The Rusty Star-Examiner

Chicago                                                                             20th April 1930

Editorial: Welcome to the first and only edition of the Rusty Star-Examiner. There are a number of reasons why we have chose this name. Firstly, as a Tribute to the Star-Examiner, the only Newspaper currently being published in the 7 cities. Secondly, we are obviously not as polished as our rival syndication, given that I can't even afford to buy a printing press or paper to print it on. And thirdly, like a good proctologist, we will be poking and prodding our way into every dark hole were are presented with. We swear to present you with nothing but the Truth, in the best traditions of The Sun, The Mirror, The National Enquirer and the Weekly World News, but we will never let the truth get in the way of telling you what needs to be told, because after all, isn't that the real truth? Just for the record, we are in no way affiliated with our Sister paper in Detroit, and have not received a sizeable kickback from Reichsleiter Farage. 
So with all that having been said, lets get on with the news.
 

Haile Selassie Wannabe declares himself the Son of God.

Sometime around midnight, the latest nut to hit the streets,68 year old SamAdams, declared himself as the Messiah and the official Son of God. Reports made to this office show that this dangerously deranged individual claimed to have made an appointment to speak to God through his Local Government office. He then went on to detail the supposed direct word of God, the Great and Powerful Squishy. Allegedly God made references to TrashPanda and his evil twin, Elodin, commenting on the feral nature of some of the members of this thing of ours. It also appears that God him self is a fan of Professional Wrestling, as he made several references to 'The Game', more commonly known as Triple H, although what Wrestling and the mafia have in common is anyone's guess.

One final comment allegedly coming from the almighty made reference to the prophecy of a new and improved Rogue, more slippery, more devious, and harder to kill. Should this Prophecy prove true, this reporter can only dream of what carnage this will bring to our streets. The Rusty Star reached out to the obviously deranged SamAdams, a retired Ladies Lingerie Catalogue Rep from Wisconsin, but as of publication we had received no response. Despite we at the Rusty Star being good God fearing Atheists, it seems that a new found religious fervour is sweeping the streets with at least 6 mafioso attending church for something other than a funeral in the last 24 hours. Such luminaries as John-W1ck, Chalk and The dyslexic dyspraxic FuriousWolf were seen opening praising the name of God and SamAdams, a pigeon fancier of some repute, with one in particular heard to say, "Glad to see a godo point from us in detroit, very good written as always, keep up the good work, many like this and enjoys it each time it comes out". In no way could we ever hope to end an article on a more fitting quote.

Now its time to have your say. Are we indeed entering the end of times? Will war, famine and pestilence rise up from Sao-'s bed chamber to strike us all down, or is this just the ramblings of yet another clinically insane mobster? Let us know.

Is Your HQ Safe? 

Only a few short days ago, Chicago was rocked when Film footage allegedly shot from inside the HQ was aired in public. It apparently showed local Chicago Dry Cleaner, Nipper, laughing at the penisly challenged Grin-07 during a joint bathroom break. The footage went on to show the obviously embarrassed leader of the imaginatively named Grin Gang, deal out a savage beat down on the unsuspecting Chinaman. When we contacted the offices of Grin, a 14 year old ladyboy originally from Greasy Corner, Arkansas, he told us to 'Fuck off and get back to fucking work Goldust, you lazy good for nothing bag of dicks.'

Was this a one off? Who could be next? Is your HQ safe from Prying eyes and who if anyone could be behind GTV?

WAR!

Stop the fucking Presses! Whilst in the middle of printing, war broke out. The exact belligerents are currently unknown, but most of the victims appear to be from Philly Based crime Families. Our Confidential Informant, a Professional Tout who goes by the name of ****, told us that rumours were abound that the Son of Disorder was alive and well and living in Philadelphia, and the powers that be were determined to take him out. Given that we paid $5 and a cheap bottle of Scotch for this information, we are sure that this is the exact reason for the war we are currently experiencing. We will of course not be bringing you any updates as they happen.

Self Proclaimed King of the Streets found Dead.

It has not been a good year for members of the Kuku family. First CommissarZev was arrested and executed by Cityhall. Next his son was banned from entering the country, unable to attend his own father's funeral, and when he did finally return to our shores, he was brutally gunned down by cult hero figure, Sanction, a 47 year old divorced father of two. Of Course Kuku was completely innocent of all accusations levelled at him, and his son was at a complete loss as to why, despite being a complete cunt to pretty much everyone he had ever come in contact with, his father had been ruthlessly murdered. His line of questioning followed the usual format of self aggrandisement, ignoring everything that was said to him, and a determination to make everyone believe the complete bullshit he was spinning faster than a funnel-web spider on MDMA. This continued right up until he was shot in the face by person or persons unknown.

Is this the last we will see of the Kuku line? Could we ever be that fortunate? Who shot the son of Kuku? Didn't Oscar Wilde die 20 years ago? Who will rise to take his place? The Streets are once again leaderless, but they do appear a lot friendlier and calmer because of this. Of course, before his death, Wilde couldn't help but take a swing at the current crop of VIP public speakers, and pretty much through every last one of them on the shit heap, except for Nipper, who may or may not have been involved in a 3-way Love triangle with Wilde and SeanCallan, who knows what those devious Irishmen get up too in the dead of the night, and they are the only group of people perhaps hated as much if not more than the Chinese. 

This Reporter, however, is looking forward to the future of the streets, and what this new fresh breath will bring.

Disclaimer: Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. I have tried to recreate events, locales and conversations from my memories of them. In order to maintain their anonymity in some instances I have changed the names of individuals and places, I may have changed some identifying characteristics and details such as physical properties, occupations and places of residence. Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the information in this publication was correct at press time, the author and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other cause. This publication is not intended as a substitute for the medical advice of physicians. The reader should regularly consult a physician in matters relating to his/her health and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention.

I'll have you know, Goldust, that I will be keeping War, Famine and Pestilence chained in my bed chambers for the foreseeable future. They are mine, and trapped in the sex dungeon. Hands off!

What kind of reporter talks about someone's penis size?

The Kind that reports about the stories in the Streets SamAdams. What Kind of reporter calls another reporter out about falsely reporting a war involving Philadelphia, when most of Philadelphia lies dead in the obituaries? 

What a paper!

Big fan of your use of 'penisly'. It's about time it made its way back in to the common vernacular.

Give the people what they want!

Shocking revelations indeed from inside the bathroom of the Grin Gang, but then perhaps unsuprising given the past revelations revelaed by Nipper of the basement enslavement he had suffered for so many years. What horror story will come out of that dirty racoon infested feral HQ next, I shall wait in trepidation for it to be leaked to the press.

I found it very amuzing and laughed big when mentioned, bigger thing in life are there than manage to be perfect each time on written words, no injuries in head on this guy. Always a guy that are amuzed over the most and also this paper was very funny to read, keep up the good work. Small things isnt so much to pay attention to since its fiction most so.

I like the sense of humor in your paper, sir. However, I wish you could have presented it in a better form. I am sure you have already looked into your rival's work and to be honest, your paper? -it feels wrong to call it a newspaper-  is no where close to matching your rival, it's very rusty like you call it. I wish you the best of luck in the future though and hope you can afford to rent a printing press before you publish your next edition of the rusty paper.

Competition is healthy for any industry and I'm glad to see SamAdams leaning into the role of the intimidating old hand immediately, though I will leave any conversation regarding the sizes and shapes of Grin's jumblies to the professionals. Mr. Adam's Star-Examiner has been the cream of our nation's media crop for so long but you've made a fine start with it's rusty counterpart, Goldust, so fine in fact that someone has already thought to put a hit on your head - a mark of pride for any bloodhound of the truth. Keep up the good work. 

It's a hard burden to shoulder Zapata, but it's obvious my quest for the truth has awoken a veritable Hornets nest. However, my new and loyal fanbase donated sufficient funds for Tyler to not risk a shot at yours truly, which is awesome, as I just had my jumpsuit cleaned.