| May 19 - 14:59:41 |
|
| Post Reply | Post new topic | Page: 1 |
| I declare thyself, Pope | Started by: Martin_Torres on Feb 25, '08 15:02 |
|
Torres puts on the pope hat he stole from the Vatican and nearly falls over from the weight I, Martin Fernando Torres, declare myself Pope Torres I. I am doing it partly for religion...and partly for the big hat, nice toga thingy, and lets not forget my nice new home in the Vatican. Now that I am Pope, I would wish to make some changes. These changes are quite different than that of the past. First, there will no longer be a chastity vow but instead a new motto. That motto is "What happened happens." As well I will also do away with lent. Instead the church will give you free food for 40 days. I mean just because Jesus did it does not mean we have to as well. As well the pope has a horse now, so you may see me traveling these cities. Exorcism will be practiced quite differently now as well. I, or a priest, will dip our hands in holy water and slap the hell out of that demon that possesses your soul. There shall be no more nuns; the main reason is that they scare the hell out of me. Have you ever been woken up at 2:00 in the morning to get the shit beat out of you with a ruler? It isn't pleasant! Even the Pope's duties have changed. I am allowed to cuss freely and the Ten Commandments no longer apply to me or you. Instead, their shall be one great commandment, what I say, goes. So if it looks like chicken, taste like chicken, is chicken, but I say its goose, its goose. Also I would wish to be called you Popalancy and no longer your Excellency. I am to good to be a king, in fact kings kiss my ring or what's left of them anyway. I am allowed to have multiple wives as well. Being Pope has its responsibility, so instead of kissing babies I will only kiss babes. As well I am so far the most buff, handsome, youngest, and stylish pope to date for those of you who say "How will other popes will remember me?" Also Latin is to be done away with. English will be the official language of the church or Torres. As you noticed I renamed the church as well. It is now The Catholic Church of Torres. So follow Torresathism. If you do not wish to follow it, then you don't have to. If you don't though, God's lightning will strike you down in one way or another. As well I am allowed to carry a nice gun I call God's wrath with me. Smiles and shows people his revolver Now that I am the official pope I will now answer all yout questions on religion. Any questions? |
|
| Report Post | Tip |
|
"Any questions?" Is this Hitler dude going to turn out to be trouble? I've just got a feeling..... |
|
| Reply by: Umbra at Feb 25, '08 15:24 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
| Oh, and was Jesus' middle name really Cyril? | |
| Reply by: Umbra at Feb 25, '08 15:25 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
|
Let us see. Torres closes his eyes and thinks He is not a problem as much as he is a nut. He is atheist so he is the biggest problem since the crusades. An atheist leading a country! Wahes his own mouth with holy water for saying atheist |
|
| Reply by: Martin_Torres at Feb 25, '08 15:26 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
|
Jesus's full name is... Jesus achliabad Christ. Odd isn't it. Then again he is from the olden days. |
|
| Reply by: Martin_Torres at Feb 25, '08 15:28 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
|
Santino grins when he hears the announcement by Martin_Torres. Pope Torres.. I like the sound of that, buddy. Thanks for getting rid of the Ten Commandments. Those rules about adultery and murder were ridiculous. |
|
| Reply by: Santino at Feb 25, '08 15:31 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
| Mainly I had to get rid of those because to many people gave to many confessions on too many subjects presit don't want to know about. Do you know how much holy water I had to bless? I had to literally dip a cross into a 20 gallon for one tank. People are sinful but a 20 gallong tank! Its insane and our water bill was getting to high. | |
| Reply by: Martin_Torres at Feb 25, '08 15:37 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
|
You're no man of religion if you believe Jesus middle name began with any letter other than "H". Jesus H. Christ right? Howard? Hughes? Henry? Had you mentioned any one of those names, I would've believed you and, thusly, followed you to the ends of the earth. |
|
| Reply by: Adebayor at Feb 25, '08 15:49 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
|
Hitler is a Roman Catholic incidentally, not an atheist. But tell me, O great Pontiff, how you will afford to dispense free perishables for forty days? Surely I am not to assume that the Vatican will rid itself of it's horrific hypocrisy and actually sell some of that art they've been hoarding? |
|
| Reply by: Orwell at Feb 25, '08 16:18 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
|
Hitler is now an atheist. Read the almighty and only commandment. Jesus's name is now Jesus achliabad Christ because of this. Great Idea Orwell, selling the artwork will be great! This Mona Lisa is not a very good looking person. I wish to sell that for a couple million. Thank you for the geneous idea. I never said I was very religious either. The pope has "gone away", so I am now in the current pope in his "absence." |
|
| Reply by: Martin_Torres at Feb 25, '08 16:39 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
| Well crap...here I thought Jesus's middle name was Horatio! | |
| Reply by: Eleanor_Rigby at Feb 25, '08 17:56 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
|
Pope Torres I blesses the crowd with holy water That is for speaking of heresies and blasphamies(spell check plz) Torres runs out of water |
|
| Reply by: Martin_Torres at Feb 26, '08 09:53 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
|
For the record, Jesus' middle name was Vitruvius. And while on one of his many pilgrimages, this one to Yokohama, he started a small electronics corporation, which was way ahead of it's time and is still running today. *Sits back to see who gets it* |
|
| Reply by: Rhuarc at Feb 27, '08 05:19 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
| Is it just me who is slightly uncomfortable at being sprayed by Pope Torres' "holy water"? | |
| Reply by: Umbra at Feb 27, '08 12:14 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
|
Pope Torres looks at Umbra Whats wrong with my holy water? It is as holy as it comes. It comes straight from the wells in Jerusalem. The most you might have on you are a couple spiders or snakes on ya. Torres instead throws out holy fire.....He is shooting God's Wrath into the crowd It is alot cleaner and hotter. It is perfect for these winter months! |
|
| Reply by: Martin_Torres at Feb 27, '08 17:39 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
| It's genuine holy water? That's a relief. | |
| Reply by: Umbra at Feb 27, '08 17:49 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
|
See, I am better than most put me out to be. smiles |
|
| Reply by: Martin_Torres at Feb 28, '08 16:14 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
| Post Reply | View All Threads | Page: 1 |
How much do you want to tip for this post?
Minimum $20,000
Minimum $20,000
