Star-Examiner bigwig Dominic, the nation's sole source of news from the distant future, was killed this afternoon in a gunfight after a daring public stand, where it was revealed he moonlighted as leader of would-be revolutionaries the Sons of Liberty, whose rally cry 'Liberty or death!' very quickly resulted in the latter. Though widely-known that he possessed the gift of second sight, reporting stories from as far ahead as 2019 - a time when man will live on colonial Mars and wear edible underwear - his own murder seemed to be the one fate he could not foresee. 

His death, and the subsequent closing of the Star-Examiner offices, reinstates The Coconut Chronicle as the #1 newspaper in America after a brief period of playing second fiddle to an organization whose lightning-quick special updates put the Chronicle at growing risk of irrelevancy. The suicide-by-duel of intern VIPCreditsGrin served as a stark and telling indication of the pressure building inside the news division of Coconut Corp, where it was believed editor-in-chief CoconutRandy had considered breaking from a rigorous course of sadomasochistic sexual torture and electro-shock therapy - which, combined, had jogged memories of his traumatic and sudden birth in the snack aisle of a Japanese convenience store - to accelerate the publishing process. 

Though competition between the two newspapers was fierce, the editors shared a mutual respect, much like Coconut Randy shared with the rats in the backroom of Naboyuki-San Convenience, with whom he competed for ricecracker shavings despite limited basic motor skills. It was out of this thunderdome infant Randy goo goo'd and ga ga'd his way to sustenance, survival and eventually the ability to lift his own head, at which point the nourishment provided by the grotesque leftover sashimi Junichiro would push through a slip in the storage closet door - unable to face the strange, botchling creature he had mopped into the back in a pool of placenta - proved enough to satisfy his little baby tummy. 

The world of mafia media can be cut-throat and thankless but Dominic and the Star-Examiner tasted glory, however brief, just as Randy did on his long-awaited and hard-fought escape from that Nippon backroom purgatory into the slums of East Palo Alto, just three months prior to the writing of this eulogy. 

Rest in Peace, Dominic. May God have mercy on his blasphemous, clairvoyant soul.