The Rusty Star-Examiner

A Newspaper, not a Snoozepaper

Chicago                                                                             21st April 1930                                                                               Extra Bulletin

Editorial

So here we are again, less than a day later, and despite promising our loyal readers that we would not be polluting the streets with any further editions, the attempt on my life and a general outpouring of love for The Star-Examiner in preference to yours truly. Even Chicago's own @VoxNeruda, a geriatric homeless vagabond, stated his preference for using the Star Examiner to line his box, due to its quality paper and enhanced insulation properties, and @Elodin, Evil trash panda twin to @TrashPanda, in between admitting to a certain oral fixation for chimpanzees, admitted that he prefers to line his cage with the Star-Examiner due to its absorbent Qualities. 

But the real reason we are back is that it has been pointed out to us that we may have possibly made a mistake in our last edition, which we are duty bound under the 'Federal Authority and Enterprises Communications Act - Limitations' to immediately address. As with all FAECAL matters there is an urgent need to square them away by dealing with them first, so that no FAECAL material can be thrown around willy nilly, because we all know that FAECAL matters stick and have a tendency to hit the fans. So without any further ado, and with no more shit jokes (or puns) on with our special edition.

Correction

It has been brought to our attention by ace reporter and Part time Sheep-Worrier, @SamAdams, that we made a mistake in our recent debut edition. As per the FAECAL Protocol, we are duty bound to address this matter first and to issue a full and unequivocal retraction. Shortly after awaking from his Luxury Penthouse, SamAdams came to us with accusation of fabricating a story. We were shocked, nay horrified, at such an accusation. We were certain there was most definitely a war going on in Philly, we were sure that dead Filipinos (is that the term for someone from Philadelphia?) in the obituaries! But, obviously not, SamAdams is the Editor of a highbrow newspaper, with a readership in double figures, not a hack reporter like I am. So therefore we have no option but to issue a full retraction. There was no War last night between Philadelphia and attackers as yet unidentified. Hundreds did not die, and in fact just left the mafia for a mainstream life as civilians in industry. RobertMoore, former crew leader of Bella Vista fame did not come to the streets calling out Grin and pleading for those who would rule Philadelphia after he had gone, to help make Philly great again. Today, Philly does not lie in ruins and everyone should go about their business as normal and not go to the obituaries to mourn their dead friends and relatives who are definitely not dead.

For anyone whom we upset with this blatant and horrific lack of journalistic honesty, we wholeheartedly apologise. 

Narcissism on the Rise

There has been a marked increase in the amount of Narcissism on the streets in recent times. Everything is about me, me, me. No one these days seems to be interested in their fellow man. Even the idiot who hit listed me earlier for my obvious mistake in yesterdays edition was at great pains to point out that he was not SamAdams:

04/21 14:58

Anonymous

Goldust

$200,000

I am not SamAdams but he is better at newspapers than you and you should fuck off

A quick look at the streets reveals a whole host of mobsters recently coming out to make announcements about themselves, @Fidd, @Smurfette, @Wilde and even @Imashe and @RobertMoore getting in on the act. In fact, only @Buble, 24 year old Lounge singer and bin dipper, has come out recently and sang about someone else, a beautiful, mournful ditty that tugs on the heart strings and evokes feelings that are apparently a Federal offence to act on in public, which is a little extreme, surely given its size its a misdemeanour at best. In fact though if we look closely at what Buble said its even more Narcissistic than most, full of me, me, me, and why won't you be mines, and other self absorbent stuff that we've come to expect from the Local Crooner.  

However, the one thing that seems to have disappeared recently is the one man monologue whereby one person speaks ad nauseum about their previous exploits, often not even involving organised crime. Is Narcissism a good or bad thing? This reporter is certainly not qualified to say, but one thing is sure, I am Fucking Awesome and you are all beneath me! Sorry... I think I just had a case of the Kukus.

Stunningly good looking Hit reporter Hitlisted

It has been brought to our attention by low life scum everywhere such as @Hudson and @SeanCallan that star journalist and all round handsome as fuck Goldust has been hitlisted not once, but twice so far, by a man (or woman, maybe even a Trash Panda) going to great lengths to prove that he is most definitely not SamAdams. The general reason given seems to be in code. "I am not SamAdams, but he is. Better at Newspapers. Than You and you should fuck, off." We sent this message to Federation Automaton and all round nice guy AI, @Data, and asked him to put his considerable resources to play at cracking the code. He came back in only 3.24756 seconds with this response:

 "People are obviously upset at your promise to create a single issue of The Rusty Star-Examiner, and this has lead to a public outcry and a declaration for your support. The Hitlister is obviously saying That he and SamAdams are separate entities, and that he obviously disagrees with Sam's assessment of the merits of your Newspaper. He states that you are clearly better at Newspapers than SamAdams, and to celebrate this fact that you and some other person that is not identified should go and engage in carnal relations with a third person called Off, perhaps a member of their crew, Captain."

So there we go people. I am shamed in my selfishness. I had promised you all that the Rusty Star-Examiner would be a single issue only, and I had not realised the effect our paper would have on your sad and miserable lives. The public outpouring of support has therefore persuaded us of a need to stay in the newspaper industry, and we are therefore in a position to hire support staff, perhaps an intern or two, and some Copytakers. We will also print any scurrilous and unsubstantiated rumours you wish to send us as long as they appear to be true or entertaining.

We reached out to Goldust for a comment, but all he did was run his hands down his chest whilst breathing deeply and trying to bite us, so we left quick sharp. Goldust, 29 year old God damn Sexual Tyrannosaurus, has recently moved to the Fiddlers in an attempt to improve their fortunes.

Goldust given the Fiddler's Elbow.

Former LHM of The Red Army and Boss of The Grin Gang has been kicked out by @Grin-07, 92 year old Despot and closet lesbian, for reasons as yet unclear. Due to now being available on a free transfer, he was immediately snapped up by Second Division Crew, the Fiddlers, on an inital 2 year contract and made him their Left Hand Man. Fidd, son of legendary Illinois Gangster, Tree Fiddy. Legendary Sexual Deviant, Goldust, has promised to turn things around for the ailing Chicago outfit, and promised every new member a rim job and reach around alleviating some of the worries of @BonJonBovi of the crew being associated with fiddling, which we recently learned is Federal offence and not a misdemeanour. 

Exclusive interview with Grin-07

Today we can exclusively reveal an exclusive interview with exclusive Chicago Mob boss, Grin-07. Rumours abound that our rival Publication, the Star-Examiner, a weak(ly) Proctologist periodical, had in fact been moving to interview Grin, given that everyone is sick of listening to @Farage on his LBC Radio program, but were gazumped at the last minute by promises of cookies and mildly sexual favours.

• Greetings Grin, 7th of your name, how are you today?

What the fuck Goldust? What do you want? I'm trying to take a shit. Get the fuck out! You know no one is allowed to use the toilet when I am after last weeks debacle. Get the fuck out now before I shoot you in your stupid gold face.

• I see. And how is that going for you Sir?

What? What do you... how is my shit going? What the fuck are you up to you sick freak? You better not be planning another edition of that shit show paper of yours. If I wasn't going to do an interview for SamAdams, there is no way I will do an interview for your gutter publication. Gnnnnnnhhhh!

• Oh god that smells.... I might hurl.... FUUUUCK! Ummm, what are your thoughts on the current crop of leaders?

Seriously? You want to do this now? What part of I'm trying to..... Huuuunnnnngggghhhhh.... trying to take a shit here are you not getting? Go and bother @Elodin, and get @The_Tailor in here to wipe my ass.

• Jesus boss, you need to read the Star Examiner and get the number of a good Protologist. I was going to ask where you intending to auth @Zapata or @VoxNeruda into Philly following the war...

Fuck Goldust you fucking shit stain. There was no fucking war in Philly. Philly is fine, there are 4 crews there right now, no one will be authed into Philly without RobertMoore's say so. DO you know what? I've havd enough of your shit. Get out. Get the fuck out now?

• Out of the toilet boss?

No, yes, out of the fucking toilet, but also right out. Get the fuck out of my fucking HQ you fucking twat. Leave me the fuck alone and get the fuck out. I thought I'd gotten rid of you when you left with that little fucking cunt @Nipper, but nooooo, he fucked up and you both came baaaaaaack.... fuck that hurt.... I've had enough, you are out of the Grin Gang, just fuck right off or god help me I will shoot you in the balls you horrible little prick.

Well there you have it guys, an amazing insight into the inner workings of The Grin Gang. Given that we are now here for the long run due to our popularity of the hitlist, who would you like to see interviewed next? Would you like to be interviewed? If you aren't taking a shit and you would like to give your view on life in the Mafia, please get in touch. I need to go now and try and find a sponsor.

Disclaimer: Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. I have tried to recreate events, locales and conversations from my memories of them. In order to maintain their anonymity in some instances I have changed the names of individuals and places, I may have changed some identifying characteristics and details such as physical properties, occupations and places of residence. Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the information in this publication was correct at press time, the author and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other cause. This publication is not intended as a substitute for the medical advice of physicians. The reader should regularly consult a physician in matters relating to his/her health and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention.

Furious were fast and furious and directly when he saw the new issue were out he bought one and put it under his arm and were about to go to a nearby cafe to drink a coffee and read it carefully and having a great time during the read was he sure of since this paper always had some great written things n it.

After he bought it and were on his way to the cafe he meat up with the editor that stood in a alley smoking, he stopped and talked a bit with Goldust and tells that he has the newly Rusty Star Examiner under his arm and will have a good time reading it soon, they says bye to each other after a good talk and smoke and then he were near the cafe and smiled all the way into it.

Goldust finished his smoke and watched FuriousWolf strolling off into the sunset, newspaper tucked under his arm. He would have to finally get around to buying a printing press or getting an editor. The first issue had been filled with typos, and the second filled with formatting issues. Still these were the issues that faced those of a serious journalistic bent. Things could be worse, its not like he would be reduced to sending out unsolicited Dick pics to keep himself fed.