We are going to ask any and all future submissions to the 20 word story contest to be added here.

Thanks for playing!

Waking up from the soft moon light that was glowing upon her face, Simplicity had once again passed out in someone else's barn. She lifted herself up, dusted off the hay from her clothes, and then sniffed herself to make sure she didn't smell too bad after sleeping with the farm animals. Looking over she screamed realizing that she was about to ram herself in an oxen. Thanking god that she didn't, she then grabbed the towel hanging in one of the buckets of water. This allowed her to wipe her face off and wake up a little more before venturing out into the night. Heading down the dirt path that led to the road she could tell it was the early morning hours. No one was awake. Turning back to glance at where she had stayed the sign above her only said, "The H". You could tell that there were letters missing and she shrugged. Didn't matter much since she would never come back here.

She was now making her way back to town. Yet, she noticed some unfriendly faces hanging out by the bridge coming up. She knew these men very well, they were the reason as to why she had passed out in the barn in the first place. Seeing her they grinned and offered her a bottle to drink. Shaking her head the laughed and threw one to her anyways. Not being able to resist she began take small sips, but it wasn't long until she had drank the whole bottle. Standing up to continue into town she felt herself wobbling. The road was drifting this way and that way she sat down once again.

Looking up towards the stars she couldn't believe her eyes. There, up above, was something floating. Jumping up she pointed and yelled to the guys to come quick! There was ahovercraft! Attempting to run over to it, but tripping over the cobbled road, she landed face first into the ground. 

"Is it aliens!?"

She cried as stared at the craft landing. Rubbing her eyes to try and see better she watched as the door opened. Waiting to see green, big headed, alien things come out she was surprised to see two men dressed in all black. The kept low to the ground as if they were a ninja. In their hands they held chopsticks as weapons and one couldn't seem to get the hang of them. Running off towards town she knew she had to alert someone! They could be here to do harm to the city.

Heading up to a police man she smiled the best she could before toppling over. The man looked at her and knew she was drunk. 

"Ma'am, I think you need to come with me down to the station."

He said, but she put her finger up to his lips to quiet him. Whispering, "No no no" she then told him about the ninja's she had saw. He looked at her like she was crazy. Then snorting really loud he grabbed his saline bottle and squirted it up his nose before sniffing again. Simplicity looked at him, completely grossed out, but continued to push the issue at stake. The man looked at her like she was crazy and began to belittle her story. Raising her voice she stomped around and then start to say that he wasn't even a police officer. She couldn't believe that he wasn't believing her story and then pointing her finger at him she questioned his authority. 

"You're no cop! Show me some verification. Come on punk! I wanna see it!" 

The cop arrested her and threw her into the car. Screaming at him in the back seat she warned him that people were going to die because he didn't listen. Yet, he just laughed at her and took her to the county jail.

Sitting in her cell she had to sit and watch the guards play backgammon and eat their stupid peanuts. She continued to warn them that the ninjas were going to do something, but they ignored her as she continued to tenaciously rant. Looking over the her cell mate she raised an eyebrow. He was as orange as a dorito. 

"The hell is wrong with you?"

She asked as he smirked at her question. Getting up he began to pace back and forth between the two beds they had. 

"You going to answer me or not?"

The man looked at her and then pointed to her bed. She raised her eyebrow and then stood up also in fear that there was something wrong with her bed.

"The man...the man that was there last...he came from the place where the pyramids are. He...touched me...and...then told me that the gods would grant me a gift. The only gift I got was turning orange and having to deal with bedbugs all the time."

Looking at him like he was a bit crazy she then ran over to plead with the guards. Not realizing that the bars were right there she banged her head into them, knocking her off her feet. The guards looked at her and laughed a bit before wiping the salt from the peanuts off on their pants. Then hearing a door open she stared at what she saw coming. The two ninja's had broke into the jail and began whacking the guards with the chopsticks. It wasn't long until the guards were dead from the brutal beatings and then they set their eyes on the prisoners. Unlocking the cell they went for the orange man. Simplicity ran out and didn't look back. She was a bit wobbly still, but she busted through the doors and headed to the once place that no one would kill in.

Seeing the cathedral in the distance she continued to moved as fast a she could in a curving line. Entering the building she could sense she wasn't alone. Turning around she screamed at the sight of the two ninja's. They jumped her and began to wack her vigorously, but right before she drifted off into her death she could feel someone shaking her.

"Damnit, Simplicity, wake the hell up."

Shaking her head and opening her eyes and winced as she accidentally bit her tongue, looking up and saw her family standing around her.

"Could you please stop falling asleep when we're trying to converse about important family matters."

Looking at them like they were crazy she quickly looked around for the ninja's only to realize she had been dreaming the whole thing. Sighing she returned to listening to them talk about the money coming in and going out.

After saying goodnight to InnocentBitch, I stumbled out of the bar and down the alley when I was blinded by a searing light, As I covered my eyes a woman approached, She was dressed rather strange with a pyramid shaped hat on and nibbling on something she called a dorito,

When I complained of the light the woman reached into her pocket and produced a small device, Pressing a button the lights went dim revealing a strange vehicle, "My name is Bink" the lady stated with a slight bow "and you are?"  "They call me Twisted" I said but she wasn't satisfied with that and said verification was needed, Quick as a flash, Bink grabbed my hand and drove a small needle into my skin,  "Ouch" I exclaimed, what was that for, "Oh just checking something" says Bink "I have the testing unit in the hovercraft, be one moment." 

She returned with a serious look on her face, "It is you, Your not going to believe this but I am from the future."  Looking at her vehicle I could believe it, "You have to do exactly as I say, "Here wrap this around your head." Bink said producing a towel and drenching it in some liquid before reaching up and wrapping it around my head, "It tastes like salt" I said,  "Its saline", Bink replied, "It keeps the bedbugs from reading your mind."  I know what your thinking but at the time it made perfect sense to me, "You must make it to the Mississippi River bridge by sunrise, else all is lost" Bink implored, "But heed this warning, avoid any churches"  I nodded and headed away at a brisk pace wondering to myself what would be lost but heading for the bridge anyway,

As I made my way toward Jackson Square, I saw the spire of the Saint Louis Cathedral, Remembering Bink's warning, I crossed the street to keep a safe distance, From the church wall I heard someone yell, "What the H .. e double chopsticks, you weren't supposed to walk on that side." From the shadows leaped a ninja who promptly gave chase.  Running for my life, I wove through the streets of the french quarter but the ninja tenaciously followed, Then I had an idea, I swung onto Bourbon Street hopping to hide myself, after all some of these people were still out drinking.. After hiding in the crowd for some time,

I noticed the sky beginning to turn a rusty red, Did these people ever sleep?  Checking for my pursuer and finding no sign of him, I hurried on my way, As I reached the foot of the bridge where I came across an oxen playing backgammon with an alligator, 

With a stern look the oxen exclaimed "Your late", and began to belittle me using terms that made the alligator blush, "Seems you have lost the bet" commented the alligator, "No!" yelled the oxen, glaring at me he screamed, "It's all your fault!" and threw a peanut at me, It struck me right between the eyes with some force, having been thrown by an oxen,

As my eyes crossed and everything began to go black the last sight I saw was the alligator tying a bib around his neck and looking hungrily across the table as the oxen began to tremble with fear, I awoke on the cobbled ground of the alley outside the bar, my tongue feeling like a cotton ball, Damn that is the last time I eat the worm at the bottom of a tequila bottle I thought, Standing and brushing myself off, I made my way home in the dim light of morning.

I went to the cathedral to eat a dorito with a ninja who is amazing with a chopstick. He told me a story about a cobbled bridge where he grew up licking the rock cobbles with his tongue. According to him they taste like salt. So of course I had to try this myself. Not to belittle the man, but seriously? I needed some verification so I went, but when I got there I saw no bridge. Instead there was a young girl standing on an oxen pointing at the sky. I looked up and saw something hovering in the sky. I ignored it and walked cautiously toward the bison or whatever that enormous piece of meat was.

"Hello, what is your name little girl and why are you on top of this creature? Don't you want to come down from there?" I asked.

The girl looked at me and then hopped off and held out her hand.

"My name is saline. You see that thing up there? it's a hovercraft. I call it The H, because it told me to. You need to or they'll hijack you." She whispered to me.

Yes, I believed everyone was going crazy. So I being hardheaded looked at the stupid thing in the sky and yelled loudly..

"Hey! You are nothing but a tiny bedbug! Go act tenaciously with someone else you lame piece of metal!"

~Blackout~

I woke up with a headache. Sitting up I see i'm lying on a towel on a pyramid in what I guessed to be Egypt. Fear escalated and I looked for any sign of food. Thats when I saw the single tiny peanut at the very top. I raced up there and reached for it, so close to obtaining the nut.

"InnocentBitch!"

My hand reached even closer, just one peanut.

"InnocentBitch, Wake up!"

Then my eyes snapped open to see me reaching into the middle of SINGER, Bananabender, Ridge, and Stewies Backgammon game keeping them from continuing.

"Aww darn! I was so close to the peanut guys!" I snapped, stood and walked out of the room.

As I was leaving I heard SINGER say something about not giving me anymore alcohol from now on and Ridge grunt in agreement. I chuckled and went in search of some peanuts my stomach growling.

A young man sits down beside you at the bar and orders a drink. He nurses through the first one before ordering a second.When that one arrives he takes a large gulp which he seems to savor on his tonguebefore he turns to you and speaks.

I hear that you are looking for outrageous stories. Well, I happen to have a tale that would make The Bard himself turn green with envy. It all began when I was sent to buy some bread for my saintly mother...

Shedao walked down the cobbled stone street on his way to the grocer's. His mother had given him just enough money to buy some bread for that night's meal. He hated when she sent him on these errands, as he thought that his younger brother was better suited to such menial tasks. He was an associate in one of the local Families, after all. Such tasks were beneath him, they would belittlehis manhood. He was nearing the corner where the grocer's shop was located when he heard a voice call out to him from an alley way.

Hey, kid! Yeah, you, c'mere.

It was an older man wearing a suit that looked to have been made just for him. As Shedao approached the man, he looked around shiftily, obviously looking for anyone paying them too much attention.

Listen kid, you run with Bobby's crew, right? Well I gotta job for ya. I need you to drop this package off with some men down at the docks for me. You're going to give it to Sammy Four-Fingers, and no one else, got it? You do this without fucking up, I'll put in a good word for you with Bobby. Remember, don't look in the package and don't give it to anyone other than Sammy. Get to it, then.

With that, the man turned and walked down the alley before disappearing around a corner at the other end. Shaking his head, Shedao turned and headed for the docks. He was just running a package, he’d have plenty of time to pick up the bread for dinner, right?

As he walked into the docks district, Shedao realized that he had no idea where to find Sammy Four-Fingers so he started to ask around. He was swiftly directed towards the Maritime Cathedral, Sammy’s tavern of choice. Upon entering the building he quickly realized that he was in for more than he bargained for as finding his target in all this mess was going to be nigh on impossible. Hanging from the ceiling was a banner declaring that the “Annual NinjaPirate BackgammonTournament” was currently being held.

Shedao made his way through the crowd trying to find the bar. The bartender always knows his regulars, he thought to himself, so surely he would know where to find this Sammy Four-Fingers. He saw some rather odd things on his trek through the tavern. For instance he could have sworn one of the Pirates had a tattoo on his back that looked like two bedbugs mating. Another seemed to be wearing a shirt with peanut-eating oxenembroidered on the back. But the one that really made him go, “What The H-,” was the little old lady that seemed to be winning her game of backgammon and guzzling what he would have sworn was pure bourbon from a cup fashioned from the vertebrae of a whale.

Shedao finally made his way to the bar and got the bartender’s attention.

I’m looking to deliver a package to a man who goes by the name of Sammy Four-Fingers. Might you know where I can find him?

The Bartender looked him over with a jaundiced eye, before speaking in a gruff, bass rumble.

We can’t be letting just anyone back to see the boss, you’ll have to prove that you’re worthy  and that you have legitimate business with Sammy. To do this you’ll have to pass a few tests. You manage to do this and you can go on back to see the boss.

Shedao thought this over for a moment before agreeing to the arrangement. He didn’t have much of a choice if he wanted to deliver the package after all.

Your first test will be to drink these four mugs of Mexican mango liquor. While you do that, you will need to order these quartz pyramids from smallest to largest. And you only have 2 minutes to do it.

Shedao wasn’t exactly happy with this, as he’d always had trouble holding his liquor. But he managed to complete his task with in the time limit. When the Bartender saw that he’d finished this task, he gave him his second trial.

This time you will need to transfer all of the saltfrom this bowl into this flask here using nothing but a pair of chopsticks. but you will also have to do this while blindfolded with this towel.

With those words, the Bartender held up his grimy, dirty wash towel that he used to clean the bar. Shedao wasn’t quite sure how these tests were helping the verificationprocess, but he need ed to deliver that damn package. The amount of honor that Bobby would pay him for accomplishing this task would make it all worthwhile. At first, he had trouble moving the salt, but he persevered tenaciously and succeeded in his goal. He was then given his third task.

Your job, this time, is to take this bottle of salinesolution and bring it to the bridgeof the hovercraftfloating over there. You will not be allowed the use of any climbing implement other than the rope hanging from the craft.

By this time, the Mexican booze had started to hit him hard, and he was having trouble walking in a straight line, much climbing a rope. But with thoughts of the of the glory that awaited him for delivering his prize, he proceeded to fight his way through the intoxication clouding his mind and climbed aboard the target hovercraft. After dropping of the bottle, he proceeded to trip over the railing and fall of the craft landing on top of a number of Ninja Pirates. Seeing that he had survived his fall, the bartender had one of the Ninja Pirates escort Shedao into one of the backrooms. There he found Sammy Four-Fingers waiting for him.

‘ere ya are shir, your pack’ge.

Shedao managed to slur out. he watched as the Pirate leader opened the package before exclaiming in delight.

The Sacred Doritoof El Polo Gapo! Mine at last!

With that Shedao knew no more. When he awoke, he was propped up against the outside of the Tavern with a splitting headache. He proceed to stumble his way home only to realize that not only did he not have the bread his mother had sent him out for, he had been out all night and he needed to report in to Bobby. The boys were never going to believe this one!

The day started out regularly enough. It was Saturday morning and I was sitting on the computer in my underwear playing Mafia Returns, snacking on Doritos.  I was determined to earn a unit or two. The boss had threatened to increase taxes due to the lack of tributes, and I had recently suffered a wackback on my previous character. Needless to say, I was already in a sour mood. To throw salt into the wound, my girlfriend told me she was leaving because I spent too much time online and apparently I was a disgusting slob.  And thus began the most epic day of my life.

By the time I decided to get my fat ass out of the chair…and after a few more jail breaks of course, she was already gone. Standing up, I felt an odd feeling….I reached around and dug a peanut and a backgammon piece out of my ass.  Walking to the bathroom to admire myself, I began to wonder what I would do with my newfound bachelorhood. Would I go out and hit on tons of ladies? Would I take up a new hobby? Would I make a run at Godfather?

I decided I’d hit the town for the night, and begin my Godfather run on Sunday. Since I spend most of my money on Mafia Returns, I have a special test I use on myself to determine if I need a shower (saves money on the water bill). I stuck my hand down in my underwear and rubbed my hand around a bit. I brought the hand to my face, took a deep breath to build up some courage, and stuck my tongue out to for a quick taste. A saline taste – just as I thought: I needed a shower. After I verified a shower was needed, I washed every crevice of my body in preparation for my downtown adventure.  Minutes later I was looking at myself with a towel wrapped around my waist. Even though I’m hung like a bedbug,  I have an unnatural ability to make women weak in the knees. During high school, I developed a nickname, The H, because all the girls looked at me as a heart-throb.  Smiling and winking at myself in the mirror, I said aloud, “The H is back baby.”

It was time to pregame. Who cares if it was 9am? I made myself a Jack and Coke. Let me take a minute to help you realize how much I like Jack and Coke. I drink Jack and Coke very quickly. I mean, it disappears as I’m pouring it. It’s like there’s a fucking ninja stealing my drink…but really it’s down the hatch, in the belly and into the bloodstream.  By noon, I was plastered. I wondered if any bars or clubs were open yet. I stumbled out the house and made my way down the cobble road. You see, making so many donations to Mafia Returns is expensive and I cannot afford a car. I once bought a hovercraft but the witch of a girlfriend….err, ex-girlfriend…made me sell it. I tried to explain to her that it would save gas but all she did was belittle me. I tried to explain to her the mathematics behind the reasoning in making such a purchase…...sorry, we’re getting off topic here.

So I’m stumbling down the road, swaying from side to side. I probably looked like a fucking zombie coming down the street, but who cares. The H was single and was on the hunt. I made my way over the bridge and walked into the first bar I found. Luckily for me, it was a titty-bar. Unluckily for me, since it was so early in the day, the D-squad was out.  But hey, when you’re wasted, every half-naked woman looks like she belongs to the A-squad. You see, to a sober mind, there is a pyramid of attractiveness.  At the very top, you have your A-squad. These are far and few between. These are the type of women you’d sleep with even though you know they have herpes. Under them, you have the B-squad…there are more women in this category than the A-squad, and they’re still pretty hot. Most of your ordinary every day women fall between the B and C-squads. The C-squad is under the B-squad, and this is when you start to get iffy. To get with a C-squad girl, you probably need to have a pretty good buzz going on. Finally, at the bottom, you have the D-squad. These are the bottom of the barrel…there’s no explanation needed.

So I stumbled into the bar, and the D-squad was in full effect. These women to a sober guy look like they’re about 100lbs overweight. These “strippers” gathered around me like a herd of oxen drinking from a watering hole on a hot summer day. Their armpits as hairy as mine, rested on my shoulder as they had their arms around me. Their breath smelled something like T-Rex’s breath would have smelled like after eating a family of tiny dinosaurs – and then had a plate of onions. And then a whole cabbage. I could faintly smell their body odor, but I was fucked up. The H was determined to get laid, I knew I had to make a move quick before the C-Squad took the stage. Since high school, I had put on an extra 120lbs or so – no biggie. Needless to say, C-Squad girls tend to think they’re too good looking for me.

Anyhow, back to the D-Squad. It was time to make a move. I slowly rubbed the back of the behemoth seated to my left. I made my way down to her lower back and slowly brought it around to her upper thigh.  I took a deep breath and took my hand and placed it on her crotch.

Holy hell fuck! A dick greeted my hand and the D-Squad girl…man…squealed with excitement. I puked a little in my mouth and became instantly furious. I stabbed that son of a bitch with a chopstick right in the eyeball. He tried to get away but I was tenacious in my attack. I stabbed that mother fucker like Joe Pesci in Casino. I stumbled out of the bar, fighting tranny after tranny along the way. I made it out alive, and after that sobering experience, I turned around to look at the name of the bar I just walked in. Wow – Club Oz – an infamous gay bar in the city.

Vowing I’d never tell anyone about what just happened, I made my way to the cathedral to pray. I prayed for forgiveness and prayed that no one ever find out that I actually enjoyed touching that man’s package….just a little…no homo. I also prayed for success in my Godfather run.  I got to my feet and made my way back home. Now that the girlfriend could no longer bother me and my Mafia Returns time, I logged into the crew channel and resumed my life as if nothing had ever happened.

However, I did make a mental note to revisit Club Oz to celebrate as soon as I was authed.

Alabama looked around to find herself laying in a hospital bed, with a saline [3] drip attached to her arm. Her memory was a little fuzzy, but the last thing she could remember was a meeting with The H [15]. They were outside St Johns Cathedral [1] having a quiet game of backgammon [18] when suddenly a horde of Oxen [10] came thundering down the street.

Alabama and The H [15] managed to dart away and make it across the bridge [8] and down the yellow cobbled [5] street before the horde of Oxen [10] could reach them. It was a close call, and a strange one at that as they had no knowledge of any Oxen [10] even living in the local area. But that wasn't the strangest part of her fuzzy memories, what happened next just blew the last part out of the water. Alabama and The H [15], after safely making it across the bridge, [8] decided to track the Oxen [10]. They managed to run in tandem on the opposite side of the river for almost 3 miles before the beasts finally stopped running. Alabama looked up to see what had finally brought the horde to a sudden stop and was astonished to see a Hovercraft [14] making its way toward the animals. Alabama turned to The H [15] who was bundled over in pain, tired from running in tandem with the Oxen [10], "look!" she shouted, demanding The H [15] look up at the bizarre sight, she needed verification [6] that she hadn't lost her mind. The H [15] caught his breath and lifted his head to see what had Alabama so stunned. He turned back to her "Please tell me we haven't both lost our minds, is that really a Ninja [9] using nothing but a chopstick [16] and a trail salt [7] to urge those Oxen [10] to board the hovercraft [14]"

Startled, Alabama then woke from her daydream and returned to her hospital bed, thoughts now coming back to her current situation. What she had recalled moments ago was nothing short of strange and bordering on the bizarre, but it still didn't explain why she was in hospital and how she got there. A that moment though, a nurse came into her room carrying a tray of what Alabama could only presume was medicine to be administered to her;

"Good morning, Miss. We are glad to see you wake. That is quite a strong peanut [20] allergy you have! If it wasn't for your friend giving you the dorito [2] I don't think we'd have been able to save you"

Alabama looked at her, completely baffled at what she had said. You mean to tell me that not only did I take an allergic reaction to peanut [20], but that I was saved because I ate a dorito [2]? (she knew it to be true, as she could still feel the chilli heat wave taste on her tongue [19], but this didn't mean she had to believe it);

"Do not belittle [13] the dorito [2] or its powers! Many mistake this as a crisp (or chip, across the pond?), but what they fail to realise is that the recipe for these wonderful snacks wasn't simply concocted in a lab - oh no, it was written in the walls of Tutankhamun's pyramid [17]!"(the nurse began to rant and rave now, speaking tenaciously [4], her words coming out faster and faster until Alabama could no longer comprehend what she was saying)

Suddenly, Alabama jumped with shock. She looked around, and again found herself laying in the same hospital bed, but the nurse was nowhere to be seen. In the corner her friend The H [15] was sitting there alone, sleeping (with a little drool down his shirt). Alabama reached for the towel [11] on the rail beside her bed (as she realised now that under the covers she was completely naked). After wrapping the towel [11] around her body, Alabama walked over to The H [15] to wake him from his slumber

"'Bama!! Thank god you're awake. We thought we'd lost you! You've been in a coma now for 4 weeks! Do you even remember what happened?? We were playing backgammon [18] outside St Johns Cathedral [1] as we do every Sunday, when suddenly a horde of Oxen [10] came running down the street. In your haste to escape them, you tried to dart across the street and over the bridge [8] but you got clipped by one of them and fell into the river below. I managed to get you out Ok, but you were in a bad way when we got to hospital. The doctors put you into a coma to help you, it was only meant to last a week or two though. I'm so glad you're alive!!"

But why the fuck am I naked?!?!

"Oh - that... Well you're bed was contaminated by a bedbug [12], so the hospital had to burn everything including your clothes, and I haven't had the chance to go back to your house to get more. But nevermind that, its not like you don't have a cracking body anyway! The important thing is that your back with us now."

Alabama just looked at her friend, completely confused by the recent events. Its all starting to make sense now, the crazy nurse, the ninja wielding a chopstick, It was all just a dream!!!

LondonJohn sat on the benches in the shadow of the cathedral wrestling with a pair of chopsticks as he tries to eat a chinese takeaway.




Earlier in the day he had liberally partaken of the contents of his hip flask and was now feeling the effects. He was laughing as he watched a group of kids taunting the owner of a shop as they ran in to try and grab packets of sweetswithout paying for them. The owner of the shop was lumbering after them like an overweight oxen and getting nowhere, as these kids were as elusive as a bedbug.John then decided to go down to the waterfront,to a little bar he knew called The H ,where he knew he could have a shower in the back as the owner rented out a towel for those patrons who needed to freshen up. Staggering along the cobbled streets he tenaciously clung to consciousness until he had crossed the bridge and reached his destination.




After freshening up, he got the bartender to refill his hip flask and decided to have a few drinks and nibble on a dorito or two,while playing a couple of games of backgammon with his old friend Peanut. After a few games they decided to go and see the newfangled hovercraft that had reportedly been berthed on the waterfront. Having received verification that it was still there, John decided,in his drunken state, that he would steal it and take it back to New York as a present for the Godmother,Whatsername.




With Peanut in the lead they made their rather unsteady way down to where it was berthed. Passing the warehouses which held salt and other commodities for distribution to the city, peanut suddenly stopped. He said " There are a lot of guards and by the way they are dressed they look like ninja warriors"




John started to belittle his friends powers of observation saying " Yeah, OK and they are praying at an Egyptian pyramid I suppose?"




Settling down to watch for a pattern in any patrols,John noticed that there was a way to get to it. Giving his gun to Peanut to hold he went off to try and gain access to this wonderful machine. He reached the hovercraft and got onto the deck but had not noticed the guard hiding in the shadows. As John was trying to pick the lock on the cabin hatch,the guard stealthily drew his nightstick and swung it at the back of LondonJohn's head but it was a poorly aimed blow which instead of rendering John unconscious just sent him sprawling full length on the deck. Feeling no pain, due in part to the alcohol in his system, John bounced up and kicked out at the guard catching him square in the balls,causing him him to double over in pain. John followed up with a knee to the guards face which knocked him out completely.




Running back to where he had left Peanut,John was acutely aware of blood running down his face and coming out of his mouth. Such was his appearance,Peanut grabbed him as he ran past and hustled him into a car which had been left nearby and drove to the office of a doctor,who he knew would not ask too many questions.




Doctor Munroe's first action was to hook Londonjohn up to a saline drip to rehydrate him.He then examined the wound on his head and pronounced that it would need stitching.Examining his mouth he told John all he had done was bitten his tongue. After being treated and paying the doctor, John and peanut regretfully abandoned the idea of stealing the hovercraft and went back to the bar for a drink and to review where they had gone wrong.

Sitting behind a desk with a pencil in his hand, tapping it on his cheek trying to think of another one of his great drunken excursions. Goober thought this was a challenge because he doesn’t remember anything when he gets drunk. Goober composes himself and remembers bits and pieces of his greatest drunken experience and begins to tell his story.

I was a zoo keeper, on this specific day and was working in the Elephant department. I was getting frustrated because the Elephants were not listening to me so I began to feed them PEANUTS.  I was shoveling shit, cleaning their den washing them and cleaning them with one stinking TOWEL (one TOWEL really) all day and was getting tired. Ding! I heard the bell to get off of work so I began to clock out and go home for the day.

I clocked out and started to walk to my car and see my REFLECTION in the window and begin to BELITTLE myself, I get a grip and realize I needs a drink. I got into my car and drove down to the local bar and begin to TENACIOUSLY pound shots of Yeager. Finally getting drunk and taking the edge off my day I realized it was getting later and later and it was time to go home. I asked the bartender to call a cab for me. Bartender obliged me and called CHOPSTICK CAB SERVICES.

So I’m standing outside of the COBBLED Saloon swaying in my step, waiting for my cab. I looked down and what do you know I saw a small PYRAMID thinking to myself holy shit! I’m drunk. While continuing to wait for my cab I hear hey! I look around thinking it was my cab driver and didn’t see him. I shrugged my shoulders and began to continue to sway. I hear again hey! you big guy! I look down at the small PYRAMID and see several small what appeared to be Egyptians working on the PYRAMID. I was so drunk I didn’t pay any attention and thought what the hell is a small PYRAMID doing on the sidewalk street corner. I was so drunk I still didn’t care.

The HOVERCRAFT wait what, a HOVERCRAFT pulled up, the driver was dressed up like a NINJA and was playing BACKGAMMON; I thought I could get home safer if I just drove. The driver says "Huy get in cab" I hear a loud gong and poof I’m in the dam cab. I’m beginning to wonder what else was in my shots.

While riding in the cab on my way home, my TOUNGE begins to swell and grows a head of its own. My TOUNGE sticks itself out and looks back at me. I asked my TOUNGE what is your name, my TOUNGE call me THE-H and don’t ask me what it means. I’m thinking I’m freaking talking to my TOUNGE but ohh well I’m just going to roll with it, what the heck I’m almost home. OK! Mr. THE-H what’s up? How are things going? THE-H replies I have a bone to pick with you, funny I don’t even have a bone. THE-H slowly begins to get depressed because he is a male but doesn’t have a bone because he a freaking TOUNGE. I reply ok, speak. THE-H Begins his rant by saying he is tired of not being cleaned and stuck inside of a dark cave for long periods of time, then starts to curse my mom and me. I got tired of hearing him rant so I bit him off. While THE-H lying on the ground his dying words are "you have BELITTLED me for your last time" now that I got rid of that annoying bastard I continue my trip home. 

Finally arriving home the NINJA stated that will be a thirty six seventy five please; I paid the NINJA and walked into my CATHEDRAL under a BRIDGE next to the water. I walked over to my kitchen and got some OXEN food and began to feed my pet OXEN named DORITO. I got ready for bed and walked over to my mirror. I looked into the mirror for VERIFICATION that I’m still human and alive. I remove my contacts and washed them with some SALINE solution. I put SALT in my bed to feed the BEDBUGS, they love SALT! I then dose off to sleep.

I woke up 6 days later, next to a dead OXEN inside of a refrigerator box with no TOUNGE. I searched for hours for the other half of my TOUNGE with no luck. With my creative character I thought, Hell I will be one with the ladies and use the dead OXEN TOUNGE. I return to my refrigerator box and cut the dead OXEN's TOUNGE off and went to the emergency room to have it attached. I’m fine now, as you can see I’m still learning how to talk all over again.

Thinking back on it, I feel someone may have put some acid in my Yeager shrugs. I will have you know I have put the Yeager down and picked up milk chugging but that’s a whole other story.

*these events have some changes to make them seem more real than they really are, hope you enjoyed my drunken story.

Jimmy T steps up to the podium, clears his throat and holds his head slightly

"sorry for the delay folks last night was quite a night. I promise you wouldnt believe me if i told you, it involved a ninja and lots of liquor....."

stops and thinks a second

"well let me just start at the beginning, it was about 1:30 Am and i was walking home from my favorite pub, hammered as usual from vodka and redbulls, and heinekins when a naked ninja highjacked me and threw me in the back of his hovercraft, or maybe it was a hover-round, well whatever it was, i just remember thinking why a naked ninja, why not a half naked one or....ohh i dont know...god forbid a fully clothed ninja, but i remember he smelt of dorito, and his head was slightly misshapen similar to the likes of a peanut, but hey that was just my opinion on the man. sorry i'm getting off track, so when he grabbed me i bit down on his hand and i'll be damned if i didnt bite my tongue too, he tasted like salt....yes salt and vinigar like maybe he had been cooking, more than likely naked since it seemed he was a nudist ninja. but anyway the next thing i know im blindfolded and my own sweat filled sock taped over my mouth, whoa did i ever wish i would have changed my socks that morning, haha, so the hovercraft stopped moving and they yanked me out and started pushing me, all i could do was follow the voices and the arm which drug me around. i heard a slight voice say welcome to THE H, before the nudist ninja told him to keep his damn mouth shut and just proceed with the verification proccess. the voices echoed like those that would in a cathedral, but i could tell it was a much smaller place. i finally got mustard up the courage to speak and asked what they wanted with me, and the ninja smacked my ass and told me not to belittle him, however the hell he thought i was belittleing him i'll never know. the next thing i know i'm being ducktapped to a bed and proded with a chopstick. while a hot towel laid on my feet, which i cannot complain my feet ached and the towel did relieve some of the acheyness of the day. all i could do was tenaciously cling to the covers on the bed and pull all my strength together to remember how we got to this place so i could make my escape. i noticed a small bedbug crawling up my arm, and i dont know about anyone else but those damn things freak me out, i couldnt stand it nomore so with all my strength i ripped myself from the tape and ran screaming like a little girl. all i could think while i was running frantically from the room was 'my how this hotel has nice cobbled flooring, and what a realistic pyramid and sphinx they had in the lobby.' i darted into the kitchen and found all the utensils i needed to escape these nude ninja's: a bottle of Jack Daniels (for courage) and saline (for whatever the hell i could use it for), that was the damn emptiest kitchen i ever saw, haha. I ran out of the hotel and saw a mountain of a man with five oxen, so i figured this night cant get any wierder so why not have the big guy block the ninja's from where i was running. so i divised a plan with the big fella to let me lead the ninja's to the golden gate bridge and then precisely when they reach the middle his oxen will pull the bridge down and they will drowned, well it didnt neccesarily go as planned, turns out the damn guy was blind and instead of the ninja's he pulled the bridge down before i even reached it, stupid old fool. so with my escape route demolished by the blind guy and his team of half retarded oxen i had nowhere left to go but back where i came from. needless to say the ninja's caught me. and when they drug me back to the hotel i was shocked at what i witnessed, the lead ninja finally spoke to me and what he said next just made this night the wierdest night ever and made me go cold sober from that point on, he said 'hey jabroni we meant you no harm we just needed a fourth for backgammon and heard you were the best in the whole damn city.'

laughing a little, then stepping down from the stage

Ah hell!  What a night!  Timothy exclaims as he pulls himself up off his bar-stool.  Wobbling around the room, he takes a brief moment and steadies himself against the nearest table.  Looking onwards into the deepest darkest abyss of his drunken haze, all Timothy can think about is the bitter taste of salt left on his tongue from the bowl of peanuts he had so tenaciously devoured but a brief moment ago.  As his head bobs about, he tries in vain to stop the blurry tracers as they whizz past in confusion across his warped vision.

Suddenly, a revelation blares into Timothy's mind. I need some water! Now!!!!  The entire room pauses at the sudden outburst and stares at him as they murmur. 

Feeling the nervous tension, Timothy looks uneasily to his left and sees what he can only make out to be a pair of Oxen playing Backgammon with chopsticks.  They moo at him in their alien Ungulate language causing Timothy's jaw to drop in disbelief.  From behind, the bartender throws him a towel and chimes in his two cents. Hey pal, you're drooling. The surly man snarls.  You know, you might want to call it a night...take a walk. He says assuredly in a firm tone.

Nodding his head, Timothy turns around to confront the man that had just belittled him.

Oh yeah pal, say.... Timothy trails off as he as stares in awe at a couple of call girls at the other end of the building.  He smirks as he considers the possibilities. 

Aye, sir.  They are indeed twins. The bartender says with a slight chuckle and a wink.  But I'd stay away from them if I were you, unless you want to get The H if you know what I'm saying.  Timothy stares at the man dumbfounded.

Look pal, the bartender continues, I've heard they've done their homework and they'd be willing to share the grades they got last semester if you let them, got two A's a B and a C, so the Dean tells me.  Timothy continues his expressionless mute defiance of the man before him.   Look, like I said, The bartenders reiterates.  it's best now for you to go back to your bedbug ridden apartment, have some doritos, some water, an aspirin and call it a night.  Hell, drink much more and we'll have to set you up with a saline drip to keep you breathing.  The bartender laughs at his own joke leaving Timothy to wallow in his stupor as he heads over to other paying customers.

Nodding in verification of the already absent bartender's orders, Timothy turns himself around and shuffles his dragging feet towards the exit.  After what seems an eternity, he finally opens the door to the cold outdoors and pauses yet again, as he gazes outwards to the twisted, profound sights unfolding before him; sights that baffle even his own ill-contrived imagination.  Across the street, the tall cathedral had apparently morphed into a giant pyramid overnight.  I'll be damned.  Inubis has finally returned!  Timothy shouts as he gets on his knees and begins to pray.  To his amazement, he peers from his hunched down state and watches as intricately adorned Tap-dancing ninjas begin hopping about precariously along the temple's cobbled stones throwing waffles at pedestrians as they pass.  Timothy observes as they fall one by one leaving pools of maple syrup and raspberry jam in their departure.  

Holy Mohammad Ali! He shouts. This is the last time I let Katana convince me to join her on dollar shot Absinthe night!  

As the stars set their shine upon the ridiculous scene unfolding before him, Timothy watches as the ninjas, having completed their evenings errand, jump over to the bridge across the street and beam themselves up onto a small hovercraft.  The ship twirls off into the distance and Timothy watches as it runs smack into a nearby building.  Bursting out into a flurry of feathers the ship disintegrates instantly leaving it's remains which float gently to the ground, blanketing the area in a fuzzy glow. Timothy watches as sparkles gleam their way into his vision, signalling the oncoming unconscious state to come. 

Having had enough fun for one night, Timothy finally gets on his feet and hails a down a cab.  He enters and lets the grime covered muskrat drive him home. 

So there she was, dancing up on the bar at The H....

Katie's eyes burned with tears of laughter as she told her company about Katana's last birthday. Timothy sat next to her, he slapped his knee at the punch line when Katana had picked up the story, while DurzoB hailed down the waiter. He had noticed that the bloody marry Katie cradled was just about empty.

The four of them had nestled into one of the back booths at Fernando's Diner, downtown Chicago. They had originally come together this wonderful and magical Monday morning to discuss a pyramid scheme they had been putting together, but one thing led to another and soon enough they were talking about memorable drunken stories.

The waiter reproduced himself at their table with another round of drinks in two. Another bloody was placed in front of Katie, who was working off one hell of a hangover from last night, the weekend, wait was today Monday?

"It's to bad you guys couldn't come out with us this past weekend" Katana said after everyone calmed down a bit. "We had a hell of a party, Katie do you want to tell them about it, or should I?"

Katie told Katana that she could, but as her friend started the story Katie's mind quickly slipped back to Saturday night, playing her memory of the weekend through her mind....

Katana!

Katie ran towards her friend, waving her hands above her head. A large smile plastered across her face, her blond hair threatening to fall out of the bun she had put it up in using two chopsticks. Katana's ride of the mechanical animal had just ended, but Katie wanted a picture snapped before she got off.

Katana! Hold on! I want a picture of you on that Oxen.

She giggled, holding her hand out in front of her, mimicking a stop sign. The photographer that she had dragged across the bar cleared his throat.

"Ma'am it's a bull, a mechanical bull."

Of course it is!

Katie playfully rolled her eyes to shake off his try to belittle her. The camera's shutters flashed. Katana jumped off and headed out of the bar and off to the next, grabbing Katie's arm on they way.

"Come on ninja, we have more drinks with our names on them."

Three tequila shots off a game of backgammon and Katie's world started to spin a little. It was if someone had put sunglasses on her and fogged up each of the lenses and EVERYTHING was hilarious. Specially when they were kicked out of the retirement home for disturbing the peace. She had thought that the way they took the shots had been strange. Each girl stuck out her tongue at the authority as they ran from the building and down the street, throwing themselves in a taxi that they waved down with a towel

As the taxi swam its way through the Saturday night traffic is when Katie was no longer with Katana, but an old woman named Grettle who was still licking salt off her hand from the tequila shots.

Grettle what did you do with my friend?

Katie asked the woman who quickly replied.

"Don't you worry your underwear off Peanut, she's in the trunk."

Katie laughed at this. Katana in the trunk? She thought to herself as the taxi cruised across the bridge. Katie looked out the window and had a sudden feeling that she was in a science fiction book, cruising across the river in a hovercraft dressed in bright red futuristic latex, Grettle at her side, such a trusty robot.

The taxi pulled away from the road and near the curb dropping them off at their next location. The driver popped the trunk which produced a tipsy Katana who clutched a yard gnome. Katie tried to tell Grettle the robot that she needed to get out, but the rusting bucket held tenaciously to her idea of staying in the car. Katie told the driver Grettle would pay the fair once he took her wherever she pleased.

Katie, Katana and yard gnome Bill, stumbled into the speak easy, but were stopped at the coat check.

"I.D.'s ladies."

Said the bouncer as Katie stared back at him.

"For verification purposes."

Katie handed him a dorito and danced toward the liquor pulling Katana and Bill with her. The tequila and saline were quickly placed upon the bar for each of them and the drinking continued until Katie passed out and woke up clutching Bill in a cathedral. A nun peered down at her, shaking her. Katie snapped awake, mumbled something about bedbugs and ran out of that church as fast as she could say Sunday morning.

"....And when I found her, all cuddled up to a three foot tall man on the carousel I knew we had had a good night."

Katana finished her own side of the story just as Katie popped back into reality from hers. Carousel? Katie curious to what Katana had cobbled together, but after the story both men agreed to come out with them this weekend.

Yuri stumbles out of the cathedral, half intoxicated from that binge on Doritos and The H, he stumbles across the cobbled bridge tenaciously towards the belittled ninja playing backgammon.  

He said “get that peanut away from your tongue! The verification of the saline content of the…”

He trails off, punches the ninja, and continues his inebriated journey into New Orleans. After consuming well over three salt shakers, he sees some kind of green hybrid oxen-esque bedbug standing on a purple pyramid. He was on a golden hovercraft flying high over the lands of America, and then found himself in a black room.

His eyes shoot open, he’s covered in vomit and blood, laying on a towel, and with a thick scar over his lower torso…

Jin had just finish dumping a load of The H to his regular dealer. On his way home, he found a dorito on the floor. He bent over to pick the dorito up, when a ninja on a hovercraft began eating a grain of salt with chopsticks. This amuzed him. So he grabbed a bag of peanuts and sat on the pyramid. The pointy tip went up his bum so he tenaciously jumped off a bridge. When the officers searched for verification of his death he secretly snuck over to the cobbled cathedral.

I understand this story may have been boring, so here's a picture of an oxen and a be-little bedbug playing backgammon on a towel with some saline nose spray on his tongue.

Jack Bauer was becoming impatient. It has been a long day. It all started with a phone call and one thing led to another: Here he was, facing the man that was accused of murdering the President of the United States. Trying to keep his composure in check, all Jack needed was a confession.

Removing the black bag from the perp's head

"Why did you do it?"

"Do what?" said the man.

"You know what? Let's cut the pleasantries. It's been a long day. I don't need this shit right now. This morning I woke up, made myself my favorite peanut-butter and jelly sandwich, added several doritos in between, and even before I took a bite out of it, I was contacted by several of my men telling me of what had happened. A well-constructed, perfected, kick-ass sandwich gone to waste just to end up here, dealing with Mr. 'What did I do' asshole. So excuse me if I do not want to play 20 questions."

"I seriously do not know what you are talking about!"

Blood begins to pour down the face of the man. Pain is becoming much more excruciating as the slash above the man's eyebrow begins to overflow.

"I'll give you credit. You are a tenacious bastard. China taught you well. Yeah...we know where you received your training. Them Google-censoring bastards gave you up my friend. All I needed to do was to pay a little visit to that massage parlor you frequent every Monday for verification. You would be surprised what a little tongue action will get you these days."

"Just because I visit Mao's 'All you can Eat' Buffet doesn't mean --"

Jack throws salt to the cut above the man's eye, temporarily blinding him in pain

"WHY DID YOU KILL THE PRESIDENT!?!? WHY DID CHINA WANT PRESIDENT SHEEN DEAD?!? IS IT BECAUSE HE HAD MORE THAN ONE KID?!?!"

"AHHH SHIT! STOP WITH THE DAMN SALT!!! I'M A DIABETIC!!!"

"IS IT BECAUSE HE LIKES TO DIP HIS CRAB RAGOON INTO THE SAUCE WITH A FORK INSTEAD OF USING CHOPSTICKS?!?!"

As Jack once again prepped to dispel more salt upon the man, the man quietly mumbled something under his breath.

"Excuse me?"

"Can I please get a towel for my face please? I can't see anything!"

"Not until you tell me what I want to know...then the pain will stop."

"Please...I don't know..."

"You know...you're starting to piss me off...I can easily throw your ass off the Washington Bridge or take you into the Washington Monument, ride the elevator all the way to the top of the pyramid, and throw you out the little window overlooking the Capitol Building! But I'm a compassionate man...I'm not all brawn you know? That type of shit would belittle me. I have evolved.

Jack whistles over a man carrying a jar with him

"As you know my friend, the world around us have begun to evolve. Technology is getting much more sophisticated. Old practices have begun to die out. Mahjong has replaced Backgammon and Solitare. That shit is not cool...not cool at all. I began to realize that I fall into the category of 'old' school. There are newer techniques out there in order to achieve the answers one is looking for."

"What's in the jar???"

"Have you ever stayed in a hotel in New York recently??"

Jack unveils a jar full of bedbugs

"They say that bedbugs are in now...and that they love blood..."

"Please, no. I have children. Just yesterday I baptized my youngest child in the Washington Cathedral!

"That is not what I want to know. TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!"

Jack moves closer to the man, anxiously moving the jar closer to the wound

"OKAY OKAY! I'LL TELL YOU!!"

"WHY DID YOU KILL THE PRESIDENT?!?!"

"BECAUSE HE SAID THAT JET LI WAS A BETTER NINJA THAN ME!"

Jack looks perplexed...

"Wait...don't tell me...are you --"

"Yeah I'm him. But people don't recognize me anymore without Chris Tucker by my side, saying "DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH!?"

"Jackie...you fell so low my friend..."

"Once the Leader of the Free World said that Jet Li was better than me...I snapped...I couldn't contain myself...I began to practice a new type of martial arts known as the Oxen technique...anything below my belt I don't feel...just to be able to participate in the Summer Games in Mexico...I wanted the whole world to know that Jackie Chan was still alive and better than Jet Li!"

"You know? After throwing you that saline mixture, even after threatening you with the bedbugs, I couldnt cobble the idea of you killing the President. I honestly thought you were dead."

"And it can remain that way...please...let me go...and I'll disappear...I'll give you my hovercraft that I received after filming Rush Hour 10: Chan vs Predator!"

Jack contemplates the idea. How could would it be to own a hovercraft?!?

"Alright."

Jack uncuffs Jackie Chan and asks for the keys to his garage.

"Oh yeah...one more thing...Do you understand these words that are coming out of my mouth: Nobody fucks with my peanut butter and dorito sandwich, bitch."

Jack shoots him in the head, blood and brains splattering all over the wall.

"Drinks our on me guys...let's go to The H Hotel. They have a Jet Li Marathon going on."

Thank you everyone for these amazing stories.  The contest is officially over... Results will be posted soon

I am so dissapointed you changed the deadline and didn't inform us.

Well, it looks as though the competition for the best new suit competition is in full swing.  That particular event was to last until the end of March 9th.  Everything else sadly, was meant to end with Mardi Gras.  Sorry for the misunderstanding.

"Thank you everyone for these amazing stories.  The contest is officially over... Results will be posted soon"

Did I miss the results?

No they will be posted soon. I've haven't had the time as of yet to go through them all. Anything that was judged by me directly is behind a bit but we will go through the entries properly in the next day or so and post the results.