It’s never easy to burry someone that’s close to you. Friends, perhaps a lover maybe. I would say nothing would hurt as most as losing a child. Despite your own doings you could spend your entire life doing things to make sure that the children are okay. You spend every last dime just to ensure they survive.  But some times, many times especially in my experiences, you can lead a horse to water but if it turns around and runs back off in the desert.. there really is not much more you can do. She had the fucking world by the balls, but still that sense of adventure whisked her away from the stable life I tried to provide, now I know I know what your thinking Tony how could it be normal doing what you do.  But I will say it was normal god damn it... 

Tony tenses up, in the moment his wife driving such a hidden rage fuelled by sorrow. One might think he was going to have an outburst one that he was famous for. He takes a few deep breathes, surprising to him how with each one he feels like he is getting less air.  His vision starts to go a little blurry, the image of his little girl smiling flashing before him and he cannot help but feel that I’d he wasn’t sitting down already he would have gone down like a sack of bricks.  “Just take it easy focus on your breathing... and we can come back to that when your ready “ a soothing voice can be heard responding back to him. A few moments pass as Tony starts to get his bearings again, he had been plagued with little spells, but none so intense or so frequent since the deaths. “Go on” the voice urges when it is visible Tony had returned to his normal state.

The.. day I found out it happened it was like any other day. Wake up grab the paper, yell at your son because he dosnt get off his ass... before I moved to New York I was in jersey and there was a local off beat paper everyone use to read... I open the ice box grab a few  slices of  gabbagool and there it was on the front paper. While every other paper in the country was focused on the conflict, picture of my daughter on the front page. Daughter of Tony Soprano Slain. At first I thought it had to have been a nightmare,  I couldn’t even get past the first few words before I went down... 

Tony sits there after taking a deep sigh, naturally his thoughts now move to what he could have done. Perhaps there were many things and at the same time perhaps there was nothing he could do. It was evident by his words and the look on his face he was feeling overwhelmingly depressed, although at the same time getting him to admit as much would be like getting the families of the world to reveal themselves on the news. An impossibility. Even tho with the weight of everything still looming over everything, he felt the little chat was helpful even in the most smallest of ways. One of the hardest parts, knowing that if she was an innocent then perhaps he could serve up revenge as they were cold cuts, but since she was involved Tony knew he had to play by the rules of this life for as long as he lived even in grief. 

I’m sorry what the fuck am I doing here, I can’t talk to you, I can’t even talk to my best friends or the guys I work with. And it’s going to help by talking to you?!”

Tony immediately gets up from his comfortable seat, his eyes peered at the listener who by now is surprised by his sudden change of attitude. Tony knew altho he wasn’t talking to the cops or anything like that, the whole situation of talking at all bothering him. But the display he showed earlier revealing the need for some sort of therapy. The voice of the listener calmly remarks “Anthony I think that would be a bad idea, if there were another way to treat your problems” The moment Tony heard problems was the moment he waved his hand and walked out of the office, with a loud and final remark as he left the door.

Fuck it

It had only been a short little while since Tony had his little outburst, and at the time he walked away from therapy he was more than convinced he didn’t need it. After all the previous meeting barely even touching on any issues. It was clear from the last meeting that Tony really had begun to take steps to let go, he had thought that perhaps he himself could get over them and finally put an end to these attacks. For a little while it seemed to had worked, Tony was focused on his job, his obligations to his family, work was a great way to keep his mind occupied. And it was thru this occupation Tony believed to have had this thing beat. Albeit every once and a while he would think about his daughter, and even now more increasingly thinking about his friend who had passed away in the chaos. The more he would try to push it away the more they would drift into his private thoughts, always when he was alone.

Tony was laying in bed, eyes open but you could tell his thoughts had run away with him. The sudden wave of sunlight from the blinds being pulled. Tony tried to cover his face with the pillow to block out the rays of sun, successful. Something he could not block out the nagging of his wife.“Maybe you should go back to therapy Tony.... I don’t think it’s good for you to be moping around like this...” Tony could only remove the pillow and look at Carmella with a gaze of grumpiness to say the least, his wife did have a point but he would never admit to her such.  Tony sits up for a moment as he rubs his temples, part of him hoping the lecture would stop, naturally he wasn’t that lucky.“ It’s a tragedy what happened and lord knows I ask him everyday why... But this isn’t like you Tony, and I can’t help but feel it’s unhealthy... “ Tony waves his wife away in a bid to get her to stop breaking his balls.

“You know what happened to our little girl you know my good friend John got popped too... I repeatedly told you, not to bring up what happened again... I told you not too.”

As Tony’s voice raises and he can feel the wave of anger move over him, he begins to feel the slight pulls of his old friend anxiety, already it begins to change his breathing slightly. Tony opts to try and power thru it, it taking a few moments for him to get out of bed. Making his way to the bathroom he splashes water on his face. Finding himself staring at his own reflection in the mirror, the waves starting to subside slightly, and for a moment he smiles thinking he has it beat. One normally would take the next few moments to rest, Tony however was already downstairs in the kitchen reaching for the gabbagool from the ice box. Taking a few slices he pops them in his mouth, looking for something to wash it down with.  “You know what Tony I cant help but think this is all your fault... you say fuck it you let people do what they want then you fuckin mope when.. Shit....” She didn’t even have to Finnish the rant, Tony goes down like a sack of potatoes just narrowly missing hitting his head on the counter. Carmella freaking out and trying to assist him, when he comes too all he can mutter is.

“Fuck me”

The sounds of a clock ticking, the lobby to an office well kept and clean. Various art pieces on display. Tony finds himself staring at a few of them, not so much admiring them  but killing time. He takes a breathe as he checks his watch, then his eyes peer up at the clock. Both hitting the next minute at the same time, and in that minute the double door to the office walks out. The listener gracing Tony with a smile, albeit in the moment Tony couldn’t help but wonder if the smirk was more of a I told you so. “Welcome back Mr Soprano... there is nothing wrong with coming back for help.... please this way.” Tony by now was already anxious, he didn’t want to be here, but he had too be. With a deep sigh he nods and gets up. Leaving the waiting area behind he steps into the offices to which he had never thought he would be visiting so soon, or perhaps even ever again for that matter. As Tony walks in the door behind him closes, the session may begin.