The Rusty Star-Examiner

A Newspaper, not a Snoozepaper

Chicago                                                                             23rd April 1930                                                            No#1 Paper in the 7 Cities

Editorial

So on Tuesday we had some formatting issues. it wasn't a big deal, until Sao- went and made it a big deal. Some people can't wait to phone you at 3am and laugh down the phone at your incompetence. Given that most of the Grin Gang do this to Sao- on a regular basis, particularly lovable Trash Panda, Elodin, I suppose its only fair that we at the Rusty Star-Examiner shoulder our own burden of guilt and blame. And speaking of Incompetence, we were privileged to witness SamAdams begging BBC star interviewer, Kirsty to do him next. We at the Rusty Star-Examiner didn't realise that Kirsty was that type of girl, but we decided, and by we I mean I, as no one bothered to apply for a job as an Intern, but instead applied for a job with the Star-Examiner instead and then promptly committed suicide when they got said job, so we decided that if any one was going to give it hard to SamAdams, then we should be the ones to do him. After all, you know when you've been done when Goldust does you, and Strap-On Kirsty just doesn't sound alliterative enough. So on with the show, or the edition. 

Sam Adams, American statesman, political philosopher, and Founding Father

So after much tooing and froing and negotiations with Lawyers and attorneys, we sat down with infamous hack reporter, SamAdams, 54 year old Danny Houston wannabe. Mr Adams appeared quite nervous when he first arrived at our luxury broom closet office, so we offered him a cup of Boston blend tea to calm his nerves and got down to business.

"Greetings Mr Adams, thank you for agreeing to do this interview with us. I assure you that I will but on the level so to speak, and that any bitterness between our two publish houses is water under the bridge, particularly now that we are the number one Newspaper in America based on all the metrics that matter. I hope you are doing well and working Hard for that Irish rat bastard, SeanCallan?"

Sam looked more at ease and lounged back in the provided chair, like a pregnant cat with sun stroke, crossing his legs the effeminate way that would crush the testicles of any real man.

"Thank you for asking to interview me Mr Goldust, it really is refreshing to be involved in superior journalism for a change and I've been looking forward to this ever since you sent that young boy around. He really was talented. Things at the Teamsters really couldn't be any better, and I know all the guys, Sean included are big fans of your periodical. I sincerely hope there were no hard feelings when we lied to your face and claimed that there was no war in Philly, in truth we are so shit scared of the might of your paper that we needed to do something to stop you guys from simply burying us in the sales and readership stakes. Sean asked me to pass on his fraternal greetings, and asked me to tell you 'Cunt'. I'm not sure I know what that means, but he assured me that you would."

"I certainly do, and rest assured, there are no hard feelings, I'm sure if I was editor of the countries biggest snooze fest, I would go out of my way to make things better any way I could. Shall we get down to business? Soooo, speaking of the War between Philly and the rest of the World, is their any truth to the rumour that you bribed VoxNeruda to tout to you about the nature of the War and those involved?"

"I sure did, and it was the best 20k I ever spent. Sure I had to go to Farage to raise the capital to pay the backhander, but I felt it was worthwhile, and the information replied more than made up for any unpleasantness, which just goes to show that not always do Snitches get Stitches. Personally, I feel that it is one of our strongest articles, and I'm awaiting my Pulitzer any day now."

"Yes it certainly was a statement piece, full of interesting details, Basically Unless the Leak Lied, Suddenly Hurting your Inventive Tabloid. How do you feel business in the streets is going, following your brush with God?"

"I hate the streets to be honest, I don't know why people bother going into the streets these days. Stories? News Papers? Announcements? Debates? What's the point really? Things haven't been the same since CommissarKuku left us, and there isn't a day that passes that I don't mourn his departure. He was a shinning beacon and an example to us all on how to conduct ourselves, and I honestly believe that the streets should be permanently closed as a tribute to that great man."

A rapturous look came over the face of Sam at this point, and he shifted in the chair, like a man close to the vinegar stroke, trying to edge his way to the money shot.

"After I ate those mushrooms and had my conversation with God, i had asked him to take me instead and return Kuku to us as the new Messiah in order to herald in a new period of peace and harmony, but alas he couldn't or wouldn't, and instead I woke up covered in divine vomit in a back alley with TrashPanda doing unspeakable things to me, all in the name of Squishy, Peace be Upon Him. I have actually thought of going into the ministry myself and starting the First Church of Squishy, were all that wish to, can cum and worship at the almighty's feet."

"Really? That does sound fantastic. Given your history as a politician and a failed business man, I'm not surprised that you would consider religion, in the words of historian Pauline Maier, you are "a man utterly uninterested in either making or possessing money". However, I would have thought you would have called your paper The Independent Advertiser though, rather than name it after a Proctologist's Periodical. You also mentioned the Late Commissar there, is that how you feel about him?"

"There is more to a name, than a simple name, and less to involve you in that name than the name itself. I learned that from Kuku. He was and still is to a certain extent, a personal hero of mine. I have notorized and memorised everyone of his speeches, and sometimes when i am alone, at night, I touch myself and bring them to mind, in glorious technicolor. They truly are a thing of beauty to behold, and he was undoubtedly in my mind, the single greatest street orator of the last hundred generations, and probably will continue to be so for the next hundred. I honestly can't fathom why the people were so harsh on him, so full of scorn and hate for this beautiful man, who just wanted to love and be loved. It's truly sad."

Tears freely poured from the man's eyes, and a huge trail of snot dripped from his nose into the empty tea cup that he cradled in his hands like it was a holy relic. I tried to stop him, but with a shuddering sigh he raised the cup to his lips and downed its contents in one, perhaps thinking it the dregs of the tea that had warmed his cold heart and loosened his lips.

"I think given your fragile emotional state we should leave this interview here. I want to thank you for your time, and I wish you all the best for the future."

"Thank you for doing me Goldust."

And there you have it. Not the poise or in depth interviewing technique of Kirsty, but a truly revealing interview none the less. All that remains is for me to thank our generous sponsor, Nipper, who really does supply the best dry cleaned clothes anywhere in America. Next time you are in Chicago, why not drop by Nipper's Dry Cleaners and get the shit stains removed from the knees of your favourite suit?

Disclaimer: Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. I have tried to recreate events, locales and conversations from my memories of them. In order to maintain their anonymity in some instances I have changed the names of individuals and places, I may have changed some identifying characteristics and details such as physical properties, occupations and places of residence. Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the information in this publication was correct at press time, the author and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other cause. This publication is not intended as a substitute for the medical advice of physicians. The reader should regularly consult a physician in matters relating to his/her health and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention.

"Please note that the interview in this paper is entirely bogus," Says SamAdams.

What are you now, Bill and Ted? What's bogus about it? Are you denying that you told me there was no war in Philly? Are you denying that you spoke to God? I mean if you didn't really speak to god after telling us all that you had spoken to God, that would be totally bogus. Sam, I'm really disappointed. I mean, I thought we had finally connected, and now just because Kirsty has come out and agreed to interview you, you've changed your opinion of the piece from Most Excellent to Bogus? I have to say I am bereft and totally disillusioned. How can I believe a word you print in your paper if everything you told me was a lie?

Goldust certainly looks bereft and disillusioned, despite standing there in his fancy gold jumpsuit.