Gemini
* Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like turtle and the hair. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at the local brothel. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence.
* Geminis drive funny cars. They Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. TylerDurden is probably a Gemini.
* Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. If RichardWad is not a @Gemini then this is not accurate.
* Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. @TheKingRevan could possibly be a Gemini
* Geminis are frequently ambidextrous, which means the things they can do to themselves when alone saves them any pain from relationships. How lucky they are.
Cancer
* You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not to know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you.
* Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic". You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. BlackHole are you a cancer?
* Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. Police often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation.
* A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your kids. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific.
* You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of moon pies and Bazooka Joe. You also imbibe a great deal of stool softener just to pamper your asshole.
* People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right so try new positions to keep it interesting. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat.
* Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans
Leo
* You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. JohnnyBohannon was a Leo, and we know the type of dick that guy was.
* Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays.
* Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos.
A Leo uses himself as an example of the Over man in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo.
* Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and shit under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching the local plays at the theater.
* Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public.
Virgo
* You are a pain in the ass. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo".
* Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too.
* It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us.
* Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus.
* Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer.
* Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go V-Day on your ass. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher.
Libra
* You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or oh the homeless man on the corner..
* Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will grab onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from Grins speeches to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little plaques to try to make it look as if it's their own. The Libran interest in current events ends with the, well I suppose it never started. They don't crap food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores.
Scorpio
* You claimed to have anger issues early so you could use made-up, bullshit reasons to sucker punch people in the genitals and get away with it. Most thief's are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame in town center because you can swing dance. In reality you can't even shuffle your feet with Rhythm, so how the hell you going to swing dance?
* You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Pixie Sticks at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower.
* Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from wealthy business owners are your attempt to stir something up.
* Ironically, YellowKing is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake haunting, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Adolf Hitler won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to feel loved, even if for 6 minutes..
* Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the gambling and life in general. Survival of the fittest.
Sagittarius
* Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way.
* Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvestism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend.
* Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Murdock's finest or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents don't say I didn't warn you.
* The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of LA, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. Wee people wrestling in mud is a very Sagitarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into ring as well.
* A Sagittarius is always a better Mobster then the other Mobster, which is isn't hard to accomplish since that other Mobster is SpikeForAuth. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being the average.
Capricorn
* Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur which is generally accompanied by someone like Danny_Greene. They are often good at math which explains why they are such a pain in the ass. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time.
* Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nit picky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's cockeyed system that came up with the Rico's Act was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes.
* Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. Capricorns own lots of vanilla folders and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking to those of high importance, that way they have a new story to make up to alter peoples perceptions. Capricorns went out of style in 1942. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns
Aquarius
* The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. You would think RichardWad was an Aquariius. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1930s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it.
* Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and wearing house shoes. 97.4% of the Moonshine consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jimmy Hoffas image in their bread at least once.
* Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked.
* Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard which usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this.
Pisces
* Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny much like the poor attempt I'm making here.
* You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in Private Catholic School it doesn't exist, but then again you all think schoolgirl outfits are for uniformity and proper. Most mens minds think otherwise.
*Pisceans women wear long float dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1941 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 15 m.p.h. on the only main road through town are usually Pisceans.
* Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by an upset Buffalo. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your ass and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Robert Kennedy. but Bob here has tried everything to throw a wrench in all we do so it makes him a Pisceans forgotten. They claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they pout and commit sins alone in a closet when you say you don't like it.
* Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in another dimension. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want.
********************
ADVERTISEMENT
Want to place an Ad in the Tabloid like the one below? For a manageable few have your business promoted, your credit side deals promoted or whatever else you would like to get out to the eyes and ears of the community.
A long time ago my husband asked me to lose weight. So I tried and nothing worked!
Until I found HydroxySlut. HydroxySlut gives you the non guilty feeling of cheating on your man,
and the abilities to hump like a jack rabbit. I lost 30 pounds in one week!
It burns those unwanted calories quicker than you can say La Fratellanza dei Fantasmi!!!
The slut sold separately.
Strapped For Cash? Tired of taking loans you can't afford?
Honey your in the life of crime, money is spent quicker then it is made. However there is a solution to your needs that not only benefits your pockets but also the community as a whole.
Sunshine Investment Company
Grand opening later this afternoon!!! You do not want to miss out on just a great investment. Mick will be operating the Business and he has been giving a high grade by RichardWad for his amazing customer service as well as knowledge of his work. With S.I.C you are personally protected by Mr. Wad by ensuring the people that they are not scammed. He guarantee's protection of funds so if anything is lost it can be replaced.
No need to suffer any longer, stop by after the Grand Opening to see what Mick and S.I.C can do for you.
********************
From Salesman to Leader
"The Not So Accurate Not So Good Bio Of UncleDrunky"
By Kandy Maan
To jump right into this, I have been wanting to write a piece on someone for some time now. Wanted to be one to share someone's life story so people in the future have a better idea on how uninteresting, how compelling it really is not. Why not me? Some short Irish prick did a autobiography on the short scary looking woman named Elanore from the train yard. "A Hoe'rrendous Tale Of Ms. E" You may have heard of it, it follows the life of Elanore Jacobs as she slept her way through hell and back on the old Iron express. The ending when the tables were turned and the men were now the ones finding themselves in her Caboose for a change was life changing. The things that lovely woman did for a cartoon of smokes and a 6 pack will be forever imprinted in my mind. The imagery he used was outstanding, I can still picture her feet being propped up by a bar that was used to tie up the horses being transported around the country for shows.
Enough of Elanore, this is about UncleDrunky, a grumpy man that went from Salesman to running a Family of criminals. Now I'll be honest, I'm completely unprepared for this. I don't know much about the man, and I'll be honest, I found this Journal entry laying outside of his apartment. So in his words, this is how one man overcame all odds, even though odds weren't even against him. Here is the final entry before he joined the life of crime.
I honestly have no idea what the hell is going on. Why can't I seem to sell any of these fucking Bibles? I'm offering the best goddamn Bible I've ever seen—not some piece-of-shit Bible that'll fall apart before you're halfway through Matthew—and still, everywhere I go, I get the door slammed in my face. What gives?
Yesterday, I was going door-to-door on Sycamore Drive. The first house I went to, this nice-looking old lady opened the door, and the first thing I noticed were these two big fucking crucifixes hanging on her living-room wall. I thought for sure I had a sale in the bag. I thought, if I can't sell a Bible to this woman, Jesus, who in all of God's fucking kingdom can I sell one to?
I didn't waste any time moving in for the sale. I asked the woman how much she'd expect to pay for a handsome Bible with a 32-page full-color insert, a genuine, hand-fucking-crafted leather cover, and a reinforced spine that could take just about any beating she could dish out.
She didn't answer, so I went ahead and answered for her: A fucking hell of a lot more than $5.00, that's for sure!
You can't get workmanship like this from those sons of bitches at Christian Book World, I told her. Just look at the gilded edges on this cocksucker! Take it into your own hands and examine the quality of this hardback volume made with 100 percent acid-free paper, I said.
This Bible will last a fuckin' lifetime. You want a Good Book? This is a good fucking book! You'd have to be brain-dead not to get in on a deal like this. Hell, I said, I'll throw in a motherfucking "Parables & Miracles Of Christ" bookmark for absolutely free!
I poured my heart out on that doorstep, and do you think I earned one red son-of-a-bitching cent? Nope. I tried not to show my disappointment, though, and acted real professional. When I left, I waved and said, "Thank you, ma'am, perhaps some other time."
Why does this happen day after day? I'm offering one seriously nice Bible for a goddamn song. Still, I've got three fucking crates of them sitting in the trunk of my car. Christ!
It can't be me, 'cause I know I'm a good salesman. I worked for 14 years at Jensen Used Auto Parts, and I was the top man in sales six years running. Before that, I sold plumbing fixtures and made a goddamn fortune on commissions.
At this point, I have no choice but to contact the Beechwood Bible Company and complain, because I'm doing everything their official Bible salesman's handbook says I should do.
First, it says, Greet the customer in a friendly manner. I do that. I flash a big smile and say, "How the hell are you doing today?"
Number two, it says, Politely ask, "May have a moment of your time?" I've started reading the sentence right out of the handbook, just to prove I'm doing things to the letter. I say, "Ma'am, may I have a moment of your time?" If she says no, I leave. If she says yes, I say, "Thank you, I won't be long. I know you're probably extremely busy keeping up this big-ass house of yours."
Step three is to present the product. Well, fuck—that's the easy part! This fucking Bible should sell itself! It has everything: It's got the New Fucking Testament, it's got the Old Fucking Testament. It's got a full index and supplemental material in the back. It even has all the shit Jesus said conveniently highlighted in red ink.
I guess this proves people just aren't religious anymore. The Word of God must mean nothing to people nowadays. Christ Almighty, that's just fucking sad.
They can keep their fucking books, I'm going to dabble in something a little more exciting. This will be the last time I write in the fucking journal, I was told it would help with some anger management issue they claim I have. I must disagree with the Doc on this one. I know I'm a good man, I attempted to sell quality bibles for fucks sake. So what If I kneecapped him for asking to cough as he groped my nuts. He had it coming. From this point on I will take my knowledge of the sales experience and manifest it with my anger. Together if controlled I may show people who they have been stepping on all these years. Only time will tell.
********************
"Final Words Presents: Advice Column With Dirty Uncle Nelson"
I generally don't write much but I was asked to do this so here we go. I'm the Dirty Old fuck your parents told you to keep away from, so lets straighten this up right here. Yeah I may be dirty, but I'm also old, and age is wisdom. No I'm not going to sit my ass up here and talk about, "How fucked up things are" or "You stole my cookie so now your my enemy," although those discussions can be amusing at times. Sadly I think everyone has seen their fair share of them. Instead I'm going to had out advice, cause that is what this column is for after all.
I've seen Mafiosi with "This world of crime blows donkey gonads so I'm out" or "I hate you all. You have destroyed everything!!!!" written neatly on their tombstones. Why is this you ask? Well simple. Every now and again, when things are running the way they should be people get bored and want to see some action. I promise you the best action comes from MarlaSingers lips. Sure I love myself a few gun fights here and there, but is that what makes us Mafiosi? Does being a part of a Family in a crime organization mean you will be popping rounds off at every mobster trying to make a living?
Some think so, but truth be told, those who feel that way lack discipline. The discipline to follow orders, or even maintain the honor and integrity of Omerta. Which in turn makes for a weaker Mafioso who puts the family at risk. Now my grandfather's have had some cases of their own. Too busy being blinded by their own ambitions, that they eventually got bored with the way of crime or were upset with how things were running that they in turn shot themselves or conducted themselves in a manner which is looked at negatively in this world of ours. Those instances are history and maybe for some who witnessed could learn never to take that path. A young mind who has never been told not to touch a hot stove will know once they have scolded their hand. Or in case of myself, I ignored the scare of the Clap as a young man until I went down path with Godzilla's Mother and developed a horrid itch.
What I'm getting at is this. Every time things are calm, no killings, no drama, same leadership in position for x amount of time so on and so forth, some of the masses lose their train of thought eventually leading to frustration and acts to support those thoughts. Which will get you no where but six feet deep.
So with that being said, is it so hard to bite the bullet, live the code, and obey orders without having a conniption fit resulting in your demise or even the threat of tarnishing a respected name? I have seen animal sex acts in Tijuana, you don't want to kiss those girls on the lips, I promise you that. To me when someone cries it's deja vu. It's like watching history repeat itself. What does that mean to me? Well that some have it in their heads that we are here for something else. Not to work together in the life of crime, not to punish only those who need it, not to extort for the protection our own, but to be commando. One for all, all for one type mentality. It's like Masturbation, you can only make it so interesting and enjoyable alone before you accidentally strangle yourself in your bedroom closet with your favorite tie and the closet latch.
Wanting power isn't such a bad thing, but to strive for war, well that's another. Granted, Families have their disagreements which in turn cause war's among them, but if there is disagreement and war on a daily or even weekly basis, then leadership is missing the point. This organization was created for a sole purpose, to help our own and work together to make a once frowned upon culture in America, a wealthy one. We are suppose to be rich in tradition, granted killing is a part of that tradition, but killing with cause. The want for power will only get you so far my friends. Take some of that energy and concentrate on your family needs. You may see that it will eventually pan out for you at the end of the day. If you are saying to yourself, "This is not why I'm saying it's boring or why things have become stale," then possibly do something about it? Create a business, raise a dog farm, have multiple children with different women, shave your nuts then place it on your upper lip to make yourself look older, beat up an old man and take his wallet for all I care. Find something that intrigues you that will keep your mind going. A toy only has so much intrigue to it before a child gets tired of playing, that's why change of routine or even something new may become appealing. Running out of idea's? Go take some of those mushrooms you sell and jump into an orgy. Nothing will cleat your mind quicker then the sight of naked people with horse heads neighing to get your attention. Anyhow I think you catch my drift. Now excuse me, I have to secrete vaginal fluids from a goat in about an hour. Why am I doing such an act? Keeping busy my friends, keeping busy.
|
