Sally slipped out of her car, chewing her lip nervously as she drug a soapbox over from the boot of her car. The thing made a garish grating sound as she pulled it along; flinching each time it squealed and clattered against the uneven cobblestone of the streets. It was much farther than she thought, and she sheepishly smiled and waved off the concerned onlookers as she manoeuvred it into just the right on the street corner. Daintily mounting its rickety wooden slats, she cleared her throat bashfully before diving into her speech. 

"In this day and age, it seems all too easy to succumb to the overwhelming stress of these mad times. Between the market crash, the Spanish flu, war, and the general unrest amongst the populace I’ve heard many lament the humourless state of our lives; But, to those who claim that whimsy has no place within so sombre an era, who say that it is impossible to marry the humourous with the humdrum, I daresay you simply haven’t had much practice. Why, I’ve sometimes observed as many as six hilarious things before breakfast.

I once knew a family who’s benefactor was so fond of their family pet that he instituted it as a consigliere to the family. And the associates were forced to treat its barks and yips just like commands. Can you imagine it? A Dog as a don… giving humans commands.

I heard of another instance ages ago, from Vegas I believe, about a pet goat. Apparently, the Donna INSISTED that it be protected like her own child. It had a bodyguard and everything… even though it ATE all the furniture in their headquarters and made a meal of the family’s financial records.

But, I think the funniest thing of all… and you can witness this for yourself any given day of the week… is the unending and ever-creative personas that people create for themselves in this thing of ours. Anyone can be literally anything if they just work hard enough at suppressing or buying off the voices that would question it. Maybe this thing of ours attracts people of a certain kind, or perhaps the weight of it all just gets to you after a while, or maybe it’s the money and the drugs that go to your head. I don’t know why. But we invent and institute all manner of madness, just because we can.

A dog as a don? SURE! A hawk? Why not? I’ve seen people make others profess their undying loyalty to carrots and potatoes.

Want people to believe you don’t shit? Install a mobile toilet in your car. Eventually, people will notice they never see you go into a restroom.

You want to be known as a good-hearted mafioso just doing what you can to stick it to the man? Go ahead! Build a little hoover camp and hand out free food and shelter to the homeless. People will call you whatever you want, Robin Hood.

You want people to think you’re a superhero with super speed? Just put that rumour out there and pull off a few good heists. People will start to whisper.

You want to be self-proclaimed King of the Streets? Abso-fucking-lutely. Just scream it loud enough while you throw money in the air. Even if people DON’T believe you, they’ll be too busy picking up your leftovers or covering their ears to argue.

Hell, publish a few penny dreadfuls, and you’ll even have people arguing about vampires and werewolves.

And isn’t it the most beautiful parade of hilarity?"