The Coconut Chronicle
Vol. 12

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Coconut Primo Carnera, heavyweight boxing champion of the world, was a proud man. Too proud. It was this hubris that led him to accept a title bout proposed by the circus baron Gilbert Chunt. His opponent: a gorilla. Primo was a massive man - standing 6 foot 5 and weighing as much as 270 pounds - but he was still just a man. He would briefly dwell on that horrifying fact as the gorilla tore him limb from limb in a primal rage befitting the untamed, 350-pound beast. In the ring that night, they did not adhere to James Broughton's landmark rules of boxing, in which a downed man was left to the count and hits were to be thrown above the belt. His opponent did not even wear the proper equipment. As Tookie Mongo, the circus silverback, swung Primo's battered corpse from side to side of his 8 ft wingspan, only the rules of the jungle were at play.

It is those rules that decree having defeated the alpha of the pack, the victor becomes the new alpha. And so Tookie Mongo stood to inherit the largest media empire in the mafia world - Coconut Corp and The Coconut Chronicle. Due to his being an illiterate ape, like most of the citizens of this community, the delivery of the first edition of his reign as editor-in-chief will be assisted by his Coconut Corp-assigned sign-language interpreter, Nathan. 

- The Coconut Chronicle legal team. 

FULL ARCHIVE

-

CHEST THUMPING
By: Tookie Mongo

Thump. Thump. Thump thump thump. THUMP THUMP THUMP. OOK OOK. THUMP. THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP. Thump. THUMP. Thump thump...thump....thump. Hmph. Ook ook. Hmph. THUMP. THUMP THUMP THUMP. THUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMP. Ook. Hrmph. Thump. Thump. Thumpthump. Ook ook ook. 

Hmph. Snghh. Umph. THUMP. THUMP. Thumpthumpthump. Thump. Thump thump. THUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMP. OOK OOK OOK OOK. Ook ook. Ooook. Ooo ooo ah ah. Ooo ooo ahh ahh! OOO OOO AHH AHH! AH! AH! OOK. Hrmph. Hrmph. OOook. OOOOK OOOOK. AH AH AH AH. THUMP. THUMP. Thump. Thumpthump. OOK? THUMPTHUMPTHUMP. 

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.

THE THOUGHTS OF TOOKIE MONGO
By: Tookie Mongo (via Nathan)

Hey everyone, I'm Nathan, Tookie Mongo's sign language interpreter. I'm going to try and translate some of what Tookie has to say. I hope you can understand that regardless of my generous cut of Tookie's 6 million dollar-a-day salary from an unknown benefactor (despite the fact I have never seen him put to work for it at all) sometimes it can be difficult to accurately convey the thoughts of this beautiful beast. Please have some patience. 

Ok, without further ado, here we go:

Tookie...Tookie sad. Tookie no want newspaper. Tookie think no need. No news. Nobody do anything. Tookie bored. Dumb mafia apes. Mafia bad. Tookie want go back jungle. Gorillas smart. Dumb ape not fun. Tookie strong, dumb ape weak. Tookie want kill all weakling mafia apes. Weakling ape make Tookie feel shame. 

What dumb ape like do? Eat muesli? Dumb ape do nothing. Stay silent. No news for Tookie. Dumb apes boring. Hide in rock jungle. Never see dumb, weakling apes. Only come out say same thing: Pickpocket bad. Mug bad. Kuku bad. Mikhail bad. Bloodlining bad. Everything bad. Tookie stand on street. Call puny dumb ape out from dumb ape nest. Quiet, boring apes bring shame on great ape Tookie. 

Alright everyone, that was Tookie's statement for the day! He is still learning and his range of signs is quite limited so I really want to reiterate that though it may sound just like it, that was not a written statement from Evolve but an interpretation of a gorilla's thoughts via basic sign language. I'm sure Tookie will have more to share soon. 

A RESEARCH EXCERPT

Dr. Coconut Diandy Fossey is a renowned primatologist and the head of conservation research for Coconut University. Here, an excerpt from her latest book, Gorillas In The Minestrone:

He looks back at me as if he is almost human. Though behind those eyes functions a limited monkey brain, his use of tools - such as the way he smashes palm nuts open with a heavy rock - suggest the one my research team refers to as JustinBieber may surprise us yet. Through the green, lush flora, I spot ChrisVaughn engaging in a ritual display of attempted intimidation. He has risen to stand on two legs, his hooting and barking quickening, as vegetation is uprooted and tossed aside. He is tearing through the jungle surrounding him. He slaps the ground with his palms repeatedly but none of the other chimps seem to be paying attention. 

As I watch the silverback Mateo-Konte nourish himself on the termites he plucks out of BuggsBunny's hair, I cannot help but feel jealousy of these beautiful creatures. Their primitive lives, devoid of the machinations of human society, feels so simple in comparison to ours. It has been two months since the Coconut Randy Primate Conservation Centre sent me out here. It is in this jungle, with these savage, undomesticated creatures, that I feel most at peace. Behind me, the black sheep of the pack, CommissarVerevz, is eating fistfuls of mud. 

SUBMISSION HOTLINE

All columns, letters, tips, scoops, smoking guns and general hearsay can be submitted to the inbox of Coconut Tookie Mongo or his interpreter, Nathan.

Anonymous submissions can be sent in HERE.

Please direct all issues & complaints to the skeleton of VIPCreditsGrin.