds" and "remove" them. People say that one of his dons will inevitably grow jealous and take him down, but he'll hear about it before hand. He will soon be too strong. Before the month is out, the whole game will be under him. CommissarZverev and similarly high-ranking people will be disposed of for one phony reason or another, and be replaced by weaker people, who in their turn will be killed when they grow too strong. But at some point Mikhail won't have to kill; he'll be so far above stat-wise that it will be impossible to catch up. I implore you, fellow players, don't let it happen. Don't let the pinkos take over the game. Rebel while you can! CLs and hands, if you ever want a chance of ruling take him down! Kill Mikhail before it's too late, as it will be soon! Free yourselves, brothers-in-arms! Start a crusade, a rebellion! LIBERTY OR DEATH!

Anonymous #3:

Well, I'd like to say that I was a wise guy, soon to be a made man, in NY. I think it's ridiculous that the godfather-chairman removed an entire city over one dude. However, allow me to go a bit further. First off, NY wasn't under the direct influence of Mikhail, it was under the Mastrosimones. Therefore, Mikhail had to get Billy's permission to remove it, which Billy didn't give. So, I think, that should've been that. But no. Mikhail's solution was to wipe a whole city to save his own fat butt. It was an act only a tyrant and way-to-powerul man could go through with. Is his own power so high a priority in Mikhail's eyes that he wipes a whole city in an abundance of caution? Just to save HIMSELF? It's rediculous. He speaks of what's good for the game, but he only really cares about what's good for him. He wiped DT, PH, and NY because of one reason or another, but it was all because they weren't directly under him. Did anyone notice that these 3 cities were the ones not under him? He has the West, he has Chicago, he has Philly, he has a man in DT, and now he has NY. His conquest of the game is almost complete. I urge you, the players of MR, to stop him before it is too late. He will be soon, if not already, the most powerful and strong man ever in MR. It could be that it will, in a few months, require 1000s of shots to be able to take him down. Some say that one of his dons will take him out for his own power, but his many "removals" prove that he has too many spies for that to happen. Take him out while you have the chance!!!

The Coconut Call:

We are all aware of the tortured artist, a person unappreciated in their own time. Our own Editor-in-chief falls into this category as his readership pay less and less attention. Despite this, the quality is undiminished and he remains a dedicated newshound willing to take an unflinching look into the abyss of any story, regardless of how far into the depths of hell it takes him, irrespective of the personal toll it will exact upon him. And he has paid his due; an expose of the magnitude he produced on Hammers4, all the way back in Volume 2, is the type of thing that leaves scars on the soul. Some things, once seen, can never be unseen again. 

Anyway, Randy’s night terrors aside, in addition to our own jumped up Junior Reporter, there was another artist dissatisfied with what he had deposited upon the canvas this week. This time, the painter was Mikhail and the canvas was New York, a beautiful watercolour made out of bodies. After the fact he took to the streets to lament the loss of life, being overheard as stating he “did not believe in the art of purging”, despite a lengthy explanation revolving around exactly that. 

When he had finished speaking, I looked upon the masterpiece of purging Mikhail had visited upon Manhattan and Brooklyn, with multiple families butchered for one man, and immediately felt sympathy for the Comrade Chairman. Here was a professional taking no pride in his work. A master craftsman in his trade. A 6th Dan black belt in the practice he didn’t even believe in. I was reminded of the priests who lose contact with God and begin to question their faith. He was standing in epicentre of a purgeathon and gained no satisfaction from it. How sad.

It remains to be seen whether Mikhail has hung up his purgebrush for good or whether he’s just waiting for a fresh canvas. And maybe a little pot water to wash up in. Who knows? Will he be restrained like Curtis and Disorder, laid back and forgiving or will he go in another...darker direction? The Chronicle will let you know. - VIPCreditsGrin

SECTION TWO - ON LAS VEGAS:

Anonymous #4:

Within the next two weeks there will be four rogues coming out of Las Vegas. LSI will burn.

Anonymous #5: 

how fucking ridiculous and horny are we as a community when whoreable gets authed again, ffs

Anonymous #6: 

The NotoriousBIG harbours a dark and dangerous grudge against CommissarZ - it started over the writing competition. I am in NotoriousBIG's crew, and he is making us all feel danger by being fixated on getting even with the Soviet State.

Anonymous #7:

rumer has it the rusians are pised about the harty billy m had a qarter of all the $ in the 7 citys billy m was the real irun bank with bill dead the cash is dryin up fast zev is up shit crek

[re: this announcement] cant pay his prize $$$ more prof zevrev is up shit crek soviets not hapy zev is not pulin in what he use to and r bout don with his kuku crap in the strets

Anonymous #8:

The post 'The Real Purges of our Time," by CommissarZverev is obviously a very poor attempt to take away attention from the removal of NY.

The Coconut Call:

It is hard to look past Anonymous 4. Four rogues is a lot of rogues. And if this premonition comes true, you can put that on my gravestone. Here lies, Coconut Randy - "Four rogues is a lot of rogues". The two William Wallace's of our On Mikhail section would certainly be glad to see it. But as much as we can speculate over something that will or won't happen, one thing is for certain: someone is very unhappy about the Whoreable bloodline being authed again, and if one of these rogues were to go after her, they would make Anonymous 5 very horny. 

Meanwhile, there remain some ever-watchful of CommissarZverev, the Soviet State Capo. Anonymous 6, who claims to be a member of the Liberty Street Elite, spills the beans on what he believes his boss is obsessing about. And to the Philadelphia Don, I have only this to say regarding his snitching crew members:

Never trust nobody,
Your moms'll set that ass up, properly gassed up
Hooded and masked up, shit, for that fast buck
She be laying in the bushes to light that ass up

Anonymous 7, who has made efforts to conceal their identity by coming across as functionally illiterate, seems convinced the cash-flow has dried up for Zverev and alleges he is on thin ice with the administration. Anonymous 8, in addition, is disturbed by Zverev taking away from the NY removal, suggesting our submitter may be the kind of person who immediately forgets things as immediately as he has learned them, making him the ideal Coconut Chronicle subscriber. Anonymous 8, there are thousands of volumes in our back catalogue we think you will enjoy greatly. 

Zverev has been a very generous tipper of Coconut Chronicle work and if he were to go bankrupt, as Anonymous 7 claims, we would like to issue a public call to anyone else willing to help us sell-out, become a shell of our former selves, and retire rich. - CoconutRandy

SECTION THREE - ON CURTIS/DISORDER:

Anonymous #9:

Curtis is alive, and well, and has a powerful gun and a lot of protection in Las Vegas.

Anonymous #10:

Word on the street is that the Disorder Bloodline is living the high life in Seattle. He believes that the attacks on Chicago and New York were an attempt to remove him, that obviously failed.

The Coconut Call:

When CoconutRandy initially asked me to examine the anonymous tips about the Curtis/Disorder bloodline I was against it. The men in question had promoted 'live and let live' lifestyles across the country, championed the second chance and allowed anyone to progress without proving themselves. Surely they should be afforded the opportunity to enjoy their life, where that may be.

Then there was an awkward presentation involving the company structure, how the hierarchy works and Coconut Corporate making it clear when and where interns were able to turn down work. 

With a new found enthusiasm for the task, I can gladly report (especially if Corporate are reading) that it is a real testament to the far reaching pull of The Coconut Chronicle in that we have achieved within days, what the collective leadership have struggled to do for months; identify the location of the Disorder bloodline. He's alive, and well, and he has a powerful gun and a lot of protection in Las Vegas, whilst living the high life in Seattle. Wait. Maybe this isn't as easy as I was making out.

Ok, so perhaps we haven't quite busted this mystery wide open in the dramatic fashion as I was hoping. In fact, the only conclusive piece of evidence we can deduce from these two anonymous tips is that Curtis/Disorder bloodline is enjoying himself. I'm pleased to disclose to our beloved readers that we have categorically established that he is alive, well and living the high life. We don't know exactly where yet, but we're probably like 90%+ of the way there now. Maybe 95%+.

Anyway, Anonymous #9 earns a solid 6/10 for his intel. It is clearly credible; how would you know he has a powerful gun and a lot of protection unless you actually knew. Those aren't the type of things you can just make up.

Anonymous #10 collected a 4/10. Nobody is living the high life in Seattle, don't talk shit. - VIPCreditsGrin

SECTION 4 - ON GOSSIP:

Anonymous #11:

JaVale_McGee has been engaged in a torrid love affair with sports writer Maria Reynolds. This is why he is wrongly being reported as winning all his basketball games.

Anonymous #12:

Victor enjoys dressing in drag for Princesses entertainment

Anonymous #13:

Don @Viktor was seen trying on merkins for an upcoming Philadelphia ball this last Wednesday, according to the clerk at Madame Herbinia's Merkin Emporium.

Anonymous #14:

Don't know anything about any writing contests, but I do know that one time Destro challenged @NotoriousBIG to an arm-wrestling match and NotoriousBIG wimped out in front of everybody. Embarrassing.

Anonymous #15:

Callisto is secretly plotting to kill tiggy.

The Coconut Call:

Some have called our willingness to give the plebs a platform to share their opinions dangerous, reckless, and irresponsible. While we stand by our decision to offer their contributions to our anonymous mailbox unedited in all their glory, sometimes a line gets crossed. Let's not splits hairs: JaVale_McGee is the greatest 1 v 1 ball player in the country. While we are not in the business of outing our anonymous submitters, Anonymous #11 is clearly @LeBron_James and we will not be used as a vehicle for his brand of carefully-marketed offseason drama. 1 v 1 him or get out of town. 

Striking similarities arise between LeBron_James and the subject of Anonymous 14, @NotoriousBIG, who did not dare to face Detroit Wise Guy Destro in an arm-wrestling match, even though everybody was watching. Some people have the clutch gene and some people don't. JaVale_McGee, the most clutch shooter in the mafia world, drops daggers on his opponents just like Destro, the most improportionally-strong man at his underground arm wrestling club, slams the fists of his challengers through tables while laughing menacingly through the air-holes of his unshifting beryllium steel mask. 

Regarding Anonymous 12 and 13: Don Viktor, do not let these tattletalers discourage you. My ex-wife used a merkin that doubled as a soul patch when I had important meetings to attend. If you boil it in lobster broth, it can make for a very enjoyable sexual experience for your partner. It is a very versatile tool and you should not be ashamed to own one. If you need any advice, please contact my ex-wife in Michigan and let my kids know that their father is OK and not on an 'old pervert vacation in Koh Samui', as their mother tells them. Thank you. - CoconutRandy

SUBMISSION HOTLINE

Thank you for you contributions to The Coconut Chronicle. Please continue to make them, but, and I can't stress this enough, only send non-positive feedback, issues and complaints to me. I am only an Intern. 

All columns, letters, tips, scoops, smoking guns and general hearsay can and should be submitted to the inbox of CoconutRandy.

Anonymous submissions can be sent in HERE.

You may also visit our intern, VIPCreditsGrin, at his desk in the Las Vegas Business District. 

Wow Whoreable is awesome, people are so rude. 

I'm going to assume that the point of publishing these comments is to provoke a response.  So here:

Comment 2:

Regarding Mikhail and him taking over this world, or at least these cities!  So fucking what - you'd do exactly the same if given the opportunity.  It's no difference to the stories my nanny Callisto told me when I was young, of people like MrEvilman, Uncle Nicky and Anita.  It's the whole point of this thing of ours - gain power!  But like any other time, if you don't like it, do something to change it.  Despite what people think, nobody lives forever!

I've made this comment before, most success in this world comes from not one generation, but the efforts of multiple generations and the bonds they make and continue!

SeanCallan - I'm afraid that you're wrong.  It's the point for *some* people.  Some of us have more nourishing aims and objectives.

Here at The Coconut Chronicle, Motor City magnate SeanCallan, as you are well aware as you very recently tried to oust the Editor-in-Chief to seize control of this very publication for yourself, our only "point" is to deliver the news to the masses. This particularly piece is no exception. The views of the general public are of particular importance and have been published in good faith, since they took the effort to share them with us. Unlike CommissarZverev, there is no illusions about The Coconut Chronicle. When we say we will do something, we do it.* 

*Except when we don't.

Well said, Grinbini. I fear SeanCallan's censored and family-friendly vision of the public domain is precisely why his takeover of The Coconut Chronicle proved so ill-fated, particularly Volume 5, which stands out as the principle example of the Callan-era. It is a repressed and browbeaten edition, formulated in the armpit of his bowdlerized noogie. These collected thoughts of the common pleb - God help those poor, filthy idiots - can surely be appreciated by a fellow Upper Structure Mafioso (of nearly as critical importance to society as myself) if only for the value of hearing what is usually left unsaid, without desiring to provoke anything besides the health of public interest in the world around us. 

Though, during his reign as Editor-in-Chief, he sent me home multiple times for violating his puritan dress code, claiming that I needed to return when I stopped "screaming and crying in the nude" - which I never did because, as I explained, my uncle Yeldon ruined all of my t-shirts doing his science experiments - the yoke of his tyranny came through loud and clear. In this new Coconut Chronicle-era, there is room on our platform for the paranoid, donkey-brained and criminally-insane (provided we are legally protected from the ramifications of this alliance).