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The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 8 | Started by: CoconutRandy on Nov 14, '19 21:15 |
The Coconut Chronicle
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Mafia, it's me, Coconut Randy. Do I need an introduction? Not to the man who spent hours molesting a life-sized effigy of me outside the Coconut Corp offices last week, that's for sure. While I learned that aggressively humping papier-mache is not considered a crime, firing warning shots at him with your colt buntline while drunk off your God-fearing ass on Campari most certainly is. The days I spent in county lock-up were sobering, if not inspirational, and Coconut Corp is proud to welcome my former cellmate Thick Gus to our custodial staff as a reward for his protection during our time behind bars. It is because of him that my vow of celibacy remains unbroken, until I meet that special someone who will become my 2nd wife. Thank you, Thick Gus. On to volume 8, with no stone left unturned and no Randy left unstoned.
ARCHIVE: The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 1 The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 2 The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 3 The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 4 The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 5 The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 6 The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 7 Special Report: Invasion of the Right-Hand Babies Special Report: Assume The Position Special Report: Follow The Money --
AMERICA'S MOST WANTED by: Intern VIPCreditsGrin Grinbini
As a result of choosing not to pay salaries to lowly interns or apprentice sports reporters, Editor-in-chief CoconutRandy, has been able to forge a path deep into the bowels of the Justice Department, merrily tipping and bribing as he goes. The Coconut Chronicle is therefore delighted to report a rare find, currently being circulated to police departments across the country; a bulletin of the most dangerous criminals currently at large within 7 cities.
Any information on the current whereabouts of any of these individuals should be submitted completely anonymously via our mailbox so we can contact you with your reward.
LOTHARIO DI-CAPRIO By: Coconut Randy The fact that Luc-DiCaprio is somewhat of a Casanova in our community is no big secret. It's like saying Coconut Randy has the straightest hair; a cause for admiration but no big surprise. He is a social butterfly, a regular feature in the business districts of the nation, sometimes appearing in buildings already foreclosed for 7 or 8 years, such is his dedication to the scene. But more than that, it is his playboy lifestyle that has caught the attention of the world, his smooth bachelor ways adored by his peers:
He is an attentive man, an eye-contact mercenary. A man who won't just take a picture, because it lasts longer, but direct the whole movie.
And look how he cares. A movie star! If only she had put in the hard work. The natural charisma was all there. A leading lady, if she had met Luc sooner. Are you paying attention, gentlemen?
A sense of humour too! How goofy his companions were, his silly little buttercups. The games they played! Serious, playful, business, and business time, he is a man of many moods and faces. However, ladies and gentlemen, it is one interaction that truly raised our eyebrows here in the investigative team and I must warn you, the following content is very sensitive. In fact, for the subjects involved, perhaps the sensitivity of it was precisely the problem. And while The Coconut Chronicle prides itself on the deadly serious and high-brow nature of our publication, these scandalous public records are not for the church-going crowd:
Oh boy. Luc-DiCaprio loves women and women love him.
OPINION: KILL THE LAWYERS Ladies and gentlemen, I come to you today with a call to arms. There is a plague on our streets, a veritable invasion of slick-haired and fancy-suited vermin. I am talking about lawyers, the new school of well-to-do yuppies freshly graduated from (the now-defunct, following extensive lawsuits and criminal investigation) Coconut University with brand new briefcases and an unquenchable thirst for litigation. The more capable sit in gleaming corporate offices, catered to by secretaries like the exceptional Ms. Coconut Brandy of Coconut Corp, while others type letters from discoloured cars, only stopping to smoke strangers' wet cigarette butts plucked out of puddles, like a junkie scraping crack-dust off his clothes with a lint roller. They are all the same; sharks, ambulance chasers, even the country lawyers settling divorces between their mothers and their mothers from their uncles and their aunts. They are a pockmark on the beautiful face of our mafia. That is why I propose this: kill the lawyers. Shoot them down right where they stand and shoot their clients too. Only then are we, as a community, free to breathe again, to enjoy life without this dark cloud of potential prosecution, to visit our friends in the business district and have a nice time over our delicious muesli bowls with no worry of a class-action suit striking at any time. Kill them before it is too late and we become a community-at-law, with no room for serious endeavours, like visiting the Chicago Business District with our friends. Just mere days ago I was there, dropping by multiple establishments to make it clear I was single and ready to mingle, but everyone must have been sequestered on jury duty as nobody came to say hello, even though I am a really fun guy. So I say murder the lawyers. Do not wait. Murder them now. Coconut Randy Esq, kong, Neil_Anblomi, VIPCreditsGrin, Destro, Dominic, NotoriousBIG, leave no attorney or client alive. They will face their reckoning, that I promise you or my name isn't Phillip- er, anonymous opinion-writer. Death to the lawyers, so that Chicago's businesses can live. Thank you.
SUBMISSION HOTLINE All columns, letters, tips, scoops, smoking guns and general hearsay can be submitted to the inbox of CoconutRandy. Anonymous submissions can be sent in HERE. You may also visit our intern, VIPCreditsGrin, at his desk in the Las Vegas Business District. |
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Report Post | Tips: 10 / Total: $4,442,342 Tip |
Claudio picked his foot up off the road and turned back to the newsstand behind him. The Coconut Chronicle had been an enjoyable addition to the "FBN's a bunch of bought and sold lickspittles." Claudio mused as he wondered who the three most dangerous criminals around the country actually were. There was one name that surely came to mind for that top spot. "Worth the price?" Claudio asked the proprietor of the newsstand as he tipped the man for good measure. The tip wouldn't make it back to the Chronicle, but the man had worn the same suit for the last three weeks. "They pay you to put this filth on your shelves?" The newsie rolled his eyes. "No, sir. Loyal customers like you keep 'em on my shelves." With a smirk, Claudio tucked away his copy to finish later. "Damned straight, signore." |
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Reply by: ClaudioVitali at Nov 15, '19 07:31 | |
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Neil walked out into the street expecting to here the duvet tones of the paper boy shout out "Extra Extra Read all about it. Grin-Dominic trail busted wide open with Shock Testimony." But instead he heard nothing of the sort. Grabbing a copy of the Chronicle to wrap his Fish and chips in on the way home, he flicked the boy a dome, and told him to keep the change. |
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Reply by: Neil_Anblomi at Nov 15, '19 12:13 | |
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On her way home Rain pick up a copy of the Coconut Chronicle. When she made her way home she kicked off her shoes poured a glass of apple pie moonshine over some ice and sat back in her favorite chair and opened the paper. She found the information on the AMERICA'S MOST WANTED rather interesting. Then her jaws just dropped open when she read. LOTHARIO DI-CAPRIO The fact that Luc-DiCaprio is somewhat of a Casanova in our community is no big secret. Rain had only been back in the States a few months. She and Luc had inherited businesses from their deceased kin and became business partners. She didn’t know much about him but knew she would eventually learn because they would be working very slowly together. Needless to say she never thought she would find out more about him in a newspaper article. She was shocked at what she read. Damn I need to call Maria, let her know we made the local newspaper here. That a practical joke between friends and her landing on her butt have caused Luc to be perceived as having this playboy lifestyle that has caught the attention of the world, his smooth bachelor ways adored by his peers. All this time I thought he was a gentleman and come to find out is a man who is unconscionable in his relations with women, a man who seduces women and leaves them, a man who uses women for his own selfish desires. And worse of all find out in the newspaper with my name, my best friend and her husband mentioned. This is totally unacceptable. I found myself getting a little upset and sat down and wrote a letter to the editor.
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Reply by: Rain at Nov 15, '19 20:27 | |
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Dear Rain, Thank you for your letter. However, I have repeated this many, many times and simply cannot stress it enough, all issues and complaints are to be addressed to my intern, VIPCreditsGrin. Thank you, Coconut Randy |
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Reply by: CoconutRandy at Nov 15, '19 20:38 | |
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Reply by: Rain at Nov 15, '19 21:16 | |
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Dear Rain, I'm afraid I am unaware as to the public statement in question, having only been made privy to your private correspondance regarding the deformation of your character (which, again, should have been addressed to our customer service department, VIPCreditsGrin). If you do choose to follow the proper channels, please explain the specific nature of this deformation (like a snowman melting? Humid play-doh?) in order to best allow our service reps to understand and help you as promptly as possible. Thank you, Coconut Sandy |
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Reply by: CoconutRandy at Nov 15, '19 22:08 | |
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Reply by: Rain at Nov 16, '19 03:35 | |
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Dear Rain, I am afraid that unless you contact our customer service department directly, no point will have been made at all. Given my seniority in the business, as the CEO of Coconut Corp, I cannot use what little time I have to spare between general strategy meetings, seeing to clients, and day-to-day management of an international corporation, to concern myself with the incident report of one deformed reader. In fact, I do not meet with the current head of our News Division - Coconut Randy, Editor-In-Chief, The Coconut Chronicle - until well after I have returned from our Central & Latin America HQ in Panama, where I am currently meeting with the sector CEO, El Coco Randy. I cannot stress how important it is that you contact our Head of Customer Service (North America), VIPCreditsGrin, as he is the only person in this organization equipped with the knowledge and purview to handle your case. Thank you, Coconut Sandy |
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Reply by: CoconutRandy at Nov 16, '19 09:18 | |
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Destro finishes reading the paper and places it on his villainous coffee table. This Luc-DiCaprio fellow had been completely off my radar up until just now. I was unaware of him until The Coconut Chronicle smartened me up to his lore. But now, Luc-DiCaprio has himself a fan in Destro. Lest anyone doubt the value of this publication, let this serve as an example as to its reach and impact. Perhaps I will even sponsor Luc-DiCaprio, financing even more elaborate escapades for him to entertain us with as well as to serve as a false flag for my more sinister operations. And no I'm not referring to the writing contests so everyone get that conspiracy theory that I have somehow manipulated these contests out of your heads please. Luc, be waiting by your phone for my call. |
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Reply by: Destro at Nov 16, '19 12:54 | |
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