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The Tabloid News – XLII
Mr. Pickles: Editor-In-Chief
FROM THE EDITOR:
It’s time for another exciting issue of The Tabloid News brought to you by the best reporters in the eight cities. And, in this editorial, I wish to discuss the very important topic of bullets.
The majority of gun related have been directly caused by bullets, except that one incident that involved the proctology department. We’re still laughing at that x-ray. But I digress . . . Bullets pose a major health concern that I would like to help you all avoid. Some of you younger kids might think that bullet wound scars make you look cool and manly and attractive to women, much like this delicious cigarette makes me look. But, bullets are no laughing matter. They can cause serious health problems. Sure, you might look cool showing off your scars in a bar, but how cool will you look when a bullet rips off half your ear, and you look like a circus freak? You might enjoy bragging to your friends about how many times you’ve been shot, but how can your brag about being shot in the head and a veritable vegetable, drooling out of your mouth like, well, Tie? And, what happens when you finally meet that special lady? No, not the one on the street corner that takes double coupons, but the one you want to settle down with? What’s she going to say when her gentle beloved has more holes than a colander? Your health is your responsibility, so, the next time you are confronted by a bullet, remember this handy acronym, SISSY.
Stop
Identify your exits
Scream at the top of your lungs
Soil
Yourself!
Be safe and healthy! And, on with the news!
RICHARD WAD A WERELOBSTER
As a continuing expose on Richard Wad, The Tabloid News, is releasing the news that noted Don, is in truth, a Were-Lobster! This startling discover of shellfish style lycanthropy was discovered by a brave reporter during the last full moon. While staking out Richard Wad hoping to get some dirt on his good deeds at the local soup kitchen, the full moon broke through the clouds. Richard Wad began turning red, his hands forming into pincers, and his over coat turned into a hard shell. Richard Wad was then seen terrorizing a local Orthodox Synagogue with his un-kosher shellfishyness. One Rabbi began reading from the book of Jeremiah 22:17 "But you! You are full of shellfish greed and dishonesty! You murder the innocent, oppress the poor, and reign ruthlessly." The reporter, tired of seeing the atrocities (and having a strong hankering for matzos ball soup), chased Don Dick away with a bowl full of melted butter. As the clouds reformed, cutting the moon off from view, Dick turned back into his old self, and went back to the soup kitchen to help the homeless.
CAPTAIN BUBBLE BEARD AQUIRED RANK IN MUTINY
Captain BubbleBeard did not start his naval career as an officer. This dirty sudsy pirate began as a cabin boy for Captain Obvious, the scourge of the seven seas (but was really dull at parties). Cabin Boy No Beard was swabbing the deck one day when he tripped into his mob bucket, returning from this soapy accident with his trademark bubble beard. Captain Obvious walked up to him and said “you fell down.” Cabin Boy No Beard Now With A Bubble Beard had all he could take from Captain Obvious, and knocked him overboard with his mop, taking command of the ship, and the name and rank of Captain Bubble Beard.
ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN
Dear Red,
Only an idiot, self-obsessed, ego-maniacal, narcissistic, immature journalist with a messiah complex would set out to write an advice column. Who are you to be giving advice to people?
Signed, Anonymous
Dear Tie,
Are you jealous you didn’t get the job?
Red
Dear Red,
There’s a terrible odor around my HQ, and I desperately need some tips for my housekeepers to get it out. I’ve tried candles, incense, potpourri, and fresh flowers. What can I do?
Signed, Prem
Drear Prem,
Kick out Tie. The smell will clear right up.
Red
AIZLYNN LOMBARDI SEEN TRESPASSING IN ZOO
Ms. Lombardi has been arrested on charges of breaking and entering and inciting riots at the Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago. She was apprehended in the penguin’s area dressed in a tuxedo. Detectives have determined she was trying to raise an army of penguins for her own nefarious purposes. At her trial, Lombardi told the judge “but, penguins are so cute! They work hard, and they do my every bidding. And, they’re perfectly dressed for dinner parties!” She has a restraining order against her keeping her 500 yards away from any zoo, or any herrings, with which she had been bribing the penguins. |
