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It is with great pleasure I'm able to introduce to you the newest and hopefully regular newspaper to circle the eight cities in quite some time, which will hopefully become the must trusted name in news and cutting-edge journalistic reporting - bring you on the scene of the stories, unbiased and impartial. With that, I present to you the first edition of the Long Island Enquirer!
Hitter Accidentally Shoots Fellow Assassin in Inactive Race
In the ever longing quest to gain another notch on their already doomed-to-wackback-or-die-sleeping-in-a-war belt while simultaneously looking like complete jackasses in public, the Long Island Enquirer reports that a hitter has died after a catastrophic accident involving an inactive race.
Fifteen hitters simultaneously firing at once towards a civilian resulted in the accidental bodily mutilation of Twist, who was pronounced immediately dead on the scene from 47 bullets to the back of the head - or what was left of it.
"I was so busy and caught up in the moment that it just sort of happened without me even noticing. He was a good friend of mine and a fellow colleague. This sort of thing happens, though. This won't be the first hunting incident involving an accidental discharge of a firearm." one shooter commented, on condition of anonymity.
However, reports indicate that it may have been retaliation for a previous hit that Twist had carried out in bad blood that allegedly started over a disagreement on the game "Six Degrees of IzzyCreamcheese"
The situation caused further anxiety for family members of Twist, as the funeral was allegedly plagued by multiple allegations of disrespect, double standards, political drama and possibly the worst offense -- cheap roses.
"A few people got drunk, one contemplated urinating in the casket, and God seemed to have left early for a date after hearing one too many arguments about the definition of disrespect." said one participant speaking on the funeral service. "It's whatever, man. I got a free cigar out of it and a gold watch." the man said, lighting up a cuban cigar.
We approached Twist before writing this article, who was unavailable for comment.
FBN Agent Tired of Being Paid In Peanuts For Information
A seedy brown coloured structure on the outskirts of Saint Louis revealed the tarnished image of an organization plagued with corruption, a low budget, gruesome work hours for its employees, and recently - peanuts.
Alex DiGiordano, a once reputable FBN agent, stands at a small boiled peanut stand adjacent to the Bureau's main kiosk, complete with the look of shattered hopes, dreams and a former shell of what he used to be. A shady figure in a suit and a bowler cap approached him, and after a few brief words, the man offered him a 5 pound bag of Georgia's finest, much to the dismay of the agent. Our reporter caught a brief interview of the agent who's known among the criminal community as "that Government bastard who works for peanuts" after the exchange took place.
S: In your words, Mr. DiGiordano, how is the organizational structure of the FBN coming along as the United States goes through its worst financial crisis?
A: Awful. Funding has been slashed dramatically across all federal expenditures, and we've resorted to lowering our price range for the black market drug index to sustain our 12-17 year old demographic in heroin-users.
S: How is management reacting?
A: Management is non-existent at the top level. Our Director of Operations, Jick Magger, managed to hang himself with a coat hanger. That's dedication, right there.
While we were unable to confirm this report at the time of the interview, the Long Island Enquirer has confirmed a hanging body in the office of 37C. Magger declined to comment.
S: I see. Tell me how the FBN became involved in the selling of peanuts?
A: Until the 1929 stock market crash, peanuts remained a relatively low profit margin crop. After the crash, Americans were creative in their use of the now valuable peanut - peanut oil and butter especially - as well as various uses as an emulsifier for drugs. We're in dire straits in Saint Louis, so we're the only FBN agency that will accept peanuts as form of payment for information. Hopefully we'll get out of the business entirely at some point, but for now..
The man pointed at the "Have You Had Your Daily Serving of Nuts Today?" sign, as well as the "Nuts To You!" slogan.
Drug Front Property Owners Spotted Crying After Raid, Harasses Family Members for Replacement
After a massive sting operation involving the FBN seizing millions of dollars in illicit drug money, narcotics and distribution centers, several of the elusive kingpins of the operation have been threatening lower ranked members of their own family to give up their real estate in a desperate attempt to keep liquidity balanced and to continue just barely feeding their enormously unnecessary 300-man bodyguard troupes.
The Long Island Enquirer has received and confirmed audio clips of the reported harassment, with content including fines, demotions, death threats, killed goomars, and worst of all, snubbing them at their local country club.
"That was a big blow to me, getting turned away at my club. Where else am I going to drink my Mundo Mojito while ignoring my failed marriage?" exclaimed ventriloquist-turned-mobster Silenzio, standing outside of the renowned "Wong Place, Wong Time" country club while watching several well dressed men play golf.
The string of harassment comes after the large blow to the economic outlook of several dozen business listed on the Mafia Returns Stock Exchange as reported by Moody's, while the Long Island Enquirer's financial analyst Kim Jramer compared the outlook to a maggot infested corpse.
Fire Department Steps In After Made Man Ceremony Burns Down Saint Louis HQ
Firefighters responded to a call last Wednesday of a raging fire in the heart of Saint Louis, which was later discovered to be the now burned-down headquarters of The Gunslingers, in what apparently was a case of accidental arson.
A confidential source tells the Enquirer that a Made Man ceremony conducted in the building was the reason to blame.
"We were all gathered in a special room that was built specifically for ceremonies pertaining to promotions in the Mafia" the source said. "In hindsight, having plush couches, pillows, shag carpets, Japanese walls and our headquarter's reserve of gasoline for hit operations probably wasn't the best idea in terms of safety."
The fire started when Ricketts reportedly lost control of the match that he intended to burn Saint Peter with, coming with a distinctively timed, clear and otherworldly "Oh, HELL naw!" as heard by several ear-witnesses. Ricketts was unfortunately killed in the fire and was reportedly trapped under a burning chandelier, but thankfully all other members of the Gunslingers are safe.
"He always loved to grill things, so I think it's fitting he went that way." said longtime Saint Louis resident Games Jandolfini, a longtime friend of Ricketts. Asked whether or not there was a distinct difference in enjoying grilling and actually being grilled, the burly man heartily laughed before responding with "Nah!"
City Hitsquad Leaders Agree to Start Killing Members Who Don't Send in Their "Fucking Shot Reports"
The Mafia Returns Security Council, consisting of the 8 city hitsquad leaders deemed to train the masses into the wholesale slaughter and collective killing of innocent civilians as well as exhibiting extraordinary elitism and forming inner circles has reportedly moved closer to a step that would let them dismantle their families and kill individuals who fail to send in their shot reports.
"After 487 mass mails, cash bribes, credit incentives, 'Get back on the train', 'It helps towards your promotion', 'Come on, guys, just once' and 'Send in your shot report or I'll tear your fucking throat out and gouge your eyes out with a God damn spoon and feed them to my Jack Russell before leaving your body in a desolated wasteland' as well as briefly changing their name to 'Fun Sheets', our patience has run dry."
Details remain obscure, though the Enquirer has learned that it involves several mass burial graves located around the country with jail parties to lure victims, tentatively called "jailbait"
The plan was received with sharp criticism from the Useless Literary Group Committee, who has boycotted the meetings and have refused to make street appearances.
"This is an outrage. This is a complete violation of our freedom of expression. I should have the right to be a playwright and be an otherwise useless member to my family complete with mediocre earnings and dismal shot records." a member of the group released in a press statement Tuesday.
The Security Council did not immediately comment, though reportedly several members had suggested raising tax rates, something the Committee responded to as "Pure Communism". Criminal economists have voiced concerns that the Committee's protests would drive the already uncreative content being released onto the streets down to its knees, further increasing discontent and apathy among members, resulting in lost revenue. Annually decreasing percentages of already low shot reports have been a growing problem for crews, causing crew revenue to spiral down as apathy percentages have skyrocketed in recent months.
"It's whatever, bro. Have you ever tried to set five minutes aside a week when you're on black tar heroin?" exclaimed an anonymous member of an outfit in New Orleans, nervously and meticulously itching every inch of himself. "It's hard to earn let alone sit down and actually write or even speak a coherent sente-" the man said before being distracted by a bus that he jumped in front of seconds later.
He had no further comment.
Note from the Editor
This work is presented to you as (mostly) fiction. Only a fool would take all content at face value.
Continuing the tradition Priscilla set, if you're a fan of the Long Island Enquirer, consider contributing to Solastalgia's Cocaine Fund. Providing cutting edge creativity in reporting with hours on end of entertainment for the head writer, you'll be contributing to the betterment of the paper, as well as Solastalgia's expensive habit.
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