The Coconut Chronicle
Vol. 8

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Mafia, it's me, Coconut Randy. Do I need an introduction? Not to the man who spent hours molesting a life-sized effigy of me outside the Coconut Corp offices last week, that's for sure. While I learned that aggressively humping papier-mache is not considered a crime, firing warning shots at him with your colt buntline while drunk off your God-fearing ass on Campari most certainly is. The days I spent in county lock-up were sobering, if not inspirational, and Coconut Corp is proud to welcome my former cellmate Thick Gus to our custodial staff as a reward for his protection during our time behind bars. It is because of him that my vow of celibacy remains unbroken, until I meet that special someone who will become my 2nd wife. Thank you, Thick Gus. 

On to volume 8, with no stone left unturned and no Randy left unstoned. 

ARCHIVE:

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 1

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 2

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 3

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 4

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 5

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 6

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 7

Special Report: Invasion of the Right-Hand Babies

Special Report: Assume The Position

Special Report: Follow The Money

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AMERICA'S MOST WANTED

by: Intern VIPCreditsGrin Grinbini

As a result of choosing not to pay salaries to lowly interns or apprentice sports reporters, Editor-in-chief CoconutRandy, has been able to forge a path deep into the bowels of the Justice Department, merrily tipping and bribing as he goes. The Coconut Chronicle is therefore delighted to report a rare find, currently being circulated to police departments across the country; a bulletin of the most dangerous criminals currently at large within 7 cities. 

#3 - Dominic

Profile

Name: Dominic Swindleshyster

Known Aliases: Dominic (with a c), Dominic The Tailor, T.B.T.i.DT.a.p.a.o.MR (The Best Tailor in DT and possibly all of MR) 

Area of Influence: None. 

Wanted for: False advertisement, fraud, crimes against eyesight, spurious claims

History: Dominic purports to be a tailor but one look at his work demonstrated this to be an obvious lie to law enforcement. Reported associate of Motor City magnate SeanCallan. Unclear what role he fills for the No. 5 Distillery; evidently not uniform supply or dressmaking as all employees wore well-fitted suits that were not 17000x too big nor too ugly to look upon.

Seems to have taken a step away from tailoring (or more accurately, the lack thereof) and has been engaged in fraudulent claims against honest citizens for apparent unpaid invoices. Invoices were clearly paid, regardless of the hideousness of the product they had purchased. 

Last seen: Boating on the Detroit River in a tiny sailboat with an enormous over-sized sail with plain, disproportionately small black text upon it. 

Risk level: Low; more likely to throw food than fists. Would probably try to create a phony lawsuit against any would-be assailant.

#2 - PhillipMarleau 

Profile

Name: PhillipMarleau

Known Aliases: PhillipMuesli, The Muesli Man, The Taker of Muesli 1-2-3, Ruth

Area of Influence: The Chicago Business District

Wanted for: Assault; vociferous complaining; failing to speak at dinner; nuisance phone calls; lewd behaviour in public

History: Much of Marleau's back story is unknown. He began plying his trade around the Chicago Business District some years previously. First caught attention of local law enforcement over an assault incident pertaining to snacks at a hockey game. Mr Marleau, the controlling interest in an ice rink, had banned all food types except muesli at home games. Alleged instigator of 10 man brawl by having hands so deeply entrenched in his joggers that he refused to give change to customers after reluctantly purchasing said muesli. Fled the scene. Assumed to have been beaten to a pulp.

Since, Marleau has been seen in various avenues complaining vehemently about lack of visitors to the Chicago Business District; his last known haunt. He has a strong aversion to 'mindless bullshit' and has been known to phone strangers asking if they know where "the majority of RPers are residing".

Last seen: Ordering muesli in a fine Italian restaurant for reasons unknown. Remained silent throughout.

Risk level: High; approach with caution. Be prepared for long silences and/or lots of complaining.

#1 - Destro

Profile

Name: Destro

Known Aliases: Destro, Destro the villain, 

Area of Influence: America and possibly beyond

Wanted for: Competition fraud; vote rigging; conspiracy to defraud; achieving a reimbursement at less than market value; programming the automaton known as Xanxus-bot; the disappearance of the Xanxus-bot; libelous claims about an Intern; failing to pay fairly won competition winnings when offered; making threads without any words in them; arson; big harty perpetuation 

History: Famed sole survivor of the much vaunted Shannon-Whelan crew, Destro is believed to have operated with impunity since first coming to the attention of police years prior. He is believed to be the kingpin of a national, possibly international, competition conspiracy ring, with the aid of his former employee/possession known as the Xanxus-bot and in conjunction with reputed mob boss NotoriousBIG and repeated small-time hoodlum CommissarZverev, who we only have limited information about. See local petty crime information sheets/town hall noticeboards for further info on his juvenile activities. We think he might have put a cat in a tree and taken someone's lunch money - although they probably gave it to him. 

The true threat, Destro, has single-handed wreaked havoc from Chicago to Detroit and presumably beyond, leaving a long line of broken arms in his wake. Assumed to be the real money behind the Iron Bank and the main opposition to the Iron Bank in the claiming of the Big Harty.

Last seen: Bringing cookies to the residence of Donnacha_Myrick, assumed to be laced with poison. 

Risk level: Extremely high; believed to be armed and extremely dangerous. Wears a metal mask and a jacket with hideous hood lining possibly made by Dominic. Highly skilled in the arts of deception, manipulation and pointillism. Often adopts a pleasant persona to hide his villainous intent. Penchant for dessert despite assertions to the contrary. Deeper pockets than PhillipMarleau, only containing money rather than finger holes. Do not approach. Call law enforcement immediately.

Any information on the current whereabouts of any of these individuals should be submitted completely anonymously via our mailbox so we can contact you with your reward.  

LOTHARIO DI-CAPRIO

By: Coconut Randy

The fact that Luc-DiCaprio is somewhat of a Casanova in our community is no big secret. It's like saying Coconut Randy has the straightest hair; a cause for admiration but no big surprise. He is a social butterfly, a regular feature in the business districts of the nation, sometimes appearing in buildings already foreclosed for 7 or 8 years, such is his dedication to the scene. But more than that, it is his playboy lifestyle that has caught the attention of the world, his smooth bachelor ways adored by his peers:

"Luc smiled and told Jake that he could have told him that this lady was very attractive and then Luc apologized in advance for staring at her."

He is an attentive man, an eye-contact mercenary. A man who won't just take a picture, because it lasts longer, but direct the whole movie. 

The woman bags were carried in by the two men that came with her.  She was a long legged Platinum blonde bombshell.  She could have been a movie star if she applied her self in that field."

And look how he cares. A movie star! If only she had put in the hard work. The natural charisma was all there. A leading lady, if she had met Luc sooner. Are you paying attention, gentlemen? 

"Then Luc stood up and took Maria by the hand and started salsa dancing in a romantic way as Maria eyes got big and then he placed her in a dip as she was looking up into his eyes Luc leaned in to kiss her and she replied no, no and Gilbo and Luc started laughing as Luc released her and she fell to her butt.  Then Luc looked at Rain and waved his first finger left and right and said tist, tist, my little buttercup"

A sense of humour too! How goofy his companions were, his silly little buttercups. The games they played! Serious, playful, business, and business time, he is a man of many moods and faces.

However, ladies and gentlemen, it is one interaction that truly raised our eyebrows here in the investigative team and I must warn you, the following content is very sensitive. In fact, for the subjects involved, perhaps the sensitivity of it was precisely the problem. And while The Coconut Chronicle prides itself on the deadly serious and high-brow nature of our publication, these scandalous public records are not for the church-going crowd:

"After cleaning his face and checking his shirt he walked back to the floor and walked up to Rain and gave her a sweet tight hug that made her squeek out a load Ohhh.  Then she stepped back and looked up at him not sure he he was trying to come unto her or just excited to see her."

Oh boy. Luc-DiCaprio loves women and women love him. 

OPINION: KILL THE LAWYERS
By: Anonymous

Ladies and gentlemen, I come to you today with a call to arms. There is a plague on our streets, a veritable invasion of slick-haired and fancy-suited vermin. I am talking about lawyers, the new school of well-to-do yuppies freshly graduated from (the now-defunct, following extensive lawsuits and criminal investigation) Coconut University with brand new briefcases and an unquenchable thirst for litigation. The more capable sit in gleaming corporate offices, catered to by secretaries like the exceptional Ms. Coconut Brandy of Coconut Corp, while others type letters from discoloured cars, only stopping to smoke strangers' wet cigarette butts plucked out of puddles, like a junkie scraping crack-dust off his clothes with a lint roller. They are all the same; sharks, ambulance chasers, even the country lawyers settling divorces between their mothers and their mothers from their uncles and their aunts. They are a pockmark on the beautiful face of our mafia.

That is why I propose this: kill the lawyers. Shoot them down right where they stand and shoot their clients too. Only then are we, as a community, free to breathe again, to enjoy life without this dark cloud of potential prosecution, to visit our friends in the business district and have a nice time over our delicious muesli bowls with no worry of a class-action suit striking at any time. Kill them before it is too late and we become a community-at-law, with no room for serious endeavours, like visiting the Chicago Business District with our friends. Just mere days ago I was there, dropping by multiple establishments to make it clear I was single and ready to mingle, but everyone must have been sequestered on jury duty as nobody came to say hello, even though I am a really fun guy. So I say murder the lawyers. Do not wait. Murder them now. Coconut Randy Esq, kong, Neil_Anblomi, VIPCreditsGrin, Destro, Dominic, NotoriousBIG, leave no attorney or client alive. They will face their reckoning, that I promise you or my name isn't Phillip- er, anonymous opinion-writer. Death to the lawyers, so that Chicago's businesses can live. Thank you. 

SUBMISSION HOTLINE

All columns, letters, tips, scoops, smoking guns and general hearsay can be submitted to the inbox of CoconutRandy.

Anonymous submissions can be sent in HERE.

You may also visit our intern, VIPCreditsGrin, at his desk in the Las Vegas Business District. 

Claudio picked his foot up off the road and turned back to the newsstand behind him. The Coconut Chronicle had been an enjoyable addition to the gossip rags community efforts in journalism that graced these shores. The Sicilian eagerly paid for his overpriced printing as fingers perused passionately page to page- holding up the line behind him. The first of many chuckles escaped.

"FBN's a bunch of bought and sold lickspittles." Claudio mused as he wondered who the three most dangerous criminals around the country actually were. There was one name that surely came to mind for that top spot. 

"Worth the price?" Claudio asked the proprietor of the newsstand as he tipped the man for good measure. The tip wouldn't make it back to the Chronicle, but the man had worn the same suit for the last three weeks.

"They pay you to put this filth on your shelves?" The newsie rolled his eyes.

"No, sir. Loyal customers like you keep 'em on my shelves."

With a smirk, Claudio tucked away his copy to finish later. "Damned straight, signore."

Neil walked out into the street expecting to here the duvet tones of the paper boy shout out "Extra Extra Read all about it. Grin-Dominic trail busted wide open with Shock Testimony." But instead he heard nothing of the sort. Grabbing a copy of the Chronicle to wrap his Fish and chips in on the way home, he flicked the boy a dome, and told him to keep the change.

On her way home Rain pick up a copy of the Coconut Chronicle.  When she made her way home she kicked off her shoes poured a glass of apple pie moonshine over some ice and sat back in her favorite chair and opened the paper.  She found the information on the AMERICA'S MOST WANTED rather interesting.  Then her jaws just dropped open when she read.

LOTHARIO DI-CAPRIO

The fact that Luc-DiCaprio is somewhat of a Casanova in our community is no big secret.

Rain had only been back in the States a few months.  She and Luc had inherited businesses from their deceased kin and became business partners.  She didn’t know much about him but knew she would eventually learn because they would be working very slowly together.

Needless to say she never thought she would find out more about him in a newspaper article.  She was shocked at what she read. 

Damn I need to call Maria, let her know we made the local newspaper here.   That  a practical joke between friends and her landing on her butt have caused Luc to be perceived as having this playboy lifestyle that has caught the attention of the world, his smooth bachelor ways adored by his peers. 

All this time I thought he was a gentleman and come to find out is a man who is unconscionable in his relations with women, a man who seduces women and leaves them, a man who uses women for his own selfish desires. And worse of all find out in the newspaper with my name, my best friend and her husband mentioned. This is totally unacceptable. 

I found myself getting a little upset and sat down and wrote a letter to the editor.

Dear @Coconut Randy,

If there wasn’t all this talk about killing lawyers I would consider suing this paper for deformation of character. In most states, you can be sued for using someone else's name, likeness, or other personal attributes without permission for an exploitative purpose. How goofy his companions were, his silly little buttercups. I am a professional businesswoman far from anyone’s silly buttercup.

 If you are going to print about Luc being a Don Juan of some sort, you should at least do some research and mention women who support his lifestyle.  A married women and a business partner does constitute support for the theory Oh boy. Luc-DiCaprio loves women and women love him.

When distorted facts like this one happen, it's hard not to be frightened by the power of the media and, especially, by the consequences of an unfair media coverage.

Unfortunately many people use the power of the media just for their own purposes, playing with people’s mind. But, luckily, this kind of bad behavior is often compensated from all the Journalists and the professionals of the information, who work for an accurate and fair coverage of news. For this reason I do have respect for most journalists and your newspaper. 

For your record Luc-DiCaprio has done nothing but treated me with the upmost respect.  I find him to be a professional business partner and an asset. Right now that’s the basis of our relationship and I have no knowledge of his womanizing ways perceive by your newspaper.  I suggest you do more homework and reveal actual woman with circumstances that can support your theory.

Thank you for your time,

Rain

 

Dear @Coconut Sandy,

Please forgive me for not following up with your proper channels.  I felt that a public statement was in my best interest.  I hope there won’t have to be a next time but if there is I will conform to your procedures.  It would be greatly appreciated if you would inform VIPCreditsGrin that although I didn’t follow protocol I have a legitimate concern if they wish to address it.  

Thank you again for your time.

Rain

Dear Rain,

I'm afraid I am unaware as to the public statement in question, having only been made privy to your private correspondance regarding the deformation of your character (which, again, should have been addressed to our customer service department, VIPCreditsGrin). If you do choose to follow the proper channels, please explain the specific nature of this deformation (like a snowman melting? Humid play-doh?) in order to best allow our service reps to understand and help you as promptly as possible. 

Thank you,

Coconut Sandy

Dear @Coconut Sandy,

Thank you for your rapid responses.  As I stated I felt it was in my best interest to go public with my concern.  Contrary to your belief my letter to the editor was shared with the same public sector as your newspaper.

I addressed the letter to the appropriate person, the one responsible for writing the article, which was not your customer service person.

Further correspondence is unnecessary; I feel I got my point across.  Entertaining the idea of you passing the buck does not interest me. 

I do hope you will be a little more knowledgeable with your reporting and realize the legalities of printing unauthorized citizen’s names.  

I do wish you success in the future.

Again thank you for your time. 

Rain

Dear Rain,

I am afraid that unless you contact our customer service department directly, no point will have been made at all. Given my seniority in the business, as the CEO of Coconut Corp, I cannot use what little time I have to spare between general strategy meetings, seeing to clients, and day-to-day management of an international corporation, to concern myself with the incident report of one deformed reader. 

In fact, I do not meet with the current head of our News Division - Coconut Randy, Editor-In-Chief, The Coconut Chronicle - until well after I have returned from our Central & Latin America HQ in Panama, where I am currently meeting with the sector CEO, El Coco Randy. 

I cannot stress how important it is that you contact our Head of Customer Service (North America), VIPCreditsGrin, as he is the only person in this organization equipped with the knowledge and purview to handle your case. 

Thank you,

 Coconut Sandy

Destro finishes reading the paper and places it on his villainous coffee table.

This Luc-DiCaprio fellow had been completely off my radar up until just now.  I was unaware of him until The Coconut Chronicle smartened me up to his lore.  But now, Luc-DiCaprio has himself a fan in Destro.  Lest anyone doubt the value of this publication, let this serve as an example as to its reach and impact.

Perhaps I will even sponsor Luc-DiCaprio, financing even more elaborate escapades for him to entertain us with as well as to serve as a false flag for my more sinister operations.  And no I'm not referring to the writing contests so everyone get that conspiracy theory that I have somehow manipulated these contests out of your heads please.

Luc, be waiting by your phone for my call.