The Coconut Chronicle
Vol. 11

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Readers, it is the beginning of a new chapter for The Coconut Chronicle. As the newest editor-in-chief of the #2 newspaper in America, it is my duty to lift and re-energize a once proud brand that has found itself lagging under the stewardship of my late brother, CoconutRandy. Though his intentions may have been noble, the calibre of reporting exhibited by my fat-headed sibling often left much to be desired, and it is on account of the many fraudulent and defamatory stories printed in previous volumes that I feel compelled to address one clear shift in values coming to this organization; from this day foward, I am happy to report that every thing published in the pages of The Coconut Chronicle is 100%, unfailingly true. Every word deemed fit to print has been fact-checked, confirmed by multiple sources and personally greenlit by our Chief Content Officer, Coconut Larry. It is time to bring serious journalism back to the masses. 

Our stories will be gritty, down-to-earth and real, sometimes venturing into darker and more sobering territory than ever seen in modern mafia media. 

I hope you enjoy this first edition of a new Coconut Chronicle era, as well as the debut of our new tagline: 'The Coconut Chronicle, spoon-feeding truth to the dingus-brains for 60 days and counting'. 

Regards,
 Coconut Larry, Editor-In-Chief, The Coconut Chronicle

FULL ARCHIVE

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CHIBSMAS IS COMING
By: Coconut Larry

As the holiday season edges closer, the annual schedule of Christmas events has begun to take shape. The first such was confirmed just this week when it was announced that Chibs, leader of the South Side district of Chicago, will spend the entire Christmas season standing in for the Millenium Park Christmas tree, festooned in colourful baubles, tinsel, lights, and a large, glitter-lined star for a hat, with decorative and amusingly-oversized wrapped gifts stacked around his feet

In their meeting with the crewleader, city planners could not believe their luck when Chibs revealed his crew was exactly the right size to provide a Santa Claus and three elves to flesh out the month-long attraction, leaving the half-dozen capable minimum-wage workers who would usually be tied up in this kind of work free to go back to their menial jobs and contribute positively to society. It is a remarkable act of festive generosity from the crewleader, though as some have noted, extended periods of standing still, silent and unnoticeable do not represent too large of a diversion from his usual routine.  

FEATHERED HAM
By: Coconut Larry

The new captain of Bella Vista has found himself in hot water lately as sources close to the situation inform us that having overslept his alarm, Tuddy_Cicero - leader of the Wacked and Stacked Syndicate - bolted out of bed, filled his work bag to the brim with absolutely nothing but ham sandwiches, and waddled hurriedly through Franklin Square to arrive just in time for an important meeting with some of the cities rival gang leaders. He proceeded to deliver a highly-competent, if sweaty, presentation on the benefits of consolidated leadership while 15-25 pigeons pecked hurriedly at the lunch protruding from his bag like an overstuffed wallet, having been attracted through the open window by the sight of cured meat. 

While bits of bread and ham flew into the air beside him as if being consumed by a woodchipper, Mr. Cicero finished his articulate and inspiring pitch on the potential strength of the city should its criminals work together under one hierarchical umbrella, before enthusiastically offering the moist, partially-eaten delicacies around the room straight out of his unbuckled briefcase. Amidst a chorus of squawking and cooing, the leader told guests through whopping mouthfuls that they should quit "loafing around" and chow down, and that they were "really good, crust me!". His exuberant laughter through teeth clenched tightly around a cigar and emphatic pointing at potential business partners in attendance was mercifully punctuated by his admission to attendees that he couldn't keep them "past their bread time".

OP-ED: WINTER WORKOUT? WRESTLE!
By: Coconut Larry

We all know how it goes: summer comes and it's time to hit the beach but that summer bod you promised yourself just isn't quite there yet. The winter is long and cold and those nights-in with wine and cheese start to add up. Do yourself a favour and procrastinate no longer; get on down to Todd's Wrestling on Mercurio Avenue! My wife swears by him and get this: if he likes you enough, you might even get free lessons!

Some people ask me, "But Coconut Larry, why would your wife's wrestling coach not charge for lessons?" 

And I say, hey, you haven't met Todd! He's a super cool guy (with a rockin' set of abs) and when I ask him about it, he just laughs and tells me he gets all the payment he needs during their 1-on-1 classes. I don't know why that's funny but it's great to see someone take such passion in their work. The truth is, he must really enjoy what he does and that's exactly the kind of enthusiasm that makes taking up a new hobby such a delight. The neighbours wife Betsy goes to an expensive gym and I can't even imagine how much that's taking out of Gerald's payslip every month. Meanwhile, the old lady is getting her sweat on 3 times a week at Todd's studio apartment-turned-gym and it doesn't cost me a dime! She must be getting really good too, as she's been going for nearly 5 years. Don't ask her to show you any moves though, ha ha, because those classes tire her out! And that is totally fair. I wouldn't want to come home after a long day of organized crime and be forced to show her how to commit a felony, right? 

Though Todd and my wife are in Scottsdale this weekend at the annual amateur wrestling convention (which was extremely unlucky timing, as it's the one weekend I couldn't join her!), you can start booking your appointments as soon as next week! 

Stave off that winter fat at Todd's Wrestling on Mercurio Avenue! 

OBITUARIES

CoconutRandy (1902 - 1936): Here at the Chronicle, there's one thing we wholeheartedly do not recommend: death. That, unfortunately, is what befell my stupid brother and former CEO of Coconut Corp, CoconutRandy, last week after I murdered him. Though he lived his life as an imbecilic buffoon, his time served as a captain of industry was not unimpressive, especially considering the lack of grey matter occupying the cavernous wind-tunnels of his skull. 

Though his gurgling soul will spend eternity desperately clambering upwards for the swampy, fetid surface of the river Styx, his legacy on earth will be quickly forgotten. 

Rest in Peace, CoconutRandy. 

SUBMISSION HOTLINE

All columns, letters, tips, scoops, smoking guns and general hearsay can be submitted to the inbox of Coconut Larry.

Anonymous submissions can be sent in HERE.

Please direct all issues & complaints to the skeleton of VIPCreditsGrin.